Chris Farrell, co-author of ReThink Money for Children and Teens and co-founder of FUNancial Freedom, shares his passion for teaching teens money management. Say goodbye to the days of allowance and hello to a future with a financially independent teen!Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesTalking to our kids about finances can be a chore: terms like “good debt,” “credit score,” and “interests rates” tend to make most people’s eyes glaze over. Besides that hurdle, it feels like as parents we have to know all the ins and outs of money and wealth to get our teens to pay attention. Most parents might just throw up their hands and rely on schools and colleges to fill in the gaps. Let’s just hope our teens get jobs that have a good retirement plan with full benefits...and that they stay in that job for their career.But what if talking to our teens about money now was guaranteed to make them wealthier in the future?It’s not a pipe dream—in fact, the evidence (and this week’s guest) suggests getting teens financially literate is one of the most important things to do now to prepare them for stability as an adult. As we’ve now seen with sex education, the less information a teen is given, the more likely they are to take uneducated risks, which could put their future on hold.We can set our teens up for success by helping them learn good money habits now—whether or not we have good money habits ourselves! while they’re young will lead to a lifetime of responsibility with the dollar. Not to mention, if their finances are in check, their life will run a little smoother in all areas--allowing them to grow up and become their best selves.So how can we talk to teenagers about finances in a way that excites them? That’s what our guest today, Chris Farrell, is all about. He’s the founder of FUNancial Freedom, an organization aimed at getting kids and teenagers interested in business personal money management. His book, Rethink Money for Children and Teens, is a guide to help your teenager transform themselves from totally-clueless-about-money to a business whiz. His goal is to make finance fun, and to lead kids towards more prosperous financial futures.And the best way to do that according to Chris and FUNancial Freedom is to throw kids right into the maw of entrepreneurship.Learning About Money Through EntrepreneurshipChris believes all kids can (and should) experiment with running a business. Project-based or hands-on learning is often the most impactful when it comes to remembering concepts and internalizing information. As Chris says, it’s also by doing that kids and teens become more confident and self-assured in their abilities.If you’re thinking your kid could no way handle running their own business, Chris says you might be surprised. With the numerous online marketplaces as well as remaining “traditional” ways to earn, getting a business started today can be as simple as having a smartphone and an email.Of course, your teen might need your help with a few of the finer points, like attaching business accounts to personal checking accounts or memorizing their social security number. But in Chris’s experience, on the technology side of entrepreneurship, today’s teens seem to pick it up at lightning speed.To get your teen on their way you can use the FUNancial Freedom’s LEAP method, which starts first with the Learning piece--however, most teens might be eager to jump into the Earning part, and then realize they need some of that Learning to be Earning. The next piece to help kids then Accelerate. In layman’s/-woman’s terms, the Accelerate phase is about discovering how to save and invest--in their business and themselves. Lastly, P is for Play, the phase where teens and kids set financial goals and explore all the fun ways to use what they’ve earned to make the world a better, more fun place.Having Fun Starts with an Abundance MindsetAs Chris notes, making money is about more than just dollars and cents: it’s about having more choices, less stress, and the ability to make the world a better place. In America, money or personal finances consistently tops the list of the number one stressor in people’s lives. Money might not be able to give you purpose in life, and just because you have mo’ money doesn’t mean you have less problems; but surveys of American households do show that having at a minimum, financial stability, greatly increases life satisfaction.Just think of how amazing it would feel to pick up the tab at dinner, treat the whole table, and not stress about the dollar amount on the bill. What if your teen could do that? Not worrying about the dollar amount so much is what Chris calls an “abundance mindset.” The opposite is how most people operate: a “scarcity mindset.” When you go to a restaurant the first thing most people do is look to the right side of the menu--where all the prices are. Many people even base their food and beverage choices on how much money they are willing to spend that evening. There’s nothing wrong with that--being frugal and investigating coupon apps is usually a good thing. But many parents may wish for something different for their teens.An abundance mindset starts with proper money management. It’s not just about having enough to spend, but it’s also about switching one’s mindset: just because one person has a lot, doesn’t mean there is less for other people. There is a lot of money in the world and there are people, companies, and organizations ready to spend it. As some of the great motivational speakers of the last century proclaimed: “If you help enough people get what they want, you can have everything you want.”Money is useful as a commodity, but it can also be a great tool through which to teach life lessons and instill values.Instill Values Through BusinessAlong with all of his financial tips, Chris emphasizes the importance of helping teens define their values and priorities. When they spend money, what do they typically spend it on? Books? Gym memberships? Events with friends? Concert tickets? Traveling?What we spend our money on is often the same as what we spend our time on. And we spend time on things that matter to us, things that we value. As Chris mentioned, some people will always make sure to have a gym membership, no matter what the budget is, because fitness and health is important to them, it’s one of their core values.Having money means being able to “spend” on what matters to us, but it also means having the ability to live our values in a more impactful way. Chris and FUNancial Freedom strongly believe in teaching teens not just how to earn, save and invest, but also in the joy of giving and using money to make a difference in our communities.In addition to the LEAP methodology, in our interview we cover:The 50-20-20-10 rule for managing incomeHow to explain the difference between good debt and bad debtThe number one piece of advice Warren Buffet gives about moneyWhy it’s never been easier to s...

Shanterra McBride, author of Love Your Jiggle and founder of Marvelous University, joins Andy for a talk on how to help our teens through their most awkward years and what to do to prepare them for the big world ahead. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesBeing a tween and becoming an adult is an awkward time not just for tweens, but for their parents! Bodies are changing, friendships are growing more complicated, and your once confident child may appear to be folding in on themselves, pulling away from the world, just at the moment when they need to learn how to be on their own in it!Instead of being able to tune in more accurately to their own voice, our teens are increasingly confronted with a myriad of messages on who to befriend, how to behave, and what to wear. With so many companies and personalities vying for our teens attention, it can feel like there’s no room for the voice of a parent.But teens, arguably more now than ever, need a steady parental presence...This week’s guest Shanterra McBride gets it. She knows from her own experiences mentoring and educating youth that parenting is hard. She also deeply and truly believes that, parents, you can do this.Shanterra McBride is the author of Love Your Jiggle: The Girls’ Guide To Being Marvelous and founder of Marvelous University. Although Shanterra’s book centers on girls, her experience in education has led her to work with teens of all genders and ages. She knows that insecurities and awkwardness during the adolescent years hit us all hard—and that sometimes all it takes for a teen to feel okay at the end of the day is for a parent to just listen.McBride discovered her passion for working with teens as volunteer in AmeriCorps. Placed in what at the time was considered the worst school in Washington, D.C., Shanterra found her calling in helping awkward, insecure, and misled “ducklings” turn into marvelous swans.Shanterra realized three main areas thwarting teen success and came up with unique ways to tackle each.First, every teen she met had body image issues —even before the days of Instagram and TikTok. While we often think of “body image” as a girl-specific issue, for young people going through puberty no one is exempt from having a complicated relationship with their body.At a time of such physical and obvious changes, there is already plenty for a teen to be self conscious about. Throw in an aunt’s comment to your daughter about her “new boobs” or an uncle’s tease directed at your son and his “puny muscles” and your teen might just want to run from the house screaming of embarrassment.Whether your teen is an early or late bloomer, as skinny as a stick or with extra jiggle, Shanterra explains that we need to get teens focusing on what their body can do, not just what it looks like. Different bodies can do different things and we can help our teens appreciate their own physicality by reminding them of this. Shanterra goes so far as to recommend telling your teen to spend some time looking at themself in the mirror—seriously! Before jumping to a judgment on this idea, consider that your teen should know and make their own decisions about their body before others tell them what to think and feel about your teen’s shape, size, or color.To lessen the already fraught feelings around our teens changing bodies, Shanterra prefers to use the word “jiggle.” She acknowledges such a silly sounding the word immediately disarms teens. And she insists that “jiggle” means a person’s whole body...not just the parts that can actually “jiggle”. Loving your jiggle then, is embracing your whole self and everything your body and mind can do as well as all the potential inside! What an incredible gift the power of a healthy self image is for teens.The second big issue teens face that Shanterra identifies revolves around friendships. She realized teens, particularly “new” teens look at friendship all wrong.Teens navigating the new and more intense social hierarchies of middle school and high school may lose sight of what friendship is truly about. Instead of choosing friends based on honesty, mutual respect, and shared interests for example, Shanterra saw adolescents making friends based on what relationships they thought would elevate them in the eyes of the group. Using relationships as a means to an end, like popularity, is not the lesson we want our teens to learn, particularly if we want them to become adults with healthy relationships.Although it’s difficult to watch a child struggle with friendship drama, parents can help nudge kids in the right direction. Shanterra suggests parents can step in by helping their teen pause to contemplate what characteristics would be good to have in a friend...and which characteristics your teen is putting forth. And when drama does happen, not jumping in and getting riled up, but pausing again to encourage contemplation instead of snap judgements.Of course, usually what a teen will want most is just an ear to listen, and maybe someone to talk things through with.Which brings us to the final issue of unmet needs in teens. The three needs are independence, connection, and mastery. We’ve already seen how with friendships teens might be struggling with connection. But what about independence and mastery?In our interview, Shanterra touches on how although our teens might still be “kids” in our eyes, they are ready for increased independence. Shanterra has seen so many teens worn out from being told what grades to get, what activities to do, when to get their chores done, who to be friends with, etc. To make sure your teen’s need for independence is met, give them age-appropriate responsibilities and consider collaborating on any household policies or rules. For example, together deciding on a curfew and what consequences there would be in the event the curfew is broken. Your teen needs to feel that they have some control over their own life.When it comes to mastery, Shanterra is referring to developing skills. As parents we should avoid rewarding our teen for simply “showing up”—after all, we don’t get paid to just “show up” to work, we have to do the work that is required of us. We should absolutely celebrate and congratulate our teens when they hit a goal or milestone, and we should absolutely be emphasizing the work they put in to get to those markers. You don’t have to win the championship trophy to have a met need of mastery—but you do need to perform and work hard in that final game if you plan on walking away with a sense of accomplishment.Throughout all this, it can be all to easy to forget that parents have needs too! Luckily to make things simple, they are the same as teens: independence, mastery (competence), and connection. Parents also need to feel that they have control over their life, are connected to others, and have something they are good or getting better at...which in some cases might be parenting!In this episode we cover:How to help your teen “pause” during friendship troublesBody image issues male teens might faceThe overlap between parent and teen needsWhy it’s impor...

Brooklyn Raney, author of One Trusted Adult, shares with Andy what she’s seen works with teens as a mentor, high school dean, camp director, and parent herself. Having support at home is important for teens, but having just one trusted adult outside the home can be even more impactful.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesHelping your teenager approach independence is hard. You want to make sure they know how to make their own choices so they’re prepared for adulthood--but you want them to always make the right choices. You want them to have autonomy and take care of things on their own--as long as they do it the way you want.Even though it might be tempting to always take control and step in when your kid is making tough decisions, sometimes you just need to let your teenager learn on their own. If you constantly insert yourself in your teenager’s choices, they’re not going to be able to handle life’s crazy obstacles when they no longer have you to guide them through every little thing. Sometimes, you just need to let go and watch your teenager go at the world themselves.Brooklyn Raney has a lot to say about the benefits of letting go. She’s a speaker, teacher, and educator, and the author of One Trusted Adult: How to Build Strong Connections and Healthy Boundaries with Young People. She also runs a leadership camp for girls which helps teach young women about teamwork and resilience, and is a high school dean. Her work has helped parents, kids and educators everywhere learn the value of letting go.She compares raising a child to raising a baby bird. If young birds are given too much assistance when they’re young and fragile, then they never learn to fly. Similarly, if teenagers are controlled and micromanaged, they’ll never develop the critical thinking and decision making skills that are necessary to becoming a functional adult.As an educator, Brooklyn has seen this principle in action. When several of her students were using the social media app Yik Yak to anonymously bully other students, she and her fellow faculty members had a tough time figuring out the best solution. They tried issuing a message over the platform, but they were only met with disdain--and the bullying continued. Finally, a group of students decided to band together and drown out the negative comments by posting a massive influx of positive ones. It ended up working even better than they imagined.It just goes to show that if we can invest in the abilities of young people, we can help them grow to become independent and innovative. Instead of trying to step in and control the situation, let them work it out and learn from thinking critically to reach an effective solution.As a parent, helping a teenager grow more independent means helping a teenager learn to handle their own emotions. Brooklyn breaks down how to practice the principle of letting go when helping a child work through a personal issue. She says one of the most simple, helpful, and unobtrusive gestures you can partake in when comforting a troubled teen is simply asking them whether or not they would like advice. Inquire if they’d prefer your opinion or if they would just like you to listen.In doing this, you’re not telling them how to live or act. You’re allowing them to make a choice and practice autonomy. At the same time, you’re showing them you’re still there for them emotionally and can offer advice if needed. Many times, teenagers don’t really want or need to be given advice. They just want a trusted adult to listen to their problem and offer some comfort, so that they can continue working through the problem in their own way on their own time.This is a very important idea: a trusted adult during the teen years is key to ensuring a person’s mental health remains strong in their lifetime. In the episode, Brooklyn cites research that has proven this concept again and again. This trusted figure can be a parent, but it can also be someone outside the home such as a coach, teacher, aunt, uncle, etc. If the non-parent mentor is connected to the parents in some way, that’s even better.Brooklyn gives a great example in the episode. Her story delves into her son’s incident with his school’s administration regarding a vape pen. He was sent home for having the pen at school, and although his father administered an articulate, powerful talk on why this is unacceptable, Brooklyn’s son didn’t seem to be receptive to any verbal reinforcement. Later on, however, his drum teacher delivered to him a very similar speech about the dangers of vaping, and he was held in rapt attention and seemed to get the message.While it may be frustrating that your teenager trusts another adult that isn’t you, the important thing is making sure there is someone in their lives whom they listen to and connect with. If teens have a trusting, healthy relationship with an adult who can help guide them through life, they’ll enter adulthood with more grit and more problem solving abilities.When it comes to this independent decision making, your teenager may not always know what they want. One day, they adopt a particular identity, and the next day, they’re a totally different person. While this may feel disorienting or frustrating for you, Brooklyn reminds us that it’s important to remember: all humans are flexible, fluid people. Young people are especially elastic, as they are still searching for the permanent aspects of their identity.One great way to help your teenager through this is to model the fluidity of identity in your own life. If you show that you’re open to change, you will help your teenager to see that it’s natural to continue to evolve and grow as an individual far past teenagerhood. It’s especially important for your kids to see you fail, learn from your mistakes and adapt. If they see this resilience in you, then they are likely to understand how they can apply it to their own lives.Teenagers will always struggle with identity; it’s part of being young. Brooklyn talks for a while on the idea of ensuring that teens have a varied identity. This means making sure teenagers don’t put all their eggs in one basket, making certain that they think of themselves as nuanced and complicated individuals with more than just one thing to offer the world. She uses the example of her own teenage self, who identified solely as a good hockey player. Whenever she lost a game or made a mistake while playing, she felt although she no longer had anything to offer the world.If we help teens see themselves as well rounded individuals with multiple interests, skills, and offerings, we can help them gain self efficacy and become more independent and successful in the real world.When it comes down to it, watching your teenager become autonomous can be truly terrifying. You’re afraid that if you don’t step in, they’ll make bad choices that affect them for years to come. At the same time, you don't want to control them to the point where they aren’t able to make their own choices when they reach adulthood.Don’t fear; Brooklyn is here. She’s got lots of advice to help you figure out what’s going on inside your teenager’s head and how you can help them transition into adult life. In the episode, we coverThe difference between preventative and responsive mentorshipWhy we like to put teenagers in boxes

Cindy Pierce, author of Sexploitation and Sex, College, and Social Media, brings her immense knowledge and humorous vibes to this week’s episode. Porn is wreaking havoc on our teens’ sexual development, but, fortunately, Cindy has ways parents can help undo the deleterious effects.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesTalking to teens about sex is one of the hardest things to do as a parent. Initiation discussion about the birds and the bees can be very confusing, messy, and just plain awkward! Not only that, but teenagers can be very resistant to opening up and talking about sex even if they have questions and want clarification on the subject.No matter how uncomfortable or difficult talking to your teenager about sex and relationships is, it’s a crucial part of helping your child to grow up happy and healthy. Kids today are exposed to sexual content from a very young age, with the internet providing an infinite amount of pornographic content. While knowing about sex from a young age is ok, kids should be learning the facts from an educational, honest source rather than porn. The porn industry, more concerned with making money than protecting the minds and hearts of young people, often portrays sex as degrading, violent, and often not even consensual.Sound terrifying? I’m scared too! That’s why I’m sitting down with Cindy Pierce in today’s episode. Cindy is the author of several different books that tell you how to talk to teens about sex: Sexploitation: Helping Kids Develop Healthy Sexuality in a Porn-Driven World and Sex, College, and Social Media: A Commonsense Guide to Navigating the Hookup Culture. She also travels around to schools across the country to educate teenagers, parents, and college students about sex.She reveals fascinating and shocking things about how kids today are learning about sex as well as great tips to master talking to teens about sex. Cindy also shines light on a lot of the questions teenage and college aged people have about sex, relationships, and porn.For example, she reveals that in her experience, most kids in the modern day are exposed to sex and even pornography by the age of 9. This is why one of Cindy’s biggest tips for parents is to start talking to your teenager about sex and relationships from as young as ages 5-7. This doesn’t have to be a full briefing, but instead a safe, simple explanation about biology and the reasons why people decide to copulate.It may seem a little early to start talking to teens about sex, but it’s easy for children to be exposed to porn and be confused and manipulated from a young age. We want our kids to understand that sex is meant to be between two consenting adults who care about one another and communicate effectively. Instead, they may begin to believe that the degrading and often violent sex they see in porn is the same as real life sex--and we know it’s not.By talking to teens about sex and relationships early, you’re also establishing an important connection with your kids that lasts, a certain trust. It helps you open up a safe space to talk about complicated subjects. Then, as they grow up and begin to experience the myriad of problems that comes with growing up, they’ll know they can come to you for advice and that golden parental wisdom instead of the internet.Nervous about initiating discussion? Wondering how to talk to your teenager about pornography without saying the wrong thing ? Cindy also shares some tips for how to make sure that when you give the talk, you give it right. One thing she recommends is vulnerability. It’s easy to feel pressure to be a perfect parent, but you’re only human. It’s much healthier and more productive to talk openly about your experiences and be honest when you don’t know all the answers.Although it would be nice if there was a secret to success when it comes to talking to teenager about sex and realtionships, there’s no one way to approach your child about these topics. This is because all children are different, with different personalities, fears, and interests. Every kid is unique, and struggles with their own complicated relationship with intimacy and sexuality.Cindy speaks on the idea that talking to teens about sex is one that continues to evolve over time, not a static event. Instead of one specific instance in which the two of you sit down to discuss it all, the “talk” is really a shifting conversation which changes as your teenager grows. Keep communicating, keep up the dialogue about how to have safe, consenual sex to ensure that your teen develops and maintains a healthy relationship with the subject.Speaking of changes, one of the biggest shifts in a teenager’s life is their transition into college life--and this transition includes new sexual experiences. College hookup culture creates a confusing environment for many young adults as they enter university.This confusion and chaos is often the catalyst for, as Cindy puts it in the episode, below average sex. This means sex that is completed without trust, without communication, and often, without condoms! That’s why we need to be talking to teens about sex on a regular nasis and educating them about how to maintain self respect and sexual health while in college.Cindy breaks down how this hook up culture during the early years of college is largely motivated by the need for high social status. With the addition of social media to the lives of young people, status and image has become more significant than ever for college students. Part of this image is who you decide to sleep with. This means that students are motivated to hook up with other students to garner respect from their peers, rather than to share an intimate, fun experience with someone they care about.According to Cindy’s research, most college students actually report that they dislike hook up culture. Although it may seem like a convenient, no strings attached way to futile one’s physical need for intimacy, it can lead to a lot of traumatizing experiences, emotional damage, and, quite simply, unenjoyable sex. Often times communication between the two individuals is poor, leading to the lines of consent becoming blurred, the status of the relationship to be confusing and the sex to be bad.Instead of promoting this kind of sexual experience, Cindy emphasizes the idea of happier, healthier sex that involves trust and consnent By listening to her ideas about how young people can form positive sexual habits, we can teach our kids about how to communicate better with their partners and keep themselves from getting hurt.In the episode we cover:The most awkward question to expect from your teenJust how financially powerfully the porn industry isWhat the impact of Covid-19 is on teen and college hook up cultureA myriad of internet resources for teens and kids of all ages to learn about sexThe importance of teaching about pleasureWhy teens and young men are suffering from erectile dysfunction despite their youthHaving "the talk" is already a daunting task for many parents--it may come as a shock that "the talk" actually should be an ongoing conversation. However for our teens healthy development into a full adult, having ongo...

Annie Grace, author of This Naked Mind and The Alcohol Experiment, dispels myths around alcohol with Andy and reveals her number one method for talking to teens about drinking.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notes Drinking alcohol is a significant part of Western culture. Of Americans over 18, 86.3% say that they’ve tried alcohol and 55.3% report that they drink regularly. Nowhere is alcohol more culturally expected than in young adulthood. It’s almost assumed that college students will experiment with alcohol, and teenagers are becoming more and more likely to try alcohol before reaching adulthood.But it’s nothing to worry about, right? Alcohol isn’t that dangerous, is it? Unfortunately, the science says otherwise. In a recent federal report which rated the harmfulness of various drugs, alcohol was rated far and wide the most dangerous drug, with heroin coming in far behind in second and crack in third.How is this possible? The study examined the widespread dangers of different drugs on society as a whole, looking at how many people face serious damage from using. Alcohol is by far the deadliest, killing approximately 88,000 Americans a year. All illegal drugs combined kill about 22,000 a year, while pharmaceuticals kill 24,000. If we combine these two numbers, we can see that the amount of deaths caused by all other drugs is only around half of those caused by alcohol.And yet, most people are more informed about the various risks of taking Advil than they are about the dangers of alcohol! Our guest today, Annie Grace, is determined to change this. She’s the author of the book This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness and Change Your Life.The book is all about how to stop alcoholism with one simple tool--education. Annie dives into her own individual journey in the episode: how she developed a drinking problem in her mid twenties, how she tried all the traditional avenues of fixing the issue to no avail until finally, she decided to find her own unique way to tackle her alcoholism.She asked herself and many, many others every question she could think of concerning alcohol use in order to get to the bottom of why we drink so much in America and how to stop. Does alcohol really help you to relieve stress? Is it truly an effective way to combat social anxiety? When Annie really took the time to become educated on the topic she found that, in the long run, alcohol actually ends up hurting those who consume it much more than it helps. Most of the time, drinking worsened the very problems people were using alcohol to solve.Armed with this knowledge, Annie no longer felt the need to drink. Instead of fighting alcoholism the traditional way, a way in which the journey is viewed as a torturous uphill battle, Annie simply looked at the pros and cons and decided that there were no good reasons to keep drinking. In fact, she found that not drinking was a much more positive experience, so she just stopped doing it one day and never looked back.Positivity plays a big role in Annie’s approach to curbing alcoholic behavior. Annie talks about how rarely we acknowledge the power of positivity when it comes to changing our habits. Instead of focusing on everything you’re giving up when you give up drinking, think instead about what you’re gaining: long term health, peace of mind, and freedom from addiction.Annie took these ideas and compiled them into a pdf, which she then put online, expecting only friends and family to read it. Instead, the pdf was downloaded over 20,000 times in two weeks. After months of requests from fans of the pdf, Annie self published a book which contains all her experiences and methods. The book experienced great popularity, and became subject to a bidding war between five major publishers. Along with publishing another book, she also has a podcast, a website (thealcoholexpirement.com), and has been featured in Forbes, the Chicago Tribune, and more. People everywhere have begun adopting Annie’s strategy as an alternative to traditional treatment.That’s because traditional treatment has a lot of issues, many of which we discuss in the episode. There’s a lot of things we believe about alcohol which—-according to Anna--are serious misconceptions. One of the biggest ones Annie and I discuss is the illusion of a binary system of classification when it comes to diagnosing alcoholism. As a society, we tend to separate people into two categories: alcoholic and non-alcoholic. This labeling causes a lot more problems than it solves.One of the main issues with this is that it dissuades people from getting help. People assume that only those with genetic or personality disorders have alcohol issues. This makes them more hesitant to seek treatment, as they don’t want to be one of “those” people, the people with the problems.On the other hand, those who do end up being diagnosed with alcoholism and going into treatment are faced with an extremely intense amount of scrutiny over their habits They are expected to be entirely sober, to the point where one drink becomes a major source of anxiety and fear. This is because they are seen as chemically addicted individuals with genetic disorders. However, Annie informs us that 90% of those who drink excessively are not found to be chemically dependent on alcohol. Most of the problem is their mentality towards drinking which, with Annie’s methods, can be fixed.So many of these misconceptions are fed by the media, something we may not even be noticing. Annie explains that a lot of the time, information about alcoholism in the media is misconstrued or exaggerated because people don’t actually want to believe that alcohol is dangerous. As we interact with the media, we don’t want to read or share things that make us question our preconceived ideas or opinions. We want things that align with what we already believe and confirm what we already think.What this means is that if we’re a regular drinker, as many Americans are, an article that makes us question our reality too much or has something negative to say about drinking is not one we’re going to circulate among our friends and family. Instead, we’re more likely to click on an article that tells us that red wine is good for our heart, or that it helps us live longer. According to Annie, most of these articles use research that is taken out of context and misconstrued. We don’t want to be susceptible to this--and we don’t want our teens to be susceptible either.As parents, how can we talk to our kids about alcohol to make sure they aren’t led in the wrong direction by these misconceptions? Annie dives into this in the episode. In short, she says the key is to use vulnerability. Talk to your kid honestly about your own experiences and mistakes you’ve made in the past. Basically--keep it real! If you fill your child’s head with antagonizing notions about drinking that are filled with hypocrisy, they’re not going to listen to you, nor are they going to keep you informed on their own drinking.Additionally, you want to model the behavior you want to see your children exhibit. Your habits are very influential on the choices your children make. How much and how often you drink sets a precedent for your child’s drinking habits.With all that being s...

Dr. Jess Shatkin, author of Born to be Wild and expert in the field of child and adolescent psychiatry, clues us into why teens run wild and how we can help keep them safe. A still-developing brain and high levels of hormones mean parents have their work cut out for them!Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesWe have the “talk” with our teens and make sure they at least attend health class. We push our teens to get adequate sleep and nutrition. We put our teens through D.A.R.E. and make clear drugs and alcohol are not acceptable. And vandalism and stealing are against the law--we shouldn't even have to mention that to our teens.So Why--why! we wonder, Why do teenagers still do these things!? And for Chrissake why is it always teens doing the misbehaving? You rarely see groups of 25 year old's, 40 year old's or (spry) 80 year old's participating in reckless and risky behaviors.Adults--from parents to deans to coaches--devote so much time and energy into trying to teach adolescents the risks of misbehaving. From broken bones to trauma, we want to help our teens avoid threats to their physical and mental health—so why don’t teens act accordingly? Why are teenagers more likely to take risks than any other age group? Do they really think they’re invincible?Teenage risk taking is more complicated than just a single platitude. It’s not just the fact that teen brain’s executive regions are under construction: an influx of hormones muddles things up along with intense peer pressure, whether real or perceived.To understand the interaction between the biology and neurology of the teen brain, this week I spoke with Dr. Jess Shatkin, author of Born to Be Wild: Why Teens Take Risks, and How We Can Help Keep Them Safe. As a practicing psychiatrist in Manhattan and Vice Chair for Education and Professor of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry and Pediatrics at the NYU School of Medicine, Dr. Shatkin has been entrenched in the workings of the teenage brain for decades.Dr. Shatkin was curious as to why teenagers make risky decisions even in his early days. The youngest of eight, he watched his older siblings morph and change, from tame tweens to wild teens to mature twentysomethings and adults. When Dr. Shatkin himself was a teen, he realized that he was making decisions he logically wouldn’t otherwise, had he been younger. And with older siblings to look up to, he knew he wouldn’t always feel so, well, wild.While teenage risk taking is more common than we’d like, it turns out teens don’t actually think they are invincible, as many adults have come to believe. We’d be wrong to assume teens feel as invincible as we think they act.When researchers actually began to ask teens if they think they’re invincible, a curious pattern emerged. Teenagers actually tend to overestimate the risk they face from certain activities. When prompted, most teenagers will say they believe they are around 90% likely to get pregnant from one instance of unprotected sex (the real number is somewhere around 20%). Some young people do believe that they are invincible, but from Jess’s studies, this is not due to age, but instead the personality of the individual. It’s the adults, in fact, who are more likely to feel a false sense of invincibility.So then why are teenagers more likely to take risks if they are so certain that negative consequences will arise? As Jess explained to me, this can be largely attributed to evolution. Adolescence is when our body starts to develop the need to seem attractive to potential mates as well as adjust to any new changes in the environment. We suddenly experience an influx of hormones which encourage us to impress our peers by exhibiting our affinity for danger.Whether we’re conscious of it or not, we want our peers to see us as cool, interesting, and sexy--good qualities in a viable mate. In one study Dr. Shatkin and I talked about, researchers used financial choices to assess young people’s changes in decision making. Every students who participated was given two options: get $200 immediately, or wait six months and receive $1,000. $1,000 is 4 times more than the $200--the choice should be easy! And for students that made the decision alone, it was. They all selected the delayed reward of the $1000. However, when the researchers had a student make the exact same decision but in front of one or more peers, the majority of students switched to taking the immediate $200. Even when the researchers just made participants think there was a peer watching from behind a one-way mirror, the students took the immediate reward. It was as if the logical processing power of the brain was turned off in the face of a peer nearby.As parents, this might be alarming. The study has implications far beyond just missing out on $800. What if your teen follows their friends to a college that is exorbitantly expensive just because it is ‘cooler’? Or what if they put their life on the line when driving a peer home? You want your children to become responsible, respectable independent thinkers, not impulsive risk takers who are frighteningly susceptible to peer pressure! You’ve already warned them about the dangers of teenage risk taking and yet, they seem to insist on getting into trouble.When it comes to helping our kids develop ways to muster through tempting risks, Dr. Shatkin reminds us that the language we use is of the utmost importance. Just telling kids that activities are risky does not make them less likely to participate in them. Take for example the high rates of teen pregnancy among teens who have been given the simple message of “don’t,” with no education around it.Simply inundating teens with the same warning messages over and over, doesn’t lead to changed behavior. Instead of repeating how risky having unprotected sex is, you could have a conversation with your teen about what your teen could say or do when they find themselves in a heated and compromising situation. See our interview with Dr. Lisa Damour on helping teens develop more ways to say ‘no.’And what is it that drives teens to seek out these risky situations? The answer is a hormone we more regularly associate with matters of lust: dopamine. But dopamine is not just for lovers. It is a vital hormone that drives us to take action, getting us excited about possibilities. Dopamine is intricately linked to reward circuitry and is at elevated levels during the teen years. Readers may already be familiar with the studies that show teens' brains look similar to the brains of gambling addicts under fMRI scans.Dopamine spikes when we sense a reward is near--like thinking about an upcoming vacation or how impressed your peers will be if you snuck into your neighbor’s pool and did a cannonball. If you haven’t planned that vacation yet, dopamine will keep you busily scheduling and booking things, and you might even get a little spike in dopamine when you tell other people about it. The difference for a teen might be they are wildly excited about the vacation, particularly if it can make them seem ‘cool’ to their peers. They might develop a bug for traveling if they firstly enjoy their time traveling and if they receive the ‘reward’ of peer approval when they come back and regale their p...

Lauren Muhlheim, author of When Your Teen Has an Eating Disorder and clinical psychologist, speaks with Andy on spotting and treating eating disorders in teens. Eating disorders are scary, but Lauren tells us that together, families can reduce the dangers and stress eating disorders cause.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesFor the average person, there is absolutely nothing frightening about pizza. It’s delicious, cheap to order, and easy to eat! So why might pizza be such a struggle for a teenager with an eating disorder?Pizza is high in calories and fat, and can be very triggering for someone who constantly obsesses over what they eat. Pizza is also the go-to food for birthday parties, school events, or college activities. It’s one of the most frequently eaten foods in American culture. For a teenager with an eating disorder, adjusting to regular life means eating pizza--and for them, this is isn’t easy.That’s why we need to take teen eating disorder treatment seriously, and help those suffering from anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating as soon as possible. By waiting too long to address these problems, or letting teenagers struggle with them alone, their physical and mental health can only get worse. It can become so serious that even something as simple as pizza at a school event can become a battleground.My guest today is Lauren Muhlheim, clinical psychologist and expert on teen eating disorder treatment. She recently authored When Your Teen Has an Eating Disorder: Practical Strategies to Help Your Teen Recover from Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating. The book dives into a lot of information about eating disorder recovery, focusing mainly on the idea of family-based treatment.You may be familiar with the term family therapy, in which a family undergoes treatment together to work out issues they may be having with one another. Although they may sound similar, family therapy and family-based treatment are actually very different. When it comes to teen eating disorder treatment, family therapy focuses on the cause of the disorder, viewing family issues as the underlying problem. This kind of treatment usually only looks at the family as the cause, and places the solution in the hands of residential or other professional treatment. Family based treatment focuses on how families can set up structures and systems to help their teen heal physically and mentally. In this type of therapy, families essentially become the residential treatment; they are the ones who monitor eating, take measures to inhibit purging, or whatever the teenager may need.This kind of therapy is derived from research done in the U.K. in the 90s, before being brought over to the U.S., to be studied by researchers at Stanford University. Previously, family therapy was the most widely spread treatment for eating disorders, going back as far as the 1600s. For centuries, teenagers have been leaving their homes to get residential treatment for eating disorders, and then returning home only to relapse. Many times, this can be attributed to losing the structure of in-patient therapy and suddenly being left to their own devices. Family based treatment was invented to stop this issue, and is now the most researched form of teen eating disorder treatment.For parents, the idea of family-based therapy should be encouraging, not disheartening. This means that you are part of the solution, that there are steps you can take to help your child! You have the ability to guide your teenager through this difficult period.So where can we as parents start when it comes to stopping eating disorders in our homes?The first step is to watch your teenager closely and take any sign of an eating disorder seriously. One of the most important things to prevent a disorder from worsening, according to Lauren, is to not wait too long. She mentions that some pediatricians or doctors may tell parents to wait for more symptoms to arise before truly taking the disorder seriously, but if a parent waits too long, the disorder can become so bad that it takes a teenager years to recover. This problem is particularly bad when it comes to teens and anorexia. She mentions that there are no negative repercussions for having a talk with your child about eating habits and the possibility of an eating disorders, and that it’s much better to do so then to sit back and allow the problem to unfold.Lauren says be careful not to be so affected by diet culture that you are more nervous about your teenager gaining weight than losing it. You might regard low weight as positive thing or a sign of health, but it’s important to pay close attention to teenager’s habits to make sure they aren’t treating their bodies poorly. Lauren also emphasizes watching teen’s trajectory along their growth and height charts. If you’re paying attention and checking regularly, you are more likely to notice when your teenager seems to take an unhealthy dip in their growth. Lauren stresses that a teen who is staying the same size can sometimes be just as bad as an adult who is drastically losing weight. Teenagers are supposed to be gaining weight to keep up with their growth and not doing so could be dangerous. Noticing anything that concerns you may be a good sign that you should seek teen eating disorder treatment.If you decide to try family-based therapy, the best way to start is to help your teen get back to their healthy weight. Lauren equates food to medicine for teen eating disorder treatment; The anxiety and depression teenagers feel when they get stuck in an eating disorder is largely caused by malnutrition. Lauren and I discuss a groundbreaking study in which men in their 20s with great physical and mental health had their caloric intake cut by 50% for six months. As a result of their poor nutrition, they became extremely anxious, depressed and obsessed with food.This state is called negative energy balance: someone is eating too little or exercising too much instead of maintaining healthy habits and feels physical and mental effects. For those who are predisposed to developing eating disorders and find themselves with negative energy balance, these physical and mental issues and lack of nutrition become a brutal cycle from which they cannot escape. This is why Lauren says getting teenagers fed is the priority when it comes to teen eating disorder treatment.You may be wondering, how can I get a teenager to eat regular, balanced meals if they were previously diagnosed with a disorder that is defined by their adversity to eating? Taking a strong stance and imposing structure may cause a lot of tension between you and your teen, but it’s much better than allowing the disorder to continue to manifest. The key is to have lots of structure and supervision. Starting with three meals and three snacks a day is a good start. Some teenagers may need to replenish weight they’ve lost or failed to gain because of their disorder. In some cases, they may have become hypermetabolic. In these situations, teenagers may need to eat as much as 3,000 or 6,000 calories a day. It may seem like a lot, but taking these steps is going to help your teen be happy and healthy so they can reach their full potential!Supervising your teen to make sure they eat is one of the best ways to help them fix their negative energy balance and recover. This can mean making sure they eat at home, but in s...

Esther Wojcicki, author of How to Raise Successful People, shares her insights into what we can give teens in the home and the classroom to set them up for ultimate success later in life. As the mother of 3 highly successful daughters in Silicon Valley and founder of the Media Arts Program at Palo Alto High School, Esther not only talks the talk but walks the walk.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesWe all want our teens to be successful. But it’s hard to know if we’re pushing too hard...or not enough. Maybe you faced this dilemma when your teen adamantly wanted to quit piano, even though you knew they’ll regret it down the line. Or maybe they just got back from college and want to abandon their original career path. Sometimes it may feel like you’re walking on a tightrope, trying not to squash their hopes and dreams but also attempting to protect them from their ignorance. Luckily, Esther Wojcicki: American journalist, renowned educator, and mother of three incredibly successful daughters, joins me this week to share with listeners highly effective lessons that can help you empower your teen towards success.Like many teens, Esther Wojcicki, author of How to Raise Successful People: Simple Lessons for Radical Results, questioned everything. And while not every teen’s power struggle is warranted, sometimes it produces the breakthrough needed. In Esther’s case, it saved her life. When Esther’s mother told her to lie down in her room while carbon monoxide was leaking into their home, Esther challenged her mom and insisted they go outside. This experience and others similar inspired both Esther’s teaching and parenting philosophy.In the 1980s-- and still today-- many educators assume an authoritarian role in the classroom: they are the keeper of information, and they are the lead disciplinarian should teen behavior go awry. And many well-intentioned parents handle their kids this way too. But Esther decided to shake things up.Instead of viewing her high school students as being that ought to be managed, and their questions as shots at her authority, she approached them as partners. She allowed them space and support to get creative. She collaboratively worked with them to achieve their projects. And more than anything, she showed interest in their work and expressed kindness along the way. Not only did she create a welcoming, empowering environment that inspired hundreds of kids to join, but she also helped her students achieve success beyond their wildest dreams. The once 20-student journalism classroom she led decades ago has grown to be the largest in the United States. With over 600 students, 5 teachers, and 9 prestigious journalism publication awards, Esther cracked the code. Without pushing them to the brink or letting them abandon their untapped potential, Esther found a way to help her students succeed while fostering meaningful relationships with them. These seemingly simple pillars-- creativity, collaboration, and kindness--yield radical results not just in the classroom, but in families.When I asked Esther how parents can create a similar environment to that she spearheaded in school, Esther emphasized the importance of shared trust and opportunities for independence. In theory, of course it’s easy to see how both these values can help our teen grow closer to us and successful in their own right. But in practice, it feels like there’s less time, more emotions, and more at stake. Many parents, trying to protect their teens, double down on control and implement more restrictions. It makes sense to do this, especially when parents feel safer having more control. But Esther warns against this urge. Because the more control a parent implements, the more likely distrust will fester in their relationship with the teen. This distrust can manifest into either deception or defiance, which is a lose-lose situation. Esther believes the way parents and teens can equally feel safe and affirmed does not require teens to relinquish control or parents to overcorrect teens’ decisions. It requires taking off the training wheels and allowing your teen to ride the bike, scrape their knees, and lean on you for support as needed.As a grandmother, Esther helped her grandchildren experience the joy of shared trust and independence by allowing them to go back-to-school shopping at Target, free from parental control. While her daughter thought Esther would be closely supervising the entire time, Esther was actually running other errands while the soon-to-be third graders were getting what they needed, and would call her when they were done. While this exact scenario may not be easily replicated for some families, there are many ways throughout the day where parents can empower their teen to grow independently, feel your trust, and find their path to success.But what if you don’t agree with my teen’s passions? Perhaps they’re obsessed with gaming, or fixated on social media. Do you always have to stand by them? How can we redirect if it appears the interest is displeasing? When I asked Esther how parents can support their teen in such instances, Esther assured me that teens’ interests can be fleeting, and they should be allowed to engage with and explore them nonetheless. Instead of engaging with your teen in a combative way about it (i.e. no more gaming!), maybe encourage them to dig deeper. For example, Esther’s grandson had--what her daughter considered-- a gaming addiction at age 10. They were quite concerned: and justifiably so. Rather than controlling him and slowly suffocating his interests here, Esther encouraged her daughter to lean in instead. She had her son create a gaming computer for himself, and now he’s the family’s go-to guy for computer issues! By finding creative solutions to allow for independence and self-actualization, parents can help their teen experience success in their own unique way.What’s tougher than redirecting your teen to productively enrich their passion is motivating them to have one in the first place. Nowadays, Esther and I noted, many college grads return from their university bubble and find themselves twiddling their thumbs at home, paralyzed by the real-world, or unmotivated to join the workforce for whatever reason. While allowing your teen a break in between major transitions such as college is important, what’s more important is having your teen do something. Sitting around and feeling sorry for themselves is not an option, Esther argues. They don’t have to know exactly what they want to do for the rest of their lives right now, but they should at least be doing something that somehow helps the world. And not every kid can predict what career path will fulfill and sustain them for decades to come, so they have to try things out! Allow them to. Don’t freak out if they struggle to find their way. So long as they’re honestly applying themselves, give them the space and support they need to succeed.In addition to these nuanced perspectives and helpful tips, Esther and I discuss:Building trust together in familiesShowing interest 101Activating teenage creativityStaying strong, quitting, and taking a break: which is best and when?Find out more about Esther’s remarkable insights about raising highly successful teens today! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—deli...

Amy Schalet, author of Not Under My Roof reveals the cultural underpinnings of teen sexual development. Amy and I discuss how a focus on achievement may leave teens feeling unsuccessful in intimate relationships later in life--and also what parents might try to better prepare their teens for connection.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesEvery parent wants their teen to find love one day. But maybe not while the teen is under their roof! For teens in American, being sexually active is considered a health risk. While sex at any age can come with risk of disease, infection, or unwanted pregnancy, many parents avoid talking about it, preferring to dismiss any relationships formed in high school as temporary--maybe even a distraction to our teens success!But are these well-intentioned efforts doing more harm than good? Certainly the chances of high school relationships lasting into adulthood are rather slim, but the consequences of denying that our teens are experiencing love and experimenting with sex are severe. The teen pregnancy birth rate in the US is around 19 per 1000 births--compare that to a country like the Netherlands who have a teen pregnancy rate of around 4.5 per 1000 births. With similar access to contraception as well as comparable economic advantages, what is it America is doing wrong when it comes to teenage relationships?Amy Schalet, author of Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex, offers our listeners a unique perspective this week: raised by American parents in the Netherlands, Schalet shares her personal, historical, and sociological insights from researching the two countries’ opposing approaches to teenage sexuality. Interestingly enough, this issue stems back to medicine, of all places.In the United States, adolescent sex is viewed as a health risk. And the implications of that on American culture are incredibly strong. The fear and discomfort associated with perspective influences our culture, our upbringing, and our understanding of normalcy. And American parents use it to inform their household rules too. This often means no PDA, minimal conversations around sex, and certainly no sleepovers with adolescent partners. While such is quite normal in the United States, believe it or not, Holland approaches the matter differently altogether.In the Netherlands, family physicians view adolescent sex and teenage sexuality as part of the developmental process. This involves open conversations about love, sex, and contraception in the doctor’s office and the classroom starting at a young age. And thus, parents follow suit. Instead of viewing teenage sexuality as uncomfortable and cringy, Dutch parents are incredibly more open to it. Culturally, adolescent relationships are acknowledged, upheld, and welcomed in Dutch households. And surprisingly, they have the lowest rates of teenage pregnancy in the Western world!But does that mean American parents should start welcoming whoever their teen chooses over for a sleepover? Perhaps not. But it is worth considering how other cultures view teenage sexuality, and how American parents can take the lessons learned into their homes.When I asked Amy Schalet more about the differing attitudes surrounding this topic between the two countries, she noted that the main difference has to do with parental control, and parents’ understanding of their adolescents’ ability to self-regulate.American parents often prescribe limits for their children on things in general, ranging from candy and television time to the age they’re allowed to date, or even marry someone. Dutch parents, however, tend to view their adolescents as capable of self-regulation. Instead of approaching their teen’s partners as adversaries, Dutch parents understand teenage relationships in a more nuanced way. Since love is emphasized and expected in adolescents, parents are more inclined to include their teens’ partners in the family. And instead of imposing limits on their teen’s sexual development, they trust their teen to determine when they’re ready to have a relationship, and when they’re ready to have sex. Overall, when you expect young people to fall in love and you understand how important that is in their lives, you will approach sex differently with them.Maybe you’re not quite ready to let your teen invite their partner for a sleepover. And maybe it’ll not ever be in the cards. Each of our upbringings and cultures shape how we raise our own, and it’s definitely hard to break our expectations and depart from established household rules. Still, there’s great wisdom in other cultures that can enhance our perspectives. Amy Schalet believes if anything, American parents should at least look at the stigmas surrounding sex for boys/girls in the United States, and how Dutch culture works to alleviate them.In her research, Schalet found that teenage women in the United States face harsh repercussions for engaging in sex: they are slut-shamed, ostracized, and seen as lesser. And teenage women, fearing such repercussions, either abstain entirely, or isolate themselves and engage in sex anyway. This is a lose-lose situation for many teen girl/parent relationships. The same can be said about teenage boys. Reduced to their hormones, teenage boys are often shamed from expressing honest love for their partner. Instead of being acknowledged and supported in their search for love, they are only allowed to be tough, hormonal teenagers who seemingly cannot control their sexual urges. This is similarly damaging, Schalet finds. When boys and girls are only allowed to express their sexuality freely as adults, they have to unlearn decades worth of stereotypes and ingrained ideas about love. The Dutch culture, though not perfect, allows both teenage boys and girls more space and agency to develop their sexuality. And maybe American parents can integrate a thing or two to make their teens feel more comfortable with their journeys.Instead of forcing their teens to choose between sexual intimacy and an honest familial relationship, Dutch parents allow their teen to enjoy both. Interestingly enough, Schalet says, this allows Dutch parents more control. By welcoming the teen’s partner into the family, the parents are able to influence both the teen and their partner to engage in familial rituals. Household rules too are more observed this way. Meanwhile, in the United States, teens often have to disconnect from their parents in order to have a sexual life. Driving it underground in this way inevitably hurts the teen/parent relationship.Despite cultural differences, it’s interesting to note: which is healthier for our teen? How can respect and comfort be maintained together?When adolescence is all about becoming your own person, teens often are faced with either severing ties with their parents, or not fully becoming their own person altogether. And without telling parents how to handle their teen’s sexual relationships, Shalet does beg the question: what kind of new relationship do teens have to have with their parents to become a new person? And what kind of negotiation needs to exist so they can still have authentic relationships with themselves, their partner, and their parents? Ultimately, whatever conversation and agreeme...

Tanith Carey, prolific author and journalist, joins us to talk about all the knowledge packed into her latest book, What’s My Teenager Thinking?. Tanith takes us behind “whatever” and “I’m bored” and even “You can’t make me” to discover what the heck is going through a teen’s brain when those classic one liners come out of their mouths!Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesSometimes, talking to your teen feels like arguing with a brick wall. You want to help them, but they’re not listening, they’re angry with you, and worse: they just shrugged and said, “whatever.”And it’s hard not to feel disrespected in these tough situations. As the adult, you want to regain control and set them straight, but if every teen listened when their parents demanded respect, well: we certainly wouldn’t be here today!These inevitable conflicts often arise from two equally strong forces: a teen’s desire to create their own identity, and their desperation for approval-- yours and their peers’. Whether it be obsessively fixating on social media, tagging along on a risky event due to FOMO (fear of missing out) or engaging with mature content, teens are trying to foster independence and belonging, even when it leaves us scratching our heads. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what their motives are, and it’d sure be a whole lot easier if we knew just what they were thinking.But because we’ll probably never truly know, and spying doesn’t exactly foster a healthy parent/teen relationships, parents must remember that their job is not to be their teen’s life coach: it’s to empower them to healthily navigate their independence. And that means controlling our impulses, hosting neutral spaces for communication, and above all, trusting our teens: something journalist, author, and this week’s guest, Tanith Carey, champions in her book What’s My Teenager Thinking: Practical Child Psychology for Modern Parents. Between bullying, vaping, lying, boredom, and more, Tanith covers strategies for managing and responding to these tough situations.When I asked her about a parent’s role in alleged bullying, Tanith believes that parents are most helpful when they listen. In the flurry of emotion and bustle of just getting home, teens usually don’t want you to rattle off a litany of strategies for overcoming the conflict: they just want to be heard. And after they’ve been listened to and are ready for solutions moving forward, put the power back in their hands: guide them to consider solutions. While parents have great wisdom and advice worth sharing, your teen--more than anyone--will know how certain strategies will play out. So engage them in self-questioning: this sounds like: “What if I wasn’t afraid of them?” “In what ways are they stopping me from doing what I want?” “How can I best mediate this?” By engaging the teen in self-questioning, Tanith notes, your teen will most likely determine a viable solution sooner. And they’ll also feel less victimized too.While alleged bullying is a lot trickier to navigate than a teen’s boredom, boredom is still a tough situation worth looking into. Tanith noted that this generation’s desire to be oversaturated with stimulation often leads them to craving productivity/engagement 24/7. And when that’s lost--even for a moment-- teens feel bored. Sometimes this tendency can lead to problematic behavior such as premature or excessive drugs/alcohol, but oftentimes it creates unutilized space for you to connect with your teen. “There’s nothing wrong with being bored!” Tanith argues, and instead of pushing them to find something else to engage with, teach them to view these moments as useful pauses--not failures or shortcomings. Share the space with them: ask them questions and connect with them here. Not only will they no longer be bored, but they can feel closer to you.These moments of connection can especially help when navigating the even tougher situations, like finding out that they’ve viewed mature content. And you want to scold them--who wouldn’t? Still, Tanith argued that scolding the teen here negates a pivotal opportunity to guide them.In Tanith’s research, mature content can significantly affect a teen. The brain can be scarred, and content could linger in the teen’s mind for up to 6 months. Instead of coming unhinged and imposing consequences, try to foster an open dialogue: one where they feel at ease and not intently criticized. This is because Tanith believes that that’s the most defining part of a parent/teen relationship: the degree to which the teen feels criticized. Yes: you may wish they never stumbled upon/searched this content. And yes: the level of investment the teen made in this content may change your response. But regardless, it’s important to contain your impulses and help them reestablish trust because the urge to chastise them here will do more harm than good. At the end of the day, we can’t control what our teens see (and excessively trying to will not reap many benefits either).And then I asked about the infamous “whatever.” You tried to be reasonable and impose some sort of order and they hit you with this passive-aggressive exasperation. Tanith agrees that yes-- this is disrespectful, but instead of firing back, get curious! Maybe not in the moment, though. After taking a step back, Tanith believes parents can better understand their teen’s “whatever” by reopening communication channels. This means helping them name the problem and troubleshooting from there. More than anything, Tanith urges parents to step away when they feel triggered. Because the more authoritarian they are, the more passive aggression they’ll be met with.Another important topic we covered was the vaping craze. Many teens today see it as a fun, safe, rebellious activity that bridges social circles and helps build their independence. Tanith exposed the irony and humor in this: the same demographic teens often rebel against (us; adults; authority) are the same ones marketing vape products to them! And yes: science tells us that vaping is quite damaging health-wise, and it’d be safer if teens simply said “no.” Still, Tanith cautioned against holding unrealistically high expectations for teens. Because the truth is, if you hold true to them, you’re going to be disappointed. What’s truly unrealistic is believing they’ll never engage in such risky behaviors.One more interesting topic Tanith and I covered was the gap year: is it a cop out or not? Because Tanith is from the U.K., she noted that gap years are far more normalized there; teens who take it grow in maturity and confidence so by the time they do reach college, they are better adjusted. But in the U.S., though, many parents think it’s a reason to stall. What’s more normalized in the U.S. is getting a college education straight after college. Putting your teen into a box either way is quite damaging, though. Tanith believes parents should put their biases down and acknowledge either route, or an alternative all together.In addition to handling these tough situations, Tanith and I cover:Social media and why you shouldn’t request to follow your teenYouth activism and constructively viewing mediaLying: is it the ultimate crime?Why the stigma around gap years in the U.S. should be tossed outTanith Carey’s insights make facing these difficult times less stressful. Having a defiant teenager is more or less inev...