Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Leah Plunkett, author of Sharenthood, joins Andy for a discussion on the consequences and benefits of our teens’ extensive digital footprint. We leave more data behind us than we think--who is using it and for what purposes?Full show notesIt’s not always easy to know what to share about your kids online. You might want to celebrate how cute they look in a Winnie the Pooh Halloween costume by posting a picture on Instagram, or share your grievances on Facebook when they just won’t stop wetting the bed. When you decide to snap that pic or type that post however, you might be doing more damage to your kid’s future and reputation than you realize.Today we’re talking about how, even when parents have the best intentions, they may submit their kids to certain risks by posting information online. So much of your information can be found and used online in ways that can be harmful to your children, ways you might not even expect. Although social media can be a great place to share and socialize with friends and family, extra vigilance about your kid’s internet presence is becoming more and more necessary as it becomes cheaper and easier for companies and individuals to collect your data.In this episode, we’re sitting down with Leah Plunkett, author of Sharenthood: Why We Should Think Before We Talk about Our Kids Online. Leah serves as a Faculty Affiliate at the Berkman Klein Center for Internet and Society at Harvard University, and is a leading expert on digital privacy and data collection, especially among young folks. Leah’s expertise on digital media, privacy, and adolescence make for an eye-opening interview about how you can guide yourself and your kids towards more responsible, literate use of the online landscape.Leah and I discuss a broad range of topics, covering everything from why your kids might be affected by your seemingly innocuous Facebook posts, what information is at risk of being collected and exploited from your online activity, and whether or not parents should consider implementing surveillance technology to spy on their teen’s internet behavior.Why You Should Watch What You ShareAs a parent, it can be really rewarding to log on and share what your kids are up to; it gives you the chance to chat with other parents and include your friends and family in your child’s growth! However, there are some things Leah says you might want to be aware of before you hit post...because when something goes online there’s a chance that it can never truly be erased.For starters, posting a picture of your kid with frosting all over their face and down their shirt might seem pretty cute to you, but could potentially embarrass them down the line. Although this may not seem super obvious when kids are still young, bullies can emerge as your kid reaches adolescence, bullies who might be on the prowl for images and facts about your teen that can be used to humiliate them. Leah suggests taking some time to think about how what you post might come around to bite your kid in the butt in a few years.There are also some frightening figures online who can use information about your kids for nefarious purposes. By sharing data about a kid’s whereabouts, their likes and dislikes, what they fear or where they hang out, you may be submitting that information to dangerous folks who lurk on the internet. Now, this doesn’t mean you should immediately sound the alarm and remove every trace of your kid’s existence from Facebook, but there are some ways you can moderate your posts to ensure your kid is safe from these internet predators. Leah and I talk more about this in the episode.The bottom line is that kids are generally too young to consent to being posted about and shared on the web, so Leah says it’s important to take some serious caution about how and where they are portrayed. While you may only have the best intentions, there are always ways your kid’s data could be used to harm them. This goes beyond just cyberbullying or internet predators, with big tech likely collecting huge amounts of data on you and your kids in recent times and using it for all sorts of purposes.The Dark Truth About Data CollectionYou may have heard that companies like Facebook and Google could be collecting some of your data and using it to give you personalized content or targeted ads--but are you aware of just how much data all sorts of companies are gathering about you and your family?Leah dives into just how much information companies are collecting, and how they’re using it. Surprisingly, companies can collect data from things as seemingly innocent as the learning software that your kids use at school, or games they download and play on their phones. Frustratingly, there is not a cohesive location, method or protocol for people to find out how their data is being used.By collecting data about kids online tendencies, attitudes, and habits, companies are able to understand how your child thinks and behaves. This information can then be used in decisions about whether to hire them or grant them admission to college when they grow up. There are hiring companies that harness and combine all of this data to know how well an individual will perform as an employee. When faced with a large pool of applicants, businesses can pay to find out who is the best candidate for the job, and who can be disqualified.Although this might worry you, don’t fret. Leah and I discuss possible solutions to this issue in the episode, talking about specific ways companies can become more accountable in the future for the spread of your data. You might also be wondering, however, how you can talk to your teen about all this, and if you should step in to monitor their online activity. Luckily, Leah’s got some answers for you.Why Surveilling Your Child Might Not Be The AnswerWhen you become aware of just how much data about your kid is up for collection, it can be tempting to install software that controls what media your kid engages with and how much time they spend browsing the web. However, Leah recommends refraining from doing so, as this teaches them a damaging lesson--that surveillance is a natural part of interacting with the online space.Instead, Leah suggests having open and value-based discussions with them about media literacy and their media usage. Although you might feel nervous or unsure about how to approach them about these ideas, Leash stresses how essential these talks can be. She and I chat more in the episode about specific ways you can initiate this kind of discussion and methods you can use to guide your teen away from potentially risky internet behavior.According to Leah, the important thing is making sure your kids have the agency and the ability to make their own judgments about what’s safe and what’s not. When it comes down to it, that’s what matters most about helping keep our kids safe online. We want them to grow up independent and free to follow their chosen path in life, without data collection or negative online forces getting in the way. By making sure our kids can protect themselves, we give them the gift of a safe future.In the Episode…It was very eye-opening to chat with Leah this week about the many dangers kids face online. On top of the topics mentioned above, we talk about:How to talk to kids who know more about the internet than you doWhat content teens should NOT be posting on social media

John G. Miller, author of five books including Raising Accountable Kids and QBQ!, shares his expertise on how to get your teenager to be responsible for their own actions. Plus, the ultimate question to ask when it feels like nothing is working.Full show notesWhen your kids are refusing to listen, staying out past curfew and ignoring your repeated attempts to establish control, some serious questions come to mind. Questions like: When will they start respecting me? How can I get them to listen to me? What is it that causes them to act this way?As frustrated as you may feel--and we know, teens can be frustrating--it turns out that you might be asking yourself the wrong questions. Even when it feels like your kid is single-handedly instigating disagreements and causing turmoil, there is a more effective approach than simply imploring them to end this behavior, an approach that requires you to reflect on your own actions.What is that approach, exactly? Glad you asked. This week I’m sitting down with John G. Miller, author of the classic book QBQ!: The Question Behind the Question and the recent Raising Accountable Kids: How to Be an Outstanding Parent Using the Power of Personal Accountability. John has been speaking and teaching workshops on leadership and management for over twenty years and is also the father of 7 kids! He’s here to share what he’s learned from years of mentoring clients and raising kids, and talk all about how you can practice accountability to become a better parent.In our interview, John covers the basics of the principle of accountability, and the questions you should be asking yourself if you want to improve your parenting powers. He also identifies the qualities that, in his eyes, make a weak parent, and how you can strengthen your approach to ensure your kids become the best people they can be.How To Practice AccountabilityAlthough you may be familiar with the term ‘accountability’, John clears up what he means when he uses the word and how his definition can be harnessed to create a more fulfilling life. In defining accountability, John seeks to define the opposite first. He focuses on three behaviors--victim thinking, blaming others, and procrastination. People tend to embody these traits when they reject accountability. They ask, why can’t others behave the way I want them to? When will people start doing what I need them to do?Instead of engaging in this type of thinking, John encourages you to do the contrary. He asks you to stop focusing on outward factors and instead focus your energies inward. His approach endorses asking questions about how you, yourself can improve your situation, instead of relying on others. In John’s eyes, accountability is not just about keeping others in check, it’s about reflecting on your personal behaviors and practices to see where you can make positive changes.This is especially true for leaders, managers, educators, and for our purposes, parents. Being an authority figure that emphasizes accountability means holding yourself to high standards, and modeling responsible behavior for those who are watching you. In the episode, John dives deeper into the importance of accountability in leadership. Specifically, he talks about how parents can use accountability to create stronger relationships with their teensParenting with AccountabilityWhen it comes to parenting, John talks about how practicing accountability can be a game changer. He shares an anecdote about a woman he got to know through his work, a woman who found herself bickering with her daughter day after day. The woman had repeatedly implored her daughter to change her behavior, but their relationship had only gotten worse.It wasn’t until the woman worked with John to grasp the idea of accountability that things got better. She decided to ask her daughter how she could be a better mother, which allowed her daughter to express the various ways she had felt disrespected or held back by their relationship. The two established a dialogue, and through this channel of communication, they were able to mend their broken relationship.This idea of mutual communication and respect--enabled by accountability--is central to John’s work. He believes that if we ask ourselves what we can do to create compromise, instead of yelling or relying on punitive measures, we can become better parents and build stronger bonds with our teens. In the episode, John gets into this idea further, even sharing a personal story about when he and his son faced a critical disagreement over his son’s path in life.Although John speaks to the importance of listening, he also believes parenting is a very complicated, multifaceted endeavor. While patience and understanding matter, there’s another important practice that he believes should be implemented--discipline.How Accountability Relates to DisciplineIn order to be an accountable parent, John stresses the importance of understanding that your child’s behavior is a reflection of your own parenting. He dispels the notion of blaming your teens issues on current political leaders, the media, or the people they hang out with, and instead implores the parent to focus on how they’ve shaped their child’s behavior.A lot of this comes down to making sure you discipline your child effectively, says John. He believes there’s been a general trend of parents who are afraid of disciplining kids in recent years. This leads to parents continually allowing their kids to misbehave. When parents don’t step in to stop bad behavior early on, they allow it to become a pattern. John stresses that parents should be quick to act on attitudes they don’t approve of, and be unafraid to talk to their kids about how and why certain behaviors are not appropriate or acceptable.For example, parents often find themselves in a situation where the success of their teen is more important to them than it is to the teen themselves. For example, a parent might be spending a lot of time worrying about their child’s academic success, while their child is more concerned with beating their high score on Mario Kart. John expresses the importance of holding yourself accountable for this behavior as a parent, and teaching your teen what happens when they don’t take their responsibilities seriously. If they’re going to get an F for not turning in work they haven’t done, don’t do the work for them--allow them to get an F, and understand what it means to fail.In the end, if you want your child to be a functional, thriving, positive force in the world, John believes you are also accountable for modeling that same behavior. He expresses his belief that humility is the cornerstone of leadership, and by constantly reflecting on how you can be a better individual and a more effective parent, you will be able to raise a happier, more intelligent teen.In the Episode…John's spirited and humorous character shines through in this very entertaining and interesting episode! He’s got a lot to tell us about, and this episode is jam packed with advice until the very end. In addition to the ideas discussed above, we also talk about:How changing our thinking can change our realityWhy we have to continue to grow up, even as adultsWhat to do when it feels like your teenager runs your houseHow to let go...

Dr. Margaret Rutherford, author of Perfectly Hidden Depression and psychologist, chats with Andy about the symptoms--some intuitive and some counterintuitive--of depression. According to Dr. Rutherford many young people hide feelings of depression behind a constant state of achieving.Full show notesWe know our teenagers better than anybody else, so we’d definitely know when they were feeling depressed...right? The basic symptoms of a depressed person are recognizable---withdrawing from social activities, no longer participating in things they used to enjoy, changes in dress and diet. If we saw that our teen exhibited these symptoms or noticed that they seemed anxious or unenthusiastic about life, we’d definitely know something was up.But what about a teen who’s depression isn’t quite so easily spotted? What if your teen seemed to be doing perfectly--class president, varsity soccer team, prom queen--but deep down, they were hiding a seriously crippling mental health crisis? Teenagers like this exist, and in fact this kind of depression is a lot more common than you might think.To shed some light on this subject, we’re sitting down with Dr. Margaret Rutherford, author of Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free From the Perfectionism that Masks your Depression. The book is all about how some people experience depression in a way we may not think of as “traditional” or” conventional”. These people seem as though they’ve got everything together on the surface, but inside, a deep depression is stirring.Dr. Rutherford began to notice this kind of depression in patients in her 25+ years as a therapist. Patients would come in for other conditions, like eating disorders or insomnia, and were surprised at the suggestion that perhaps they may be suffering from depression. These patients would insist that their life was going well, when it was time to discuss the serious traumas they’ve faced, they smiled through it as though there was no pain at all.That’s when Margaret realized that perhaps these patients were experiencing depression in a way she hadn’t quite considered before. She coined the term “Perfectly Hidden Depression”, to describe people who’s sadness was so well hidden that even they themselves didn’t realize it was there. They don’t look depressed, don’t act depressed, have an active life with plenty of friends, but then are suddenly discovered attempting suicide or checking themselves into psych hospitals.In order to help you better understand how this could be possible, Dr. Rutherford dives into the definition of Perfectly Hidden Depression and explains it’s symptoms and signs. In the episode, she describes common habits of people with this condition, which can serve as warning signs that your teen might be experiencing a mental health issue that they can’t or won’t talk about.10 Signs of Perfectly Hidden DepressionIf you’re worried that the description of Perfectly Hidden Depression might sound like your teen, don’t fret. Margaret and I discuss in depth ten common symptoms of people with this condition, so that you can develop a deeper understanding of how it works and how it may be affecting your teen.Dr. Rutherford explains that one thing people with this kind of depression tend to do is focus intensely on outward accomplishments in order to feel valuable. This may occur as a result of feeling an excessive pressure from family or society to achieve highly. They might feel as though they aren’t valid or worthy of love when they aren’t winning awards or getting promotions. Margaret emphasizes that while ambition is a wonderful attribute, this need to fulfill external measures of success can become irrational or cause intense self criticism, leading to a dangerous decline in mental health.This leads to another common habit of those with Perfectly Hidden Depression--the tendency to compartmentalize their feelings. While those who are struggling with these feelings may sense that something is off within them, these folks are likely to put this feeling in a box in their mind and pretend it doesn’t exist, or believe it is simply the result of a bad day. Margaret shares a tragic example of an individual who exhibited some depressive behaviors, who, when a worried friend showed concern, insisted it was only a fleeting feeling. Sadly, a few weeks later, he committed suicide.Oftentimes, people with Perfectly Hidden Depression don’t feel like they can share their negative feelings, or may even suppress them to the point where they don’t let themselves really experience sadness. Dr. Rutherford says that this often occurs because these individuals have a harsh inner critic which might cause them to feel shame over these negative emotions. They’re also often perfectionists, and don’t like to cry, complain, or show that their life is anything less than smooth sailing.In the episode, Margaret discusses all ten common habits of those with Perfectly Hidden Depression and explains how to spot them. Once we’ve defined the syndrome a little further, we dive into what parents might be doing to worsen this condition in teens, and how they can prevent this condition from developing in their kids.How Parents Can Hurt And HelpDr. Rutherford knows that parents would never want to cause their children grief, but she points out some ways parents may be contributing to or worsening the development of Perfectly Hidden Depression in their teens. Oftentimes, the pressure from parents to achieve and perform, whether that’s in school, sports, or other extracurriculars, can be a major contributor to this problem. In the episode, Margaret talks about how we can continue to encourage kids in a healthy way, allowing them to reach their full potential while also allowing them to remain emotionally stable.In many cases, parents might see their kid performing extremely well, and take this to mean that this kid is happy and thriving. This is not a bad assumption--and it is certainly true in some cases. Margaret suggests, however, checking in with your teenager and making sure they are maintaining healthy habits and considering their own mental well-being. In the episode, she explores this idea further and gives tips for what to do if you suspect your teen might be struggling with Perfectly Hidden Depression.When it comes to prevention, Dr. Rutherford stresses the importance of being vulnerable with your kid. She stresses how important it is to model emotional vulnerability to allow teens to grow into individuals who know how to handle all of life's ups and downs. If parents make it seem as though expressing sadness, anger and fear is unacceptable, kids may not learn how to let their feelings out.This means it’s ok to share your disappointments about losing out on a job, your sadness about the death of a loved one. It’s ok to show your teenager that life doesn’t always go as planned. Now of course, it’s not a teenager’s job to help you fix the problem or to be your therapist, but letting them see that failure and negative emotions are a part of life can do wonders for their own emotional health.In The Episode…When it comes to Perfectly Hidden Depression, there’s a lot to learn! Dr. Rutherford and I also cover:How to spot symptoms of Perfectly Hidden DepressionWhy praising perfectionism can be dangerousWhat is appropriate to share with kids and what is notThe five stages of overcoming perfectly hidden depression

Cindy Otis, author of True or False and former CIA analyst, joins Andy to discuss how misinformation snowballs (and how to spot it), the long history of fake news, and how emotion can blind teens (and adults) to the truth.Full show notesWith kids these days having 24/7 access to the internet on a million different devices, free to browse endless content and information, it can be frightening to wonder what they might come across. As a parent, you may worry that your teenager could be reading some inappropriate Reddit threads or secretly playing Minecraft until one AM on a school night….However, there’s a very significant internet force that affects teens these days, one that parents might not always consider: the widespread phenomenon of fake news. You might not think your teenager could encounter dangerous misinformation online, but fake news is much more common than you might think. A 2018 MIT study has found that on Twitter, rumors and conspiracy theories are shared and clicked on almost six times as much as factual news. How can we teach our teens to avoid these fake news outlets and ensure they are remaining informed only by the truth?Our guest today is Cindy Otis, a former CIA analyst and the author of True or False: a CIA Analysts Guide to Spotting Fake News. Cindy’s an expert on cyber security and the spread of information, and she’s here to answer some of your most burning questions about how fake news might find it’s way into your teen’s feed.In our interview today, she outlines some of the book’s most intriguing concepts, like how fake news manages to appear in the first place, why so many people seem to believe it, and some things teens and parents can do to think critically about how they consume media.The Origins of Fake NewsSo how exactly did the concept of fake news come into being? When did all the misinformation begin? While we might think of fake news as a recent development, there’s evidence that fake news as we know it has been around since ancient Egypt! There’s examples of fake news being used in many societies throughout history to influence public opinion on political matters.Cindy brings up an example you might be familiar with: tobacco companies in the 50s and 60s spreading misinformation about cigarettes to distract people from their major health effects. Most of the time, these companies didn’t directly state that cigarettes are good for you, but instead made the scientific findings that advised against cigarettes seem murky and uncertain. By overloading the consumer with contradicting information, they made the science seem less credible.In the episode, Cindy talks about how that’s often the case with fake news. Even if it isn’t necessarily lying to people outright, it may just be used to obscure or cause the reader to question factual information. When there is a lot of confusion and chaos around an issue, people are less likely to believe evidence--like the science that proves cigarettes cause cancer—-and instead find themselves uncertain about what to think.When it comes to fake news in the modern day, social media (where teens spend an enormous amount of time) is a major factor. One way fake news is distributed and spread on these sites is through fake accounts, fake users, comments, likes, etc. Companies and organizations create this false social media presence to help emphasize their own ideas and sway the opinions of the public. Cindy’s research follows this kind of activity closely, and she delves into this idea further in the interview.Now that we know how fake news gets around, it’s time to ask: why do so many people--including, potentially, our teens, seem to believe it?Falling for Fake NewsIt seems as though we’d be able to spot fake news in a heartbeat, but it’s not as easy as you might imagine. To demonstrate the progression of a fake news story finding its way to a large audience and causing panic, Cindy shared a current example about a story on Twitter. This false conspiracy theory claimed that there were 6,000 armed protesters coming to a small midwestern town to destroy property--all 6,000 on one bus, to be exact--and it went viral.You might ask yourself, how might anyone believe that 6,000 people might come to their town unprompted to cause destruction? Cindy explains that the underlying motivation to believe stories like these is fear. People who may not trust minority groups might believe that such people want to hurt them, causing them to accept far-fetched stories like these more easily.This kind of thinking isn’t just true for outlandish ideas like these—social media feeds are curated to cater to the user’s own biases! Websites and companies collect enormous amounts of data on you and your teen’s activity, and then use that information to tell you the kind of things you already want to hear. Although this may not sound bad, organizations may be using you or your teen’s information to get you to spend money or, of course, believe fake news.This tendency of social media to reinforce bias to prop up fake news is especially common when there is a vacuum of information--if details are missing, our brains tend to fill in the blanks with what we think is the truth. Then, when something comes along that agrees with what we think, we like and share it on Facebook or Twitter. This half-baked, highly misleading news is even more likely to stick with us when we’re in highly emotional states and the world around is rapidly changing, like during election season or a pandemic.So when we’re in these chaotic, highly emotional environments, how do we keep ourselves and our teens from falling prey to fake news or misleading information?How to be a Critical Consumer of MediaCindy and I go into depth about steps you and your teen can take to be better consumers of all media, including fake news. One thing we discuss is how all news--both fake and legitimate--might be manipulating your emotions. While serious subjects can definitely naturally touch one’s emotions, it’s important to pay attention to how materials might be attempting to appeal to your teen’s fears or sympathy to sway their opinions. What pictures does the outlet choose to use? What kind of highly charged language might be in place to push you or your teen towards a certain viewpoint?In addition, Cindy talks about how important it is to identify when you or your teen is being micro targeted. Microtargeting is when a company or organization mines a great deal of data about the websites a person visits and products or services they enjoy, and then uses that information to deliver extremely specific content into their feed. This isn’t necessarily a cruel practice, but it may be a tool organizations use to spread false information or to manipulate you as well as your kids.Cindy and I also chat about the reliability of polls and statistics teens or parents might read online--and how it’s hard to find ones that are truly reliable. It’s rare that a poll reaches a diverse population, and it’s not often that respondents feel as though they can answer truthfully. Visualizations of poll results can also be very misleading, and may confuse the viewer into jumping to the wrong conclusion.Overall, what matters is that your teen is informed about how to examine a piece of information and decide whether or not it contains a false rumor or misleading ideas. By sitting your teen down to have these important...

Jonathan Cristall, author of What They Don’t Teach Teens and a career prosecutor, gives Andy the insider scoop on what teens should know to stay calm and collected during any police or criminal encounter. Does your teen know their rights?Full show notes When it comes to raising teens, most of us know how important it it to have conversations about things like safe sex, drugs, and alcohol...but what about police brutality? Cyberbullying? Sexual harassment? Topics like these might feel like they’re coming out of left field….and you may not know where to even start! It’s difficult to teach kids about their legal rights and street smarts when there’s no manual anywhere telling parents how to do so.However, topics like these are vital to the health and safety of the modern teen. Especially in recent times, as society is uncovering just how common sexual assault and police brutality are, it can be so valuable to help your teen understand their rights and basic safety procedures in times of crises or coercion.Our guest today is Jonathan Cristall, a prosecutor who’s years of experience in the legal profession has taught him just how much danger teens can find themselves in. As a father himself, he wanted to give his kids a book that taught them basic legal and self defense information….but couldn’t find one! That’s why he published his new book What They Don’t Teach Teens: Life Safety Skills for Teens and the Adults Who Care for Them. It covers some important stuff your kids might not learn in school--but that they should definitely know.Jonathan sat down with us today to discuss the rights your teen should be aware of during an interaction with law enforcement, the basic street safety skills every teen should have, and how teens can protect themselves from predators online.Having Positive Police InteractionsOverall, Jonathan emphasizes that when it comes to staying safe around police, the most important thing is to respect law enforcement and follow the law…best to avoid having any issue with officers in the first place! Jonathan explains that he believes most members of the police force are just trying to do their job to the best of their ability and keep you safe.But in recent times, conversations about police brutality have become more and more common as current events examine troubling trends in police behavior. Jonathan emphasizes that even though it’s always in your best interest to respect the police, there are some basic constitutional rights your teen should be privy to before they have a run-in with the cops, just in case.In the episode, we get into how many teenagers are not aware of such basic information as their 4th and 5th amendment rights. There are plenty of interactions where teens might be searched unlawfully--even though they have the right to refuse a search! Jonathan and I talk about specific language teenagers can use to tell a police officer that they don’t consent to be searched.Similarly, many teenagers (and even adults) are unaware of what to do when they receive a ticket for something they do not believe they are guilty of. Or if they are allowed to film a police officer while they’re working, if they suspect something’s off. Or even if they are legally able to be detained by an officer! Jonathan clears up all these situations in the episode.Besides encounters with law enforcement, there are some other potential dangers your teen might need to be aware of on the street. Jonathan gets into some basic street safety techniques that can help your teen protect themselves when they’re out and about.How to Help Your Teen Develop Street SmartsNowadays, teens are walking around without even looking up...half the time they’re looking at their phones! Jonathan emphasizes the importance of simple practices like situational awareness--how being cognizant of your surroundings can save you in a crisis.One example Jonathan gives is locating an emergency exit. When teens walk into a restaurant, movie theater, bar, or other place of business, it can be really valuable to make note of where they can exit during a potential emergency. If an emergency does occur and they are faced with pandemonium and panic, they’ll know where to go. In the episode, Jonathan gets into a specific situation he found himself in during his teenage years, and how situational awareness allowed him to get out safely.Another potential danger to your teen Jonathan and I talk about is the possibility of armed kidnap or robbery. If someone pulls a gun on your teen and asks for their wallet, your teen would know to just give up the wallet...right?Actually, in Jonathan’s experience, about a third of teens believe it’s better not to give their things up to an armed assailant--they don’t want to lose their stuff! While it’s understandable to want to keep your iphone, Jonathan emphasizes that items are replaceable but people aren’t! It can be a good idea to remind your teen that in a situation like that, it’s best to just forfeit you belongings to save your life.On top of the dangers they face in the outside world, teens are also at risk for certain dangers online. In the episode Jonathan dives into how teenagers may run into sexual predators or find themselves exploited--and how to prevent these situations from occurring.The Dangers of SextortionJonathan discusses the various ways people can be exploited sexually online--using the word “sextortion” as an umbrella term for things like the non-consensual screen recording of sexual videos or blackmail using nude photographs. Alarmingly, the average age for a sextortion victim is fifteen, and it’s one of the fastest growing dangers teens face online, according to the U.S. Department of Justice.Sextortion perpetrators can be fellow teenagers as well as adults. Sometimes, these adults pose as teenagers, in a process called “catfishing” in which they fake their identity. Sometimes teenagers are lured into disrobing on camera, and then later told that the video will be released to the public if they don’t pay money or perform other services. Other times, teenagers may send nudes to someone they’re in a sexual or romantic relationship with, only to find those nudes passed around to strangers without their consent.In the episode, Jonathan shares ways you can talk with your teen about these potential dangers. He explains how important it is for teens to think critically about their virtual sexual behavior, and consider all possible outcomes of the situation. Being extorted could cause serious damage to their reputation, not to mention they’re social and emotional health.Saying “no” to a request for nudes or other sexually explicit material is not always the easiest thing to do. Jonathan suggests reminding your teenager that if somebody is pressuring them to do something they don’t want to do, then that person likely doesn’t have their best interest at heart. Similarly, Jonathan recommends letting your teenager know that they can talk to you if they find themselves in a dangerous or exploitative situation with someone online, even if they might be scared or ashamed.In the Episode…In addition to these topics, Jonathan and I talk about:When the police can legally search a teen without a warrantWhat to do when an officer is giving a teen a hard timeWhy teenagers should NEVER go with an assailant to ...

Megan Maas, PhD, award-winning researcher at Michigan State University, leads us through the latest reports on pornography use among adolescents. Andy learns only 7% of parents have talked to their teens about porn.Full show notesWhen it comes to having hard conversations with teenagers, talking about pornography is often one of the most awkward and unprecedented topics to cover. It feels so private, so uncomfortable to bring up….especially with your own child! It’s ever so tempting to just skip the conversation altogether. It’s not that likely that your teen is watching porn….right?Quite the contrary. In fact, recent research indicates that about 90% of boys and 60% of girls today are exposed to porn before the age of 17. Not only that, but about a third of teenagers say they watch porn regularly, on a weekly or monthly basis. In contrast, only about 7% of parents have talked to their teenagers about pornography. And with modern pornography becoming more and more exploitative of both it’s stars and it’s viewers, teens could be at risk of viewing some seriously dark stuff--and getting into some frightening patterns.That’s why we have the brilliant Megan Maas on the podcast this week. She’s a seasoned sex educator and researcher of adolescent psychology, and focuses a lot of her energy on helping teenagers and parents become more comfortable with talking about pornography and it’s effects. She’s here to chat all about how to start those hard conversations about porn--and explain why they’re so important.In the episode, Megan dives into why porn is becoming more and more frightening for young people, the possible effects of watching too much porn as a teen, and how we can strike up those talks about porn we might be dreading.When Porn Becomes ProblematicSince we rarely talk about porn--and usually experience it behind closed doors--we might not see it as a widespread phenomenon. However, if we look at statistics about internet usage, we find that the popular pornography website, Pornhub, recieves more traffic than Amazon, Netflix, and Twitter combined. Almost thirty percent of the content that exists online can be classified as pornography...meaning that there’s more porn on the internet than any of us could ever live long enough to watch!With all that porn available to viewers, companies that produce pornogrpahy have had to take new measures to get views, and these measures aren’t exactly the most positive for performers or our teens. In order to compete for clicks, companies are more likely to make videos increasingly risque and shocking. This kind of porn is what we want to keep teens from watching, porn that disregards the idea of consent, respect, and pleasure in sexual intimacy.Although there is porn out there that isn’t necessarily damaging, porn that shows healthy sexual activity between consenting partners, these videos are often mixed in with or buried under much more toxic and disturbing material.You might be thinking that the easiest solution is to download software to block porn sites on your teen’s computer, or punish them for watching these videos. However, these restrictions might only make the problem worse, Megan warns. In the episode, she discusses how trying to keep teens from watching porn together may only cause them to become more interested in watching it--and internalizing what they see.In addition to tackling toxic porn, Megan also touches on another important concern--what might happen if your teen develops a porn addiction?The Effects of Too Much PornWe know it’s natural for teens to develop sexual urges after puberty, and that they may be attracted to porn occasionally when seeking sexual arousal, but when should we be concerned about the quantity of porn they consume?In the episode, Megan and I discuss some common questions surrounding excessive porn use among teenagers. Does watching exessive pornography from a young age make teens more inclined to sexual violence? Does porn replace the need for actual sexual activity if it’s consumed too heavily?Megan shares knowledge from her own research as well as other studies to talk about how porn affects the teenage brain. She discusses why it is exactly thar teens are having less sex these days than they used to--a phenomenon often falsely attributed to teens’ porn consumption.She also equates pornography with fast food: although it can be enjoyable and convenient, it can also have damaging effects if too consumed too much. Megan and I talk in more depth about how this idea can extend past the sphere of pornography to incoporate other areas of modern teenage life. Does social media replace teens' need for actual socialization? Tune in to hear what Megan has to say about how today’s technology affects teen behavior all aroundBut back to the topic at hand. You know the dangers that pornography can pose to your teen, and it’s time to educate them to ensure they traverse the internet safely. We know starting that conversation isn’t easy, but Megan is here to help.Talking to Your Teen About PornographyWhen sitting your teen down to discuss this potentially awkward subject, just remember: it’s totally natural for any teen to be interested in pornography. Although pornography as we know it developed in the mid twentieth century with photography and videography becoming more and more accessible over time, erotica and erotic images have existed in every civilization since the beginning of time. Megan suggests entering the conversation with the mindset that all teenagers are likely experiencing newfound sexual urges and that these feelings are simply a product of biology.Since it’s likely that teens are going to be encountering porn regardless of what you say, Megan explains how you can give your teen a comprehensive run-down of the things they should be looking out for when choosing what porn to watch. Porn that features consent, protection, and mutual pleasure are the ones teenagers should be watching, if they choose to watch any, says Megan.Instead of just having one big talk about sex and pornography, Megan suggests having many small talks over time, starting early and continuing indefinitely. By frequently checking in on your teenager’s sexual health and development, you can ensure that they’re remaining safe and secure in their own body. Having an open line of communication can help you build trust with your teen, meaning they’re more likely to clue you in when something’s wrong.Overall, the important thing is to remind your teen that they are valuable, smart, and have control over their own mind and body. By teaching them to think critically about porn and their own sexual preferences, you are allowing them to have agency over their own sexual choices, instead of shame or confusion.In the Episode...On top of addressing possible concerns that you might have about your teen’s porn consumption and giving tips for starting conversations about responsible porn use with your teen, Megan and I discuss:How young people learn through observationWhat we can do to turn our sex education in a more positive directionHow abstinence education might be damaging to your teenWhy stigmatizing sex in your household can be dangerous to your teen’s sexual healthIf you enjoyed listening to Megan as much as I did, you can check out her website, Meganmaas.com, where you can access her monthly newsletter and plenty of other g...

Malin Gutestam, author of Brain Tools for Teens, shares what she has learned from decades of working in education. There are a few simple tactics that every teen can employ to make their brain work for them--and Malin tells us what parents can do to help.Full show notesWhen your teen is cranky, rude, anxious, or just stressed out, it’s hard not to ask yourself, what’s making them act this way? You may start to worry that it was by something you did...or wonder if there’s something you should be doing! Parenting is one of the world’s toughest jobs, and even when you’re doing your best it can feel as though your teen’s problems are somehow linked to your parenting.The truth is, however, these behaviors could be caused by something far out of your control. Teenager’s moods are affected by so many things: the amount of sleep they get, how much time they spend on their screens, whether or not the person they have a crush on talked to them at school...the list goes on. There’s countless small forces that shape teens’ behavior in big ways, and by looking at research into how teens operate mentally and physically, we can uncover how these forces accumulate to shape teens’ behavior.Our guest this week is Malin Gutestam, a researcher and educator who has worked extensively with adolescents to uncover how teens can not only improve their mood but also find success in their endeavors. She’s the author of Brain Tools for Teens, a guide to teen psychology and biology that focuses on helping teens understand their own form and function to increase performance on everything from academics to athletics. The book is chock full of well-researched advice about how teens can be happy, healthy, and learn effectively.One key idea Malin focuses on is the value of educating teens about the science of their own minds and bodies. For example, if we simply tell teens to sleep more, they’ll likely just end up staying awake until midnight playing Minecraft yet again. But if we can teach them how sleeping more will allow them to lead a more productive and happy life, they might be more likely to tuck themselves in by ten pm.In the episode, Malin discusses the psychological occurrences that can cause teens to act up, and explains some of her research on the value of sleep, and mindfulness.The Science Behind Your Teen’s StressIt can sometimes feel as though your teen lives in a melodrama, when they turn every small event into a spectacle of emotion. While you may think they’re just being theatrical, there’s actually some science behind why they have such intense reactions to seemingly insignificant stuff.Malin explains in the episode how the brain’s prefrontal cortex, which analyzes our surroundings for potential threats, is not quite developed fully until humans reach adulthood. That means for teenagers, telling the difference between a serious concern and a minor blip is not as easy as it is for adults.This also means teens are more likely to get overwhelmed by all the things in their lives that threaten them or stress them out, and they're not always the best at solving problems. In the episode, Malin discusses steps you can take to help them work through their feelings when they’re making mountains out of molehills.She also shares how we can help our teens take their seemingly negative stress and use it positively. Physiologically, the nervousness we feel when we have an important test is the same sensation we experience when we’re about to sing for a crowd or jump out on the soccer field. In our conversation we discuss how teens can channel their anxiety into something more positive and productive.When it comes to regulating emotions and improving performance, there’s another very important physical factor: sleep.How Sleeping Leads to SuccessWe all know that sleeping more helps us have more energy, but what scientific ideas about sleep can we share with our kids to help them understand it’s value? One thing Malin speaks thoroughly about in the episode is sleep’s connection to memory.When we sleep, our body shifts through the day’s memories, like you might shift through shows on Netflix--and just like you might use your remote to save a show to watch for later, the brain stores some memories as useful for the long term. Your brain keeps important information ( a due date for a new project, the name of someone you met, or maybe even a memorable moment with a friend) and ditches the mundane stuff (what you had for breakfast, the songs you heard on the radio as you drove to the store).This process, known as “consolidation,” is super valuable when it comes to tests and examinations. Malin discusses how a good night’s sleep can lead to better scores on an evaluation. However, if we fail to get adequate rest, we can mess up this consolidation process--leading us to perform poorly when it comes to retaining information.Now, whether we’re a developing teen or a fully grown adult, we’ve all stayed up late trying to stuff information into our brains-to “cram” before the next day. Malin explains how, although we think this may help us achieve greater results on our exam, our lack of sleep is actually severely detrimental to our memory.Malin offers a great solution to this problem in the episode. She also talks at length about how not sleeping affects metabolism, and therefore mood. If teens can get more sleep, they can enter their day with more energy, but in order to truly thrive, they’ll have to learn how to harness that energy and use it to better themselves. This is where Malin dives into the importance of self awareness.The Transformative Power of Self AwarenessAlthough there are varying definitions of the term “self awareness”, Malin uses it to describe the ways we pause, slow down, and reflect during our daily lives. Teens these days have got a lot of distractions--they carry around tiny computers in their pockets and can conjure up anything they think of with just a quick google search--but with the right techniques, they can find ways to center themselves and return their focus back to what’s important.Because she knows that teens (and parents) are pretty busy, she suggests short little exercises that can help promote self awareness and tranquility. She cites some of her research, a brief study about how mindfulness can help teens improve their focus during exams. In the study, adolescents who were about to take a math test were told to close their eyes and focus on their breathing for a full minute. At the end, a majority of the teens said this short activity greatly improved their focus.Malin suggests implementing this in your family in small, accessible ways. For example, before eating together, try taking a minute to close your eyes and just breathe, bringing your thoughts back to your breath when you start to get carried away by your anxieties or distractions.Although it may seem a little out of the ordinary to sit with your family in silence, it’s a nice way to incorporate reflection and mindfulness into your day and--bonus points--can help you eat mindfully instead of shoveling food into your mouth (which we all tend to do occasionally, especially when we’re busy or stressed). When we prioritize self awareness, we further our own well-being, and allow ourselves to reach our full potentialIn the Episode…Malin and I chat about all sorts of ways w...

Dr. Larry J. Young, author of The Chemistry Between Us and researcher at Emory, joins Andy to discuss the hormones that drive humans (and animals!) to form deep bonds with each other. Plus, how increasing your teen’s oxytocin could be the key to creating a sociable adult.Full show notesIt can sometimes be worrying when our teenagers struggle to form bonds with other teens. As our kids get older, we want to make sure they’re able to form positive relationships with others so that they can move successfully through college, thrive in the workplace, become president of the United States… or whatever great things they plan to do!So what can you do when your teenager is struggling to connect or even choosing to isolate themselves, playing video games all day instead? You might feel like something’s gone wrong, or that you’ve made a mistake as a parent. Don’t fear, however. With a little scientific exploration, we can get to the bottom of how teens connect with one another, so that you can guide your teen towards better social habits.Our guest today, Dr. Larry Young, is an expert on the hormones that help teens forge and maintain relationships. He’s a professor, leading researcher on social behaviors, and the author of The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex, and the Science of Attraction. He’s here today to delve into the science behind teenagers’ interactions, and how parents can help their kids find social success.In order to examine how teenage brain chemistry affects their ability to socialize, Larry began by studying a subject he knew well: wild animalsSurvival StrategiesDr. Young grew up on a farm, and was always interested in what we could learn about friendships, relationships, and sexual behavior from the behaviors of different animals. In his research, he found that there was a lot of variation amongst different species--and that the same was true for humans.To aid his research on relationship and bonding hormones in humans, Larry spent nearly 25 years studying the mating patterns of voles: small, stocky rodents similar to field mice. He found that unlike many species of animals (and similarly to humans), prairie voles are socially monogamous creatures, who form lasting pairs and raise their young together.For these prairie voles, monogamy provides extra protection and resources for their litter by having both parents around. This ensures that offspring will have a safer upbringing, allowing them to get a head start when it comes to surviving in the world.However, Richard was surprised to find in his research that another, almost identical species of voles adopts the exact opposite strategy. Instead of forming monogamous pairings, males of this species tend to be loners and bachelors, while females often abandon their offspring as early as two months old. For these voles, leaving youngsters to fend for themselves is the chosen strategy to raise a successful litter. Despite being very similar to prairie voles, these voles have their own way of raising kids that doesn’t follow the same rules.This goes to show that not all of us adopt the same survival strategies--and that’s ok. There’s variability in what brings about a successful, happy individual. Some teens are more likely to fend for themselves, while others are more inclined to find a partner or a pack. Similarly, no parenting strategy is perfect, and each of us approaches situations with different perspectives. In the episode, Larry speaks further about how variability presents itself in the wild and amongst humans .Although we’re all different, we all have similar hormones in our brains, informing us on how to attract mates, take care of others and ensure our safety. Learning about these hormones can help us understand our teen’s behavior, and nudge them towards being a little more social. Larry focuses on two of these hormones: Oxytocin and Vasopressin.How Oxytocin Helps Teens Socialize SuccessfullyWhen it comes to forming bonds, one of our brain’s most active hormones is oxytocin. This powerful chemical is what is released in a mother’s brain when she gives birth, the hormone that causes her to care deeply for her child. Throughout the child’s youth, when she engages in nurturing behavior, she releases oxytocin into both her own brain and the brain of her child.Larry explains how kids who may have received lots of skin to skin contact, or heard their parents’ voice consistently throughout childhood have higher levels of oxytocin in their brains, even into adulthood. According to Larry’s research, teens who have these increased oxytocin levels may be more socially capable and confident. For example, politicians are known to have brains with high levels of oxytocin, allowing them to be charming and likeable.For those with lower oxytocin levels, communicating and creating strong relationships can be a little more difficult. Richard discusses how those with low oxytocin have a harder time reading others’ emotions and may not always have an easy time socializing. When a teen appears to have lower oxytocin levels, this is not necessarily the parents’ fault, Dr. Young emphasizes--often times this is out of anyone’s control. It could be caused by small cumulative, cultural factors, or just occur naturally in a person’s brain.If you feel that maybe your teen isn’t experiencing the highest levels of oxytocin, then Dr. Young shares some tips in the episode to help your teenager boost their social abilities to ensure that they’re socially capable and comfortable as they approach adulthood.Now that we’ve discussed oxytocin, let’s look at another significant hormone developing in your adolescent: vasopressin.Vasopressin and EffectsIf oxytocin allows individuals to become more nurturing, Vasopressin is the hormone that causes them to become protective. It’s particularly high in males, as it’s linked to testosterone. It’s the behavioral motivation for males to guard property, children or even their partners.Has your teenage son seem to have developed tendencies that border on violence or aggressiveness? Does he seem a little more possessive than he used to be, getting ticked off when you go in his room or move his things? That’s likely due to increased levels of vasopressin.Richard expresses how important this hormone is to the process of mating; it’s key to bonding females and males together. Although it’s stronger in men, it’s active in females as well, and it's part of what makes people fall in love. That means that if your teenager has begun dating and seems inseparable from their new “friend”.... it’s the hormones at work.Richard talks more specifically about the effects of vasopressin in the episode. Although it may cause a sudden shift in teenage behavior, it’s a perfectly normal part of puberty. By understanding the hormones at work in your teen’s brain, you’ll be more equipped to handle them at their worst, so you can raise them to be their best.In the Episode…Beyond hormones, there’s a lot we can learn from Larry about how teens form relationships and understand one another. His research spans many different topics, and he’s been in the field of behavioral science research for quite a while! We talk about:Whether girls are truly attracted to “bad boys”How fetishes can develop over timeWhy monogamy is an evolutionary adaptation…....

Dr. Richard Lerner, author of The Good Teen and academic at Tufts University, shares his research on “good” teens and “bad” teens. The key to raising a good one? Strong, nurturing, and trusting relationships. Richard shows us how!Full show notesCreating a strong relationship with your teen doesn’t always come easy. It can be hard to interest them in shooting hoops or watching old movies with you...they’re likely more excited about skating or hanging out with their friends at the mall. Even just starting up conversations can be difficult, as teens can sometimes be wary that you’re just trying to nag them or tell them what to do.If we don’t form strong bonds with our teenagers, however, we might be keeping them from reaching their full potential. More and more research on adolescent mental health and self esteem indicates that having meaningful relationships with trusted adults can be vital to their well being. So how can we create powerful connections with our teens to ensure they move into adulthood with confidence and self efficacy?Our guest today is here to talk all about how parents can forge positive relationships with teenagers that give them power to thrive. His name is Richard Lerner, and he’s a professor who’s done some groundbreaking research on the adolescent mind. His book, The Good Teen: Rescuing Adolescents From the Myths of the Storm and Stress Years, is all about how we can smash the myth that adolescents have to be miserable, and instead create nurturing, empowering environments where care and encouragement allow teens to reach their full potential...In the episode, Richard goes into depth on how forming these bonds helps kids prosper, and how you can find ways to connect with your teen and their interests.Why Relationships With Our Teens MatterRichard knows that teenagers are capable of great things, if they are nurtured and given the right resources. His research has followed thousands of adolescents from all different backgrounds, and examined how powerful it can be when we believe in kids and provide them with the tools to build themselves.In fact, the reason Richard entered the field of adolescent psychology was because he felt that teens were too often being told that adolescence was destined to be a negative experience, when he knew that in reality, it can be a period of empowerment. In his research, he examined how positive relationships with adults allowed teens to blossom.Based on his research, Rischard sorted the qualities of successful teens into five categories: confidence, competence, character, connection and caring. Richard believes these principles are attainable for all teens, given the right circumstances. In the episode, he talks about how teens can learn to embody each one.What kids really need to develop these traits, Richard says, is positive relationships with mentors, coaches, friends, and of course, parents. If you want your teen to believe that they’re capable of academic, social, and vocational success, you can start by making an effort to connect with them. Richard explains how you can use these strong relationships to promote moral centeredness for your teens, so that they can grow up to be generous, productive members of society.If you know how powerful these bonds can be, the next question is, how can you initiate conversations and build your relationship with your teen?Get Into What Your Teens Are IntoYou want to connect with your teen, but all they seem to be interested in is their computer or their new eyeshadow palette-whatever it is they’re obsessed with lately. Maybe you want to talk to them, but you don’t really find anything they like to be interesting or appealing as a means of bonding with them.However, finding ways to become interested in the things your teens are interested in is one of the best ways you can help them thrive, according to Richard. These interests are likely tied to their greatest skills and most authentic passions, and by showing them you care, you can help them turn their interest into a serious opportunity for growth. In the episode, Richard shares the many ways you can help kids manifest valuable skills through their natural interests.He shares his own experience with his son as an example. Growing up, Richard's son always loved skateboarding, but Richard never really found a lot of merit in the activity. However, in an attempt to connect with his son, Richard offered to help him build some boxes and ramps to skate on. They decided to place them in the basement, so that he could skateboard down there in the winter.The two of them worked together to construct the materials, allowing them to bond and giving Richard’s son some serious construction skills from a young age. Although Richard wasn’t much of a skater himself, he found ways to use his son’s interest to help them both grow. This growth is a two way street, says Richard. As much as teens learn from you, you can also learn from them.Once you’ve used a teenager’s interests to form a strong bond with them, you’ve opened up a channel of communication. That means you’ll be able to reach them when it comes time to chat about more serious matters.When It’s Time To Get SeriousIn the episode, I ask Richard what advice he has for parents hoping to approach serious topics with their kids. He recommends being proactive, and to talk about serious issues before problems emerge. Bringing up these ideas early on can help prepare teens for life’s curveballs before they come flying towards them.This doesn’t stray too far from Richard’s research about forming strong bonds; in fact, when prompted to give his greatest advice for positive parenting, Richard states trusting, caring, nurturing relationships are key. Whether it’s sitting kids down to talk to them about the more serious aspects of life or just taking time to ask them about their day, putting in the effort can have wonderful results.Every kid, he says, needs an adult that cares irrationally for them, someone who they can rely on. If kids are reminded that they are loved and that they matter, they’ll feel comfortable coming to you when it’s time to discuss serious things.When they do come to talk to you, Richard emphasizes the power of rejecting punishments and punitive measures, in favor of trust and honesty. He suggests sending a message to your teens that you’re concerned and want to help them out, rather than putting them down for their choices. If you make it clear that they can confide in you, they’re more likely to come to you for some advice and clue you in to what’s going on with them.If your kid does decide to share with you, it can be a great opportunity to talk with them about values and principles, imparting upon them the wisdom you’ve gained in your life. In the episode, Richard describes the lifelong balancing act between sharing your opinions and giving your child room to form their own–something he’s been working on since his first say as a father.In the Episode…When it comes to working with teenagers to help them become their best selves, Richard has endless great advice. His research has brought forth amazing discoveries about how adolescents can thrive and become happy, healthy adults. On top of our discussions about forming strong relationships with your teen, Richard and I chat about….How “difficult” children ar...

Barbara Natterson-Horowitz and Kathryn Bowers, authors of the new book Wildhood (and bestseller Zoobiquity), explain the four needs of every adolescent as they transition to healthy adults. Plus, the surprising biology behind teen risk-taking behavior, particularly in groups!Full show notesWatching teens gobble down five plates of food, grow six inches in one night and flock in groups to the mall as they attempt to attract “mates” really makes you think...teens aren’t so different from wild animals! And just like wild animals, our teenagers are up against quite a bit as they begin setting out on their own in the world. They’ll need to know how to protect themselves from danger, how to socialize with others, how to develop effective sexual communication, and how to provide for themselves as they become independent adults.We can’t protect our teens from the force of nature forever...so how can we prepare them to master the art of survival? Amazingly, there’s a lot we can learn about priming out teens for adult life from studying the patterns of adolescent wild animals. Whether it’s uncovering connections between the ways animals and humans both learn to avoid danger, or finding similarities in reproductive patterns across species, our guests today are here to shine light on how wild animals can teach us all about teenage behavior.My conversation today is with Barbara Natterson-Horowitz and Kathryn Bowers. They’ve been researching animal science together for the past ten years—and they’re also both mothers of young adults. Investigating the behaviors of wild animals while simultaneously wrangling teens at home caused them to identify similarities between teen adolescence and animal adolescence. Their book, Wildhood: The Astounding Connections Between Human and Animal Adolescents, discusses how we can use research on animals to help our teens grow up safe, confident, and independent.The key according to Barbara and Kathryn is getting your adolescents’ four main needs met.How Teens Learn to “Sense” DangerWhen it comes to talking about safety, you as a parent may know the difficulty of drawing boundaries for your child. You want to shelter them from danger, but you don’t want to overdo it, leaving them totally helpless when they enter adult life.Kathryn and Barbara elaborate on this idea by explaining how it plays out among fish, specifically salmon. Salmon that are raised in the wild are much more equipped to defend themselves against predators than those who are sheltered and raised in captivity. Wild salmon naturally form a network with others, creating a “school.” By using safety in numbers, they’re able to defend themselves against predators.Those raised in captivity, however, are unable to form those connections to other fish, and are simply unaware of the danger of predators. When they were released into the wild, they are immediately snatched up by predatory fish–so much so that the predators often wait by where captive fish are released, ready to pounce as soon as one swims by!Barbara and Kathryn warn that while of course it’s a good idea to protect your child as they grow up, it’s not always the healthiest to shelter them too much. In the episode, we talk all about how you can walk this line–keeping kids safe while also ensuring that they are aware of how intimidating real life can be.Teenagers are Stressed about StatusAnother similarity between creatures in the wild and the teens in our homes is that both tend to have a preoccupation with status...that is, they want to fit in with the flock, sometimes even become the leaders of the pack! As a parent, you might struggle with guiding your teen through their sudden obsession with popularity and the opinions of their peers.The best explanation for why your teen is consumed by the idea of status is because, like wild animals, their brain is in survival mode. In the animal kingdom, status is deeply linked to who gets the access to the most resources, mates, and protection. That’s why status is so important to teens; as their survival instincts are developing, so is their need for a high status.This is why they can become so distraught when it feels like they don’t fit in. When someone leaves a mean comment on their Instagram page, it doesn’t just hurt a little, it causes a disruption to their brain’s perception of their chances of survival.In the episode, Kathryn and Barbara emphasize how important it is that we be gentle with teenagers as they navigate the social order of teenagerhood. Although hurt feelings may seem insignificant or small, there’s a lot more to it than you might think. We talk in depth about how to approach a teenager who’s feeling a sudden loss in status, and how to remind them that it’s not life or death, even if it may feel that way.Pushing Teens Out of the NestAfter we help our teens learn how to move through the world safely and survive the ups and downs of status, it’s time for us to step back and let them figure it all out on their own...right? We don’t want them to be overly coddled, living at home until they’re thirty!We hope that kids will be able to adapt and develop the skills to get by without us. That’s why we can sometimes be bothered by the possibility that teens will stick around longer than we might expect.You might be familiar with the image of a young bird being pushed out of its nest by its mother, so it can spread its wings and learn to fly. It’s often used as an analogy for parents pressuring young adults to learn to make it on their own, in order to keep them from becoming too reliant on having parents to take care of them.However, Barbara and Kathryn are here to tell you that in several different species of birds, older offspring stick around to help parents take care of the younger ones. In some cases, birds leave the nest of their parents for a period and experience independence, but come back for what’s called “extended parental care.”Although it may feel unnatural or uncomfortable for teens to take a little bit longer to leave the nest, humans are not the only species that exhibits this behavior. It’s totally normal for young adults to take a little extra time to figure things out.In the episode, we chat about how every teen, just like every species, is different. When it comes to watching teens grow and change, there is no normal! What Barbara and Kathryn want to remind us is that the animal kingdom is full of diversity and variation, and so are our teens. No one teenager is going to be the same, and there’s no script for how to be the perfect parent.In the Episode…In addition to these topics, Kathryn, Barbara and I discuss all kinds of ways studying the animal kingdom can help us contextualize the struggles our own teenagers are facing. By looking at animal science as a basis for human behavior, we can find ways to to start conversations about important things like sexual communication, maturity, social adjustment, etc. We cover:Why teens of all species are bad at assessing risk...and what to do mitigate itThe importance of near-missesWhy teens are drawn to horror films and pornographyHow hard-wired adolescent behaviors are controlling your teenI was fascinated to read and hear from these two animal experts on how parents can use the cross-...