Ep 104: A Good Relationship is Key to Raising a Good Teen

Dr. Richard Lerner, author of The Good Teen and academic at Tufts University, shares his research on “good” teens and “bad” teens. The key to raising a good one? Strong, nurturing, and trusting relationships. Richard shows us how!

Full show notes

Creating a strong relationship with your teen doesn’t always come easy. It can be hard to interest them in shooting hoops or watching old movies with you...they’re likely more excited about skating or hanging out with their friends at the mall. Even just starting up conversations can be difficult, as teens can sometimes be wary that you’re just trying to nag them or tell them what to do.

If we don’t form strong bonds with our teenagers, however, we might be keeping them from reaching their full potential. More and more research on adolescent mental health and self esteem indicates that having meaningful relationships with trusted adults can be vital to their well being. So how can we create powerful connections with our teens to ensure they move into adulthood with confidence and self efficacy?

Our guest today is here to talk all about how parents can forge positive relationships with teenagers that give them power to thrive. His name is Richard Lerner, and he’s a professor who’s done some groundbreaking research on the adolescent mind. His book, The Good Teen: Rescuing Adolescents From the Myths of the Storm and Stress Years, is all about how we can smash the myth that adolescents have to be miserable, and instead create nurturing, empowering environments where care and encouragement allow teens to reach their full potential...

In the episode, Richard goes into depth on how forming these bonds helps kids prosper, and how you can find ways to connect with your teen and their interests.

Why Relationships With Our Teens Matter

Richard knows that teenagers are capable of great things, if they are nurtured and given the right resources. His research has followed thousands of adolescents from all different backgrounds, and examined how powerful it can be when we believe in kids and provide them with the tools to build themselves.

In fact, the reason Richard entered the field of adolescent psychology was because he felt that teens were too often being told that adolescence was destined to be a negative experience, when he knew that in reality, it can be a period of empowerment. In his research, he examined how positive relationships with adults allowed teens to blossom.

Based on his research, Rischard sorted the qualities of successful teens into five categories: confidence, competence, character, connection and caring. Richard believes these principles are attainable for all teens, given the right circumstances. In the episode, he talks about how teens can learn to embody each one.

What kids really need to develop these traits, Richard says, is positive relationships with mentors, coaches, friends, and of course, parents. If you want your teen to believe that they’re capable of academic, social, and vocational success, you can start by making an effort to connect with them. Richard explains how you can use these strong relationships to promote moral centeredness for your teens, so that they can grow up to be generous, productive members of society.

If you know how powerful these bonds can be, the next question is, how can you initiate conversations and build your relationship with your teen?

Get Into What Your Teens Are Into

You want to connect with your teen, but all they seem to be interested in is their computer or their new eyeshadow palette-whatever it is they’re obsessed with lately. Maybe you want to talk to them, but you don’t really find anything they like to be interesting or appealing as a means of bonding with them.

However, finding ways to become interested in the things your teens are interested in is one of the best ways you can help them thrive, according to Richard. These interests are likely tied to their greatest skills and most authentic passions, and by showing them you care, you can help them turn their interest into a serious opportunity for growth. In the episode, Richard shares the many ways you can help kids manifest valuable skills through their natural interests.

He shares his own experience with his son as an example. Growing up, Richard's son always loved skateboarding, but Richard never really found a lot of merit in the activity. However, in an attempt to connect with his son, Richard offered to help him build some boxes and ramps to skate on. They decided to place them in the basement, so that he could skateboard down there in the winter.

The two of them worked together to construct the materials, allowing them to bond and giving Richard’s son some serious construction skills from a young age. Although Richard wasn’t much of a skater himself, he found ways to use his son’s interest to help them both grow. This growth is a two way street, says Richard. As much as teens learn from you, you can also learn from them.

Once you’ve used a teenager’s interests to form a strong bond with them, you’ve opened up a channel of communication. That means you’ll be able to reach them when it comes time to chat about more serious matters.

When It’s Time To Get Serious

In the episode, I ask Richard what advice he has for parents hoping to approach serious topics with their kids. He recommends being proactive, and to talk about serious issues before problems emerge. Bringing up these ideas early on can help prepare teens for life’s curveballs before they come flying towards them.

This doesn’t stray too far from Richard’s research about forming strong bonds; in fact, when prompted to give his greatest advice for positive parenting, Richard states trusting, caring, nurturing relationships are key. Whether it’s sitting kids down to talk to them about the more serious aspects of life or just taking time to ask them about their day, putting in the effort can have wonderful results.

Every kid, he says, needs an adult that cares irrationally for them, someone who they can rely on. If kids are reminded that they are loved and that they matter, they’ll feel comfortable coming to you when it’s time to discuss serious things.

When they do come to talk to you, Richard emphasizes the power of rejecting punishments and punitive measures, in favor of trust and honesty. He suggests sending a message to your teens that you’re concerned and want to help them out, rather than putting them down for their choices. If you make it clear that they can confide in you, they’re more likely to come to you for some advice and clue you in to what’s going on with them.

If your kid does decide to share with you, it can be a great opportunity to talk with them about values and principles, imparting upon them the wisdom you’ve gained in your life. In the episode, Richard describes the lifelong balancing act between sharing your opinions and giving your child room to form their own–something he’s been working on since his first say as a father.

In the Episode…

When it comes to working with teenagers to help them become their best selves, Richard has endless great advice. His research has brought forth amazing discoveries about how adolescents can thrive and become happy, healthy adults. On top of our discussions about forming strong relationships with your teen, Richard and I chat about….

• How “difficult” children ar...