Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Jonah Berger, PhD, bestselling author of The Catalyst and Contagious, shows us the most effective way to be catalysts for change. The first step is to uncover what barriers stop teens from changing right now.Full show notesIt’s not easy to talk teens into anything. Simply getting them to clean their room or finish their stats homework is a nightmare! It seems that as soon as you ask them to do something, they do the opposite, just to spite you. It can feel like you’re hitting the same wall over and over, never finding a way through.Beyond just the realms of homework and household chores, this inability to get through to teens can have dire repercussions. If a teen is developing a serious drug problem or skipping school everyday, we need a way to reach them and help them get back on a better path. How can we break the cycle and finally get teens to listen?Our guest today is here to share his revolutionary approach to inciting change in others. His name is Jonah Berger, and his new book is The Catalyst: How to Change Anyone’s Mind. Jonah’s method ditches all the nagging, pleading, and yelling for a much simpler, more harmonious process. He’s here to tell you how you can get kids to WANT to change, instead of trying to force change upon them.In our interview, Jonah explains why trying to convince someone to do something will only push them in the other direction. He expresses why it’s so much more valuable to ask kid’s questions rather than bombard them with what you believe. He also discusses techniques you can use to help your child change their behavior when they just won’t seem to budge.Why Teens Don’t ListenSo why is it that teens just won’t comply when we beg them to change? It’s because our entire approach is wrong, says Jonah.In the episode, he explains how people feel a deep need for autonomy. As humans, we want to feel that we’re behind the wheel of our own lives, steering ourselves in the direction of our choice. When someone else, especially a parent, tells us to behave a certain way, we feel like our agency is threatened. This leads us to retaliate, and do the exact opposite of what’s requested of us.This is especially true for teens who are still trying to figure out who they are. The last thing they want is for their mom or dad to tell them what to do. They want to be free to make all their own choices, even if those aren’t quite as mature as they think. As you’re standing in front of them telling them to come home before curfew, they’re thinking about all the reasons why they should do the exact opposite. The more you push, the more they dig their heels in the ground.As Jonah points out, a lack of information isn’t the issue. Teens know why they shouldn’t be out and about at one AM. They know they should be home safe and sound by curfew. They just don’t want to do it, if you’re telling them tot. So the question is, how can we lead teens to act on their own logic? The trick, Jonah reveals, is making teens believe it’s their own choice.Providing Kids with a “Menu”Clearly, trying to convince kids by sheer force to change won’t work. Kids crave autonomy, and need to believe they arrived on their decisions on their own. However, we can help kids harness this need for autonomy to make the right choices for themselves. Jonah explains how, when you want your teen to change, you can give them a few options. He suggests allowing them to choose their path, instead of telling them what to do outright. This guides them in the right direction while also giving them a say in their own situation.For example, say your kid skateboards for hours after school, leading to them to fail to finish their homework on time. You want them to start coming home by five, so they have time to work on assignments before dinner. But no matter how many times you mention it, they just keep staying out later and later. Using Jonah’s approach, you decide to present them with two options. They can come home at five in time for dinner, or they can come home late–but they’ll have to provide themselves with something to eat.So long as you’re not pressuring your teen to choose one option or another, you’re giving them agency over their own time. If they want to skate, they can do so, but then they won’t receive the meal they’ve always expected to be fed to them in the evening. If they do come home and start their homework, they’ll earn that freshly cooked dinner. Not only will they likely arrive home when you’d prefer, but they’ll feel good about it because they’ll have made the decision themselves.After kids leave home, they’ll no longer have you to nudge them in the right direction. They’ll have to make even bigger choices in the real world, like deciding who they’ll spend time with and how they’ll earn a living. If you want to prepare your kids to grow gracefully into total autonomy, you’ll have to make sure you’re encouraging them to ask the right questions, says Jonah.Helping Kids Think CriticallyWhen kids grow up, and they're alone in the world with no parent holding their hand, they’ll have to figure out how to live a happy life on their own terms. They’ll have no idea how to remain stable and healthy if they aren’t taught to reflect and work out what they truly want. They also might find themselves in a bad spot if they don’t know how to think critically about their actions. Jonah explains how you can help kids be more self aware by prompting them to ask certain questions.If your teen is going out with friends that you don’t know, that may make you nervous, and you might want to forbid them from going. Jonah suggests that instead, you probe them to ask themselves some questions like: Do I really like these people or am I just hanging out with them to feel “cool”? Do they ever pressure me into doing things I don’t want to do? Do I feel safe with these people?By inspiring kids to ask themselves these questions, you’re teaching them to encounter situations with forethought, says Jonah. This ability to think before plunging into things will carry into their adulthood and help them avoid disaster. Additionally, asking broader questions about what they want out of life and the kind of person they want to be will help them develop their own set of values for when they step foot into the world on their own.In the Episode…Jonah’s unique insights about how to spur change in teens makes for a great episode this week. In additions to the topics above we also talk about:Why Tide wasn’t able to keep people from eating Tide PodsHow cognitive dissonance motivates people to changeHow to understand the “zone of acceptance” and “region of rejection”Why we should start by asking for less, and gradually ask for moreAlthough getting teens to make a change can feel impossible, Jonah’s advice brings a fresh and hopeful perspective. Excited to share his expertise with you!

Dr. Michael Gurian, author of Saving Our Sons, The Stone Boys, and 20+ books, joins us for a riveting discussion on the hidden ways in which our institutions and communication hurts boys. Not all is lost: there are plenty of ways we can help boys grow into emotionally resilient and thriving men! Full show notesIn today’s culture, it may seem like the conversation around emotional wellbeing has moved on from solely focusing on women and girls. Yet, we rarely address the emotional wellbeing of boys and men in our cultural institutions like school, work, the family structure, or in our government’s policies. Whether it’s responding to a failed math exam, dealing with a breakup, managing an avalanche of responsibilities while entering adulthood, or dealing with trauma, we need to develop a system that helps boys process their emotions. Luckily, that’s exactly what I talk about in this week’s Talking to Teens podcast episode with psychologist and family counselor, Dr. Michael Gurian.Dr. Gurian has authored well over 20 books on adolescents, young adult males and females, and all kinds of topics relating to growing up and becoming an adult in the world we’re living in today. For more than 20 years Dr. Gurian has been helping young adults deal with trauma. In 1996, he founded the Gurian Institute, a program committed to helping boys and girls by providing counseling, professional development, and parent-teacher involvement for young students’ growth in education, making him the perfect person to talk to about helping young boys process their emotions and trauma.In the episode, our conversation centers around the tactics that parents can use to help teen boys process their emotions and trauma through two of Dr. Gurian’s books about this subject: Saving Our Sons: A New Path for Raising Healthy and Resilient Boys and The Stone Boys. The first is a myth-busting book for the whole family that can help parents and teens understand the latest research in male emotional intelligence, male motivation development, and the effects of neurotoxicity on the brain. The second is a novel that illustrates much of the information covered in the former.Dr. Gurian’s informed approach in both of these books can help parents use them as a conduit for opening their teen to tough conversations about their emotional and mental wellbeing. In the podcast, Dr. Gurian lets us in on his approach and sheds some light on some common questions that parents might have about helping their boys process emotions.So, what are the consequences of ignoring boys’ emotional wellbeing? Well, according to Dr. Gurian, the misconception that boys don’t need to worry about mental health and emotion because many of them take up positions of power in the workplace--occupying roles such as business owners, CEOs, or even the President of the United States--has led to a mental health epidemic. This crisis can be seen in some surprising statistics about gender differences in mental health:For every hundred girls to repeat kindergarten, 194 boys repeat kindergarten.For every 100 girls suspended from public elementary and secondary schools, 215 boys are suspended.For every hundred girls expelled from school, 297 boys are expelled.For every 100 girls aged 15-19-years-old who pass away, there are 242 boys who don’t live past the same age range.It’s no coincidence that these statistics reflect a clear gendered problem when it comes to mental health and performance in our society’s institutions. Dr. Gurian says that we’re creating a system of nurturing in schools, family structures, government policy, and the workplace that doesn't account for how the male brain processes emotion. If we don’t respond to this crisis, boys will grow up without the skills to effectively process their emotions and cope with trauma as they develop through school, the workforce, and their relationships. Luckily, Dr. Gurian walks me through some actionable steps that parents can take to help their boys work through these problems.While you’ll have to listen to the entire podcast to hear about Dr. Gurian’s extensive approach to communicating with boys, here are three primary actions parents can take:Teach boys how to listen first and process their emotions before attempting to problem-solveManage your expectations as a parent around how boys express their emotionsKeep an eye out for common signs of trauma and learn how to approach your teen about themFollowing through on these steps can help you communicate with your teen boy(s) about their feelings and help them work through trauma. During the podcast, Michael walked me through these steps and how parents can better understand boys’ emotions and mentality.Meet Boys At Problem-SolvingAccording to Dr. Gurian, one of the main differences between the male and female brain structure that is responsible for why it may be more difficult for boys to process their emotions is what we call the “sensory register.” The sensory register is processer in the brain that filters all our sensory experiences—like sound, sight, touch, taste, and smell—into emotional responses. It’s basically responsible for how we process the world through our emotions, and apparently, the sensory register impacts how females and males respond differently:For females, there are seven to nine centers in the brain that are engaged when filtering senses. This means that when the world is giving them emotional cues through the sensory register, they’re engaging more parts of their brain that help them calculate and reflect for an informed response.For males, however, there are only two centers in the brain that contribute to this process. This means that less of their brains are engaged when boys convert what happens in the world through their emotive responses. This can make it more difficult for boys to process their emotions and make a calculated response.More importantly, the parts of the brain that are engaged when males process their emotions aren’t as connected to verbal centers as in females. This means two things for how boys respond to emotional trauma: 1. Their first instinct won’t be to communicate or vocalize their wellbeing, and 2. Their first instinct will move more directly toward problem solving. At first, this might seem like a positive response. Trying to problem solve is proactive so it must be a good thing, right?Upon closer inspection, trying to problem solve without carefully acknowledging and reflecting on our emotional status can lead to confusing or even destructive results. If boys try to deal with difficulties by muting their emotional response, they won’t know how to adequately differentiate what’s going on in the world outside themselves from what’s going on inside. For example, if your child fails a homework assignment or underperforms at a sporting event, they might blame themselves or look for a quick response to quiet feelings of disappointment or sadness. This can result in hasty decision-making that doesn’t produce the best result and they won’t be able to adequately address two distinctly different problems.To curb this behavior, Dr. Gurian suggests talking with boys about noticing these tendencies and making them aware of this phenomenon. That way, when their sensory register isn’t able to help them process their emotions, they can give themselves reminders and formally alter their approach to problem-solving. You can say t...

Lydia Fenet, author of The Most Powerful Woman in the Room is You, talks about the top skills young people need to become confident, successful adults who can command any room they walk into--or at least, how they can shine in their own strength. One key? Practice failing...a lot!Full show notesTeenagers are inclined to worry about everything—the phones they have, the clothes they wear, the clique they belong to. They think everything they do will give others a reason to judge them. And unfortunately these insecurities prevent teens from achieving their goals. They’re so afraid of judgement and failure that they’d rather not try at all.As a parent who was once a teen, you can’t help but empathize with them. There may have been a myriad of opportunities you’ve missed out on in your teens because you were too afraid to try them. But the lifetime of experiences you’ve had since your youth has taught you that the things you were afraid of then were miniscule in comparison to the much scarier things you’d eventually accomplish in life. It’s hard to watch your child hold themselves back from things you know they are capable of.In this episode, Lydia Fenet, author of the book The Most Powerful Woman in the Room is You: Command an Audience and Sell Your Way to Success, offers parents advice on raising confident, successful teenagers who know how to command a room. The lead Benefit Auctioneer at Christie’s Auction House in New York City, Lydia knows exactly how it feels to be on top and how to fail! From her own personal success and challenges, Lydia has discovered the top lessons we can teach teens to set them up for success: value of a dollar, the perks of being a good loser, and the secret to successful negotiation.Failing with GraceSay your teen wants to audition for the school musical—as a freshman. Sure they’ve been taking singing lessons for a year, and they played elf number 3 in their Christmas play, but you’re pretty sure they aren’t going to get in. So should you just be honest with them and say “honey, I just don’t want you to get your hopes up.” Lydia says no! Discouraging your kids from trying new things, even if they end up failing, is the best way to stunt their curiosity for life.Lydia shares how she auditioned for her boarding school choir two years but never got in. She was also on a basketball team that lost every single game for four years straight. What did she take away from all this? That losing isn’t half bad. In fact, it’s a part of life that teens should get used to. Lydia believes in encouraging kids to try new things without the pressure to excel. If they end up failing, so what? They’ll see that failing isn’t half bad. In fact, failing is just a step on their way to finding what they love. Failing is a character-building exercise for teens to become more humble and well rounded.Shameless PlugsLydia believes that no one can tell you what you’re good at better than you can. That being said, she recognizes that the confidence to sell yourself to people isn’t instinctive in your teen years. Lydia discusses how in our society, we are taught to shy away from boasting about our skills and accomplishments. That anyone who goes against this is deemed arrogant or ostentatious. This particularly applies to women in the workplace, who are often taught to be meek when making salary requests.Lydia calls for an abolishment of these self-effacing tendencies. When your teen is in an afterschool club and the advisor asks “Is there anyone who specializes in [insert skill that they happen to kick ass in]?”, they should be the first to raise their hand. Why? Because the early bird gets the worm. Being too humble can get in the way of countless opportunities. The pick of the litter doesn’t go to the person who’s most capable. It goes to the person who’s most willing to put themselves out there. Lydia urges parents to teach their teens to freely share what makes them special. To tell people “Yes, I am the 1st string wide receiver on the varsity football team. Yes, I am taking 4 AP classes. Yes, I am fluent in two languages.”It’s not bragging, it’s sharing what they’re most proud of. And doing so can bring them opportunities they’d never imagine. Your teen has worked too hard at building their college resume to not take advantage of opportunities to flex their skills. It doesn’t make them a show off or attention hog. It makes them a valuable asset to whatever club, team, or person they’re offering their skills to.You Are What You NegotiateLydia encourages parents to teach teens about finances and money at an early age. Lydia does this with her own teens by pointing out costs at the grocery store and encouraging them to save up for items they really want. The point is to show her kids that everything in this world costs money. If teens never have to work for what they want because their parents will just buy it for them, they’ll never fully comprehend the value of a dollar.Lydia resents people's tendency to undervalue themselves when asking for a raise. She particularly resents that the gender wage gap exists partially because women are taught to be apologetic when asking for raises. This apologetic mindset is programmed at an early age and can be prevented when parents intervene. Lydia insists that parents of teenage girls teach them to be confident when asking for things. When you teach your daughters to be thoroughly prepared and unemotional going into a negotiation, you’ve raised their chances of getting the wage they deserve.To drive this point home, Lydia shares a story of when she started an auction bid at $100,000. Nobody in the room responded to the starting bid and she was absolutely mortified. But instead letting her insecurities affect her, Lydia improvised by saying “A girls gotta ask.” She was able to get a chuckle out of the audience and resume the auction unphased. The takeaway from this tale is that embarrassment and failure are never as bad as you think it’ll be. If you prepare your teens for the awkward and unsuccessful moments that’ll inevitably happen in life, they’ll be more willing to put themselves out there. Gracefully dealing with these misfortunes will bring them more confidence and urge them to dive into new pursuits fearlessly.In the Episode...I had a wonderful time speaking with the extraordinarily charismatic Lydia Fenet for this week's episode. Her experience rising in the ranks to become the busiest auctioneer in America is inspiring for adults and teens alike. I truly appreciated her willingness to share insightful tips on raising teens that are confident, capable, and independent.In this week's episode we also discuss…Public Speaking and Building an Onstage PersonaHow to Slide into the DMs of Important PeopleHow to Have a Memorable and Successful Job InterviewFighting Stage FrightTips for Effective NetworkingThank you Lydia for taking time away from your busy schedule to offer insightful advice for parents. Please enjoy as you learn how to raise your teens confidence and teach them to command a room.

Dr. Anita Collins, music educator and author of The Music Advantage, explains the surprising and long-lasting positive effects of music on the teen brain. Your teen doesn’t have to be a prodigy to benefit from picking up an instrument!Full show notesIf you feel like your child isn’t living up to their full potential because they get distracted too easily or lose focus of their own goals, just imagine how hard it will be for them to complete important tasks as adults when their responsibilities lie outside of their personal interests. Today, teens have so much going on in their lives that it can be difficult to commit to tasks that they’re not particularly passionate about: maintaining good grades for college admissions, managing chores, and consistently showing up for work. Fortunately, there are ways to help your teen develop discipline in their life.It’s great if your teen has a personal hobby that helps them develop a routine. Activities like sports, scouting, and working on art are all great ways to inspire your teen to regularly follow up with their interests. However, as they begin to take on more time-consuming responsibilities, some of their hobbies might fall to the wayside, and they can start to falter in keeping up with more mundane, yet necessary tasks. Teens that haven’t practiced discipline might start to take detrimental shortcuts on homework when the assignment is too difficult or delay submitting applications when they can’t rely on pure interest. If this behavior continues to develop into a pattern, teens may find themselves without the stamina to sustain themselves through higher education or when they enter the workforce.That’s exactly what I talk about in this week’s podcast episode with Dr. Anita Collins, author of her new book, The Music Advantage: How Music Helps Your Child Develop, Learn, and Thrive. Dr. Collins serves as an award-winning educator, researcher, and writer in the field of brain development and music learning at both the University of Canberra and the University of Melbourne. She’s also written one of the most watched Ted education films ever made, “How Playing an Instrument Benefits Your Brain,” and conducted research about how practicing an instrument can help young adults implement lasting changes in their brain, making her exactly the right person to talk to about developing discipline for teens.Self-Discipline That LastsIn our interview, we talk about Dr. Collins’ neurological approach to helping teens develop discipline through music. While you’ll have to tune in to the full podcast to hear the extent of her research, one aspect of playing an instrument that helps teens develop discipline on a neurological level is practice.Perhaps the most apparent link between developing decision-making skills and playing an instrument is the dedication required to master one. But before we get into how practicing a musical instrument can help change your teenager’s brain structure, it’s important for you to know that it is in fact possible to get your teen to stick to their goals, pick up their trombone, and, well ... practice!Throughout the years that Dr. Collin’s has worked with teens and young adults, she’s gathered a few tactics that parents can use to help motivate their children to consistently pick up their instruments:Designating a specific time period for your teen to practiceWhether it’s for 20 minutes before school every day or for an hour after soccer practice on Fridays, having a designated time period every week dedicated to practicing music can help your teen internalize their mental preparation. If their body adjusts to a regular schedule to play music, then they’re more likely to revisit the task because they both mentally and physically expect to be playing music. Dr. Collins says you can help clue your kids to practice by letting them know that there are “20 minutes till dinner,” automatically setting a clock for them to make some time.Using a literal timer to help limit your teen’s practice anxiety.Sometimes teens face anxiety about completing their tasks because they think they might take a long time. When kids do homework for hours on end, it can be daunting to constantly revisit another task that you feel like you need to get better at. However, this can be frustrating for beginners who feel like they haven’t progressed and might get discouraged or stuck trying to improve until they notice a difference. Setting a timer for playing an instrument can cut through some of the anxiety around mastery, and you can reassure them that over time, they’ll start to notice a difference.Using the idea of a social environment as a stick/carrot incentive.One aspect about playing an instrument that teens can relate to doing well in homework, getting into a good college, or succeeding at work is the social quality. When playing an instrument, there are many social settings that your teen might be either required or tempted to participate in. For example, you might consider enrolling your child in community lessons at the local music center or having them take band class as an elective. In this case, they might be motivated because they know that other people are depending on them to do well. On the other hand, your teen might want to practice at home so that they’re good enough to perform at a talent show or at parties. If they have to play in front of an audience at a recital or in front of friends, they might start to realize that practicing consistently will produce some kind of payoff.  In any case, you can get your teen to consistently practice by asking the question, “How well do you want to do when you play in front of others?”Give your teen the power to choose when they practice.Dr. Collins says that sometimes all teens want is to make their own decisions. This is particularly wise because it helps teens feel independent while reinforcing the impact of their decision-making skills. One way you can do this, according to Anita, is by striking a compromise with your teen. “You have to play for 5 hours every week, but you get to decide when those hours are. At the end of the week, we’ll check in and see how you did.” This approach can help teens realize that playing their instrument for five hours on Friday night might not be the best approach. They’ll get tired halfway through practice and realize that it’s easier to break into more manageable pieces like any other responsibility likely to come their way. This is how your teen establishes habits that allow them to maintain a routine even after they stop playing their instrument. Because they’ve had experience with negative consequences from failing to practice, increasingly positive payoff from adhering to long-term development, and managing time commitment among their other responsibilities, teens will be able to convert responsibility into habit through practice.The Neurology of Learning an InstrumentBut wait, how is it that playing an instrument is going to help your teenager stay focused on other tasks? Just because they’ve practiced playing an instrument, it doesn’t mean they’re going to be able to stay focused when doing their homework, right? One is loud and noisy and takes your full concentration, whereas the other is an internal process. Well, during the podcast, we discuss how developing discipline through practicing a musical instrument works on a neurological level.One great example of this is how playing an instrument changes the way we read...

Lisa Cron, author of the new book Story or Die, shows us how to use and create powerful stories that can drive teens to change their bad behavior without you even asking. Full show notesOften as parents we think telling our teen the facts about texting and driving or vaping will show them that they need to change their behavior. The danger is so clear! When we are in the same room or car as our teen, they may go along with us, but spewing facts at someone rarely causes a person to affect long-term changes to their behavior. But how exactly can you persuade your teen to change for the better if they reject facts? The answer is simple: tell a story.We are affected by stories every moment of the day. In fact, our brains are wired to create narratives about the world and our own lives. Rarely do objective facts persuade as strongly as an emotionally engaging story. But telling a story properly is another matter.Fortunately this week, story-crafting expert Lisa Cron, is ready to help us learn how to spin a tale. Cron is an accomplished writer, literary agent, and TV producer. She’s the author of the new book Story or Die: How to Use Brain Science to Engage, Persuade, and Change Minds in Business and in Life. Cron believes that to make what you say impactful, you have to switch from using facts to telling an engaging emotional story. In today's episode, Cron shares useful advice on how to get your teens to obey your wishes and see your perspective by changing the way you share information with them.Don’t Face the FactsCron expresses that more logically minded parents may think that giving their teens the cold hard facts will convince them that they’re right about something. She shares that there are four different types of facts: warning, validating, conflicting, and neutral. But regardless of what type of fact you use with them, none will work in a fundamental disagreement with your teen.Say your 17-year-old teen thinks that going to a college party isn’t a big deal. They say “I’ll be responsible, I won't do anything reckless, I promise to be home at 1am.” You know that regardless of what they say, it’s just not a good idea. So you give your teen a warning fact: “Lots of assault goes on at college parties.” They say they’ll be on alert for dangerous people. You tell them a neutral fact : ”Underage drinking is illegal.” They say they won’t drink—yah right! Face it, they have an excuse for every fact you bring up and nothing you say is going to get through to them.Cron says that when you bring up points that go directly against what a teenager believes, they’re biologically programmed to see it as a personal attack. This is called confirmation bias.It derives from basic human survival tactics. People used to form tribes of like minded individuals because it would keep them safe. So when we are confronted by facts that oppose our beliefs, we view it as potentially dangerous. Cron explains that our brain's primary function is to take care of the body. When we are psychologically attacked, our bodies are triggered and we shut down. So rather than insisting we’re right, parents need to focus on empathizing with their teens.Get EmotionalPeople say decisions should be made void of emotion. Cron says that this is impossible because nothing ever happens to us that’s not accompanied by emotions. In actuality, we make decisions based on how a rational analysis of something made us feel. Memories are really just past recordings of emotions that exist in our brains to help us remember things. Recall that one time when you lost your keys, scoured your whole house to find it, and ended up being thirty minutes late to an important meeting? You didn’t remember where your keys were because you had no emotional attachment to the random dish you left them in. You might have remembered where you put them if you make up a kooky song about putting it in the same place every day.No one will remember something you told them if they have no connection to it. So in order to get teens to remember a lesson or chore they need to do, parents must tie it to an emotion. You need to see from your teens perspective how your command is affecting them. Is it helping or hurting them? What emotion is it pulling out of them? Tell them a story of why doing what you ask of them will have a positive effect on them. If they happen to be boy crazy, and you’re trying to get them to cook dinner, tell them how you got your spouse to fall in love with you by cooking their favorite meal. If they’d rather hang out with their friends than babysit their younger brother, tell them how a night in with your brother led you on an adventurous scavenger hunt through your neighborhood.What if you don’t want to share the many embarrassing or inappropriate stories from your youth? Cron insists you should. According to her, the best way to add emotion and create a powerful story is to admit mistakes. Teenagers generally don’t want to listen to parents who think they’re perfect and know better. So share a tale of when you’ve made stupid decisions or gotten yourself into sticky situations. As an author, Cron believes that readers find flawless characters to be inauthentic and boring. What people are actually drawn to is vulnerability. So when you’re crafting a cautionary tale to warn your teen of the dangers of texting and driving, don’t be afraid to tell them about the time you did so and ended up getting a $400 ticket. This’ll show them that parents are not perfect. They make the same silly (and costly) mistakes that teens do. The thing we are most afraid of telling our teens may actually be what gets through to them the most.Aha MomentCron says that every story must have an aha moment. A point when you realize the thing you need to do is worth the cost you’re giving up. These moments should be crafted around what you specifically want your teen to take away from the story. If you’re telling them a story because you want them to quit a nasty habit of theirs, they need to have a subjective reason for quitting. Because nobody makes a change for no reason. They change because life has taught them that there is a better way of doing things. You must find your teens motivations for doing whatever it is that’s bothering you and create a greater incentive for them to do it your way.In this episode we discuss….Determining Your Call to Action in a StoryWhy Saying “Go to Your Room and Think About What You’ve Done" Never WorksUnderstanding Teenagers Motivations for MisbehavingHow to Get Your Teen to Stop Texting and DrivingThis week's episode with Lisa Cron was exceptionally eye-opening and insightful. I walked away with a greater understanding of how to get through to teenagers and I hope you do too!

Dr. Joshua Coleman, author of Rules of Estrangement and When Parents Hurt, offers insight on how to repair fractured relationships. Plus, why parental estrangement is becoming increasingly common and what we can do to prevent it in the first place.Full show notesAfter all the blood, sweat, and tears of raising a kid, any parent would want a good relationship with a son or daughter that’s reached adulthood. But sometimes, conflicts that start small during the teenage years grow more intense, and parent-child relationships are ruined by resentment. Many parents find themselves painfully estranged from their grown children after they’ve left the nest. The sad part is, these rifts could have been mended before teens grew into adults, if only parents knew the right approach.Oftentimes, parents do attempt to remedy deep conflicts with teens, but they go about it in the wrong way. Although they have the kid’s best interest at heart, they find themselves using defensive language, or fail to truly empathize with their children. If you want to keep your kids from distancing themselves as adults, you’ll have to really connect and hash things out from the heart.To teach us how to overcome bad blood between ourselves and our teens, we’re talking to Joshua Coleman, author of Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict. Joshua became estranged from his own daughter when he went through a difficult divorce. It became worse when he remarried and had kids with his new wife.He was eventually able to reconnect with his daughter, but the pain of the experience was unforgettable. He decided to dedicate his efforts to researching parent-child estrangement, becoming an expert. He now hosts weekly Q&A’s and writes a regular newsletter on the subject, along with publishing several books about it.So what can Joshua teach us about healing our relationships with our teens? In our interview, he talks about how part of the reason why kids distance themselves is a change in culture. We also talk about how your co-parent can push kids away from you, and how you can begin to breach the divide even when it seems like you’ll never get your kid back.The Significance of Cultural ChangesMany of us think that kids should always remain grateful and loyal to their parents, because that’s the way we were raised. We were taught that family is an indispensable part of life, a duty that follows you forever. However, with millennials and generation z facing a more troubled economy, a tougher job market and a higher price of living, they’ve had to become more focused on their own survival. Jonathan and I discuss how this has led to an overall shift towards an individualistic mindset instead of a collective, family based lifestyle.There’s been a stronger focus on mental health in recent years as well, with more people than ever before entering into psychotherapy. Young folks are significantly more likely than older generations to think deeply and critically about the effects of their upbringing on their wellbeing. This leads to more young adults justifying anger towards the ones who raised them.As a mother or father, this can be incredibly frustrating. It’s not as if parents have become less attentive or careful. In fact, Joshua has found that parents nowadays are more doting towards kids than ever before. However, this can actually lead kids to want to distance themselves even more. If kids have always felt as though they were under a microscope, they’re likely to strive more intensely for individualism, pushing parents away in the process.Joshua and I talk further in the episode about cultural changes that have led to more conflict between kids and parents. In addition to cultural changes, this alienation can also be caused by one parent poisoning the image of the other in the child’s mind.When Parents Put Each Other DownFor some kids, especially when divorce is involved, a kid’s anger towards a parent might be fueled by the other parent. When things are complicated between co-parents, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of dissing the other person when the kid is in earshot. Even when a parent isn’t actively trying to paint the other as a bad person, it can happen as a result of a fight or feud between the two of you.Joshua stresses the importance of remaining grounded and affectionate toward your co-parent, at least in front of your child. Talking bad about the other person isn’t going to help your relationship with your kid. Even if your co-parent is constantly throwing you under the bus, kids need at least one parent to remain stable and keep things collected.So if your co-parent is rocking the boat by filling your child’s mind with bad notions about you, what can you do to keep your kid from turning against you? Joshua suggests challenging your kid to think critically about the comments being made in an attempt to tarnish your image. He also suggests listening to the concerns your kid may have now that you’ve been criticized, and empathize with them to understand where you might be misstepping as a parent.Empathy actually plays a big role in reconnecting with a kid. Joshua and I get into this in the episode.Listening and EmpathizingWhen your kid is pushing you away, citing every choice of yours as a reason for distancing themselves, it’s pretty darn tempting to get defensive. It’s incredibly frustrating when kids don’t understand that you’re trying your best. Despite the frustration, however, Joshua emphasizes the value of coming from a place of understanding when trying to bridge the gap with your kid.Joshua uses a story about his work with paranoid schizophrenics to explain how you should speak to a teen who’s hurt. Joshua found that if he made schizophrenic patients feel as if their delusions were ridiculous, he couldn't get through to them at all. In order to truly help them, he had to validate their beliefs, and understand where they were coming from. Only then was he able to prompt them to question their illogical beliefs.Even if you think your kid is throwing baseless accusations at you, Joshua believes it’s imperative that you find a kernel of truth in what they’re saying. Making kids feel selfish or mean will simply turn them off from working towards unity. Using phrases like, “I’m open to hearing your thoughts and feelings” or “I want to be better going forward” can help you make progress towards finding peace with one another.In the episode, Joshua goes over two examples of letters from parents trying to make amends. Although the two examples are similar, one comes off as defensive and blames the child, while the other conveys understanding and respect for the child’s feelings. We discuss this empathetic approach in depth, explaining how you can lead with kindness instead of bitterness when patching up broken bonds with your teenager.In the Episode….Joshua speaks from the heart in this week's episode, making for a moving interview and great advice for parents who might be grappling with reconnecting to teens. In addition to the topics discussed above, we talk about:Why parents and kids get into a toxic “pursuer/distancer” dynamicHow to talk to kids about college majors you don’t approve ofWhy your adult kids’ spouse might be turning them against youHow to t...

Michelle Icard, author of the new book Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen, joins us to chat about the most important discussions to have with young people these days. We’ll also cover how to make them go smoothly and what parents can do to minimize awkwardness (and arguments) in the process!Full show notesSay you’ve got a touchy topic you want to approach your teen about–maybe you found a vape in their room! You know that the moment you bring it up, your teen will explode and slam the door in your face. Or, even if you are able to sit down and have a real discussion, you’re worried they’ll ask you a question you don’t know the answer to...and you’ll be caught like a deer in headlights! You might be so stressed about the conversation that you just don’t bring your concerns up at all.Avoiding these tricky talks can be tempting, but ignoring them can have serious consequences. If no one walks a teen through complicated subjects like consent, drug use or self esteem, teens might not know what to do when they get themselves into real trouble. Opening up a line of communication with your teen can help them navigate the murky waters of adolescence, and help you rest easy knowing they’re not keeping secrets from you.To figure out how you can approach uncomfortable discussions with your teen, we’re talking to Michelle Icard, author of Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School. Michelle is a member of the Today Show Parenting Team, and has been featured in the Washington Post, Time, People Magazine, and more.In our interview today we’re going over Michelle’s BRIEF model for tough conversations. Yes, this does mean keeping talks with teens short, but the acronym illuminates a super effective set of steps to ease into difficult discussions with kids. Michelle and I also break down how you can confront teens about independence, social media, healthy eating, dating, and more!Michelle’s BRIEF Conversation ModelStarting a conversation with a teenager can be remarkably intimidating, but Michelle’s got it down to a science. She’s gathered the essential steps of having serious talks with teens and combined them into an acronym: BRIEF. In the episode, Michelle and I go through each and every step and explain how you can incorporate them the next time you have to strike up an uncomfortable chat with a teen.The B in BRIEF stands for beginning peacefully. This diplomatic approach is a huge part of bridging the communication gap between you and your teen. It’s easy to freak out when you discover that they have a secret boyfriend or are hiding symptoms of an eating disorder. But if you come out right away with prescriptive or punitive measures, you’ll likely scare your kid off and cause them to shut down. Michelle’s method champions a calm, collected start to the conversation.This can mean kicking off talks off with gentle, general questions that don’t include your teen. For example, if you’re worried that your teen may have started smoking weed, you could casually ask what they think about the current rise in legalization or inquire if it’s something they’d ever consider trying. You could discuss the possible side effects of hypothetically partaking in marijuana use. This non-confrontational tone will keep kids from feeling attacked or judged, giving them an open forum to communicate instead.In our interview, Michelle and I go over the other four steps of the BRIEF method: relating to teens, interviewing for data, echoing your kid, and finally, feedback. This method works for delving into any topic...even complicated subjects like social media and dating.Discussing Social Media With TeensIf you didn’t grow up with social media, it can seem pretty unnecessary–or even alarming. When teens are obsessed with joining Tik Tok and posting on Instagram, it’s normal to be worried that they’ll become addicted or post risque stuff without you knowing. However, Michelle argues that social media can be a great tool for passion and creativity. In the episode, she shares an anecdote about her own daughter creating a fun Hunger Games fan page and getting a shout out from one of the franchise’s actors!If you want teens to be able to have a fulfilling experience online instead of an unhealthy one, Michelle says the key is to sit down and have conversations about it. Social media is a tool that can be useful, or dangerous...just like a buzz saw. And like a buzz saw, you wouldn’t want someone to start using social media if they didn’t know how to operate it safely. Having non judgemental, open talks with teens about what’s too inappropriate to post on Twitter can make a monumental difference.Even after you have thorough dialogue with your teen about social media, you might find that they defy the rules you set. Michelle reminds parents to stay calm and collected, beginning with that peaceful approach. In the episode, we break down how and when to start discussing social media sites with teens. Stepping off the web and into real life, there’s another essential, but awkward discussion you’ll have to have with teens: dating.Having the Dating ConversationEvery parent knows that at some point, they’re going to have to get into a talk with teens about the birds and the bees. It’s inevitable for teens to start crushing on classmates and feeling flirty, so it can be very valuable to talk to them about the ins and outs of relationships, sex and courtship. Michelle’s advice? Start young. If you can have these conversations early and often, you can prevent teens from falling into heartbreak or worse, being pressured into something they don’t want to do.Interestingly, Michelle also recommends not imposing too many limits on teens who are inclined to engage in dating. She explains that parents often want to place kids under a dating age restriction, but that young relationships can actually help kids test the waters and understand what they truly want out of a romantic encounter. Most of the time, these courtships are nothing sexual or serious, but instead just attempts by teens to feel validated and wanted.So should you be afraid to let kid go alone to the mall with their new beau? Michelle says that it can actually be better for two teens who are dating to hang out alone, instead of with a huge gang of people. Oftentimes, big groups can pressure “couples” to do things they might not be comfortable with. When kids are hanging out just the two of them they’re much more likely to be themselves, and not do anything too drastic, says Michelle in our interview.In the Episode….Michelle’s experience talking to parents around the world shines through in her savvy takes on tricky topics. In addition to the subjects mentioned above, we cover:How creating boundaries with teens can actually create stronger bondsWhy teen’s process emotions differently than adultsHow to ditch passive aggression in favor of open communicationWhat to say to encourage teens to eat healthyHow you can help kids naturally become more independentAlthough it’s hard to strike up serious conversations with teens, Michelle teaches us how to have productive, honest talks that don't devolve into eye-rolling or arguments. Grateful to be sharing Michelle's expertise and I hope you have as much fun listening as I did hosting the interview!

Roy F. Baumeister, PhD, bestselling author of Willpower and The Power of Bad, helps us understand our tendency to focus on the negatives and why it’s not all bad. Not winning “the best parent” awards? Turns out that’s not what matters for a successful teen.Full show notesWhen teens find out their friends are hanging out without them, or they didn’t get a part in the school play, they suddenly act like it’s the end of the world! No matter how hard you try to convince them that it’s really not a big deal and that there will be other opportunities in the future, they just can’t seem to get over it. Then, even when they appear to be back to their usual self for a while, it seems like every week something new goes wrong. They just can’t stop making mountains out of molehills!This focus on the negative expands just past dramatic teens–you might notice it in your own experiences. Even when you have ten positive interactions with your coworkers, it’s always the one that goes badly that plays over and over in your mind when you’re trying to sleep at night. You may find yourself scrutinizing your own parenting the same way, thinking about a single mistake even when you usually knock it out of the park.To understand our preoccupation with the unfortunate, we’re talking to Dr. Roy Baumeister, author of The Power of Bad: How the Negativity Effect Rules Us and How We Can Rule It. After his research paper about the human obsession with bad events garnered a remarkable amount of citations, he decided to sit down and write a book about why people tend to think too much about the things that go wrong.Dr. Baumeister and I dive into why negative experiences feel so much more significant than positive ones. We also talk about how to dole out bad news and criticism, and the mind’s peculiar reaction to social rejection.Why We Obsess Over the BadWhen our ancestors were foraging through the forest, they weren’t focused on how nice the sun felt or the beauty of the sunset–they were trying not to die! They were much more likely to take note of events like sudden illness or bad weather because these things may have cost them their life if not addressed. Individuals who were able to concentrate on the negative likely lived longer than those who were caught up in pleasures, leading our modern minds to become preoccupied with negative events.This explains why our current culture seems to be so infatuated with doom and gloom. Our 24 hour news cycle blasts us with info about impending threats and nightmare scenarios. We obsess over the most frightening possible existential threats because our minds are just trying to help us stay alive. It's the same reason we have so many more words to describe misery and despair. Dr. Baumeister and I talk about how words like “trauma” have no positive equivalent.These evolutionary forces are also the reason why teenagers act so melodramatic. Whether it’s conscious or subconscious, they’re preparing to take on the world on their own. They’re deeply affected by bad experiences because deep down, they’re in the process of gaging their chances of survival.As a species, we consider fitting in as an important part of these survival tactics. When we can roll with the pack, we're better prepared against the dark forces we’re so focused on. If we find ourselves not fitting in, however, our body has a curious reaction.The Strange Effect of Social RejectionSince we tend to focus too much on negative events, it seems likely that experiencing social rejection might cause us an immense amount of emotional pain. However, Dr. Baumeister discusses how his research actually demonstrates otherwise. When we’re not invited to a party or turned down for a date, we’re not likely to feel upset but instead, numb.Dr. Baumeister explains that this is also likely a result of evolution. If we were, say, being chased by a tiger in the jungle, we might momentarily hurt ourselves tripping and falling. Instead of letting that pain hold us back, our body releases chemicals that numb the pain, so we can stay alive longer. Although the threat of tigers has diminished, our survival instinct remains, especially within our social spheres. The pain of social rejection hits hard, so our body starts out by removing feelings altogether, says Dr. Baumeister.Because rejection causes our feelings to subside, humans experiencing a lack of belonging are also more likely to lack empathy. As a result, social rejection actually makes us unpredictably aggressive. Those facing the burn of not being included are much more inclined to lash out against those around them. This is why teens, constantly entrenched in the socially ruthless environment of high school, might scream insults and slam the door in your face.It’s easy for parents to fall into this same trap. In the episode, Dr. Baumeister and I discuss how you can work through this urge to lash out with your teen. When it comes to negativity, you might also struggle to tell teens bad news or put punitive measures in place. In the interview we talk about how you can introduce these not-so-positive parts of parenting.Getting into the Necessary NegativesEven though we sometimes wish everything was perfectly peachy, life isn’t a bouquet of roses. Sometimes you’ve got to deliver bad news or dole out some punishment. Dr. Baumeister and I talk through how you can handle all these unpleasant but unavoidable tasks.When we have some unfortunate news to impart, we often adopt a “sandwich” approach, delivering good news first, then bad news, and then good news again. However, Dr. Baumeister discredits the effectiveness of this method. He says this concept emerged as a way to postpone delivering bad news, but doesn’t make dreadful information any easier for the listener to stomach. Instead, he suggests sharing bad news first, and then the good. Our minds crave relief after receiving a load of unpleasant info.Do you often find punishment hard? Well, you should still consider it an important option, says Dr. Baumeister. In his studies, he’s found that punishment is much more effective than positive reinforcement at motivating individuals. You can entice someone with a reward for meeting a standard, but it will work much better if you threaten to take something away, Dr. Baumeister explains. Therefore, you shouldn’t be afraid to punish kids who are out of line.For example if a kid is struggling to get good grades, it’s typical to offer them some cash for every A or B. However, it might be wiser to give them that cash up front, and let them know that for every C or D, they’ll have money taken away. This method has been proven to work with factory employees, young kids, and even teachers.In the Episode…Dr. Baumeister’s many years of research make for a riveting interview this week. In addition to the topics above we talk about:Why you shouldn’t scrutinize your own parenting too muchThe significance of “bad apples” in a group of peopleHow social media can be a positive forceWhy we always think the past is better than the presentHow we often create too much fear around vapingAlthough it’s in our nature to focus on the negative, we can use our tendencies to our advantage. By understanding why we’re so obsessed with bad events, we can break the cycle of negativity.

Rebecca Reid, journalist and author of Rude, sheds light on the surprising positives to rudeness and how we could all get a bit more rude without offending anyone!Full show notesIt’s easy to get caught up worrying about your kid behaving rudely when you’re not around. You might be picturing them going to the neighbor's house and asking for food they weren’t offered, forgetting to say please and thank you, and causing a huge mess without cleaning it up. No one wants a kid with no manners, so we tend to push politeness onto kids with a fervor. We often try so hard to keep kids from being rude that we force them to swing too far in the other direction, towards being overly courteous, saying “sorry” for everything and letting others walk all over them.When we teach our kids to be apologetic, we can do more harm than good. Raising an overly submissive teen can mean that they’re not comfortable raising their hand in the classroom, advocating for themselves in a job interview or even saying no to an unwanted sexual encounter. If we want to raise happy and healthy teens, we have to teach them to be firm, honest, comfortable...and maybe even a little rude.Today we’re sitting down to chat with Rebecca Reid, author of Rude: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Bold. Rebecca is a regular columnist for Marie Clare, the Guardian, the Telegraph, and more. She also makes regular appearances on Good Morning Britain, where she contributes to conversations about political and social issues.Rebecca has been known to be assertive and firm in her convictions...but has always found herself apologizing a little too much. She started to notice that a lot of her submissiveness was caused by how she was conditioned to act as a woman! That’s why she decided to write her book, to help young people, especially girls, understand when it’s ok to be a little impolite and express their true feelings.In our discussion, she breaks down the difference between positive and negative rudeness, the ways in which we can teach kids to understand consent, and how rudeness plays into the parent-teen relationship.The Right Kind of RudeWhen we hear the word “rude”, we think about everything we don’t want our kids to be. We might conjure up images of people chewing with their mouths open, or loudly interrupting somebody with no regard for this current conversation. When Rebecca talks about raising kids to be a little rude, this isn’t quite what she means.Rebecca divides rude behavior into positive and negative. Negative rudeness is what you might think when you think of being rude: using vulgar language, cutting someone in line, or insulting someone’s new haircut. Positive rudeness is all about making things a little uncomfortable when needed. If someone’s exhibiting positive rudeness, they alert the waiter when they’re given the wrong order, or tell someone honestly that they’re not interested in going on a date.In our interview, I talk with Rebecca about how young people, especially girls, have been conditioned to put other people’s feelings before their own. While it can be good to teach kids the importance of being considerate, Rebecca believes we shouldn’t stop there. She says we should also help them understand when it’s appropriate to speak up and communicate their feelings and desires.Take, for example, the difference between saying “sorry” and “thank you”. When we’re late, we tend to apologize, when our true intention is to show that we appreciate the other person waiting for us. We’ve grown so used to saying “sorry” for every small mistake, putting ourselves down unnecessarily. Rebecca explains how it’s ok to not apologize, even when our conditioning makes us feel we have to.A huge part of discussing communication and assertiveness among young people is the idea of helping them stop an unwanted sexual encounter. Rebecca and I delve into this in the episode.Helping Teens Understand ConsentTalking to kids about sex is pretty much always awkward...how could it not be? However, if we totally neglect to talk to kids about the birds and the bees, they might not go into it with the right mindset. They might feel like they need to cave to pressure, or may not know the signs that their partner is feeling pressured.Rebecca and I talk about how this relates to rudeness–that is, making things uncomfortable for the sake of one’s own well being. It might not be the most agreeable thing to say “no” when someone asks for sex, but it’s the right thing for teens to do if they’re not ready to consent.If you want to teach your kid about bodily autonomy, Rebecca says you can start by simply reminding them that they don’t have to do anything they aren’t comfortable with. She suggests explaining to them that if someone is tickling them or tossing them in the air, they can ask for it to to stop. If they don’t want to kiss or hug family members or friends, it can be really valuable to reassure them that they don’t have to.Similarly, Rebecca suggests creating an environment in your home where teens can come to you if they’ve had a sexual experience they aren’t sure about. Even though sex can be a touchy topic, giving your kid a safe space to share their concerns can be so important. It’s difficult for teens to turn to somebody when a traumatic sexual situation is weighing on them, and having your support can make a huge difference.It’s important for teens to know they can be a little rude when confronted with unwanted sexual activity, but this isn’t the only place where rudeness plays a role. In the episode, Rebecca and I chat about how rudeness factors into parent-teen relationships.Why Being Rude MattersAs a parent, you’re probably used to telling your teen to stop talking back, to quit giving you sass. But Rebecca says this tendency for teens to rebel against what we ask of them can be integral to their development. They’re experimenting with expressing their own opinions and challenging what they’ve been taught–something they'll have to learn to do as they grow into adults. In this case, Rebecca says it’s necessary for teens to be rude, so they can test their own boundaries.Similarly, it can be important for parents to be a little rude to kids. If you’re having a conversation with another adult, but your kid just won’t stop bugging you, Rebecca says it’s alright to shush your kid and tell them to stop. Although it might be abrupt or a bit curt, you’re helping your kid understand boundaries, and reminding them that they’re not the center of the universe. If you’re not a little rude to them occasionally, they might grow up expecting everyone to tiptoe around them and treat them with total politeness–an expectation that doesn’t match reality.Rudeness is a difficult line to walk in your relationship with your kid, but it’s better than always pretending every interaction is a frolic through a field of daisies. If you go too far and find yourself exhibiting negative rudeness, Rebecca says to take it as an opportunity to apologize. Admitting you made a mistake and showing kids you can accept when you’re wrong sets a great example for teens who might find themselves having to do the same thing.In the Episode…Rebecca and I discuss all sorts of ways that being a little rude can improve a person’s life. In addition to the topics above, we talk about:How we raise boys to be confrontational and girls to b...

Ron Lieber, author of The Price You Pay For College and NYT Your Money columnist, clues us in on what marketing tricks your teen’s favorite colleges might be using and how to get the best deal.Full show notesWith prices skyrocketing and competition for admission growing more intense every year, applying to college can be a major source of stress for both parents and teens! It’s enormously difficult to decide which school offers the right dorms, classes, and clubs. On top of all that, you and your student have to figure out how you’re going to foot the bill.Although families have access to resources like the FAFSA and other financial aid, it can be incredibly difficult to figure out how it all works. Every school offers something different, and half the time it seems like they tack on costs out of nowhere! It can feel like you’re being hoodwinked when you're just trying to give your teen a brighter future.To get to the bottom of all the college cost craziness, we’re talking to Ron Lieber, author of The Price You Pay For College: An Entirely New Road Map for the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make. Ron is a business expert, and writes the wildly popular “Your Money” column in New York Times. His expertise about money and parenting have made a twice best-selling author!Today, he and I are discussing some questionable methods colleges use to entice students into attending. We’re also breaking down the questions teens should be asking themselves when shopping for schools, and a few key things they should be wary about when embarking on their university journey.Why You Should Question How Colleges Market ThemselvesCollege is expensive….like, really expensive. Luckily, there are few ways parents can pay, though they’re not always easy to navigate. Some students get scholarships based on merit, because they have exhibited academic skill or another impressive quality. While this may seem like a life saver, most colleges have some tricks up their sleeve when it comes to scholarships.Ron breaks down the deceptive nature of many of these merit based aid programs. While they started as a way for schools to bring smarter students to campus at a lower cost, they’ve lost their original, intended purpose, says Ron. It’s become more and more common for schools to offer them to the majority of students, often even hiking up the sticker price of tuition to make it seem as though they’re handing families a discount.In fact, there’s a billion dollar industry behind these discounts, with colleges finding the exact amount of financial aid to offer students to ensure that they attend the institution–but not a penny more. Ron and I talk about how colleges sometimes even measure how often applicants visit their websites or how quickly teens open their emails, to see how badly students want to attend. If teens seem eager to go to a particular place, schools can use this information to extract more money out of these hopeful students.In the episode, Ron gets into why all these tricky marketing schemes came into being, and ways you can get around them. When it comes to picking a school, there’s more than just the price to think about, however. In addition to talking about financial aid, Ron shares the questions he thinks every student should be asking themselves before they choose a college.Finding the College that FitsSelecting a scholarly institution is no easy task. Ron suggests that teens ask themselves what they really want out of college. He sorts students into three different categories depending on what kind of experience they prioritize. Some want to get practical knowledge, acquiring a degree or license with the main purpose of gainful employment. Others want to find their pack, the people who truly get them. Some go away to school to have a unique learning experience and expand their mind.What kids really need to do is understand what it is exactly they’re going to college for. If they have a notion locked down, they’ll know what questions to ask their tour guides. Ron puts this idea in terms of examining a college’s dorm design, something students often don’t consider. If your kid wants to meet as many people as possible, dorms with more closed off quarters are likely not the right choice. If they want to engage in a lot of quiet studying, it might be in their best interest to look into a school where dorms are more spread out.For students who are looking to learn as much as possible, Ron suggests seeking out a college with small class sizes. Research shows that these institutions have a lot of benefits, with students getting more individual attention and forming strong mentorships with their professors. Ron explains that this model works especially well for women and people of color.In the episode, Ron lays out some metrics teens can use to pit different colleges against each other when deciding where to apply to and attend. He shares how you and your teen can decide if it’s worth it to fork over extra cash for a university with a higher rate of alumni success. The college search can also be full of hidden red flags, however. In addition to things students should look for in a school, there are also things they should look out for.What to Avoid When ApplyingThere are a few things Ron believes families should be wary of when trying to settle on a university. Ron explains how a lot of colleges have a large number of adjunct professors, which are grad students or aspiring professors who don’t work at the university full time. He warns that adjunct professors may have less time for students and less dedication to the school, as their ties to the university are tenuous.Ron also emphasises the need to make sure schools champion diversity. By this he means not just diversity in race, religion, and sexual orientation, but also diversity of thought. When touring a school, he suggests asking the tour guide to recall a time they had heated discussion with someone, either in class or out of class. If the tour guide can’t recall a story, that’s a sign that the school doesn't encourage vigorous thought, and instead discourages dissent.Is your teen interested in joining a school’s honors program? Ron encourages them to be cautious. Only about 20 % of people who start college in an honors program actually remain in it until they graduate. He also warns that most honors programs show an incredible lack of diversity. While honors programs started with good intentions, they’ve become another way school’s market themselves to empty student’s pockets.There are lots of things to consider when picking a school, but Ron is here to break down and simplify the process.In the Episode…It was so enjoyable to sit down with Ron this week and shed some light on the college selection process. In addition to the topics above, we touch on:Why Ron thinks all students should take a gap yearHow you can talk to kids about college financesWhy the top 45 colleges are so sought aftezHow having the wrong roommate can seriously wreck your college experienceAlthough you and your teen might be stressed about selecting a school, there are things you can do to make the whole process easier. By understanding why your student is going to college, you'll know what to look for and how much you're willing to spend on it. See you next week!