Ep 130: Creating Confident Kids

Lydia Fenet, author of The Most Powerful Woman in the Room is You, talks about the top skills young people need to become confident, successful adults who can command any room they walk into--or at least, how they can shine in their own strength. One key? Practice failing...a lot!

Full show notes

Teenagers are inclined to worry about everything—the phones they have, the clothes they wear, the clique they belong to. They think everything they do will give others a reason to judge them. And unfortunately these insecurities prevent teens from achieving their goals. They’re so afraid of judgement and failure that they’d rather not try at all.

As a parent who was once a teen, you can’t help but empathize with them. There may have been a myriad of opportunities you’ve missed out on in your teens because you were too afraid to try them. But the lifetime of experiences you’ve had since your youth has taught you that the things you were afraid of then were miniscule in comparison to the much scarier things you’d eventually accomplish in life. It’s hard to watch your child hold themselves back from things you know they are capable of.

In this episode, Lydia Fenet, author of the book The Most Powerful Woman in the Room is You: Command an Audience and Sell Your Way to Success, offers parents advice on raising confident, successful teenagers who know how to command a room. The lead Benefit Auctioneer at Christie’s Auction House in New York City, Lydia knows exactly how it feels to be on top and how to fail! From her own personal success and challenges, Lydia has discovered the top lessons we can teach teens to set them up for success: value of a dollar, the perks of being a good loser, and the secret to successful negotiation.

Failing with Grace

Say your teen wants to audition for the school musical—as a freshman. Sure they’ve been taking singing lessons for a year, and they played elf number 3 in their Christmas play, but you’re pretty sure they aren’t going to get in. So should you just be honest with them and say “honey, I just don’t want you to get your hopes up.” Lydia says no! Discouraging your kids from trying new things, even if they end up failing, is the best way to stunt their curiosity for life.

Lydia shares how she auditioned for her boarding school choir two years but never got in. She was also on a basketball team that lost every single game for four years straight. What did she take away from all this? That losing isn’t half bad. In fact, it’s a part of life that teens should get used to. Lydia believes in encouraging kids to try new things without the pressure to excel. If they end up failing, so what? They’ll see that failing isn’t half bad. In fact, failing is just a step on their way to finding what they love. Failing is a character-building exercise for teens to become more humble and well rounded.

Shameless Plugs

Lydia believes that no one can tell you what you’re good at better than you can. That being said, she recognizes that the confidence to sell yourself to people isn’t instinctive in your teen years. Lydia discusses how in our society, we are taught to shy away from boasting about our skills and accomplishments. That anyone who goes against this is deemed arrogant or ostentatious. This particularly applies to women in the workplace, who are often taught to be meek when making salary requests.

Lydia calls for an abolishment of these self-effacing tendencies. When your teen is in an afterschool club and the advisor asks “Is there anyone who specializes in [insert skill that they happen to kick ass in]?”, they should be the first to raise their hand. Why? Because the early bird gets the worm. Being too humble can get in the way of countless opportunities. The pick of the litter doesn’t go to the person who’s most capable. It goes to the person who’s most willing to put themselves out there. Lydia urges parents to teach their teens to freely share what makes them special. To tell people “Yes, I am the 1st string wide receiver on the varsity football team. Yes, I am taking 4 AP classes. Yes, I am fluent in two languages.”

It’s not bragging, it’s sharing what they’re most proud of. And doing so can bring them opportunities they’d never imagine. Your teen has worked too hard at building their college resume to not take advantage of opportunities to flex their skills. It doesn’t make them a show off or attention hog. It makes them a valuable asset to whatever club, team, or person they’re offering their skills to.

You Are What You Negotiate

Lydia encourages parents to teach teens about finances and money at an early age. Lydia does this with her own teens by pointing out costs at the grocery store and encouraging them to save up for items they really want. The point is to show her kids that everything in this world costs money. If teens never have to work for what they want because their parents will just buy it for them, they’ll never fully comprehend the value of a dollar.

Lydia resents people's tendency to undervalue themselves when asking for a raise. She particularly resents that the gender wage gap exists partially because women are taught to be apologetic when asking for raises. This apologetic mindset is programmed at an early age and can be prevented when parents intervene. Lydia insists that parents of teenage girls teach them to be confident when asking for things. When you teach your daughters to be thoroughly prepared and unemotional going into a negotiation, you’ve raised their chances of getting the wage they deserve.

To drive this point home, Lydia shares a story of when she started an auction bid at $100,000. Nobody in the room responded to the starting bid and she was absolutely mortified. But instead letting her insecurities affect her, Lydia improvised by saying “A girls gotta ask.” She was able to get a chuckle out of the audience and resume the auction unphased. The takeaway from this tale is that embarrassment and failure are never as bad as you think it’ll be. If you prepare your teens for the awkward and unsuccessful moments that’ll inevitably happen in life, they’ll be more willing to put themselves out there. Gracefully dealing with these misfortunes will bring them more confidence and urge them to dive into new pursuits fearlessly.

In the Episode...

I had a wonderful time speaking with the extraordinarily charismatic Lydia Fenet for this week's episode. Her experience rising in the ranks to become the busiest auctioneer in America is inspiring for adults and teens alike. I truly appreciated her willingness to share insightful tips on raising teens that are confident, capable, and independent.

In this week's episode we also discuss…

• Public Speaking and Building an Onstage Persona
• How to Slide into the DMs of Important People
• How to Have a Memorable and Successful Job Interview
• Fighting Stage Fright
• Tips for Effective Networking

Thank you Lydia for taking time away from your busy schedule to offer insightful advice for parents. Please enjoy as you learn how to raise your teens confidence and teach them to command a room.