Dr. Anita Collins, music educator and author of The Music Advantage, explains the surprising and long-lasting positive effects of music on the teen brain. Your teen doesn’t have to be a prodigy to benefit from picking up an instrument!Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesIf you feel like your child isn’t living up to their full potential because they get distracted too easily or lose focus of their own goals, just imagine how hard it will be for them to complete important tasks as adults when their responsibilities lie outside of their personal interests. Today, teens have so much going on in their lives that it can be difficult to commit to tasks that they’re not particularly passionate about: maintaining good grades for college admissions, managing chores, and consistently showing up for work. Fortunately, there are ways to help your teen develop discipline in their life.It’s great if your teen has a personal hobby that helps them develop a routine. Activities like sports, scouting, and working on art are all great ways to inspire your teen to regularly follow up with their interests. However, as they begin to take on more time-consuming responsibilities, some of their hobbies might fall to the wayside, and they can start to falter in keeping up with more mundane, yet necessary tasks. Teens that haven’t practiced discipline might start to take detrimental shortcuts on homework when the assignment is too difficult or delay submitting applications when they can’t rely on pure interest. If this behavior continues to develop into a pattern, teens may find themselves without the stamina to sustain themselves through higher education or when they enter the workforce.That’s exactly what I talk about in this week’s podcast episode with Dr. Anita Collins, author of her new book, The Music Advantage: How Music Helps Your Child Develop, Learn, and Thrive. Dr. Collins serves as an award-winning educator, researcher, and writer in the field of brain development and music learning at both the University of Canberra and the University of Melbourne. She’s also written one of the most watched Ted education films ever made, “How Playing an Instrument Benefits Your Brain,” and conducted research about how practicing an instrument can help young adults implement lasting changes in their brain, making her exactly the right person to talk to about developing discipline for teens.Self-Discipline That LastsIn our interview, we talk about Dr. Collins’ neurological approach to helping teens develop discipline through music. While you’ll have to tune in to the full podcast to hear the extent of her research, one aspect of playing an instrument that helps teens develop discipline on a neurological level is practice.Perhaps the most apparent link between developing decision-making skills and playing an instrument is the dedication required to master one. But before we get into how practicing a musical instrument can help change your teenager’s brain structure, it’s important for you to know that it is in fact possible to get your teen to stick to their goals, pick up their trombone, and, well ... practice!Throughout the years that Dr. Collin’s has worked with teens and young adults, she’s gathered a few tactics that parents can use to help motivate their children to consistently pick up their instruments:Designating a specific time period for your teen to practiceWhether it’s for 20 minutes before school every day or for an hour after soccer practice on Fridays, having a designated time period every week dedicated to practicing music can help your teen internalize their mental preparation. If their body adjusts to a regular schedule to play music, then they’re more likely to revisit the task because they both mentally and physically expect to be playing music. Dr. Collins says you can help clue your kids to practice by letting them know that there are “20 minutes till dinner,” automatically setting a clock for them to make some time.Using a literal timer to help limit your teen’s practice anxiety.Sometimes teens face anxiety about completing their tasks because they think they might take a long time. When kids do homework for hours on end, it can be daunting to constantly revisit another task that you feel like you need to get better at. However, this can be frustrating for beginners who feel like they haven’t progressed and might get discouraged or stuck trying to improve until they notice a difference. Setting a timer for playing an instrument can cut through some of the anxiety around mastery, and you can reassure them that over time, they’ll start to notice a difference.Using the idea of a social environment as a stick/carrot incentive.One aspect about playing an instrument that teens can relate to doing well in homework, getting into a good college, or succeeding at work is the social quality. When playing an instrument, there are many social settings that your teen might be either required or tempted to participate in. For example, you might consider enrolling your child in community lessons at the local music center or having them take band class as an elective. In this case, they might be motivated because they know that other people are depending on them to do well. On the other hand, your teen might want to practice at home so that they’re good enough to perform at a talent show or at parties. If they have to play in front of an audience at a recital or in front of friends, they might start to realize that practicing consistently will produce some kind of payoff.  In any case, you can get your teen to consistently practice by asking the question, “How well do you want to do when you play in front of others?”Give your teen the power to choose when they practice.Dr. Collins says that sometimes all teens want is to make their own decisions. This is particularly wise because it helps teens feel independent while reinforcing the impact of their decision-making skills. One way you can do this, according to Anita, is by striking a compromise with your teen. “You have to play for 5 hours every week, but you get to decide when those hours are. At the end of the week, we’ll check in and see how you did.” This approach can help teens realize that playing their instrument for five hours on Friday night might not be the best approach. They’ll get tired halfway through practice and realize that it’s easier to break into more manageable pieces like any other responsibility likely to come their way. This is how your teen establishes habits that allow them to maintain a routine even after they stop playing their instrument. Because they’ve had experience with negative consequences from failing to practice, increasingly positive payoff from adhering to long-term development, and managing time commitment among their other responsibilities, teens will be able to convert responsibility into habit through practice.The Neurology of Learning an InstrumentBut wait, how is it that playing an instrument is going to help your teenager stay focused on other tasks? Just because they’ve practiced playing an instrument, it doesn’t mean they’re going to be able to stay focused when doing their homework, right? One is loud and noisy and takes your full concentration, whereas the other is an internal process. We...

Lisa Cron, author of the new book Story or Die, shows us how to use and create powerful stories that can drive teens to change their bad behavior without you even asking. Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesOften as parents we think telling our teen the facts about texting and driving or vaping will show them that they need to change their behavior. The danger is so clear! When we are in the same room or car as our teen, they may go along with us, but spewing facts at someone rarely causes a person to affect long-term changes to their behavior. But how exactly can you persuade your teen to change for the better if they reject facts? The answer is simple: tell a story.We are affected by stories every moment of the day. In fact, our brains are wired to create narratives about the world and our own lives. Rarely do objective facts persuade as strongly as an emotionally engaging story. But telling a story properly is another matter.Fortunately this week, story-crafting expert Lisa Cron, is ready to help us learn how to spin a tale. Cron is an accomplished writer, literary agent, and TV producer. She’s the author of the new book Story or Die: How to Use Brain Science to Engage, Persuade, and Change Minds in Business and in Life. Cron believes that to make what you say impactful, you have to switch from using facts to telling an engaging emotional story. In today's episode, Cron shares useful advice on how to get your teens to obey your wishes and see your perspective by changing the way you share information with them.Don’t Face the FactsCron expresses that more logically minded parents may think that giving their teens the cold hard facts will convince them that they’re right about something. She shares that there are four different types of facts: warning, validating, conflicting, and neutral. But regardless of what type of fact you use with them, none will work in a fundamental disagreement with your teen.Say your 17-year-old teen thinks that going to a college party isn’t a big deal. They say “I’ll be responsible, I won't do anything reckless, I promise to be home at 1am.” You know that regardless of what they say, it’s just not a good idea. So you give your teen a warning fact: “Lots of assault goes on at college parties.” They say they’ll be on alert for dangerous people. You tell them a neutral fact : ”Underage drinking is illegal.” They say they won’t drink—yah right! Face it, they have an excuse for every fact you bring up and nothing you say is going to get through to them.Cron says that when you bring up points that go directly against what a teenager believes, they’re biologically programmed to see it as a personal attack. This is called confirmation bias.It derives from basic human survival tactics. People used to form tribes of like minded individuals because it would keep them safe. So when we are confronted by facts that oppose our beliefs, we view it as potentially dangerous. Cron explains that our brain's primary function is to take care of the body. When we are psychologically attacked, our bodies are triggered and we shut down. So rather than insisting we’re right, parents need to focus on empathizing with their teens.Get EmotionalPeople say decisions should be made void of emotion. Cron says that this is impossible because nothing ever happens to us that’s not accompanied by emotions. In actuality, we make decisions based on how a rational analysis of something made us feel. Memories are really just past recordings of emotions that exist in our brains to help us remember things. Recall that one time when you lost your keys, scoured your whole house to find it, and ended up being thirty minutes late to an important meeting? You didn’t remember where your keys were because you had no emotional attachment to the random dish you left them in. You might have remembered where you put them if you make up a kooky song about putting it in the same place every day.No one will remember something you told them if they have no connection to it. So in order to get teens to remember a lesson or chore they need to do, parents must tie it to an emotion. You need to see from your teens perspective how your command is affecting them. Is it helping or hurting them? What emotion is it pulling out of them? Tell them a story of why doing what you ask of them will have a positive effect on them. If they happen to be boy crazy, and you’re trying to get them to cook dinner, tell them how you got your spouse to fall in love with you by cooking their favorite meal. If they’d rather hang out with their friends than babysit their younger brother, tell them how a night in with your brother led you on an adventurous scavenger hunt through your neighborhood.What if you don’t want to share the many embarrassing or inappropriate stories from your youth? Cron insists you should. According to her, the best way to add emotion and create a powerful story is to admit mistakes. Teenagers generally don’t want to listen to parents who think they’re perfect and know better. So share a tale of when you’ve made stupid decisions or gotten yourself into sticky situations. As an author, Cron believes that readers find flawless characters to be inauthentic and boring. What people are actually drawn to is vulnerability. So when you’re crafting a cautionary tale to warn your teen of the dangers of texting and driving, don’t be afraid to tell them about the time you did so and ended up getting a $400 ticket. This’ll show them that parents are not perfect. They make the same silly (and costly) mistakes that teens do. The thing we are most afraid of telling our teens may actually be what gets through to them the most.Aha MomentCron says that every story must have an aha moment. A point when you realize the thing you need to do is worth the cost you’re giving up. These moments should be crafted around what you specifically want your teen to take away from the story. If you’re telling them a story because you want them to quit a nasty habit of theirs, they need to have a subjective reason for quitting. Because nobody makes a change for no reason. They change because life has taught them that there is a better way of doing things. You must find your teens motivations for doing whatever it is that’s bothering you and create a greater incentive for them to do it your way.In this episode we discuss….Determining Your Call to Action in a StoryWhy Saying “Go to Your Room and Think About What You’ve Done" Never WorksUnderstanding Teenagers Motivations for MisbehavingHow to Get Your Teen to Stop Texting and DrivingThis week's episode with Lisa Cron was exceptionally eye-opening and insightful. I walked away with a greater understanding of how to get through to teenagers and I hope you do too! Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.

Dr. Joshua Coleman, author of Rules of Estrangement and When Parents Hurt, offers insight on how to repair fractured relationships. Plus, why parental estrangement is becoming increasingly common and what we can do to prevent it in the first place.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesAfter all the blood, sweat, and tears of raising a kid, any parent would want a good relationship with a son or daughter that’s reached adulthood. But sometimes, conflicts that start small during the teenage years grow more intense, and parent-child relationships are ruined by resentment. Many parents find themselves painfully estranged from their grown children after they’ve left the nest. The sad part is, these rifts could have been mended before teens grew into adults, if only parents knew the right approach.Oftentimes, parents do attempt to remedy deep conflicts with teens, but they go about it in the wrong way. Although they have the kid’s best interest at heart, they find themselves using defensive language, or fail to truly empathize with their children. If you want to keep your kids from distancing themselves as adults, you’ll have to really connect and hash things out from the heart.To teach us how to overcome bad blood between ourselves and our teens, we’re talking to Joshua Coleman, author of Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict. Joshua became estranged from his own daughter when he went through a difficult divorce. It became worse when he remarried and had kids with his new wife.He was eventually able to reconnect with his daughter, but the pain of the experience was unforgettable. He decided to dedicate his efforts to researching parent-child estrangement, becoming an expert. He now hosts weekly Q&A’s and writes a regular newsletter on the subject, along with publishing several books about it.So what can Joshua teach us about healing our relationships with our teens? In our interview, he talks about how part of the reason why kids distance themselves is a change in culture. We also talk about how your co-parent can push kids away from you, and how you can begin to breach the divide even when it seems like you’ll never get your kid back.The Significance of Cultural ChangesMany of us think that kids should always remain grateful and loyal to their parents, because that’s the way we were raised. We were taught that family is an indispensable part of life, a duty that follows you forever. However, with millennials and generation z facing a more troubled economy, a tougher job market and a higher price of living, they’ve had to become more focused on their own survival. Jonathan and I discuss how this has led to an overall shift towards an individualistic mindset instead of a collective, family based lifestyle.There’s been a stronger focus on mental health in recent years as well, with more people than ever before entering into psychotherapy. Young folks are significantly more likely than older generations to think deeply and critically about the effects of their upbringing on their wellbeing. This leads to more young adults justifying anger towards the ones who raised them.As a mother or father, this can be incredibly frustrating. It’s not as if parents have become less attentive or careful. In fact, Joshua has found that parents nowadays are more doting towards kids than ever before. However, this can actually lead kids to want to distance themselves even more. If kids have always felt as though they were under a microscope, they’re likely to strive more intensely for individualism, pushing parents away in the process.Joshua and I talk further in the episode about cultural changes that have led to more conflict between kids and parents. In addition to cultural changes, this alienation can also be caused by one parent poisoning the image of the other in the child’s mind.When Parents Put Each Other DownFor some kids, especially when divorce is involved, a kid’s anger towards a parent might be fueled by the other parent. When things are complicated between co-parents, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of dissing the other person when the kid is in earshot. Even when a parent isn’t actively trying to paint the other as a bad person, it can happen as a result of a fight or feud between the two of you.Joshua stresses the importance of remaining grounded and affectionate toward your co-parent, at least in front of your child. Talking bad about the other person isn’t going to help your relationship with your kid. Even if your co-parent is constantly throwing you under the bus, kids need at least one parent to remain stable and keep things collected.So if your co-parent is rocking the boat by filling your child’s mind with bad notions about you, what can you do to keep your kid from turning against you? Joshua suggests challenging your kid to think critically about the comments being made in an attempt to tarnish your image. He also suggests listening to the concerns your kid may have now that you’ve been criticized, and empathize with them to understand where you might be misstepping as a parent.Empathy actually plays a big role in reconnecting with a kid. Joshua and I get into this in the episode.Listening and EmpathizingWhen your kid is pushing you away, citing every choice of yours as a reason for distancing themselves, it’s pretty darn tempting to get defensive. It’s incredibly frustrating when kids don’t understand that you’re trying your best. Despite the frustration, however, Joshua emphasizes the value of coming from a place of understanding when trying to bridge the gap with your kid.Joshua uses a story about his work with paranoid schizophrenics to explain how you should speak to a teen who’s hurt. Joshua found that if he made schizophrenic patients feel as if their delusions were ridiculous, he couldn't get through to them at all. In order to truly help them, he had to validate their beliefs, and understand where they were coming from. Only then was he able to prompt them to question their illogical beliefs.Even if you think your kid is throwing baseless accusations at you, Joshua believes it’s imperative that you find a kernel of truth in what they’re saying. Making kids feel selfish or mean will simply turn them off from working towards unity. Using phrases like, “I’m open to hearing your thoughts and feelings” or “I want to be better going forward” can help you make progress towards finding peace with one another.In the episode, Joshua goes over two examples of letters from parents trying to make amends. Although the two examples are similar, one comes off as defensive and blames the child, while the other conveys understanding and respect for the child’s feelings. We discuss this empathetic approach in depth, explaining how you can lead with kindness instead of bitterness when patching up broken bonds with your teenager.In the Episode….Joshua speaks from the heart in this week's episode, making for a moving interview and great advice for parents who might be grappling with reconnecting to teens. In addition to the topics discussed above, we talk about:

Michelle Icard, author of the new book Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen, joins us to chat about the most important discussions to have with young people these days. We’ll also cover how to make them go smoothly and what parents can do to minimize awkwardness (and arguments) in the process!Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesSay you’ve got a touchy topic you want to approach your teen about–maybe you found a vape in their room! You know that the moment you bring it up, your teen will explode and slam the door in your face. Or, even if you are able to sit down and have a real discussion, you’re worried they’ll ask you a question you don’t know the answer to...and you’ll be caught like a deer in headlights! You might be so stressed about the conversation that you just don’t bring your concerns up at all.Avoiding these tricky talks can be tempting, but ignoring them can have serious consequences. If no one walks a teen through complicated subjects like consent, drug use or self esteem, teens might not know what to do when they get themselves into real trouble. Opening up a line of communication with your teen can help them navigate the murky waters of adolescence, and help you rest easy knowing they’re not keeping secrets from you.To figure out how you can approach uncomfortable discussions with your teen, we’re talking to Michelle Icard, author of Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School. Michelle is a member of the Today Show Parenting Team, and has been featured in the Washington Post, Time, People Magazine, and more.In our interview today we’re going over Michelle’s BRIEF model for tough conversations. Yes, this does mean keeping talks with teens short, but the acronym illuminates a super effective set of steps to ease into difficult discussions with kids. Michelle and I also break down how you can confront teens about independence, social media, healthy eating, dating, and more!Michelle’s BRIEF Conversation ModelStarting a conversation with a teenager can be remarkably intimidating, but Michelle’s got it down to a science. She’s gathered the essential steps of having serious talks with teens and combined them into an acronym: BRIEF. In the episode, Michelle and I go through each and every step and explain how you can incorporate them the next time you have to strike up an uncomfortable chat with a teen.The B in BRIEF stands for beginning peacefully. This diplomatic approach is a huge part of bridging the communication gap between you and your teen. It’s easy to freak out when you discover that they have a secret boyfriend or are hiding symptoms of an eating disorder. But if you come out right away with prescriptive or punitive measures, you’ll likely scare your kid off and cause them to shut down. Michelle’s method champions a calm, collected start to the conversation.This can mean kicking off talks off with gentle, general questions that don’t include your teen. For example, if you’re worried that your teen may have started smoking weed, you could casually ask what they think about the current rise in legalization or inquire if it’s something they’d ever consider trying. You could discuss the possible side effects of hypothetically partaking in marijuana use. This non-confrontational tone will keep kids from feeling attacked or judged, giving them an open forum to communicate instead.In our interview, Michelle and I go over the other four steps of the BRIEF method: relating to teens, interviewing for data, echoing your kid, and finally, feedback. This method works for delving into any topic...even complicated subjects like social media and dating.Discussing Social Media With TeensIf you didn’t grow up with social media, it can seem pretty unnecessary–or even alarming. When teens are obsessed with joining Tik Tok and posting on Instagram, it’s normal to be worried that they’ll become addicted or post risque stuff without you knowing. However, Michelle argues that social media can be a great tool for passion and creativity. In the episode, she shares an anecdote about her own daughter creating a fun Hunger Games fan page and getting a shout out from one of the franchise’s actors!If you want teens to be able to have a fulfilling experience online instead of an unhealthy one, Michelle says the key is to sit down and have conversations about it. Social media is a tool that can be useful, or dangerous...just like a buzz saw. And like a buzz saw, you wouldn’t want someone to start using social media if they didn’t know how to operate it safely. Having non judgemental, open talks with teens about what’s too inappropriate to post on Twitter can make a monumental difference.Even after you have thorough dialogue with your teen about social media, you might find that they defy the rules you set. Michelle reminds parents to stay calm and collected, beginning with that peaceful approach. In the episode, we break down how and when to start discussing social media sites with teens. Stepping off the web and into real life, there’s another essential, but awkward discussion you’ll have to have with teens: dating.Having the Dating ConversationEvery parent knows that at some point, they’re going to have to get into a talk with teens about the birds and the bees. It’s inevitable for teens to start crushing on classmates and feeling flirty, so it can be very valuable to talk to them about the ins and outs of relationships, sex and courtship. Michelle’s advice? Start young. If you can have these conversations early and often, you can prevent teens from falling into heartbreak or worse, being pressured into something they don’t want to do.Interestingly, Michelle also recommends not imposing too many limits on teens who are inclined to engage in dating. She explains that parents often want to place kids under a dating age restriction, but that young relationships can actually help kids test the waters and understand what they truly want out of a romantic encounter. Most of the time, these courtships are nothing sexual or serious, but instead just attempts by teens to feel validated and wanted.So should you be afraid to let kid go alone to the mall with their new beau? Michelle says that it can actually be better for two teens who are dating to hang out alone, instead of with a huge gang of people. Oftentimes, big groups can pressure “couples” to do things they might not be comfortable with. When kids are hanging out just the two of them they’re much more likely to be themselves, and not do anything too drastic, says Michelle in our interview.In the Episode….Michelle’s experience talking to parents around the world shines through in her savvy takes on tricky topics. In addition to the subjects mentioned above, we cover:How creating boundaries with teens can actually create stronger bondsWhy teen’s process emotions differently than adultsHow to ditch passive aggression in favor of open communicationWhat to say to encourage teens to eat healthyHow you can help kids naturally become more independentAlthough it’s hard to strike up serious conversations with teens, Michelle teaches us how to have pr...

Roy F. Baumeister, PhD, bestselling author of Willpower and The Power of Bad, helps us understand our tendency to focus on the negatives and why it’s not all bad. Not winning “the best parent” awards? Turns out that’s not what matters for a successful teen.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesWhen teens find out their friends are hanging out without them, or they didn’t get a part in the school play, they suddenly act like it’s the end of the world! No matter how hard you try to convince them that it’s really not a big deal and that there will be other opportunities in the future, they just can’t seem to get over it. Then, even when they appear to be back to their usual self for a while, it seems like every week something new goes wrong. They just can’t stop making mountains out of molehills!This focus on the negative expands just past dramatic teens–you might notice it in your own experiences. Even when you have ten positive interactions with your coworkers, it’s always the one that goes badly that plays over and over in your mind when you’re trying to sleep at night. You may find yourself scrutinizing your own parenting the same way, thinking about a single mistake even when you usually knock it out of the park.To understand our preoccupation with the unfortunate, we’re talking to Dr. Roy Baumeister, author of The Power of Bad: How the Negativity Effect Rules Us and How We Can Rule It. After his research paper about the human obsession with bad events garnered a remarkable amount of citations, he decided to sit down and write a book about why people tend to think too much about the things that go wrong.Dr. Baumeister and I dive into why negative experiences feel so much more significant than positive ones. We also talk about how to dole out bad news and criticism, and the mind’s peculiar reaction to social rejection.Why We Obsess Over the BadWhen our ancestors were foraging through the forest, they weren’t focused on how nice the sun felt or the beauty of the sunset–they were trying not to die! They were much more likely to take note of events like sudden illness or bad weather because these things may have cost them their life if not addressed. Individuals who were able to concentrate on the negative likely lived longer than those who were caught up in pleasures, leading our modern minds to become preoccupied with negative events.This explains why our current culture seems to be so infatuated with doom and gloom. Our 24 hour news cycle blasts us with info about impending threats and nightmare scenarios. We obsess over the most frightening possible existential threats because our minds are just trying to help us stay alive. It's the same reason we have so many more words to describe misery and despair. Dr. Baumeister and I talk about how words like “trauma” have no positive equivalent.These evolutionary forces are also the reason why teenagers act so melodramatic. Whether it’s conscious or subconscious, they’re preparing to take on the world on their own. They’re deeply affected by bad experiences because deep down, they’re in the process of gaging their chances of survival.As a species, we consider fitting in as an important part of these survival tactics. When we can roll with the pack, we're better prepared against the dark forces we’re so focused on. If we find ourselves not fitting in, however, our body has a curious reaction.The Strange Effect of Social RejectionSince we tend to focus too much on negative events, it seems likely that experiencing social rejection might cause us an immense amount of emotional pain. However, Dr. Baumeister discusses how his research actually demonstrates otherwise. When we’re not invited to a party or turned down for a date, we’re not likely to feel upset but instead, numb.Dr. Baumeister explains that this is also likely a result of evolution. If we were, say, being chased by a tiger in the jungle, we might momentarily hurt ourselves tripping and falling. Instead of letting that pain hold us back, our body releases chemicals that numb the pain, so we can stay alive longer. Although the threat of tigers has diminished, our survival instinct remains, especially within our social spheres. The pain of social rejection hits hard, so our body starts out by removing feelings altogether, says Dr. Baumeister.Because rejection causes our feelings to subside, humans experiencing a lack of belonging are also more likely to lack empathy. As a result, social rejection actually makes us unpredictably aggressive. Those facing the burn of not being included are much more inclined to lash out against those around them. This is why teens, constantly entrenched in the socially ruthless environment of high school, might scream insults and slam the door in your face.It’s easy for parents to fall into this same trap. In the episode, Dr. Baumeister and I discuss how you can work through this urge to lash out with your teen. When it comes to negativity, you might also struggle to tell teens bad news or put punitive measures in place. In the interview we talk about how you can introduce these not-so-positive parts of parenting.Getting into the Necessary NegativesEven though we sometimes wish everything was perfectly peachy, life isn’t a bouquet of roses. Sometimes you’ve got to deliver bad news or dole out some punishment. Dr. Baumeister and I talk through how you can handle all these unpleasant but unavoidable tasks.When we have some unfortunate news to impart, we often adopt a “sandwich” approach, delivering good news first, then bad news, and then good news again. However, Dr. Baumeister discredits the effectiveness of this method. He says this concept emerged as a way to postpone delivering bad news, but doesn’t make dreadful information any easier for the listener to stomach. Instead, he suggests sharing bad news first, and then the good. Our minds crave relief after receiving a load of unpleasant info.Do you often find punishment hard? Well, you should still consider it an important option, says Dr. Baumeister. In his studies, he’s found that punishment is much more effective than positive reinforcement at motivating individuals. You can entice someone with a reward for meeting a standard, but it will work much better if you threaten to take something away, Dr. Baumeister explains. Therefore, you shouldn’t be afraid to punish kids who are out of line.For example if a kid is struggling to get good grades, it’s typical to offer them some cash for every A or B. However, it might be wiser to give them that cash up front, and let them know that for every C or D, they’ll have money taken away. This method has been proven to work with factory employees, young kids, and even teachers.In the Episode…Dr. Baumeister’s many years of research make for a riveting interview this week. In addition to the topics above we talk about:Why you shouldn’t scrutinize your own parenting too muchThe significance of “bad apples” in a group of peopleHow social media can be a positive forceWhy we always think the past is better than the presentHow we often create too much fear around vapi...

Rebecca Reid, journalist and author of Rude, sheds light on the surprising positives to rudeness and how we could all get a bit more rude without offending anyone!Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesIt’s easy to get caught up worrying about your kid behaving rudely when you’re not around. You might be picturing them going to the neighbor's house and asking for food they weren’t offered, forgetting to say please and thank you, and causing a huge mess without cleaning it up. No one wants a kid with no manners, so we tend to push politeness onto kids with a fervor. We often try so hard to keep kids from being rude that we force them to swing too far in the other direction, towards being overly courteous, saying “sorry” for everything and letting others walk all over them.When we teach our kids to be apologetic, we can do more harm than good. Raising an overly submissive teen can mean that they’re not comfortable raising their hand in the classroom, advocating for themselves in a job interview or even saying no to an unwanted sexual encounter. If we want to raise happy and healthy teens, we have to teach them to be firm, honest, comfortable...and maybe even a little rude.Today we’re sitting down to chat with Rebecca Reid, author of Rude: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Bold. Rebecca is a regular columnist for Marie Clare, the Guardian, the Telegraph, and more. She also makes regular appearances on Good Morning Britain, where she contributes to conversations about political and social issues.Rebecca has been known to be assertive and firm in her convictions...but has always found herself apologizing a little too much. She started to notice that a lot of her submissiveness was caused by how she was conditioned to act as a woman! That’s why she decided to write her book, to help young people, especially girls, understand when it’s ok to be a little impolite and express their true feelings.In our discussion, she breaks down the difference between positive and negative rudeness, the ways in which we can teach kids to understand consent, and how rudeness plays into the parent-teen relationship.The Right Kind of RudeWhen we hear the word “rude”, we think about everything we don’t want our kids to be. We might conjure up images of people chewing with their mouths open, or loudly interrupting somebody with no regard for this current conversation. When Rebecca talks about raising kids to be a little rude, this isn’t quite what she means.Rebecca divides rude behavior into positive and negative. Negative rudeness is what you might think when you think of being rude: using vulgar language, cutting someone in line, or insulting someone’s new haircut. Positive rudeness is all about making things a little uncomfortable when needed. If someone’s exhibiting positive rudeness, they alert the waiter when they’re given the wrong order, or tell someone honestly that they’re not interested in going on a date.In our interview, I talk with Rebecca about how young people, especially girls, have been conditioned to put other people’s feelings before their own. While it can be good to teach kids the importance of being considerate, Rebecca believes we shouldn’t stop there. She says we should also help them understand when it’s appropriate to speak up and communicate their feelings and desires.Take, for example, the difference between saying “sorry” and “thank you”. When we’re late, we tend to apologize, when our true intention is to show that we appreciate the other person waiting for us. We’ve grown so used to saying “sorry” for every small mistake, putting ourselves down unnecessarily. Rebecca explains how it’s ok to not apologize, even when our conditioning makes us feel we have to.A huge part of discussing communication and assertiveness among young people is the idea of helping them stop an unwanted sexual encounter. Rebecca and I delve into this in the episode.Helping Teens Understand ConsentTalking to kids about sex is pretty much always awkward...how could it not be? However, if we totally neglect to talk to kids about the birds and the bees, they might not go into it with the right mindset. They might feel like they need to cave to pressure, or may not know the signs that their partner is feeling pressured.Rebecca and I talk about how this relates to rudeness–that is, making things uncomfortable for the sake of one’s own well being. It might not be the most agreeable thing to say “no” when someone asks for sex, but it’s the right thing for teens to do if they’re not ready to consent.If you want to teach your kid about bodily autonomy, Rebecca says you can start by simply reminding them that they don’t have to do anything they aren’t comfortable with. She suggests explaining to them that if someone is tickling them or tossing them in the air, they can ask for it to to stop. If they don’t want to kiss or hug family members or friends, it can be really valuable to reassure them that they don’t have to.Similarly, Rebecca suggests creating an environment in your home where teens can come to you if they’ve had a sexual experience they aren’t sure about. Even though sex can be a touchy topic, giving your kid a safe space to share their concerns can be so important. It’s difficult for teens to turn to somebody when a traumatic sexual situation is weighing on them, and having your support can make a huge difference.It’s important for teens to know they can be a little rude when confronted with unwanted sexual activity, but this isn’t the only place where rudeness plays a role. In the episode, Rebecca and I chat about how rudeness factors into parent-teen relationships.Why Being Rude MattersAs a parent, you’re probably used to telling your teen to stop talking back, to quit giving you sass. But Rebecca says this tendency for teens to rebel against what we ask of them can be integral to their development. They’re experimenting with expressing their own opinions and challenging what they’ve been taught–something they'll have to learn to do as they grow into adults. In this case, Rebecca says it’s necessary for teens to be rude, so they can test their own boundaries.Similarly, it can be important for parents to be a little rude to kids. If you’re having a conversation with another adult, but your kid just won’t stop bugging you, Rebecca says it’s alright to shush your kid and tell them to stop. Although it might be abrupt or a bit curt, you’re helping your kid understand boundaries, and reminding them that they’re not the center of the universe. If you’re not a little rude to them occasionally, they might grow up expecting everyone to tiptoe around them and treat them with total politeness–an expectation that doesn’t match reality.Rudeness is a difficult line to walk in your relationship with your kid, but it’s better than always pretending every interaction is a frolic through a field of daisies. If you go too far and find yourself exhibiting negative rudeness, Rebecca says to take it as an opportunity to apologize. Admitting you made a mistake and showing kids you can accept when you’re wrong sets a great example for teens who might find themselves having to do the same thing.In the Episode…...

Ron Lieber, author of The Price You Pay For College and NYT Your Money columnist, clues us in on what marketing tricks your teen’s favorite colleges might be using and how to get the best deal.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesWith prices skyrocketing and competition for admission growing more intense every year, applying to college can be a major source of stress for both parents and teens! It’s enormously difficult to decide which school offers the right dorms, classes, and clubs. On top of all that, you and your student have to figure out how you’re going to foot the bill.Although families have access to resources like the FAFSA and other financial aid, it can be incredibly difficult to figure out how it all works. Every school offers something different, and half the time it seems like they tack on costs out of nowhere! It can feel like you’re being hoodwinked when you're just trying to give your teen a brighter future.To get to the bottom of all the college cost craziness, we’re talking to Ron Lieber, author of The Price You Pay For College: An Entirely New Road Map for the Biggest Financial Decision Your Family Will Ever Make. Ron is a business expert, and writes the wildly popular “Your Money” column in New York Times. His expertise about money and parenting have made a twice best-selling author!Today, he and I are discussing some questionable methods colleges use to entice students into attending. We’re also breaking down the questions teens should be asking themselves when shopping for schools, and a few key things they should be wary about when embarking on their university journey.Why You Should Question How Colleges Market ThemselvesCollege is expensive….like, really expensive. Luckily, there are few ways parents can pay, though they’re not always easy to navigate. Some students get scholarships based on merit, because they have exhibited academic skill or another impressive quality. While this may seem like a life saver, most colleges have some tricks up their sleeve when it comes to scholarships.Ron breaks down the deceptive nature of many of these merit based aid programs. While they started as a way for schools to bring smarter students to campus at a lower cost, they’ve lost their original, intended purpose, says Ron. It’s become more and more common for schools to offer them to the majority of students, often even hiking up the sticker price of tuition to make it seem as though they’re handing families a discount.In fact, there’s a billion dollar industry behind these discounts, with colleges finding the exact amount of financial aid to offer students to ensure that they attend the institution–but not a penny more. Ron and I talk about how colleges sometimes even measure how often applicants visit their websites or how quickly teens open their emails, to see how badly students want to attend. If teens seem eager to go to a particular place, schools can use this information to extract more money out of these hopeful students.In the episode, Ron gets into why all these tricky marketing schemes came into being, and ways you can get around them. When it comes to picking a school, there’s more than just the price to think about, however. In addition to talking about financial aid, Ron shares the questions he thinks every student should be asking themselves before they choose a college.Finding the College that FitsSelecting a scholarly institution is no easy task. Ron suggests that teens ask themselves what they really want out of college. He sorts students into three different categories depending on what kind of experience they prioritize. Some want to get practical knowledge, acquiring a degree or license with the main purpose of gainful employment. Others want to find their pack, the people who truly get them. Some go away to school to have a unique learning experience and expand their mind.What kids really need to do is understand what it is exactly they’re going to college for. If they have a notion locked down, they’ll know what questions to ask their tour guides. Ron puts this idea in terms of examining a college’s dorm design, something students often don’t consider. If your kid wants to meet as many people as possible, dorms with more closed off quarters are likely not the right choice. If they want to engage in a lot of quiet studying, it might be in their best interest to look into a school where dorms are more spread out.For students who are looking to learn as much as possible, Ron suggests seeking out a college with small class sizes. Research shows that these institutions have a lot of benefits, with students getting more individual attention and forming strong mentorships with their professors. Ron explains that this model works especially well for women and people of color.In the episode, Ron lays out some metrics teens can use to pit different colleges against each other when deciding where to apply to and attend. He shares how you and your teen can decide if it’s worth it to fork over extra cash for a university with a higher rate of alumni success. The college search can also be full of hidden red flags, however. In addition to things students should look for in a school, there are also things they should look out for.What to Avoid When ApplyingThere are a few things Ron believes families should be wary of when trying to settle on a university. Ron explains how a lot of colleges have a large number of adjunct professors, which are grad students or aspiring professors who don’t work at the university full time. He warns that adjunct professors may have less time for students and less dedication to the school, as their ties to the university are tenuous.Ron also emphasises the need to make sure schools champion diversity. By this he means not just diversity in race, religion, and sexual orientation, but also diversity of thought. When touring a school, he suggests asking the tour guide to recall a time they had heated discussion with someone, either in class or out of class. If the tour guide can’t recall a story, that’s a sign that the school doesn't encourage vigorous thought, and instead discourages dissent.Is your teen interested in joining a school’s honors program? Ron encourages them to be cautious. Only about 20 % of people who start college in an honors program actually remain in it until they graduate. He also warns that most honors programs show an incredible lack of diversity. While honors programs started with good intentions, they’ve become another way school’s market themselves to empty student’s pockets.There are lots of things to consider when picking a school, but Ron is here to break down and simplify the process.In the Episode…It was so enjoyable to sit down with Ron this week and shed some light on the college selection process. In addition to the topics above, we touch on:Why Ron thinks all students should take a gap yearHow you can talk to kids about college financesWhy the top 45 colleges are so sought aftezHow having the wrong roommate can seriously wreck your college experienceAlthough you and your teen might be stressed about selecting a school, there are thin...

R. Doug Fields, author of Why We Snap and Electric Brain, shares insight from the field of neuroscience on why as evolved as we are, parents and teens still snap at each other. Plus, what new research in the field of brain waves could mean for our kids in the future.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesYou’ve been asking your teenager to unload the dishwasher for days, only to be brushed off everytime. One day, you decide that enough is enough–your teen has lost the privilege of having their phone until they unload it. You announce this to your teen, explaining with a perfect sense of calm why this has to happen….but suddenly, your teen flies off the handle! Furious, they hurl insults, exclaim protestations, and then refuse to come out of their room. Why are they getting so worked up over such a small event?It turns out that this response is a part of a complicated evolutionary brain mechanism, one intended to keep us safe...but can sometimes misfire. It comes down to how we’re wired to face threats, whether we’re being followed down a dark alley or getting into an intense facebook fight! Understanding how this mental system works can help teens from making some impulsive mistakes–and help parents stay cool when arguments with teens heat up.This week we’re sitting down with neuroscientist Dr. R. Douglas Fields, author of Why We Snap: Understanding the Rage Circuit in Your Brain and Electric Brain: How the New Science of Brainwaves Reads Minds, Tells Us How We Learn, and Helps Us Change for the Better. Dr. Fields is a leading researcher in the field of brain science, studying everything from experimental usage of brain waves to developmental psychology. Today, we’re talking about aggression: why it comes so suddenly, how it affects our body, and what we can do about it.Why Aggression AppearsDr. Fields became fascinated by the brain’s aggressive response when he found himself being attacked by a gang on the Barcelona subway. While he and his daughter were in the station, he felt someone grasp for his wallet. Instantly, he was able to grab the perpetrator and tackle him to the ground, putting him in a chokehold. With no martial arts training, and no exceptional athleticism….how in the world was Dr. Fields able to accomplish such an astounding physical feat??!Asking himself that same question, Dr. Fields embarked on a research journey to understand how the body is able to perceive threats and react accordingly. It turns out, this response is deeply unconscious, monitored by the same mechanisms that our brain uses to regulate hunger and thirst.Since this response is hard-wired in our brains, intended to keep us alive, Dr Fields says it’s pointless to tell an upset teen to just “calm down”. In fact, that will likely make the situation worse. Instead, Dr. Fields suggests educating your teen on why a situation is firing them up, and prompt them to consider if it’s worth acting on their angry impulses. If someone flips your teen off in traffic,of course they’re going to get upset. But is it worth yelling back and cutting this person off, risking their own safety? Likely not! Having these discussions with teens can keep them from making decisions they regret.While adults struggle with aggressive responses just like teens do, teens are not as capable of regulating their response, says Dr. Fields. In the episode, he discusses how teens’ have brains that aren’t quite developed enough to control their angry impulses. He shares how you can help a teen learn the importance of self control.When it comes to handling danger, there are certain factors that affect the nature of our reaction. Dr. Fields dives into what these factors are, and why they’re so important to understanding aggressive impulses.The Significance of SexThere are four main influences that affect the body’s response to a perceived threat: our genetic makeup, our childhood experiences, brain damage (from sources like injury or drugs), and, most importantly, our gender. While it’s important to consider our level of impairment (we all know alcohol can make us a little more inclined to impulsivity) and the nature of our upbringing, Dr. Fields says the number one force that indicates our level of rage is our sex.Why is this so? Dr. Fields explains that the answer comes down to the bilateral nature of our brain! When women are encountered with a threat, the response takes place in the left side of the brain, where we process smaller details and analyze the situation at hand. When a large man brushes a bit too aggressively against a woman in a bar, she’s not likely to incite violence against him–she’s smart enough to know that’s a battle she can’t win.If a man finds himself in a similar situation, he’s much more likely to get rough with the other fellow, because his reaction to danger is processed on the right side of the brain, explains Dr. Fields. This means he’s thinking more about the big picture, and guided by his emotions. He’s not analyzing how this guy will come at him when they get into a fight, he’s acting out of fury! This is why 95% of all people in prison for violent crimes are men.The difference in response between the two genders comes down to mating, says Dr. Fields. Women examine mates for prospects, analyzing their qualities, while men are driven to mates by beauty or their visceral response to the other person. In the episode, Dr. Fields gets into how women funnel their violent impulses into indirect action, such a s gossip or self harm. Beyond just gender, Dr. Fields breaks down why certain things trigger an aggressive response, and how our threshold for becoming triggered can become lower from chronic stressStress and Social RankAmong most mammals, status among the pack is essential to survival...and humans are no different. Status in our society is tied to wealth and access to resources. That’s why office politics can elicit a rage response from us–we’re triggered by the threat to our status, and therefore our stability. When teens fight with somebody on Twitter, their place in the hierarchy is being threatened in a similar way, causing them to get angry.Contributing to this is the effect of prolonged stress. If a person is feeling anxious or expected to perform under pressure for a long period of time, their threshold for an impulsive, rage-fueled response is significantly lower. When your teen is about to overflow from managing school, sports, and their social life, they’re likely to blow up when you take their phone away.In the episode, Dr Fields explains that before he was robbed in Barcelona, he had faced a few other threats of robbery in the preceding days, This meant that his body was on higher alert, his brain circuitry changed to be more responsive. He believes this prolonged stress is the reason he was able to defend himself against the perpetrator with a crazy amount of physical strength!When it comes to responding with anger, educating a teen about why their body reacts the way it does can keep them from making dangerous mistakes and getting hurt. By talking to your teen about the brain science behind facing perceived threats, you can help them move thro...

Gregory Koufacos, author of The Primal Method, joins us for a discussion on why simply talking to boys doesn’t work--and how parents can instead activate a strong bond with their teens to set them up for a thriving healthy adult life.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesWhen kids are misbehaving or getting on your last nerve, it can be difficult not to sound like a broken record. Repeated cries of “come home on time” or “put down the controller and start your homework” can feel as though they are falling on deaf ears! Frustratingly, no matter how hard you try to get through to them, teenagers just don’t seem to listen.This can become extra challenging when teens are partaking in behavior that is dangerous or harmful, or even illegal. Oftentimes, teens struggling with problems like substance abuse, self harm or addiction are especially likely to discard a parent’s pleas to change. If only there was another way to get through to kids, and make them realize there’s a better way to live.To get some advice on helping teens improve their lives, we’re sitting down with Gregory Koufacos, author of The Primal Method: A Book for Emerging Men. Gregory has spent years as an addiction counselor and mentor for troubled teens, helping them see the path to recovery and happiness. His unconventional method towards mentoring young people might be just what you need to finally reach your teen.Gregory’s mission is to help people understand the power of showing teens a better life, instead of just telling. He’s here to talk about how you can help kids truly build a positive future for themselves on a daily basis, instead of giving them advice that just falls flat. He also shares why it’s important to sometimes dish out some tough love, and the value of having a strong bond with your teen.Getting Kids EngagedYou can have a million different talks with your teen to try to convince them that you know best, but you’re probably familiar with hearing a “yeah” or “ok” in response...and seeing nothing change! So how can you teach your teens a lesson that actually sticks?In his work as an addiction counselor, Gregory often found himself hitting the same wall. Giving advice to patients in his clinic while they sat on the couch just wasn’t working, so one day he asked one of his clients to step outside with him. Once they were free from those four walls, out in the world, he realized there was a better, more interactive way to help kids get better.From then on, he adopted a system of real world immersion in his practice. He brings kids along to try new things and experience life, and shows them the happiness that can come from healthier habits. Gregory leads his clients by example, and encourages parents to do the same. Are you skipping out on doing things that fulfill you like cooking or working out, because you’re busy nagging your kid or worrying about something you can’t control? Kids can see that, and it affects their perception of what life has to offer. The first step to helping kids discover happiness is showing them what it looks like.Gregory believes that if you want kids to turn off the TV remote or get rid of the vape, you have to find something that helps them to enjoy life instead of seek distraction from it. It might not be easy–some kids might not be quick to share their interests or be vulnerable. However, once you catch on to a kid’s passion for surfing, dancing, writing, Gregory says to run with it. It can be so much more powerful than simply telling them to stop smoking or start working harder.While it’s important to provide kids with positive reinforcement and encourage them to pursue passions, it can also be just as important to be tough on them. Gregory dives into when exactly it can be valuable to give teens a little bit of a harsher treatment.The Significance of Tough LoveWhen teens are on the verge of giving up, Gregory stresses that they need someone to push them, not a parent who’s complicit in their choice to throw in the towel. When your son wants to play video games instead of studying for his final, he needs someone to challenge him to get rid of the controller and hit the books.Now, this doesn’t mean that parents should abandon empathy, Gregory says. He argues that there is a time and place for both soft and tough love, and that both can be necessary. It’s like gardening. While it’s valuable for plants to have water and sunlight, they also need to be trimmed and monitored to stay healthy!In the episode, Gregory tells the story of a patient who was seemingly a straight A student–or so he claimed. When Gregory dug a little deeper, he found that this student was actually barely scraping by. However, Gregory knew that this client wanted to be a straight A student, he just needed some tough love! He confronted the young man about the lie, challenging him, and then, using positive encouragement, guided him towards becoming a better student.When it comes to helping teens prosper, balancing out empathetic love with emphatic love is tricky, but can work wonders. Before you can communicate words of encouragement or disdain however, you’ve got to form a sincere bond with your teen, Gregory says.Creating a Close Bond with a TeenOne thing Gregory and I discuss in the episode is how parents are often asking the wrong questions, wondering: “When will my son start coming home on time?” or “When will my daughter start being honest with me about her alcohol use?”Instead, Gregory suggests asking questions that prompt you to think about the nature of you and your teen’s relationship. How often do the two of you spend quality time? What’s an activity you guys might be able to do together? George emphasizes that oftentimes, the issues that plague kids are caused on some level by the lack of a positive parental relationship. George explains that if you can put in the time to form a strong bond with your teen, you’ll be better equipped to help them stay safe, happy and healthy.Gregory also stresses the importance of knowing the difference between love and smothering. A lot of times, he meets parents who insist that they have strong, healthy connections to their children, when really they’re much too close and need to give kids some space. Gregory says not to worry, it’s normal to smother a bit, especially when teens are in a tough spot. In the episode, he shares some further advice for parents who worry they might be smothering.While it can seem tricky to help a struggling teen snap out of their funk, Gregory’s got some thorough and enlightening advice in the episode. By showing kids that a happy life is possible, doling out tough love when needed, and making the time to forge a strong connection, you can ensure that your teen will make it through whatever tough spot they’re in.Also in the Episode…Why it’s powerful to be vulnerable with your kidsHow to inspire creativity in teensWhy mentorship for young people can be life-changingHow different kinds of intelligence manifest in teensAlthough you might be sick and tired of bossing your kid around, there are better ways to get through to them! If you enjoyed today’s episode, check out Gregory’s ...

Nir Eyal, author of Indistractable and Hooked and former lecturer at Stanford University, offers new insight into why teens get so “addicted” to technology. Nir suggests the problem might not be as insurmountable as we thought and has a method for how to become indistractable.Sponsored by Equip: Eating disorder treatment that works—delivered at home. Visit equip.health/talking for more information, and a free consultation.Full show notesIt’s so frustrating when kids seem infinitely more invested in their Fortnite match than the stack of homework sitting on their desk, or intent on binging Emily in Paris when they should be practicing their violin! In our modern world, where technology surrounds us, it seems that we’re all prone to getting caught up in all the distractions offered by our devices. We know our kids are smart and capable–if only they grew up in a world with no social media or streaming sites...right?Although it’s tempting, blaming our kids’ tendency towards distractions on technology isn’t going to get us anywhere. Even when we take their phones away and limit their access to facebook and Instagram, it seems that they still get distracted, still procrastinate, still don’t put in their full effort! There’s got to be a better way.Today we’re talking to the brilliant Nir Eyal, author of Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life and Hooked: How to Build Habit-Forming Products. Along with teaching business at Stanford University and prospering as an entrepreneur, Nir has written widely on how people become hooked by technology, highlighting what exactly it is keeps us coming back for more. In our interview, he talks specifically about how parents can help kids dodge the technological distractions they so often fall prey to.In Nir’s eyes, the ability of young folks to free themselves from distraction is the key to a successful future. So how can we help kids get there? The answer is a lot more complicated than just simply limiting their technology use. It involves digging deeper into what’s triggering the technology use in the first place...Understanding Internal TriggersWhen we think of the word “distraction”, we tend to think of noises or sights around us that make it hard to concentrate. While these are certainly part of our inability to focus, Nir shines light on what he believes are the most potent forces of distraction: our anxiety, boredom, dread, and confusion. Nir defines these as “internal triggers”, differentiating them from”external triggers" like the beeping of a car alarm or TV playing the news in the background.These internal triggers are too often left out of the conversation when discussing distraction! As parents, it can be tempting to blame our kids’ concentration issues on circumstance or believe that we’re simply helpless when it comes to rebuking the distractions of tech. In reality, the solution to the problem lies in dealing with whatever it is kids are struggling with internally.This use of procrastination to deal with bigger internal problems is similar to drowning out emotional issues with drugs or alcohol, Nir says. It’s not alcohol that drives alcoholism, it’s the emotional conflict or inner turmoil of the alcoholic that causes their unhealthy behavior. The same goes for technology, he explains. We overuse and find distraction when we’re trying to avoid dealing with feelings we’d rather push away.So if your kid is a procrastinator, don’t worry–it’s not a character flaw, Nir emphasizes. Teens just need to learn to process whatever negative emotion they might be feeling. If they can get to the bottom of what’s keeping them productivity, they can begin to tackle the task at hand. In the episode, Nir talks more about how you can help teens deal with these deeper issues, instead of just placing restrictions on their tech use and hoping things will get better.Why Teens Go Online When They’re Unhappy OfflineYou might be wondering, what unpleasant feelings might be acting as internal triggers for my kid? Nir breaks down three main things kids need to be happy, and explains how they often look to the online landscape when they can’t get these things in real life.The first thing kids need is to feel competent. Unfortunately, this feeling is hard for kids to achieve in our modern day school system, Nir says. Nowadays, kids are always being subjected to test after test, a process which tends to make them feel pretty incompetent. But when they’re on Minecraft building fantastical structures, winning a game of Super Smash Brothers or watching their Instagram post rake in the likes, they suddenly feel that competence they desire! If we want kids to stop seeking approval online, we need to make sure they’re getting it in real life, Nir says.Teenagers also need autonomy, Nir explains, another thing they’re often not given nowadays. Teens are always being told where to go, how to dress, what to think, who they can and can’t talk to...the list goes on. When they go online, however, they’re able to do whatever they wish, basically unsupervised. They’re free to create, vent and explore! If teens felt as though they were able to have such freedom offline, they likely wouldn’t be so distracted by the online world.Finally, Nir explains how teens need relatedness–they need to understand others and feel understood. Unfortunately, even before the pandemic, kids in today’s world were more isolated than ever before. Nir notes that kids were once free to run around and play together, but now their schedules are full with math classes and flute lessons instead. Kids need to be around each other, however, leading them to seek the companionship they need online.In the episode, Nir and I discuss how you can mitigate these problems to create a child who has a healthy relationship with the internet. Once you teach kids to handle their emotions and get a grip on their internal triggers, they’ll be one step closer to defeating distraction. We’re not done. however. Nir’s got a few extra tips on what to do once you’ve got those internal triggers in the bag.Other Tips To Tackle DistractionsA big part of avoiding distraction is time management. Nir emphasizes the idea of making time for “traction”...the opposite of “distraction!” This means structuring your time around achieving your goals and becoming the person you hope to be. A lot of time, we fall victim to distraction because we don’t harness and direct our energy in productive ways.If we schedule our time, we can set aside moments for focus, as well as moments for fun. Nir emphasizes the importance of dedicating a separate block of time to play games or watch Netflix. If there’s forethought involved, kids can keep themselves from playing for hours. In addition, by being aware of when and how much they’ll play, teens keep themselves from getting distracted by thoughts of playing, Nir explains.Nir talks about how another really important factor in focus is sleep! Technology often plays a part in keeping kids from getting all the rest they need at night. This can cause some serious physiological and mental health issues! Nir says it’s probably not a good idea for teens to have cellphones with them as they’re falling asleep, or to have TVs in their room–these things will keep them from peac...