Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

Skills, skills skills! Mama Tanya shares with our community an incredible example of how meeting your child where they are at can shift the outcome of your experience. It is easy for us as parents to become presumptive aboutmisguided behavior Remember how curiosity is key? By becoming curious with our kids, we are able to recognize the skills they still need to develop, as well as see the reasons for certain choices,which are not always what they seem.Mama Tanya shares:“Sorry for the long post but I need some advice. “ school, and they gave him homework to do over the weekend. He said he didn't think it was fair to have homework on the weekends (which I agree), but on Saturday he set his homework on fire! Took the lighter when no one was watching, went outside like he was going to go play, and set it on fire burning half the page and dunking it in the pool.When I found the half burned sheet of paper in the pool, I kept my cool but was obviously shocked that he would react that way to homework. I let him know that I thought it was a poor decision to 1. light something on fire (safety!) and 2. refuse to do his homework in such a permanent way. Internally I felt helpless and frantic to solve the problem, externally I let him know that I get it, homework sucks, and I reminded him that he could ask for help.I asked him what made him set it on fire, was he feeling overwhelmed? Or angry? Or both? He was visibly upset both about being caught and about homework so I didn't preach or press the issue until later that day. When he was calm I talked to him about how sometimes we have to do things we don't like (like washing dishes) but we can learn to do it anyway, it doesn't have to be perfect, and we can ask for help.I also explained that between two extremes (setting homework on fire and staying up till midnight doing homework- neither which are healthy) he could find a happy medium. He said he had not done his best and that he would try to do his best this week. - I felt like it was handled positively all in all.But, when he told his father and co-parent (who lives elsewhere) over the phone, his dad immediately started saying that he wasn't going to send him something previously promised, that he would take his computer and phone away if he ever did it again, and went into punishment mode.So, what would you do? I thought about saying he couldn't do his electronic time until he completed his homework. Or I would give him extra electronic time every time he completed his homework. But I am super conflicted. I feel like homework issues should be dealt with by the teacher. Natural consequences. Of course I want to help the teacher, but not sure how...”Bullet Point: How to approach the reasoning behind the behavior Kids do more in response with how they feel Getting off the emotional freight train Getting curious so we can be solution minded, see where child has influence Parents assume children make choices rationally, when in fact they have limited skills Revisiting Dr. Siegel’s “Palm of the Hand” example Assessing what else can be going on inside their body How to identify lacking skills and helping kids deal with the discomfort Letting go of our perspective as the only perspective Letting go of “should” (ex. They should know better) Quotes:14:52 “Curiosity really allows us to move past assumptions and get into our child’s world”.15:07 “Curiosity requires us to let go of the idea that we know all the answers and what it is that our kids need”.Links mentioned in the show: Podcast Episode 75 – Marcilie BoylePodcast Episode 100 – Dr. Tina Payne BrysonDan Siegel's Brain VideoCasey's Teaches Kids about the Brain Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

World traveler, calm seeker, mom coach, multi-lingual speaker, Alexander Hughes, brings us her methods for supporting mamas in the chaos that is parenthood. The trials and tribulations of her own experience in motherhood would eventually fuel the passion of support she gives to other moms navigating the same road. Alex has created a soft space for mamas feeling out of control to find their rhythm and calm. At her website inneressencecoaching.com one has access to her workshops, authentic words of wisdom and that much needed place to connect with someone who gets it. With three kids and a handful of international moves Alex knows what it means to feel out of control in the mama chaos – which is why she has turned over every rock to find that much needed calm. We really should just make her wear a cape.What you will hear in this episode: Alex’s journey into and out of chaos An experience of transitions from a working professional to working mom to stay at home mom and back to working mom Our vision vs. our reality Why finding calm is so important as a mother The importance of mother’s nurturing a relationship with self Identifying patterns and models in current parenting Understanding where patterns and models come from Understanding the internal work necessary to tackle patterns & models How we set ourselves up and why this can ultimately lead to chaos Changing how we see the road – going from linear to cyclical Understanding the cycles through life Awareness of what we model for our kids Access to tools 1) manage stress 2) manage anger 3) creating a life for yourself that are aligned with values and self loving How our words create expectations for the inner child Where courage lies Summary of how Alex helps mamas on the road to calm - #1 Internal Work #2 External Work Self Care – is about “doing stuff that lights you up” Calm responding wisdom & tools Quotes:“When you have kids and you're a stay-at-home mom and you have stay-at-home parents, checking those boxes and feeling that sense of achievement doesn’t always happen”. 6:34“Models and patterns live deep inside of me based on my own childhood and my own experiences”. 11:16“Create a new best friend voice that is going to support us in the choices we are going to make”. 12:06“If we can switch from that and seeing these mistakes, those blowups as opportunities to reconnect with your kid, teach your kid, learn yourself”. 20:28“It’s your job to love yourself and to practice self care and self love because your children are watching you. AND you are a better everything when you do”. 43:04What does Joyful Courage mean to you:“I think that you need to be courageous to be a conscious mom, to practice positive parenting, or to take that journey toward calm responding. It’s about opening yourself up to feelings. It’s about treating those moments as learning opportunities when you do ‘make those mistakes’. When you open yourself up, you need to be courageous to be vulnerable. Once you do that it opens up this space for connection, which without there would be no joy”.Where to find Alex:WebsiteFacebookLinkedin Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Join the Joyful Courage Tribe in our community Facebook group - Live and Love with Joyful Courage. Raising our children while growing ourselves...:::::Practice, practice, practice. There is no other way to really move into how we want to BE. Practice is the key. The beauty of choosing and moving through practice is we discover new ideas, concepts and understandings that make our practice more enjoyable AND dare I say magical. In this episode we dig a little deeper into the idea of using our lens to take us to where we want to go. When toddling through different lenses we can shift this practice even deeper. We are joined by Ian O’Roarty, tween extraordinaire, into the lens of his practice through making amends. Listen and see how many fruitful lenses you discover.What you will hear: iTunes reviews – yay!! Thank you!! Ian is my guest to talk about what making amends looks and feels like from an 11 year old perspective Power of perception Moving into the perception of being a new sibling What might that look like to a toddler? How we collect evidence to support our perception What will we choose in the practice of collecting evidence? Is our evidence creating our fears? OR is our evidence helping us move through how we want to be?    Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Kristin Hovious is a committed teacher with over a decade of experience in vocational, adult education, serving Chicago’s Cortiva Institute as both Education Director (2007-2008) and Adjunct Faculty Member (2006-2017.) Her training as a massage therapist and yoga teacher provides a foundation and love for anatomy and science of human development.As a Positive Discipline Certified Trainer, Kristin, combines a career of teaching and serving with her passion for creating mutually respectful environments for families, children, classrooms and schools. In her collaboration with teachers, administrations and families, Kristin’s goal is to help facilitate opportunities for adults and students to become compassionate leaders, with the hope that doing so will help build more peaceful communities. Kristin has served on the Positive Discipline Association Board of Directors as a Consultant since 2016.What you will hear in this episode: Kristin’s journey into Positive Discipline (PD) How PD grew in the Hovious’ Home and the challenges that came with learning a new way How teaching anatomy in her career paved the way for curiosity in neuroscience Understanding how emotions and behaviors influence connection Discussion on ‘kind and firm’ rephrasing as ‘connection and accountability’ and why Why shifting society’s idea of mistakes and punishments lacks ability to repair Understanding mistakes as opportunities to learn How repairing is a practice and it has the power to transform our relationships Mistakes lead to repairing opportunities Kristin walks us through four steps in healthy repair Relatable examples from Kristin’s own life help us empathize and feel supported in our own challenges Modeling is key Sticking to our agendas is a way we move away from connection When we repair relationships we have the power to heal connections Diving into our parenting pain so we can make amends Discomfort is a place to get curious, not a place to get stuck  “I don’t think repairing relationships comes naturally or easy to us. It is practice”.What does Joyful Courage mean to you?“What Joyful courage means to me is that there is a consistent opportunity to practice repair. That is always worth it - it’s so important in the whole trajectory in our lives together as human beings. If we can be joyful in repair then maybe we can also turn the corner and be joyful about mistakes”.Where to find Kristin:Selchicago.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Who needs sleep? If you think about your best parenting moments vs. your more challenging ones I think we could venture to say that sleep OR lack of sleep would be a BIG contender. We have all been there. We move fluidly through that familiar bedtime routine, finish that last Llama Llama page, kisses, lights out….. We are no further from the kitchen when we hear “Mooooooooooom”!!! or Daaaaaaadddddeeeeeeeeeeee”! Sigh.Mama Christine posted this week about her daughter’s sleep struggles “oh, tribe, apologies for the long post, but I'm in dire need of some help. bedtime. dear lord, my daughter is 5, and it. is. brutal. her bedroom is on the first floor, mine is upstairs. she's often hungry before bedtime, so we usually do a snack like high fat yogurt and fruit. after bedtime jobs are done, i read to her, we sing, and say our goodnights...generally 20ish minutes. nearly every night, she's out of bed for any number of 'reasons': need to say goodnight to the dog, still hungry, thirsty, needs to say something to me, needs to ask me a question, needs another hug, says she can't sleep (within minutes of me leaving her bedroom) and the list goes on”. Christine is not alone here, otherwise there would not be a book called Go the F@ck to Sleep . Let’s break this struggle down, so Christine can get some sleep and her little one can feel peaceful slumber.What you will hear:·     Iceberg view – top of the iceberg; requests, getting our of bed, one last… Under the surface; belonging and significance, influence, connection·     Mischief showing up when we have misguided ideas about belonging and significance·     Getting curious, noticing lack of skills to complete task (ie going to sleep)·     Getting curious so we can be solution minded, see where child has influence·     Children long for connection, they settle for attention·     Creating routines that help kids know what is happening and allowing them to have influence·     Making agreements to help kids create boundaries·     What is my child’s perspective?·     Asking how am I feeding this problem?Link to Deborah MacNamara Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Join the Joyful Courage Tribe in our community Facebook group - Live and Love with Joyful Courage. Raising our children while growing ourselves...:::::Kate Orson is a Hand in Hand parenting instructor, and author of Tears Heal: How To Listen To Children is on the podcast today! Originally from the UK she now lives in Basel, Switzerland, with her husband, author Toni Davidson, and their four year old daughter Ruby.You can find her work in parenting magazines including The Green Parent, Juno and Smallish.What you’ll hear in this episode: An introduction to Hand in Hand Parenting Children’s natural healing abilities Helping to attune to a child in a calm manner The benefits of crying Need for cortisol to be released from a stressful event It’s crucial children have safe space to release stress How to find ways to connect, special time Learn to listen to your children’s emotions Signs to look for in distressed children Getting out of our need to “fix it” or “stop it” response Children will release on their own terms Be available and take an interest in them  Quotes:“I think our entire culture has this mental block when it comes to crying”.“I came across this different way of listening to the emotions. It’s reframing the way we view tears. It’s about listening and allowing the feelings”.“Children need safety to let go of feelings”.What does Joyful Courage mean to you?“I would say parenting is really really hard work. Sometimes we make mistakes and it may seem really hard to get up the next day and embrace it as a fresh day. We should have the Joyful Courage to embrace the challenges of parenting”.Where to find Kate:website I Facebook I Twitter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Casey is solo!One of the most effective and accessible tools in Positive Discipline, which fully connects our kids to significance and belonging, is the offer and the counter-offer. Casey and her very special guest, Melany, discuss the best way to use offers and counter-offers.What you’ll hear in this episode:·     My eight year old niece chimes in on why having the option to counter offer helps her feel happy ·     Imagine aligning your vision of boundaries and expectations with that of your child’s ·     Building life long skills in processing, communicating and self confidence ·     An effective tool that helps build feelings of belonging and significance ·     What are non-negotiables vs.negotiables ·     How opening up the opportunity for your child to have a voice will help them ease into non-negotiables with healthy cooperation Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Dr. Tina Payne Bryson is the co-author (with Dan Siegel) of two New York Times bestsellers: The Whole-Brain Child and No-Drama Discipline. She is the Executive Director of the Center for Connection in Pasadena, CA and a pediatric and adolescent psychotherapist. She keynotes conferences and conducts workshops for parents, educators, and clinicians all over the world. Dr. Bryson earned her Ph.D. from the University of Southern California, where her research explored attachment science, childrearing theory, and the emerging field of interpersonal neurobiology. You can learn more about her at TinaBryson.com, where you can subscribe to her blog and read her articles about kids and parenting.:::::What you will hear in this episode: How Dr. Dan Siegal and Tina collaborated on THE WHOLE-BRAINED CHILD How science can help guide parents in really profound ways Programs, communities and in which Dr. Bryson’s work is taught The importance of HOW are parent shows up to the nervous system of a developing child How getting CURIOUS with your child creates gateways into building important life skills and self regulation How making ASSUMPTIONS delays or stops tool building; ie, taking behavior personal, over explaining behavior, making character assumptions, if they did it once they should be able to consistently complete task/request Paying attention to a developing nervous system If the nervous system is not regulated the child cannot have choice over behavior How to influence the nervous system in both self and child Identification of Dr. Bryson and Dr. Siegals emotional “ZONES”; Red Zone, Blue Zone, Green Zone The Frontal Cortex is not developed yet Children do not have the architecture to control “reptilian brain” / “fight or flight” in red or blue zones – difficulty paying attention, learning, regulating Tools/techniques to get in “green zone” – regulated, calm, empathetic, attune Behavior is communicating child’s lack of skills When to seek out professional help Self regulation – be gentle and kind with ourselves (reference Kristin Neff, of self-compassion.org) New techniques require time and PRACTICE Calming strategy when child is disregulated- get BELOW eye level and use soothing words including “I’m right here with you” Brain associates with physical state – floppy noodle technique Body shift can help shift emotions How discipline is teaching We need to give children tools not take them away Thoughts on consequences Key actions of soothing, connection, problem-solving, playfulness and being pro-active build a “whole-brained” child How to recognize our own “zones” and practice getting/staying into “green zone”  Where to find Dr. Tina Bryson:tinabryson.com – infinite resources to put into practice! Facebook l TwitterWhat to watch for:New books by Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson The YES Brain - January 2018 Showing Up – TBD Info from the Show:Lantern CampsKristin Neff, of self-compassion.orgCamp Chippewa http://campchippewa.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to the show!Let me share my own story from the trenches… You aren’t the only one who has kids who act like you are ruining their lives when you ask them to help our around the house… AND, it is a beautiful thing when your kids turn it around and own their behavior, right? It is a good thing, yes, but I am getting curious about if I am inadvertently raising a people pleaser….?? A question from the communityMama Denise shares “Literally losing my mind on first day of summer vacation over iPads. I don't have an ounce of energy for a single tool. I'm the worst mom ever, according to my daughter (5y 10mos). And my 7 1/2 yo son "needs this mower" on a farm simulator game. Literally feel like pitching these machines in the dumpster. Thank you for listening.”These are the struggles where we can release most of the load and pull our kids into co-creation. Casey takes Denise’s familiar scenario and leads us through the practice of intention, presence and solution. Showing up intentionally, rather than reactively Creating intention and applying it to our lens and presence Noticing the ease of intention when the ride is smooth and the rockiness when things fall apart Creating routines that help kids know what is happening and allowing them to have influence Making agreements to help kids create boundaries Identifying needs vs. privileges. ex. Screen time – it is a privilege Privilege comes after contributions Difference between contribution vs. chores A privilege differs from a reward It’s not about “earning”, it’s about “management” Guiding kids to have a voice in solutions when they feel an agreement or routine is not working Seeing the tip of the iceberg and KNOW that beneath the surface is a request for boundaries Allowing children a voice means we hold them as contributors to the cause Children are more likely to follow through when they have a voice in the creation of the agreement Introducing offer and counter offer tool – teaches parent how to let go of agenda, control and rigidity Sharing power when stakes are low  Resources:Routine Handout Agreement HandoutQuotes:“There are ways of being that support us in the journey.”“Everything is an opportunity to grow, to be better, and to be curious.”“Underneath all of the behavior all of the challenges and mischief that shows up is the underlying need for belonging, significance and influence. Our children only have so many years of life to filter and make sense of it.”“In the co-creation of routines and agreements the underlying message is that the child’s voice matters.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Meet Kerry Foreman, psychotherapist, mother, wife and mindfulness guide. Kerry’s practice and blog, Grounded, settles around mindfulness awareness and the practice to live a life you’ll truly love. After a tough childhood, Kerry recognized that the tools she had to cope with life were unhealthy. Life her threw her some tough lessons, but by surrounding herself with healthy people she began to open the gifts of healthy practices, which began her healing journey. One by one she was able to acknowledge the unhelpful coping mechanisms and could then change and design how she wanted to live. Kerry lives in Colorado with her family. Her blog, Grounded, is a place for those who find strength in uplifting words and real, raw stories. It’s for those who love the idea of Mindfulness but maybe have no idea what that even looks like in real life. Kerry’s passion is to help people learn to live with a clearer lens.:::::What you’ll hear in this episode: Recognition of FOO (Family of Origin) patterns and the call to make changes Psychological/verbal/emotional abuse trains us react rather than respond Noticing patterns such as shame, guilt and anger – where do they originate? Becoming a parent can bring these to the surface. How do we recognize where we need to change? Learning to respond instead if react Understand and reflect on our own parents’ experience Creating change and becoming aware of our own inner state of being Mindfulness practice influences the shift into better relationships How do we become grounded in order to stay balanced and present in mind no matter what is happening around us? Where control plays a role in mindfulness and the contrast in anxiety What do we chose to believe – what is the story we play in our minds? Self talk of being a victim – recognizing the language Expectations of others and how to stay mindful and in control while at the same time releasing what we are not in control of.  What does Joyful Courage mean to me?“Joyful Courage is finding the joy in being brave enough to parent differently. Finding a new path in order to allow our kids to be who they were meant to be.”Where to find Kerry:YouTube l Facebook l Twitter l BLOG Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices