Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

Gratitude to the community, specifically my one on one clients and the membership. Themes Collective experience My own filter Always in the learning, growing, developing Humaning is simple, not easy Knowing what we want, not taking action to get there Identifying what we want Reading/learning tools/strategies Sitting on the outside of it Procrastination Self talk Sneak messages Fear/worthiness/perfectionism Finding Nemo Working so hard to get to his goal Dealing with the monkey mind of dory (is there a metaphor here?) Perseverance despite fear Turtle Come into the current, dude Less effort Less resistance More results Bigger possibilities The Secret/ Law of Attraction / FLOW What is this all about? The Law of attraction is the belief that by focusing on positive or negative thoughts people can bring positive or negative experiences into their life. The belief is based on the idea that people and their thoughts are both made from "pure energy", and that through the process of "like energy attracting like energy" a person can improve their own health, wealth and personal relationships. What you think about you bring about Yes thought AND actively taking steps that move you in that direction NEMO HAD TO SAY YES AND ENTER THE FLOW TO BE A PART OF THE FLOW What the heck does this have to do with parenting? Paying attention to the flow What makes it easy to be easy going, even when things are challenging? What do you notice about when your family is more easy going? Under the surface/foundation Routines Common language Needs are met Connected Belonging and significance Have you defined where you want to flow to take you? More of a way of being than a destination, unless you are setting specific goals It is an ACTIVE process – we must be in action FLOW state shows up because it all becomes easier the more we choose in Choosing in I say this a lot Being a yes Seizing the opportunities to “practice” the tools TAKING ACTION If you want things to BE different then you need to BE different Interrupting the patters Discover what your patterns are Pay attention/mindfulness Ex – phone use When do you use it What do you notice about right before you pick it up? Where do you use it What routines can you play with that will interrupt your pattern DECIDING to do something different/interrupting Leaving it upstairs in the morning Ex – getting mad at my teenager/taking her angst personally When do you do it What do you notice about right before you yell Where are you typically when you yell What routines can you play with that will interrupt your pattern DECIDING to practice something different Internal work of allowing HER to be responsible for her feelings and allowing ME to be responsible for mine Creating a “one liner” that supports me in knowing/sharing where I am at Taking care of myself Offering my daughter opportunities to develop tools for taking care of herself – LIFE SKILL Ex – being resentful that no one “helps” When do you do it What do you notice about right before resentment shows up Where are you typically when you are feeling What routines can you play with that will interrupt your pattern DECIDING to practice something different Creating routines around that particular time of the day Getting face to face and asking for help Smiling Listen, we all thrive in community. We thrive when we are being supported and joined by a bunch of other people who are diving into the practices and the work that we are engaging in. Do yourself a favor and JOIN THE #JOYFULCOURAGE10 – this is EXACTLY what you need to step into your OWN flow of parenting. This is the jumpstart you need to manifest the family vibe that you desire. We are on a collective journey, and the #JC10 is the party bus you didn’t know that you wanted on – disco ball and all!! Sign up RIGHT NOW, we start April 1st – www.joyfulcourage.com/jc10 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today’s guest is Kelly Flannigan Bos, MSW. Kelly is a clinical therapist focusing on individual, marriage, and family relationships. She helps people find meaning and joy in their relationships - with themselves and others. As a well-known relationship expert, she has appeared in a professional capacity in countless media markets as a guest and writer. Today we are discussing an article she wrote in November called, “I don’t want to write the script for my child’s inner critic.” Join us!“We’re not always going to have the perfect reactions and we can certainly apologize when we haven’t kept our cool or done the right thing. There’s ways to model other things like resolution or forgiveness.” “Does a good brow beating make us feel better, more able to face the challenges ahead of us? Usually not. We often shame ourselves into inertia. Would we ever say these words to a friend? There is a better way. We can be kind to ourselves and get better results and I definitely want kind self talk for my kids." “It’s a constant journey but it’s one I know I want to be on so I just keep starting again and if I can be self-compassionate to myself, then I have something to give outside as well.”What you’ll hear in this episode: The role of self-compassion in parenting The three tenets of self-compassion Moving past the isolation of the shame of not meeting our own expectations Over-identification with our problems and how mindfulness can make a difference Worry and the reality of the lack of accuracy of our future prediction Phases of parenting and worry Brain development and parenting – developmental challenges Getting out of the emotional whirlwind The role of self-comfort, recognizing and acknowledging our own suffering Self-compassion as a way to build capacity for parenting challenges Self-compassion and it’s relationship to compassion we can extend to others Self-compassion for avoiding depletion Making self-compassion part of common language in the family Family meetings as a vehicle for communicating self-compassion Separating the child from the behavior Problem solving to avoid over identification with problems Fear as a barrier to positive parenting Self care as self-compassion What to do when you have no room for self-care Resources: I don’t want to write the script for my child’s inner criticWhere to find Kelly:FacebookTwitterInstagramWebsiteYoutube  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Not a lot of show notes today… I am sharing the feedback and follow through of the Parents and Politics show and talking about letting go of attachment and fear.Enjoy!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today’s guest is Rebecca Eanes, the author of two books for parents: Positive Parenting The Essential Guide and The Newbie’s Guide to Positive Parenting. She is back to talk to us about her newest resource for parents: The Positive Parenting Workbook. Rebecca leads a community of over a million on her Facebook page, Positive Parenting Toddlers and Beyond. Join us! “I see and speak about parenting as a journey… and the journey is a continuous invitation to continue to practice being the parent we want to be as often as possible.”“Parenting is one long personal development workshop.”  “My kids are the best mirrors because in them I have seen my own negative attitudes and bad moods and emotional reactions in really every area that I needed to improve upon.”“I think we definitely grow ourselves up in the process of helping our kids grow up.”“Our kids are going to make mistakes every day. If they had perfect parents, they would not know how to get through this world.” “Be as gentle and respectful with yourself as you are trying to be with your kids. You are not perfect either and you don’t have to be. We are all growing, we are all learning, we are all flawed, and we all need grace. This is a journey and there’s not a destination yet that I’ve seen. It’s an ever going thing so be good to yourself along the way.”What you’ll hear in this episode: Dealing with swearing and supporting kids in navigating different rules in different situations Positive parenting and what it really means The role of mutual respect in positive parenting Identifying underlying issues under disrespect Shifting focus: from disrespectful behavior itself to supporting learning that leads to respectful behavior. Leadership in positive parenting Non-negotiables and positive parenting The value in personal development and parenting Moving from behavior patrol to positive parenting The origins of the Positive Parenting Workbook Discipline as part of the parenting pie 7 Pillars of family culture as part of positive parenting Words of wisdom for parents working towards positive parenting Resources:Positive Parents websiteThe Positive Parenting WorkbookThe Newbie’s Guide to Positive ParentingPositive Parenting: An Essential GuidePositive Parenting In Action Where to find Rebecca:Facebook TwitterInstagramPositive Parents websitePinterestCreative Child Magazine Mother.ly Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Politics and Parenting - can we keep them separate?Do we want to?I don’t imagine that everyone who follows Joyful Courage share all of my views. I am guessing that you all realize that I am a flaming liberal – and if you didn’t, well, cats out of the bag. I support dignity and respect for all humans. Black lives matter to me. Immigrant lives matter to me. Woman having equal rights, including rights over their body matters to me. I believe that people have the right to gather and worship in a way that works for them. I believe in climate change and the duty we ALL have to honor the earth. I believe that people who are raised to feel connected, loved and as though they matter don’t show up at public or private events with the intent to kill. I do not believe that private citizens have the right to own weapons of war. I believe our schools should be safe and secure. I do not believe that teachers should have guns. I believe in a health care system that is proactive in supporting the mentally ill. I believe in compassion. I believe in civic action. Some of what I just shared may turn you off to my work and my message. I hope it doesn’t, because at the most foundational level, I believe in love – living it, spreading it, being it. And that is what will save the world.“Love thy neighbor as thyself” is a message of all major religions – and when THIS is our come-from, when THIS message is what we start to live, the world will be healed.And I acknowledge that it isn’t easy. It isn’t easy to put ourselves out there and speak our truths we don’t want to offend we don’t want to argue we worry about what people think we want everyone to be comfortable And right now the environment is so TOXIC! It is so challenging to talk about the issues that matter the most to us. It is scary to get vulnerable and say what we need to say, to lead from the front.Today I declare that I am no longer going to worry about ruffling feathers. I will continue to share the content that you have come to love, and I will elevate it by pushing my fear aside.I will bring more of myself.I will bring more of my authenticity and truth.I will leave behind wanting everyone to like me.I am done with school shootings, and my guess is you are too.It is time to have hard conversations.It is time to look for solutions.It is time to get involved, ask questions, reach out and trust that your voice is valued. Humans are hurting.Weapons of war are too available.Schools aren’t secure.So lets do something about it.Today is about action.Thank you.Thank you for listening. I feel as though it is my responsibility to speak these truth, it is my responsibility to not pretend that all is well and good and that the world our children are inheriting is going to magically be peaceful.We are in the creation of the world we live in. Everything we do is part of the creation. What we buy Who we vote for Whether or not we speak up when we get that intuitive hit that what we are witnessing is wrong We are in the creation even when WE DO NOTHING. Even when we turn away because it is too hard, or too scary, or too vulnerable – we are STILL in the creation of the world we live in.I choose to be in action. And I hope you join me. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today’s guest is Liz Haske, a mother, an international teacher and instructional coach and children’s book author. She has over 15 years elementary classroom experience in six different countries and is super passionate about empowering children to be their most courageous selves. Her first book, When Worry Takes Hold, was released in November 2017 and aims to help young children cope with worry by using mindful breathing. Join us! “It’s about a young girl who’s afraid to do different things and she realizes that she has the power inside her and if she puts her hands on her belly, she can be brave.” “Stories help us be better people if we are reading the right books” “We want to empower these little people to realize they can do it. They can develop the tools and they can be confident and they can face what is presented to them in healthy and positive ways.” “Worry gets bigger and bigger the more that we do it.” “We can be brave, and everyone has worries … whether it’s helping our kids be brave or us being brave to face whatever parenting challenge it may be.” “Courage is just a deep breath away.”  What you’ll hear in this episode: The basis & inspiration for When Worry Takes Hold Worry as a visitor and the power to ask it to leave Acknowledging & expecting worry Externalizing worry and setting limits Following the why – getting to the root of big feelings Manifestations and signs of worry Addressing underlying worry vs. addressing the behaviors Taking a wide view to problem solving worry How not to take worry related behaviors personally Why trying to talk kids out of their worries doesn’t work Managing worry as a practice Tools for managing worry and how they can be applied to other situations Mindful breathing vs. “Let’s take some deep breaths” The power of mindful breathing How to know when to get professional help (duration, intensity, impact, age appropriateness) Journaling worries to find patterns and icebergs Liz’s upcoming projects on the horizon The importance of exercising self-compassion  Resources: When Worry Takes HoldWhere to find Liz:FacebookInstagramWebsiteTwitter Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A solo show all about routinesThere are a couple tools, that when put into place, make the whole parenting journey easier. You have heard me talk about special time, that one on one time that is so important for building relationship and a solid foundation of belonging and significance for our kids.Challenges coming up in the LLWJC group mornings, bedtimes, defiance, meltdowns, sibling issues We find ourselves putting out fires We find ourselves being overtaxed We find ourselves slipping OUT of who we want to be and INTO crazy parent This is also where we loose sight of the way that we are contributing to the chaos at hand…. We blame out kids We fall into the trap of “it is always so difficult” We forget that there is always a flow that comes after the ebb…. Yes, special time helps with the challenges mentioned about.The relationship we nurture with our kids is what has the biggest impact on their behavior, absolutely.AND, another tool that is super helpful to come back to, again and again, is co-creating routines.Now, if you are someone with challenges in the morning, or after school, you may be thinking, but we have a routine, and it isn’t working!!!GREAT.Not all routines are created equal. Routines are made to be modified and changed up Routines designed to be HELPFUL for everyone will be the most USEFUL Mindset matters This is not about getting your kids to do what you want them to do This is about helping your children feel like capable, contributing members of the family This is about the process, the opportunity that exists inside the challenge that is currently at the surface Take a deeper look… Co creating routines means that you are CO CREATING Find a time of day when everyone is feeling good, connected Opening up the conversation to child about how they experience the challenging time of day, validate their feelings, listen and let them know you are taking their sharing to heart – this is not time to talk them out of what they are experiencing or getting them to “see your side” Clear out the space through taking accountability for your behavior. This is really important. Ask for their help to make that time of day easier/better for everyone Brainstorm ideas/tasks Offer/counter offer if you need to Be open to their ideas Be firm/not rigid around your non-negotiables “This is what is important to me, how could we make that work?” “What is your idea for that?” Cross off anything that isn’t related/reasonable/respectful/helpful on the list Work together to create a visual reminder Try it for a week But, but, but what if it doesn’t “work” Shifting to what is “helpful” Focus on the process TRUST the process Let the routine be the boss Revisit at the end of the week and tweak if necessary So many routines…. Housework Family Meetings Mornings Afterschool Bedtime Take it slow – let go of urgencyHow you show up mattersBe in your practice of curiosity and openness – catch yourself when you want to judge (roshambo/coin flip) Currently in a new routine of turning screens off from 5-7. This is a slippery place for us….Recently posted a handout on the live and love page – will put it in the show notes – for walking through this process. Let me know if you have any questions! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Julie Miller is on with us!Julie is on a mission to live a delicious life and bring joy back to the family dinner table. She is a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist and Certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator who holds a Master’s Degree in Human Nutrition from Bastyr University. She has over 16 years’ experience sharing food and nutrition philosophy with diverse communities throughout the Seattle area. Julie currently specializes in helping families find their own positive feeding dynamic so that food is less of a parenting chore and more of a nourishing experience. She believes that connection between adults, children and food sets the stage for a lifetime of personal wellness, including healthy eating. Julie knows, as a Mom, that the constant demand to prepare and serve food can get just a wee bit tiring and tricky. She emphasizes reducing the drama and eating minimally processed foods, while ensuring that children and adults meet their nutritional needs to support growth, development and wellbeing.   Content: Got into nutrition for personal reasons Had kids and discovered PD So much judgment in parenting – especially fierce around food Helps parents to make parenting around food a nourishing experience for everyone Most typical complaint? “I don’t like it” Second biggest? Picky eating Parental Fatigue – parents DON’T want to cook but DO want to feel kids good food PD says – “Eating, sleeping, pottying, you can’t make them do it!” You CAN work on belonging, significance and influence They need to be guided, not forced Division of responsibility – defining roles (Ellen Satter’s work) Parent responsible for what, when, where AND maintaining connection Child responsible for what they eat and how much Story about Rowan drinking caffeine Over 12 100mg isn’t terrible Under 12 no caffeine Guide THEM in using the information to make informed choices Until it is personally meaningful for them to feel the effects of their choices, behavior won’t change AND they learn what they live Before bed snacks…. Timing Thank you bites?? What about suggesting….. Serve food family style. Parents can mentioned all the items that are available, then the parents job is done…. What about the salad?? Short term vs long term goals Let go of judgement Invite kids into planning/cooking to bulk up their belonging/significance/influence Your job is to provide food, provide some structure and love them unconditionally Let go of self judgement/what others think/fear <3  Find Julie:www.harmonioustable.netemail at jmillernutrition@comcast.net Live workshops in Seattle – reach out to hire Julie Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Content:Solo show today – from the car…. Thank you for having grace for my audio quality this week!! Feeling inspired to share with you on my way to yoga class.All about the Iceberg Metaphor Shout out to all the parents of teens out there who are showing up and sharing and willing to be vulnerable Connecting seeing an iceberg as a metaphor for children’s behavior Unwanted behavior is the “tip” of the iceberg The behavior that we see Under the surface - What’s opening the door to the behavior? Perception of connection Perception of influence Perception of mattering Trauma/adversity Kids are ALWAYS making meaning with their underdeveloped brain – and forming beliefs from that place Lacking skills for navigating the challenges/emotions that show up Moving from a place of strengthening relationship as a way to understand what is below the surface, to help us influence the behavior at the tip Episode 104 on Making Amends Always be moving towards nurturing relationship What are some of the things YOU do to look under the surface? Head over to Live and Love with Joyful Courage and share! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Alright - My guest today is Liz Blackwell-Moore. I connected with Liz through my friend, and one of your fave podcast guests, Julietta Skoog from besproutable.com. I am so excited to have Liz on today to talk about an incredibly relevant topic – kids and drugs. GAH. I know. No one really WANTS to talk about this, but we have to.Liz has been working in the field of substance use since 2000. Her current work involves working with community coalitions and organizations to provide training on prevention strategies as well as technical assistance to translate public health research into practice and implement a restorative trauma-informed approach to addressing public health problems.So basically, Liz is going to break it all down for us in a way that is helpful. She lives in Portland, Maine with her wife, two happy kids, and a puppy.Content: Liz shares about her early work with people involved with substance abuse and was drawn to exploring prevention work How can we make “systems” (including the family) better for young people, with more support in their lives? What the “risk taking years” feels like, according to Casey Liz shares her moms’ analogy of the two boats Adolescent brain development It’s like a house being build bottom up Built through interactions and the environment kids experience Reward center develops first – ready to go, “volume turned up” Front, logical part of brain not fully developed, and not integrated W/o the desire to try new things, how would they ever leave home?? The perception and science of marijuana and adolescence National Academy of Sciences – research on the research Young people using Impacts learning and memory Significant effects on mental health “Regular use” – once every 30 days 2xs more likely to become depressed 3xs more likely to have suicidal thoughts Kids with MH issues are more likely to use/self-medicate Initially make people feel calm/relaxed Brain likes to do what’s easy so eventually wants more What about vaping Tobacco companies are SO LAME – trying to suck in kids Some kids just the flavoring Not regulated – we don’t know what is in it Lots of kids ARE putting nicotine and weed into the vape All drugs impact the reward center of the brain – putting young people at a greater risk of addiction later in life Rewires/primes the brain for addiction How do we get them to wait???? Relationship is the most powerful tool we have… Share our values… AND – THEY HAVE CRAZY REWARD CENTERS!!! GAH!!! Be present, listen, develop a strong relationship Set clear expectations – bring it up in a variety of ways Continue to bring it back to what their goals are, how might risky behavior get in the way? Help them to “see” the bigger picture Restorative practices: Hold them accountable while offering support What are you getting out of this? What were you thinking? How else can you get thrills? Social connection? Is this a mental health issue? Having these conversations REQUIRES the adults to be in solid relationship with their kids Also, our stuff shows up and gets in the way – fear, rigidity Ok to say, “this is disappointing” “this is hard for me” – they need to know how they are impacting their parents Teens aren’t great with nuance SLEEP MATTERS!! Natural consequences are powerful Boundaries are MESSY How do we balance nurture and structure?? It’s a dance How do we know when it really is a problem? Major changes in physical appearance Personality Participation Peer group changes Public image has changed org – online resources 20-minute guide – helping parents use motivational interviewing 20inuteguide.com Find your people! There is uncertainty and change AND we all have flexible, learning brains – we can be resilient!! Resources:https://the20minuteguide.com/http://www.drugfree.org/Where to find Liz:Birchlanestrategies.com (under-construction) Linked in Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices