Joyful Courage for Parenting Teens

This is a solo show.Today I talk about holding space for having a 15 YEAR OLD!! WHOA!! It's intense. What does this container look like? What does it mean to be present, available and confident.  How to “hold the container” Our response matters What to do becomes more clear when we practice being in the moment, vs in our emo/fear Practice being with our overwhelm without letting it takes us over (observers) Our kids make mistakes BUT WHAT DO WE DO??? Kids do better when they feel better. – Jane NelsenKids want to succeed, they don't always know how. – Ross GreeneA Misbehaving child is a discouraged child. – Rudolf DreikursHumans are always moving towards a sense of belonging and significance, am I connected? Do I matter? – from Aderian TheoryThe most powerful tool you have for influencing behavior is the relationship that you nurture with your child. Choosing into the work of Joyful Courage, which really means being willing to grow and practice awareness, being present to your child and your experience, and hold space for your kids, no matter how they are showing up, THIS will nurture and preserve relationship.Thank you so much for listening today – super DUPER appreciate all you moms and dads out there doing the work of making the world a better place through showing up well for your children!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome, thank you for showing up! Tina Bryson is BACK ON the podcast today!! You all remember Tina from Eps 100 – which happens to be THE most downloaded show to date of this podcast.Tina co-authored two of MY fave parenting books, the whole brain child and no drama discipline with Dan Siegel and she is BACK on the podcast today to talk about her NEW book, the yes brain.I am THRILLED she is back on….Content: The Yes Brain is available NOW Tina is a mama to 17, 14, and 11 year boys Yes brain and no brain approaches A “yes brain” is a mindset of saying yes to the world, open – neurological state, our brain is integrated and linked up… Over time it becomes hardwired A “no brain” is fearful, reactive Prompted by “what are the skills my child needs to be successful?” – Tina and Dan Siegel wanted to go beyond academics and gold stars They need an integrated brain that has a strong/functioning prefrontal cortex Yes Brain has 4 Components: Balance Resilience Insight Empathy Developmental brain/age/temperament matters Tina shares a story about her own son who seemed to be lacking empathy at a young age Brain develops through experience - What we emphasize (as parents) in our interactions create new linking connection in the brain. Use books, shows, and real world experiences to model and draw forth empathy in our kids Trust development, trust that what you are doing will pay off Supporting our children in feeling their feelings – support them as they practice tolerating difficult feelings Normalize difficult feelings… 2-3 tools to put into practice: Sleep!!! When we sleep the brain LITERALLY freshens up Survive emotional dysregulation When kids are at their worst is when they need us the most Co-regulaton – a soothing presence to communicate “you’re safe, I’m here” Build/teach skills to help them regulate themselves – GREEN ZONE Check out Eps 100 to hear Tina dig deeper into this Teach them to understand themselves Rethinking success Our children having an authentic self that they can trust It’s about the journey and not JUST the destination BIGGER than gold stars and academics Eudaimonia – happiness comes from meaning, connection and peaceful contentment Tinabryson.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome, thank you for showing up!Todays topic – what it means to hold the container and get the results you WANTMy experience of big goals and daily intentions/practices – a bit from my conversation with Edna – areas of growth for me around supporting my clients in declaring and creating results in their lives. Overarching goals “What do you want at the end of our work? How will you measure success?” This can be anything from potty trained toddlers (Katie’s reflection)/easier bedtime/deeper relationship with teens (Lorrianes feedback)/less yelling and more loving… Some is easy to measure, some, not so much…. PLUS it is a pendulum swing Many. Small. Steps. It is so important to set goals – that way you know where you are going. Cruise control vs being intentional Being intentional DOES require you to face some hard truths sometimes, to bump up against thoughts/ beliefs / emotions that maybe you have become really skilled at avoiding AND to live the fullest, most authentic life, we must make room for ALL of it – even the stuff that is hard  Setting goals I have weekly, monthly, quarterly and annual goals They all feed into each other The baby steps I take during the week set up my for the monthly goals,etc The ANNUAL GOALS are the container (remember, I mentioned that earlier?)  Living the practice It’s not even really about the goals, it is about the journey TO the goals. It is about going 100% Reference Krista’s blog post about 100% is easy https://boldlyembodylife.com/bold-notes/. It’s every moment of saying yes to the practice we have decided to commit to. “To be responsible, keep your promises to others, to be successful, keep your promises to yourself.” – Marie Forleo what this means to me…. Yes to myself for myself GRATITUDE Get yours at https://boldlyembodylife.com/word-of-the-year-2018/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome, thank you for showing up!Content:My guest today is Lori Petro. Lori is passionate about conscious parenting and was a guest on Episode 62. She is an advocate for children and families, a parent educator, mama and founder of Teach Through Love. Lori’s journey began as being a misunderstood kid… Followed by HAVING a child and wanting to provide her with something different than what she experienced Lori is a creator/artist at heart wanting to created compassion and understanding in our communication with each other Inspired to create a better world for her kid and everyone else to live in Conscious communication cards Conscious communication – supporting parents in taking their understanding of conscious parenting into the language and way of being they bring to their relationships Staying present and leaving the blame, shame, judgment and guilt behind Communication includes messages we deliver with what we SAY, as well as what we DON’T say, our tone, our body language – we are always sending messages Parents do TO the children to get them to be what we want them to be…. It’s about allowing our kids HAVE THE EXPERIENCE and learning from there SEEING our children in their emotion/experience They are there to provoke us in our own self awareness Listening to understand…. Lean in to understanding our children’s experience and what it is like to BE them… (Lori shares lip gloss story) Otherwise we miss the fullness of what is their life (Casey shares crop top story) Not about saying the perfect right thing, it’s about continuing the conversation with our kids around the places where we want a deeper understanding Tell me more about that… It’s bigger than the make-up and the crop top Opens up conversation Conversations to understand vs conversation that are ultimately begun to convince our kids that we are right and they are wrong 20:40 Aware of when our agenda of fear is clouding their experience of growing into their own maturity Conscious parenting is not one long negotiation Being firm is a piece of it Be ok when kids don’t like the boundary Conscious communication cards Came from ideas that Lori posted on line every week Developed into a model for her parenting program Stress/skills/support Am I looking to help my child regulate? (stress) Am I trying to help my child build and emerging skill? (skills) Am I trying to mend/repair relationship? (support) Divided into two section Behaviors/words to avoid Examples of what to say/directions to go in Target cards What you can look for to find the root cause of behavior 5 steps for peaceful resolution Parents use the cards in many different ways Post them in their world Sit with them at the end of the day and review them IT’S A PRACTICE Daily Progress not perfection (even for Lori) Our brains never stop developing and we can always learn new skills We still have not great parenting moments but we OWN IT Lori shares about her personal practices Finding work/life balance Meditation DAILY mindfulness Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

SOLO SHOWContext – we all have the power and the skills to be the parent we want to be A recent post from the Live and Love with Joyful Courage community:Can we talk about sharing our big feelings with our kids?My kids are 2.5 and 4.5yo, and I don't know how to share my big feelings in front of them without freaking them out. I want to be able to be my full and authentic self with them, in an age appropriate way. And I realize, the fact that they are upset when I am upset means that they are afraid of my big feelings and may be afraid of their own big feelings. We try to welcome their big feelings (tantrums, disappointment, etc.) but I think we do a miserable job at it.Compounding this, I am someone with explosive emotions. I tend to feel things very deeply and it takes me time to calm down. I have worked hard to make sure I don't express those emotions in a negative or scary way. But instead I most often bottle them up, which isn't good either.Celebrating awareness. Celebrating emotional intelligence. Celebrating authenticity. Celebrating personal responsibility.Misconceptions (in general): not ok for our children to see us upset not ok for our children to FEEL upset they’re being naughty they’re manipulating they’re learning “bad behavior” welcoming big feelings is the same as condoning hurtful behavior This is a POWERFUL example of what I think is the PURPOSE of parenting:to grow into our best selvesChildren are mirrors not mimics instead, provide a reflection of how we effect the world, what our impact is, what we are inviting Children/parenting journey is an invitation recognizing conditioning recognizing what our “driver” is recognize commitment vs attachment Committed to being a connected parent vs attachment to what that looks like (slippery, perfectionism, comparison)  Children/parenting journey is unrelenting The lessons come every day, moment to moment The growth is like peeling an onion There is no where to ARRIVE Child/parenting journey is an opportunity to grow I can’t say this enough Where are your hard edges? Where is there room for self growth? Where can flexibility show up inside of rigidity “I am someone with explosive emotions.” We are ALWAYS evolving What can we learn about ourselves? What can we practice that will be more helpful and less hurtful? How can we deliver our experiences and be heard? How can we create a PRACTICE that honors us and our experience while also models the life skills we want our children to one day embody? Practices are UNIQUE and INDIVIDUAL The myth of “balance” Assumptions about our “roles” Taking care of ourselves and our own self-regulation, in the end, will do more to teach our children and influence their behavior than any tool you can find in a book or the internet.You’ve got this! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome Mercedes Samudio. For almost a decade, Mercedes has been working with families to help them develop healthy communication skills, manage severe emotional issues, develop coping skills to manage behaviors, create dynamic parent-child relationships, and navigate social media & technology as a family.Throughout the course of her career she has worked with adoptive families, foster families, teen parents, parents navigating the child protective services system, and children living with mental illness.In 2014, Mercedes began to transition into her private practice where she focuses on parent coaching and guiding families to reducing unwanted behaviors, developing effective parenting strategies, creating healthy communication habits, and designing social media/tech plans for their household.Content: Mercedes talks about her background experience with teen parents Supporting parents in being confident in their ever evolving parenting identity Where #endparentshaming came from Others/media offering mixed judgments – no one changes when they feel shame/unsafe Movement to get people to see that even when others are doing things you don’t agree with, how to step into empathy to see where they need support People doing the best they can with the tools they have Shame as a defense to our own discomfort “Raising a human while trying to be authentically human yourself” You are bigger than your parent role Take time to focus on self and partner as a tool for surrendering to what your child’s current challenge is When we focus solely on our child’s mistakes, all we see are their mistakes Bring the skills/areas of other parts of our life into the parts that feel a bit shakey 10,000 feet view We have our own shame conversations…. Reframe the expectations you have of yourself Example: how do you deal with things when you are angry? What do I need, what can I do for myself? How can I use my support system to help me? The misperception that conscious parenting shouldn’t be hard Conscious parenting requires us to be conscious parenting 18:30 quote People are attached to their shame – the stories feel familiar Figure out what your stories are that take you to shame People grow and change in space that is free from shame and judgement Considering FOO – Family Of Origin Write down why these relationships matter to you Still want connection… Let them know WHY you want to stay connected (be specific) Then, share what it is that you are going to be practicing and invite the family member into supporting you Ask for alignment CONNECT BEFORE CORRECT (not just for kids J ) Set you boundaries to keep YOUR bucket full for YOU family Shameproof Parenting by Mercedes How to build support with other parents and non parents A shame proof village! What does Joyful Courage mean to you?Being able to find joy even in the times when it’s not happening... I’m still showing up.Where to find Mercedes: Website l You Tube Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Content:What it means to be intentional Bringing qualities to OUR body and OUR experience Present moment is key Awareness is grown through practice  Getting hooked Our kids behavior as bids The lob Passing on the uncomfortable energy to someone else that can hold it Development Listening, Acceptance and Courage Others – what is being said, isn’t being said, body, etc Self – get still and listen to our inner voice, NOT THE EGO, but the voice that is deeper What is your current story about yourself and your family? Is it true? Byron Katie – turn it around Is it true Finding evidence Accept that this is where you are at. Noticing urgency/frantic energy Unless there is an emergency, this is not helpful BBB Breath Body Balcony Courage to trust Follow your intuition Let it go/surrender Trust the people in your life Trust the process Trust that the people in your life want to live their best life too Making decisions for ourselves VS against the other person/expectation Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Guest Intro:Dr. Robin McEvoy is a developmental neuropsychologist practicing in Denver, Colorado. She evaluates and diagnoses a wide range of learning disabilities and learning needs in children, adolescents and adults. This includes the identification of reading disabilities such as dyslexia. She then works with the family to develop a treatment plan to remediate the weaknesses and accentuate strengths. In addition to her private practice, Dr. McEvoy is an assistant professor at the University of Colorado Health Sciences Center. Dr. McEvoy has authored a children’s book, Buddy: A Story for Dyslexia (illustrated by her daughter). She is the co-author/editor of the recently published book, Child Decoded: Unlocking Complex Issues in Your Child’s Learning, Behavior, and Attention.Content: Child Decoded – inspired by the tough expectations and increase in labeling/diagnoses of academic/social development. Using a master checklist as a guide for finding what it is they need Checklist is a triage Looking under the surface – physical/biomedical limitations Diet and gut and neurons Parents navigating all the services for their children with complex issues – and feeling as though no one else can “see” their child the way that they can Gather evidence with video and photo to share information about your child Child Decoded fills that gap for parents to go from “I have worries” to restarting when parents feeling stuck in the treatment/not sure what to do or where to go next Modify the environment vs supporting our kids in living in the “real world” Paradigm shift – we can be seeing every child in a more holistic way, look at every child as an individual… Mind AND body Current lens – we tend to treat at the symptom level with the “quickest” approach (lots of times with meds) Sometimes the answer is really simple Complimentary/Alternative medicine Both/and mindset… so many solutions in both western and eastern medicine Putting together the team – who is needed? How do you support parents with overwhelm and loneliness as they advocate for their kids…? Find support on the internet/social media – be proactive in seeking out support Breathe – complex issues or not, you are in this for the long haul What does Joyful Courage mean to you?“Know that you have more experience with your child than anyone else… You know your child the best. Have faith in your child, have faith in yourself.”Robinmcevoy.com l Childdecoded.comBlog l FB – Dr. Robin McEvoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Intro Sharing: Thank you, listeners!! Honored to serve you… Mother’s Journey recap – Seattle, Portland, Boise Orange County, East Hampton, St. Paul – 2018 Mother’s Journey locations Boldly Embody Life – Krista Petty Raimer, Grace, Elevate When I am a yes to trusting, surrender and presence is already there Visioning for 2018 :::::Sponsor:Thank you, Lovepop!Enjoy a discount when you buy 5 or more cards and free shipping on all orders when you go to www.lovepop.com/joyful:::::Content:Personal Responsibility and Natural Consequences Natural consequences are what happens when we stay out of the way – they occur when we let things unfold What do we want most for our kids? What are our desired outcomes for this whole process of parenting? Reference to a poll on my personal FB page Who lets their 14 year old daughter hang out in her room with her boyfriend? Two lists activity from Positive Discipline class The only place that our kids can develop life skills is inside of experience… and in relationship with a healthy adults supports that as well… Their experiences inspire and inform future decisions There is a lot learning that we are robbing our children of because we are getting in the way Parents internal experience takes over Mindfulness matters when we are supporting our kids in developing personal responsibility Natural consequences happens when adults don’t get in the way This is a dance – boundaries are respectful kids need them, we need them Kids need to feel the tension Mistakes allow natural consequences – when we let them feel the consequences that show up, that we aren’t IMPOSING there is lots of room to learn Example – homework Help them to expand their perspective of what THEY want Check your assumptions… and check in with your child Humans LONG to be listened to, seen Kids learn personal responsibility through experiencing having the opportunity to BE personally responsible What matters is the relationship – bonded in unconditional love and mutual respect Allow the natural consequence the power that they have Our kids want to feel connected, as though they matter and that they have influence Tools: co-creating routines and agreements, loosen up, ask questions, check your unspoken messaging, family meetings joyfulcourage.com/family-meeting-ecourse We all want our kids to grow into cooperative, contributing adult living good lives What already exists when they make mistakes is powerful! Coming up next week – talking with Robin Sabbag about raising a teen daughter.Sign up for the newsletter – www.joyfulcourage.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

My guest today is Tosha Schore, M.A. Tosha brings a burst of energy and optimism to parenting, and will lift your parenting confidence! She is an expert at simple solutions to what feel like overwhelmingly complicated problems. A sought after coach, author and speaker, Tosha is committed to creating a more peaceful world, one sweet boy at a time. Through her online and in-person offerings, she supports parents to care for themselves, connect with their boys deeply, set limits lovingly, and play wildly. Tosha is a trainer of Hand in Hand Parenting and co-author with the organization's founder, Patty Wipfler, of "Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Challenges." She is also creator of the wildly popular "Parenting Boys Peacefully! A FREE 10-Day Reconnect," and the new online course, "Out With Aggression!" You can find Tosha on her website, www.toshaschore.com, and on FB at Tosha Schore, Your Partner In Parenting Boys.Content: Raising boys in these days of toxic masculinity Taking a hard look at the ways that men are conditioned Creating a more peaceful world, one sweet boy at a time The question of how to help our boys grow into emotionally intelligent men who don’t see women as objects is worldwide How to help our boys grow up to be peaceful – Huff Post article Move beyond the anger and the fear to what we can DO Opportunity shows up in raising our boys We need to teach our boys that there are lots of ways to be close that aren’t sexual It’s ok to talk, cuddle, hold hands – lots of ways of being intimate Documentary of The Mask You Live InNot giving permission to boys for having intimate friendships with other boys Navigating the jockeying for power among boys Redefining what it means to be masculine What is being modeled in the homes for our boys? Increase our own emotional intelligence and pay attention to how we navigate and model our own upset Boys being encouraged to stuff their emotions Not comfortable with allowing our boys the time and space to have feelings Help them feel comfortable with their full array of emotions – not just anger Popular culture isn’t helpful Advocate/ Fight for the right of our boys to have feelings AND advocate for them to make mistakes and learn from them When our boys make mistakes we need to help them Talk about music lyrics and porn and do it when they are YOUNG Amy Lang – parent educator, parenting through our children’s sexual development Start talking to your boys Don’t let your discomfort get in the way of letting our boys be their whole selves Amy’s short video about having convos about sexual harassment/assault with our kids Talking to our kids about standing up to friends who are harassing others Seize opportunities for modeling/showing them what it looks like to “do what’s right” Story of masculinity inside of supporting a woman on Reddit Acknowledging that standing up for what is right is challenging!! Teachable moments are when they make mistakes and getting into mischief Final thoughts – “hurt people hurt people” – boys and men are hurting and therefore hurting others… when we help them heal from their hurts, we are solving the problem Where to find Tosha:www.toshaschore.com10 day reconnect parenting boys peacefullywww.listenthebook.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices