Let's Parent on Purpose: Christian Marriage, Parenting, and Discipleship

We’ve all been there. Life gets to be so overwhelming that we start using words like “stress” and “anxiety” to describe the way it makes us feel. What can be done about it? How do we unpack, rearrange, or maybe eliminate the heavy boxes in our lives? My friend and Christian Counselor, Brian Neal, joins me again today to share wisdom on the matter. A father of six, husband of 28 years, and Marriage and Family counselor, Brian provides a few strategies for tackling these stacks. (Click here to listen to Brian’s previous interview in episode 122, “How Can We Benefit from Counseling.”) Show Highlights Who is my returning guest, Brian Neal? Brian is a Christian Marriage and Family counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida. Brian has an office in Palm Beach Gardens, and also provides online counseling to Florida residents via True Course Counseling. What is one of the most common areas of need for Christian counseling? Emotional stress and feelings of being overwhelmed. Teens, parents, families all have more and more piled on their plates these days. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America says, “Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S. affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older.” This is over 18% of the population. Is the term “mental illness” always appropriate? Isn’t anxiety something that can be chemical/genetic or circumstantial? How are they differentiated? Anxiety and stress can be viewed on a spectrum. For some, there is a chemical origin, and for others, it may be circumstantial. If panic attacks keep a person from functioning, you may be crossing into the anxiety disorder part of the spectrum (mental illness). Differentiating is often attempted by looking at an individual’s beliefs of themselves, their environment, and their past. Was there a traumatic event? A broken relationship? Etc. The stressors in our lives can be likened to 20lb boxes. Each box contains a different area of stress. If a person is figuratively carrying multiple 20lb boxes, and then given an additional one while being expected to carry out their day-to-day tasks, they’d feel overwhelmed. The pressure would mount, and stress and anxiety would begin to take over. The first strategy for managing stress and anxiety is to identify what your boxes are and what is making them so heavy. Most often the boxes have labels like work, children, family issues, illness, finances, etc. Sometimes, the heaviest box cannot be changed (terminal illness, for example). However, the smaller boxes can be rearranged or eliminated by dealing with them intentionally. The next step is to begin looking at each box one-by-one. Can the box be dropped from 20lb to 10 or 5lb? If the load is a little lighter, carrying the boxes that can’t be changed will be more manageable. Take a piece of paper and list all of your daily activities. Next to each activity, list how much time you spend on it. This will give you a picture of how busy you really are. Look at the times you’ve written down. Now identify which of those activities you think negatively about. Quickly, you’ll see where your heart is and what is hurting it. This is what defines a heavy box. After you’ve identified a box, take steps to address the problem. Do you need to have a conversation with someone? Say “no” or step down from something? Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Be intentional about living in community with others (like a church small group). These are the people you can, and should, ask for advice. Remember, while you don’t have to take the advice you’re given, it’s better than not asking at all. It’s best to seek advice from multiple people, and include non-family members. A second exercise for identifying and managing stress and anxiety is to create a timeline of positive and negative experiences. Get a piece of paper. Make a line that starts with “childhood” and ends with “present.” Then, list all the positive experiences you can think of on the top of the line, and all of the negative experiences on the bottom of the line. This exercise is great for helping individuals identify the potential root for current stressors. Find someone to talk through the timeline with – often times this will result in remembering additional details. Sometimes, these critical details prove to be the key to it all. Recurrent areas of stress and anxiety: finances, sex, in-laws, and communication. Identifying the issues within these categories won’t solve them, but all it takes to get started is intentional communication. Seek balance in your life, and actively prioritize “margin”. Is your day maxed out with errands, obligations, extracurriculars for the kids? When you look at your boxes, is Jesus in one of them? With no margin, no room to breathe each day, every day will be a struggle. Jesus should not be one of your boxes. Instead, you need to prioritize time with Him; abide in Him. Jesus, and our time with Him, is to be our source of rest, not a source of stress.   Thank you to my patreon supporters!  You are making the show notes and production of the show possible!  If you believe in Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can support the show for as little as $1 an episode. Tweet This What boxes are in your stack? Click To Tweet With no margin, there's no ability to put yourself in a place to even listen to your spouse or kids. Click To Tweet Relationship with Jesus is NOT one more box. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Click here to download my free Fun Family Conversations eBook. Free to Focus by Michael Hyatt

Today, I’m talking to the guys. But ladies, I think you will be blessed by the conversation today, too. I hope you’ll join me as I talk about ways husbands can help their wives when they’re overwhelmed. I’m going to provide tools and solutions that you can implement right away, and I encourage you to share these with others. This is the next podcast in my You Ask It, I Answer It series. To view the last episode, click here. Show Highlights When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, listen first without jumping to a solution. Men and women have been designed by God to communicate in distinctly different ways. A study was done where the brains of men and women were scanned while a story with a problem was told. For the women, the empathy section of their mind remained engaged throughout the story. Women are able to work out problems by verbalizing, sharing, and receiving emotional sympathy. Able to fix it themselves, often. For the men, the “fix it” section of their mind lit up rapidly. Men are wired to provide solutions and fix things. Men, stay engaged. Don’t jump to problem-solving mode. When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, ask questions. Ask your wife about the specifics of the situation. Often, women are able to work out their problems by verbalizing, sharing, and receiving emotional sympathy. When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, acknowledge the emotions of the situation. You can positively impact a conversation, and encourage her, by expressing thoughts like, “I bet that is really frustrating” or “You must have been really hurt by that.” Try to imagine the feelings you would have if you were walking through the situation. Emotions are 100% accurate in telling us how we’re interpreting the situation. They are not 100% accurate in describing reality. Acknowledging her emotions can help to diffuse them. When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, encourage the good you see her doing. Share observations like, “I know you’re overwhelmed, but I see you doing [fill in the blank] really well.” When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, and you can’t help but think of a solution: Ask your wife this question: “Would it help you for me to listen and talk this through with you, or would you like help in finding a solution?” When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, pray with her. Before you do anything, pray together. Pray the peace of God on her life, that she would see where Jesus is working and moving, that God would intervene, for strength, endurance, and Jesus’s glory. When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, memorize Scripture. Specifically, Matthew 6:25-34.   As always, thank you to my patreon supporters!  You are making the show notes and production of the show possible!   Tweet This Emotions are 100% accurate in telling us how we’re interpreting the situation. They are not 100% accurate in describing reality. Click To Tweet Men, stay engaged. Click To Tweet Has god given me the grace for today? What makes me think when I wake up tomorrow morning that He will not give me grace for tomorrow? Click To Tweet   Resources Mentioned Fun Family Conversations eBook.

What if my primary love language is not physical touch and my spouse’s is?  Spouses can each experience love differently, but to have a healthy marriage, it’s vital to learn how to love your spouse in the ways they receive love.   Listen to this episode to grow in your understanding of the importance of physical touch, learn how to actively love your spouse better even if physical touch isn’t your primary love language, and even learn about the many benefits of physical touch. Show Highlights The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman: Quality Time Physical Touch Words of Affirmation Acts of Service Gifts The premise is that we tend to give love in one or two primary ways, and we tend to receive love in one or two primary ways.  Conflict arises in marriage often when we give love in a way that isn’t the primary way my spouse is looking to receive it. When it comes to physical touch, it sounds simple when you don’t have a problem with it.  Issues could come from: abuse, past physical relationships, sensory issues, etc. Get therapy.  Pay for it.  Get the help you need.  You’ve committed to this person until death do you part.  Spend generously to invest in making this is a healthy, fruitful marriage that’s a blessing to you and the world. Important scenarios to consider – My definition of love is that “I am out for your best” -> agape love / unconditional love You’re it.  YOU are the outlet for your spouse’s physical affection.  Kids, pets, and friends do not replace spousal touch.  Commit to being the best spouse you can be.  Be open, be honest, ask questions. What if your aversion is because you’re interpreting every instance of physical touch as an advancement towards sex? Sometimes this happens because physical touch is so rare, and sex is so rare, it’s actually the case. Be liberal and generous with your touch. Don’t resent the fact that your spouse wants to have sex with you.  A lot.  When you were dating, it might have been really hard to keep your hands off one another, and you were happy when they were physically attracted to you. Benefits of physical touch from www.getold.com/4-ways-physical-touch-keeps-you-healthy It creates a sense of security.  When you receive positive physical touch, your skin’s nerve endings send a message to your brain that you are safe and secure. It reduces stress.  A chemical reaction tells your body to relax.  Touch stimulates oxytocin, which calms and facilitates bonding. It improves heart health.  It reduces blood pressure and lowers pulse, which puts less stress on your heart. It may help you avoid catching colds and the flu.  Lowering your cortisol increase your ability to fight disease. Whether it’s a cuddle with your partner or a heartfelt hug with your kids, the simple act of touch can brighten a bad day, help you relax, and even fight off illnesses.  If you’re not making time for it, you’re missing out on the one of the easiest and quickest ways to improve your overall well-being. Do everything you can to meet your spouse’s need for physical touch because you’re out for their best.  Do all you can so they look to you as their spouse for the things they are supposed to look to you for. Homework today: Give affirming, positive physical touch to your spouse.  Hug your kids. Tweet This Whether it’s a cuddle with your partner or a heartfelt hug with your kids, the simple act of touch can brighten a bad day, help you relax, and even fight off illnesses.  If you’re not making time for it, you’re missing out on the one of the easiest and quickest ways to improve your overall well-being. Resources Mentioned The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs Love and Sex: Four Ways Physical Touch Keeps You Healthy by Diana Kelly Hands On Research: The Science of Touch by Berkeley University

We each have different bents; what’s important to us many times looks different for each spouse – a clean house, an organized garage, etc.  There will be plenty of trials in life that you have no control over so why not just strengthen the areas you DO have control over?  Join me today as I discuss some practical tools in loving your spouse through actions and filling in the gaps with grace.  We may not always be drawn to serve or lift each other up, but we find that sprinkling undeserved favor into our most important relationships brings life to everyone involved. Show Highlights How do I, as a man, know that the house is messy?  My wife says she needs help, but I don’t know what to do. Different environments, different bents. Specificity drives accountability; accountability drives performance. Ask for a checklist.  Ask for responsibility on specific spheres, and for your spouse to train you on what he/she would like you to do. Vague instructions give ambiguous results. Can you explain “Fill in the gap with grace”? Give the benefit of the doubt If there are two possible ways to interpret something, and one way least condemning of the other person, do your best to assume the best. Most actions weren’t taken to specifically hurt you. Often our stupid and sinful actions are a result of Focalism.  Focalism (sometimes called the focusing illusion) is the tendency for people to give too much weight to one particular piece of information when making judgements and predictions.  By focusing too much on one thing (the focal event or hypothesis), people tend to neglect other important considerations and end up making inaccurate judgments as a result. Even if actions were specifically to hurt you, rather than being angry or vindictive, we should be curious. Remember Galatians 6:1-5.  Our aim is restoration. Grace is undeserved favor. Sprinkle undeserved favor into your most important relationships As a child of God, you are an agent of reconciliation. It’s about seeking to love, serve, and lift each other up; it’s about striving to give more than what’s deserved. Tweet This Specificity drives accountability; accountability drives performance. Click To Tweet If there are two possible ways to interpret something, and one way least condemning of the other person, do your best to choose the least condemning interpretation. Click To Tweet Behavior should make us curious. Click To Tweet Sprinkle undeserved favor into your most important relationships. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Click Here to Download a free 52 week Scripture Memory PDF!

One out of every three families in the United States is some form of blended family. Many have asked for wisdom on how to make their blended families work. Today I bring in the two wisest people I know on the subject: my dad and mom! Dan and Pat Holland are 45 years into their second marriage, and share a lifetime of wisdom from raising a family of 5 children. Show Highlights Intro to my parents dating and marriage What it was like in the 60s and 70s to be a divorced Christian in the church What we thought the biggest challenges of a blended family would be vs our actual biggest challenges How we handled two completely sets of rules and family dynamics – challenges for both parents and the kids Step-mom as primary caregiver and dad working Step-parent feeling authority to manage the home Discipline as a step-parent Dealing with feelings of guilt as a parent some parents try to overcompensate with rules or gifts how we kept from overcompensating showing our children we love them vs trying to buy our child’s love Giving our kids and step kids a place to call home The blended family dynamic made mom want to quit If we could go back in a time machine and give step-parent advice: develop a positive relationship with your spouse’s ex never use the kids as a weapon against your ex take the challenges to God instead of trying to work it all out by myself Resources www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges

What if you could figure out how to take your family around the world to experience people and culture beyond the basic tourist experience? My new friend Susan Whitehead has spent the last several years traveling the world, even living in foreign countries, with her family of 8. All of this started with a one way ticket to Costa Rica and $3,000 in the bank. Along the way, she’s figured out how to master planes, rentals, and cultures while her family experiences the world that goes much deeper than tourist attractions. You’ll be inspired and learn some tricks of your own from our conversation today. Click Here to Download my free 52 week Scripture Memory PDF! Show Highlights How Susan and her family of 7 (before the bonus baby), struggling financially,  started realizing that they could move overseas and live for half the expense of living where they were in Tampa, FL The life-changing moment when her landlord showed up at the door with a peach pie and a bow Selling 15 years worth of possessions in just 3 months of yard sales Taking off to Costa Rica with one-way tickets and $3,000 in the bank Living in Costa Rica for 6 months Living in Mexico for 1 year Her husband working in Afghanistan for 1 year while she had their “bonus baby” Traveling Europe for 3 months traveling around in a purchased old taxi van Her husband taking a job in The United Arab Emirates, living in the UAE with her family for 6 months Each of her children getting to pair down their life keepsakes to one box How pairing down their life possessions to travel the world has freed her family from the grip of material possessions, even after they are back in the United States The benefit of finding houses to rent long term vs. hotel rooms (example – they rented a 3 bedroom home with utilities and internet for $650 per month in Costa Rica Check out www.airbnb.com Check out www.vrbo.com Are you willing to house sit and care for someone’s pet?  Try https://www.trustedhousesitters.com Tax benefits of long term travel – The Foreign Income Tax Credit How you can experience world cultures and foods through the deli section of grocery stores for MUCH cheaper than eating out Learning how to pick up side jobs through the internet to help you sustain living overseas (check out www.upwork.com) Getting to have a housekeeper and a groundskeeper in their rental, pay them very well by in-country standards! Being invited to neighbor’s deep family traditions and religious ceremonies Her children’s vastly different perspective on world culture and understanding other religions Seeing OUR culture with fresh eyes The joy of experiencing local church in other cultures Tips for how YOUR family can try extended travel (3-5 weeks of international travel) Get your passports Understand that a round trip ticket is NOT more expensive for longer stays (subscribe to www.pomelotravel.com to have amazing international airline deals sent to your inbox) When you pick your country, find THEIR local “airbnb” and you’ll get much better deal Travel in the offseason to get much better deals Consider house sitting – www.trustedhousesitters.com Shop in local grocery stores, avoid eating out. When you stay in homes, they have kitchens! Let your children pick bucket list items with each of the places you go When you are at a yard sale and you're dying as your favorite possessions being bargained down from a quarter to ten cents, you realize that you don't own your stuff. Your stuff owns you. Click To Tweet Stepping out on faith does not mean it's going to look anything like you think it will look or have asked it to look. That doesn't mean that God is any less faithful. Click To Tweet One of my favorite family memories is eating french baguettes and feeding the birds in front of the Eiffel Tower. - Susan Whitehead Click To Tweet One of our big goals with family travel was to teach our children to truly love other people. - Susan Whitehead Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned http://www.SusanWhitehead.com/travel is a free audio I recorded on how travel can deepen your faith. http://www.wanderlustfamilies.com is Susan’s personal blog, with lots of great family and travel info. https://pomelotravel.com is an insanely great email service that sends you cut rate prices on major airlines to routes around the world. Within 1 week of learning about Pomelo from Susan, I saved over $1,500 total off of the plane tickets for our church mission trip group to Spain. www.upwork.com is a great way to pick up money through side jobs.

Whether your children have phones and iPads or not, they are massively influenced by social media because of the culture we live in. It can be scary. But you’re still the parent, and you get to have the biggest influence in your child’s life. Youth Pastor and podcast host Aaron Mamuyac, student pastor and host of the We Think God is Awesome Podcast,  joins me to discus ways we can make sure that we are still capturing the heart of our children. Click Here if you’d like to download a copy of my 52 week Scripture Memory Tool. As always, thank yo so much to my Patreon Supporters! These show notes and the extra microphones for my interview are from your generous support! Show Highlights Technology immigrants vs. technology natives The social engineering behind the addictive nature of games Technology as a force for good as well as evil Tweens average 6.5 hours a day exposure to media. Teens average more than 6.5 hours a day. The brain development of a child, referencing Episode 97 The Radically Changing World of a Preteen with Dan Scott The role of behavioral scientist in developing social media apps You facebook, instagram, and social media feeds are uniquely designed for you, to keep you on the app longer. Age aspiration – where a 13 year old desires to be a 17 year old and is targeted with adds from Cosmo, etc. exhausting that lifestyle.  At the same time, the 30-40 year olds are targeted with marketing that makes them want to look like 20 year olds again. Age compression – an 8 year old has to deal with sexuality and identity The fragile psyche that develops from the narcissistic, self oriented world of social media likes and follows The emotional tailspin that happens when “normal” hard things hit someone who lives comparing their lives to the false narrative of everyone else’s life The 3 aspects of Social media: Curation, Fabrication, Promotion The core of the problem – sin. It’s breaking relationships. How can you have real relationships when you’re putting up false images of yourself? 3 Fears: People will see me, people will reject me, people with hurt me The Solution of the gospel – forgiveness, identity, and belonging. How to have more influence than social media in your children’s life: Social media is a megaphone. What’s louder than a megaphone? A whisper of a parent in the ear of their child. Determining a strategy for how much time and access your children will have to phones and iPads. Start with a phone and text. No passwords, no social media. Go slow with introducing new apps on a phone. Very slow. Extremely slow. Even slower than that. When your kids are younger, you want to think for them, when they are older, you have to train them to think for themselves. Be curious about their social media, their friends social media. Scroll with them, ask questions, refrain from judgment of their friends, because your children are gauging how safe they are with  you by the way you react to their friend’s sin and foolishness. Tweet This The very sounds on candy crush were engineered for addiction. We grossly underestimate how impactful games and social media are. Click To Tweet Sins introduced in the developmental time of our teenage years become hardwired in our brain, and can be struggles we wrestle with for life. Click To Tweet Your social media app feeds are engineered specifically to target you, because they make more money the longer you stay on their app. But it creates a narcissistic identity where the world is revolving around you. Click To Tweet The reality of Social Media: it's NOT reality! Click To Tweet Social media is a megaphone. What's louder than a megaphone? A whisper of a parent in the ear of their child. Click To Tweet If you give your child a phone, and don't realize that within 1 year your child will be a better expert on phones than you, you're fooling yourself. It's your brain vs. the crowdsourced minds of every classmate your child has. Click To Tweet It's hard for me to tell my children to get off the phone, get off the iPad, get off the TV, when I'm on it. Click To Tweet     Resources Mentioned Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other by Sherry Turkle When People are Big and God is Small by Ed Welch Let’s Parent on Purpose Episode 97 The Radically Changing World of a Preteen with Dan Scott https://www.CPYU.ORG The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement The Tech Wise Family Aaron’s first childhood tech love – http://www.neopets.com Aaron Mamuyac, Sunlight Church, Port Saint Lucie Website: https://www.sunlightcc.org God is Awesome Podcast God is Awesome on Facebook Try you first book on Audible for free: https://www.audible.com/letsparentonpurpose

Goals are great, but goals alone don’t change much. Until you have a process or a system, goals are just opportunities for disappointment. Today I am going to share why it’s much more important to define and love your process than it is to live and die by goal setting. Click Here if you’d like to download a copy of my 52 week Scripture Memory Tool. This is the third podcast in my series on Habits and Transformation 124 The Surprising Power of Small Changes 125 How to Start or Stop Any Habit Show Highlights Biblical Foundation 7 But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. 12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained.  Philippians 3:7-16 Live by the goal, die by the goal –  The downside of setting goals We usually set our goals and are inclined to make big things happen to achieve these goals. Doing this isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it is tiring and exhausting. At times, we end up feeling burned out, and worse, frustrated when we don’t see the results we wish. Often times, we ignore the little improvements, thinking it will not make an impact. What we do not realize is that the little improvements, when put together, can create a great impact. It might not make a noticeable difference at first, but in the long run, you will notice the big difference it makes. You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems. Click To Tweet Goals are good for setting a direction, but systems are best for making progress. Click To Tweet A better way Think of a goal Ask yourself “what would be the actions and behaviors of a person who has made it to that goal. Distill it down to the smallest possible successful behavior Use what you’ve learned about habits to do that behavior Every time you do that behavior, you’re casting a vote for yourself that you are that kind of person. – You don’t need a unanimous decision, just a majority of votes. This is where your understanding of getting 1% better as well as your understanding of starting or replacing habits really comes in.  When you fall in love with the process rather than the product, you don’t have to wait to give yourself permission to be happy. You can be satisfied anytime your system is running. Click To Tweet Example 1 – God has declared you holy. You don’t feel holy. What would a devoted follower of Jesus do? Example 2 – What would a great dad do? Example 3 – What would a healthy family do? Loving the Process: Do what works Avoid tiny losses Measure backwards – celebrate success and course correct You will be in process until the day you’re with Jesus.  God is in the process. Learn to celebrate the goodness of God in the victories and the grace of God in the failures.  When I feel really stuck with a parenting conundrum, I find it helpful to ask 'what would a great dad do?' Then I do my best to do that. Click To Tweet I want to hear from you! Reach out to me and let me know what you think! www.facebook.com/letsparentonpurpose www.instagram.com/letsparentonpurpose www.twitter.com/jaydholland Resources Mentioned Atomic Habits by James Clear The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg If you like this episode, you might also enjoy Creating a Summer Growth Plan with my friend Brent Gibson You might also like one of my blogs The Best Habit You Can Learn This Year  

As my friend always says, “your habits are perfectly suited to give you the life you are living.” If you want to change your life, change your habits. In this week’s podcast, I share steps for starting, starting, or replacing any habit. Learn to master this in your own life and you will be primed to unleash the power of habit in your family! This is the second of a three part series I am doing on transformation through intentional habit change. You’re welcome to jump right in to today’s podcast, but if you find it helpful, you’ll want to check out my last episode –The Surprising Power of Small Changes Show Highlights Biblical Foundation Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Colossians 3:9-10 Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. Habits are powerful God wired your body to run on habit.  “Habits reduce cognitive load and free up mental capacity, so you can allocate your attention to other tasks.” James Clear  Habits work like compound interest Habits are like the atoms of our lives. Each one is a fundamental unit that contributes to your overall improvement. Click To Tweet Part of the process of Discipleship is going form accidental to intentional habits. We don’t choose our earliest habits, we imitate them. Click To Tweet “We don’t choose our earliest habits, we imitate them.” Click To Tweet The 4 Parts of a habit – James Clear The Cue The Craving The Response The Reward James Duhigg combines the Cue and Craving to describe a three part Habit Cycle. “This process within our brains is a three-step loop. First, there is a cue, a trigger that tells your brain to go into automatic mode and which habit to use. Then there is the routine, which can be physical or mental or emotional. Finally, there is a reward, which helps your brain figure out if this particular loop is worth remembering for the future: THE HABIT LOOP” As time goes on, an interesting thing happens. Your brain starts to associate your response (routine) with the reward. Eventually The Response becomes the Reward! How to start any habit Cue – Make it obvious Craving – Make it Attractive Response – Make it Easy Reward – Make it Satisfying Willpower isn’t just a skill. It’s a muscle, like the muscles in your arms or legs, and it gets tired as it works harder, so there’s less power left over for other things. Click To Tweet Breaking a habit – you can’t just stop a habit, you have to replace.  2 practices Cue – Make it Invisible Craving – Make it Unattractive Response – Make it Difficult Reward – Make it Unsatisfying. The Golden Rule of Habit Change: You can't extinguish a bad habit, you can only change it. Click To Tweet Duhigg’s method Identify the cue Replace the routine Give an immediate reward.  Habit Stacking – pair a new habit with a current habit, or make one habit the cue for the next habbit in a series of habbits Example – Morning Routine  Wake up  Make Bed Brush Teeth Read my verse of the day taped to my mirror Stretch and breathe Think and pray through big parts of your day, inviting Jesus in Shower/get dressed. Most Powerful Habits for Parents Lauren Tamm 1. Boundaries – set boundaries to help your kids thrive.  2. Routines – Set routines. This will help the kids stay grounded and self-control and feel relaxed. Morning, mealtime, bedtime 3. Early bedtimes – getting enough sleep helps the kids’ brain development.  4. Empathy –  “Empathy promotes kindness, prosocial behaviors, and moral courage, and it is an effective antidote to bullying, aggression, prejudice and racism. It’s why Forbes urges companies to adopt empathy and perspective-taking principles, the Harvard Business Review named it as one of the ‘essential ingredients for leadership success and excellent performance.'”—Dr. Michele Borba, psychologist and parenting expert. 5. Hugs  “Hugging triggers the release of oxytocin, also known as the love hormone. This feel-good hormone has many important effects on our bodies. One of them is growth stimulation. Studies show that hugging can instantly boost the level of oxytocin. When oxytocin is increased, several growth hormones, such as insulin-like growth factor-I (IGF-1) and nerve growth factor (NGF), are increased as well. The nurturing touch of a hug can enhance a child’s growth.”—Pamela Li, creator of Parenting for Brain 6. Playful parents – by being playful, we connect to our kids because playing is a way for the kids to connect with other people. 7. Outdoor Times –  “Movement through active free play, especially outside, improves everything from creativity to academic success to emotional stability. Kids who don’t get to do this can have so many issues, from problems with emotional regulation—for example, they cry at the drop of a hat—to trouble holding a pencil, to touching other kids using too much force.”—Meryl Davids Landau, author of Enlightened Parenting 8. Chores – kids with chores are more responsible, have higher self-esteem, able to deal with frustration and delayed gratification better.  9. More screen-time limits –  “In order for the brain’s neural networks to develop normally during the critical period, a child needs specific stimuli from the outside environment. … When a young child spends too much time in front of a screen and not enough getting required stimuli from the real world, her development becomes stunted.”—Dr. Liraz Margalit, Behind Online Behavior 10. Experiences, not things – spend more time with children instead of giving them material things. 11. Slow moving days – take time to watch the kids, appreciate your children. 12. Read books to the kids – a study shows that if you read to the kids, they tend to be more interactive, learn to speak and read faster, empathize, and helps them understand the world around them better.  13. Music –  “Science has shown that when children learn to play music, their brains begin to hear and process sounds that they couldn’t otherwise hear. This helps them develop ‘neurophysiological distinction’ between certain sounds that can aid in literacy, which can translate into improved academic results for kids.”—Time article 14. Family Worship – Pray with your family, read scripture together, sing together.  Make it normal for your family to spend time talking about the things of the Lord together. 15. Serve together – church, soup kitchen, old people in neighborhood, nursing home Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. I want to hear from you! Reach out to me and let me know what you think! www.facebook.com/letsparentonpurpose www.instagram.com/letsparentonpurpose www.twitter.com/jaydholland Resources Mentioned Atomic Habits by James Clear The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg Oxytocin: Facts About the ‘Cuddle Hormone’   If you like this episode, check out last week’s podcast Creating a Summer Growth Plan with my friend Brent Gibson You might also like one of my blogs The Best Habit You Can Learn This Year This is How Music Changes Your Brain The Simple Secret to Family Worship

Tiny changes can work like compound interest over long periods of time. This week we begin a three part series on change, habits, and transformation. Rather than focus on radical change, we’re going to learn the atomic power of getting just one percent better. If you catch the vision and apply them, these concepts can change any aspect of your life. As James Clear says, “You should be far more concerned with your current trajectory than with your current results.” Is Let’s Parent on Purpose a blessing to you? Consider becoming a Patreon Supporter! Show Highlights I’m drawing heavily from two books that have had a great impact on me: 1. Atomic Habits by James Clear 2. The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. I’ve linked both books in the show notes.  As well as God’s word: Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. Three Reasons We Don’t Change Lack of Perspective – we don’t recognize there’s a problem or a better way Ask others, get out of your environment, or God sends a lightbulb “Your actions reveal how badly you want something.  If you keep saying something is a priority but you never act on it, then you don’t really want it.  It’s time to have an honest conversation with yourself.  Your actions reveal your true motivations.” James Clear Lack of Process – we see the need, set a goal, but don’t know how to get there Goal driven vs. Systems Driven. We don’t rise to the level of our goals, we fall to the level of our systems. James Clear Lack of Power – the task seems too big, or we start to change and it’s too difficult, or we’ve got so much stress, anxiety, and distractions we cannot move forward You have the Holy Spirit You’re starting too radical “Willpower isn’t just a skill. It’s a muscle, like the muscles in your arms or legs, and it gets tired as it works harder, so there’s less power left over for other things.” Charles Duhigg “As people strengthened their willpower muscles in one part of their lives—in the gym, or a money management program—that strength spilled over into what they ate or how hard they worked. Once willpower became stronger, it touched everything.” Charles Duhigg How tiny adjustments in our habits can account for massive change over time. “Habits are like the atoms of our lives. Each one is a fundamental unit that contributes to your overall improvement.”  James Clear The example of an ice cube. “Habits are the compound interest of self-improvement”  James Clear “Small wins are a steady application of a small advantage.” Charles Duhigg Getting 1% better Why we get frustrated and burned out from goal setting. What we miss when we ignore small improvements If you get 1% better at something each day, by the end of the year you will be 37 times better than when you started. Eat 100 calories less a day than you need, lose 10lbs in a year Have your children memorize 1 verse a week – Learn 52 verses in a year Steps towards getting 1% Better Think of an area where you’d like to see real change. Determine the smallest possible block of action you can that is in the direction of that change. Set up your environment to prompt you towards that action Use the concept of habit stacking Pair a new habit with a current routine Avoid Tiny Loses – Never Miss Twice For course correction, measure backwards – how are you doing now compared to your recent near term self?  Try this Habit: Hugs  “Hugging triggers the release of oxytocin, also known as the love hormone. This feel-good hormone has many important effects on our bodies. One of them is growth stimulation.” Stephanie Pappas Studies show that hugging can instantly boost the level of oxytocin. When oxytocin is increased, several growth hormones, such as insulin-like growth factor-I (IGF-1) and nerve growth factor (NGF), are increased as well. The nurturing touch of a hug can enhance a child’s growth.”—Pamela Li, creator of Parenting for Brain I want to hear from you.  What’s one area of your life where you can apply the 1% better challenge?  Answer me on facebook, instagram, or twitter www.facebook.com/letsparentonpurpose www.instagram.com/letsparentonpurpose www.twitter.com/jaydholland I’m going to randomly pick one person who answers and gift them a copy of Atomic Habits by James Clear.  Tweet This You should be far more concerned with your current trajectory than with your current results. Click To Tweet Your actions reveal how badly you want something. If you keep saying something is a priority but you never act on it, then you don’t really want it. It’s time to have an honest conversation with yourself. Your actions reveal your… Click To Tweet We don’t rise to the level of our goals, we fall to the level of our systems. Click To Tweet Willpower isn’t just a skill. It’s a muscle, like the muscles in your arms or legs, and it gets tired as it works harder, so there’s less power left over for other things. Click To Tweet If you get 1% better at something each day, by the end of the year you will be 37 times better than when you started. - James Clear Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Atomic Habits by James Clear The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg Oxytocin: Facts About the ‘Cuddle Hormone’   If you like this episode, check out last week’s podcast Creating a Summer Growth Plan with my friend Brent Gibson You might also like one of my blogs The Best Habit You Can Learn This Year