Let's Parent on Purpose: Christian Marriage, Parenting, and Discipleship

We each have different bents; what’s important to us many times looks different for each spouse – a clean house, an organized garage, etc.  There will be plenty of trials in life that you have no control over so why not just strengthen the areas you DO have control over?  Join me today as I discuss some practical tools in loving your spouse through actions and filling in the gaps with grace.  We may not always be drawn to serve or lift each other up, but we find that sprinkling undeserved favor into our most important relationships brings life to everyone involved. Show Highlights How do I, as a man, know that the house is messy?  My wife says she needs help, but I don’t know what to do. Different environments, different bents. Specificity drives accountability; accountability drives performance. Ask for a checklist.  Ask for responsibility on specific spheres, and for your spouse to train you on what he/she would like you to do. Vague instructions give ambiguous results. Can you explain “Fill in the gap with grace”? Give the benefit of the doubt If there are two possible ways to interpret something, and one way least condemning of the other person, do your best to assume the best. Most actions weren’t taken to specifically hurt you. Often our stupid and sinful actions are a result of Focalism.  Focalism (sometimes called the focusing illusion) is the tendency for people to give too much weight to one particular piece of information when making judgements and predictions.  By focusing too much on one thing (the focal event or hypothesis), people tend to neglect other important considerations and end up making inaccurate judgments as a result. Even if actions were specifically to hurt you, rather than being angry or vindictive, we should be curious. Remember Galatians 6:1-5.  Our aim is restoration. Grace is undeserved favor. Sprinkle undeserved favor into your most important relationships As a child of God, you are an agent of reconciliation. It’s about seeking to love, serve, and lift each other up; it’s about striving to give more than what’s deserved. Tweet This Specificity drives accountability; accountability drives performance. Click To Tweet If there are two possible ways to interpret something, and one way least condemning of the other person, do your best to choose the least condemning interpretation. Click To Tweet Behavior should make us curious. Click To Tweet Sprinkle undeserved favor into your most important relationships. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Click Here to Download a free 52 week Scripture Memory PDF!

One out of every three families in the United States is some form of blended family. Many have asked for wisdom on how to make their blended families work. Today I bring in the two wisest people I know on the subject: my dad and mom! Dan and Pat Holland are 45 years into their second marriage, and share a lifetime of wisdom from raising a family of 5 children. Show Highlights Intro to my parents dating and marriage What it was like in the 60s and 70s to be a divorced Christian in the church What we thought the biggest challenges of a blended family would be vs our actual biggest challenges How we handled two completely sets of rules and family dynamics – challenges for both parents and the kids Step-mom as primary caregiver and dad working Step-parent feeling authority to manage the home Discipline as a step-parent Dealing with feelings of guilt as a parent some parents try to overcompensate with rules or gifts how we kept from overcompensating showing our children we love them vs trying to buy our child’s love Giving our kids and step kids a place to call home The blended family dynamic made mom want to quit If we could go back in a time machine and give step-parent advice: develop a positive relationship with your spouse’s ex never use the kids as a weapon against your ex take the challenges to God instead of trying to work it all out by myself Resources www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges

What if you could figure out how to take your family around the world to experience people and culture beyond the basic tourist experience? My new friend Susan Whitehead has spent the last several years traveling the world, even living in foreign countries, with her family of 8. All of this started with a one way ticket to Costa Rica and $3,000 in the bank. Along the way, she’s figured out how to master planes, rentals, and cultures while her family experiences the world that goes much deeper than tourist attractions. You’ll be inspired and learn some tricks of your own from our conversation today. Click Here to Download my free 52 week Scripture Memory PDF! Show Highlights How Susan and her family of 7 (before the bonus baby), struggling financially,  started realizing that they could move overseas and live for half the expense of living where they were in Tampa, FL The life-changing moment when her landlord showed up at the door with a peach pie and a bow Selling 15 years worth of possessions in just 3 months of yard sales Taking off to Costa Rica with one-way tickets and $3,000 in the bank Living in Costa Rica for 6 months Living in Mexico for 1 year Her husband working in Afghanistan for 1 year while she had their “bonus baby” Traveling Europe for 3 months traveling around in a purchased old taxi van Her husband taking a job in The United Arab Emirates, living in the UAE with her family for 6 months Each of her children getting to pair down their life keepsakes to one box How pairing down their life possessions to travel the world has freed her family from the grip of material possessions, even after they are back in the United States The benefit of finding houses to rent long term vs. hotel rooms (example – they rented a 3 bedroom home with utilities and internet for $650 per month in Costa Rica Check out www.airbnb.com Check out www.vrbo.com Are you willing to house sit and care for someone’s pet?  Try https://www.trustedhousesitters.com Tax benefits of long term travel – The Foreign Income Tax Credit How you can experience world cultures and foods through the deli section of grocery stores for MUCH cheaper than eating out Learning how to pick up side jobs through the internet to help you sustain living overseas (check out www.upwork.com) Getting to have a housekeeper and a groundskeeper in their rental, pay them very well by in-country standards! Being invited to neighbor’s deep family traditions and religious ceremonies Her children’s vastly different perspective on world culture and understanding other religions Seeing OUR culture with fresh eyes The joy of experiencing local church in other cultures Tips for how YOUR family can try extended travel (3-5 weeks of international travel) Get your passports Understand that a round trip ticket is NOT more expensive for longer stays (subscribe to www.pomelotravel.com to have amazing international airline deals sent to your inbox) When you pick your country, find THEIR local “airbnb” and you’ll get much better deal Travel in the offseason to get much better deals Consider house sitting – www.trustedhousesitters.com Shop in local grocery stores, avoid eating out. When you stay in homes, they have kitchens! Let your children pick bucket list items with each of the places you go When you are at a yard sale and you're dying as your favorite possessions being bargained down from a quarter to ten cents, you realize that you don't own your stuff. Your stuff owns you. Click To Tweet Stepping out on faith does not mean it's going to look anything like you think it will look or have asked it to look. That doesn't mean that God is any less faithful. Click To Tweet One of my favorite family memories is eating french baguettes and feeding the birds in front of the Eiffel Tower. - Susan Whitehead Click To Tweet One of our big goals with family travel was to teach our children to truly love other people. - Susan Whitehead Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned http://www.SusanWhitehead.com/travel is a free audio I recorded on how travel can deepen your faith. http://www.wanderlustfamilies.com is Susan’s personal blog, with lots of great family and travel info. https://pomelotravel.com is an insanely great email service that sends you cut rate prices on major airlines to routes around the world. Within 1 week of learning about Pomelo from Susan, I saved over $1,500 total off of the plane tickets for our church mission trip group to Spain. www.upwork.com is a great way to pick up money through side jobs.

Whether your children have phones and iPads or not, they are massively influenced by social media because of the culture we live in. It can be scary. But you’re still the parent, and you get to have the biggest influence in your child’s life. Youth Pastor and podcast host Aaron Mamuyac, student pastor and host of the We Think God is Awesome Podcast,  joins me to discus ways we can make sure that we are still capturing the heart of our children. Click Here if you’d like to download a copy of my 52 week Scripture Memory Tool. As always, thank yo so much to my Patreon Supporters! These show notes and the extra microphones for my interview are from your generous support! Show Highlights Technology immigrants vs. technology natives The social engineering behind the addictive nature of games Technology as a force for good as well as evil Tweens average 6.5 hours a day exposure to media. Teens average more than 6.5 hours a day. The brain development of a child, referencing Episode 97 The Radically Changing World of a Preteen with Dan Scott The role of behavioral scientist in developing social media apps You facebook, instagram, and social media feeds are uniquely designed for you, to keep you on the app longer. Age aspiration – where a 13 year old desires to be a 17 year old and is targeted with adds from Cosmo, etc. exhausting that lifestyle.  At the same time, the 30-40 year olds are targeted with marketing that makes them want to look like 20 year olds again. Age compression – an 8 year old has to deal with sexuality and identity The fragile psyche that develops from the narcissistic, self oriented world of social media likes and follows The emotional tailspin that happens when “normal” hard things hit someone who lives comparing their lives to the false narrative of everyone else’s life The 3 aspects of Social media: Curation, Fabrication, Promotion The core of the problem – sin. It’s breaking relationships. How can you have real relationships when you’re putting up false images of yourself? 3 Fears: People will see me, people will reject me, people with hurt me The Solution of the gospel – forgiveness, identity, and belonging. How to have more influence than social media in your children’s life: Social media is a megaphone. What’s louder than a megaphone? A whisper of a parent in the ear of their child. Determining a strategy for how much time and access your children will have to phones and iPads. Start with a phone and text. No passwords, no social media. Go slow with introducing new apps on a phone. Very slow. Extremely slow. Even slower than that. When your kids are younger, you want to think for them, when they are older, you have to train them to think for themselves. Be curious about their social media, their friends social media. Scroll with them, ask questions, refrain from judgment of their friends, because your children are gauging how safe they are with  you by the way you react to their friend’s sin and foolishness. Tweet This The very sounds on candy crush were engineered for addiction. We grossly underestimate how impactful games and social media are. Click To Tweet Sins introduced in the developmental time of our teenage years become hardwired in our brain, and can be struggles we wrestle with for life. Click To Tweet Your social media app feeds are engineered specifically to target you, because they make more money the longer you stay on their app. But it creates a narcissistic identity where the world is revolving around you. Click To Tweet The reality of Social Media: it's NOT reality! Click To Tweet Social media is a megaphone. What's louder than a megaphone? A whisper of a parent in the ear of their child. Click To Tweet If you give your child a phone, and don't realize that within 1 year your child will be a better expert on phones than you, you're fooling yourself. It's your brain vs. the crowdsourced minds of every classmate your child has. Click To Tweet It's hard for me to tell my children to get off the phone, get off the iPad, get off the TV, when I'm on it. Click To Tweet     Resources Mentioned Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other by Sherry Turkle When People are Big and God is Small by Ed Welch Let’s Parent on Purpose Episode 97 The Radically Changing World of a Preteen with Dan Scott https://www.CPYU.ORG The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement The Tech Wise Family Aaron’s first childhood tech love – http://www.neopets.com Aaron Mamuyac, Sunlight Church, Port Saint Lucie Website: https://www.sunlightcc.org God is Awesome Podcast God is Awesome on Facebook Try you first book on Audible for free: https://www.audible.com/letsparentonpurpose

Goals are great, but goals alone don’t change much. Until you have a process or a system, goals are just opportunities for disappointment. Today I am going to share why it’s much more important to define and love your process than it is to live and die by goal setting. Click Here if you’d like to download a copy of my 52 week Scripture Memory Tool. This is the third podcast in my series on Habits and Transformation 124 The Surprising Power of Small Changes 125 How to Start or Stop Any Habit Show Highlights Biblical Foundation 7 But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. 12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained.  Philippians 3:7-16 Live by the goal, die by the goal –  The downside of setting goals We usually set our goals and are inclined to make big things happen to achieve these goals. Doing this isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it is tiring and exhausting. At times, we end up feeling burned out, and worse, frustrated when we don’t see the results we wish. Often times, we ignore the little improvements, thinking it will not make an impact. What we do not realize is that the little improvements, when put together, can create a great impact. It might not make a noticeable difference at first, but in the long run, you will notice the big difference it makes. You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems. Click To Tweet Goals are good for setting a direction, but systems are best for making progress. Click To Tweet A better way Think of a goal Ask yourself “what would be the actions and behaviors of a person who has made it to that goal. Distill it down to the smallest possible successful behavior Use what you’ve learned about habits to do that behavior Every time you do that behavior, you’re casting a vote for yourself that you are that kind of person. – You don’t need a unanimous decision, just a majority of votes. This is where your understanding of getting 1% better as well as your understanding of starting or replacing habits really comes in.  When you fall in love with the process rather than the product, you don’t have to wait to give yourself permission to be happy. You can be satisfied anytime your system is running. Click To Tweet Example 1 – God has declared you holy. You don’t feel holy. What would a devoted follower of Jesus do? Example 2 – What would a great dad do? Example 3 – What would a healthy family do? Loving the Process: Do what works Avoid tiny losses Measure backwards – celebrate success and course correct You will be in process until the day you’re with Jesus.  God is in the process. Learn to celebrate the goodness of God in the victories and the grace of God in the failures.  When I feel really stuck with a parenting conundrum, I find it helpful to ask 'what would a great dad do?' Then I do my best to do that. Click To Tweet I want to hear from you! Reach out to me and let me know what you think! www.facebook.com/letsparentonpurpose www.instagram.com/letsparentonpurpose www.twitter.com/jaydholland Resources Mentioned Atomic Habits by James Clear The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg If you like this episode, you might also enjoy Creating a Summer Growth Plan with my friend Brent Gibson You might also like one of my blogs The Best Habit You Can Learn This Year  

As my friend always says, “your habits are perfectly suited to give you the life you are living.” If you want to change your life, change your habits. In this week’s podcast, I share steps for starting, starting, or replacing any habit. Learn to master this in your own life and you will be primed to unleash the power of habit in your family! This is the second of a three part series I am doing on transformation through intentional habit change. You’re welcome to jump right in to today’s podcast, but if you find it helpful, you’ll want to check out my last episode –The Surprising Power of Small Changes Show Highlights Biblical Foundation Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Colossians 3:9-10 Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. Habits are powerful God wired your body to run on habit.  “Habits reduce cognitive load and free up mental capacity, so you can allocate your attention to other tasks.” James Clear  Habits work like compound interest Habits are like the atoms of our lives. Each one is a fundamental unit that contributes to your overall improvement. Click To Tweet Part of the process of Discipleship is going form accidental to intentional habits. We don’t choose our earliest habits, we imitate them. Click To Tweet “We don’t choose our earliest habits, we imitate them.” Click To Tweet The 4 Parts of a habit – James Clear The Cue The Craving The Response The Reward James Duhigg combines the Cue and Craving to describe a three part Habit Cycle. “This process within our brains is a three-step loop. First, there is a cue, a trigger that tells your brain to go into automatic mode and which habit to use. Then there is the routine, which can be physical or mental or emotional. Finally, there is a reward, which helps your brain figure out if this particular loop is worth remembering for the future: THE HABIT LOOP” As time goes on, an interesting thing happens. Your brain starts to associate your response (routine) with the reward. Eventually The Response becomes the Reward! How to start any habit Cue – Make it obvious Craving – Make it Attractive Response – Make it Easy Reward – Make it Satisfying Willpower isn’t just a skill. It’s a muscle, like the muscles in your arms or legs, and it gets tired as it works harder, so there’s less power left over for other things. Click To Tweet Breaking a habit – you can’t just stop a habit, you have to replace.  2 practices Cue – Make it Invisible Craving – Make it Unattractive Response – Make it Difficult Reward – Make it Unsatisfying. The Golden Rule of Habit Change: You can't extinguish a bad habit, you can only change it. Click To Tweet Duhigg’s method Identify the cue Replace the routine Give an immediate reward.  Habit Stacking – pair a new habit with a current habit, or make one habit the cue for the next habbit in a series of habbits Example – Morning Routine  Wake up  Make Bed Brush Teeth Read my verse of the day taped to my mirror Stretch and breathe Think and pray through big parts of your day, inviting Jesus in Shower/get dressed. Most Powerful Habits for Parents Lauren Tamm 1. Boundaries – set boundaries to help your kids thrive.  2. Routines – Set routines. This will help the kids stay grounded and self-control and feel relaxed. Morning, mealtime, bedtime 3. Early bedtimes – getting enough sleep helps the kids’ brain development.  4. Empathy –  “Empathy promotes kindness, prosocial behaviors, and moral courage, and it is an effective antidote to bullying, aggression, prejudice and racism. It’s why Forbes urges companies to adopt empathy and perspective-taking principles, the Harvard Business Review named it as one of the ‘essential ingredients for leadership success and excellent performance.'”—Dr. Michele Borba, psychologist and parenting expert. 5. Hugs  “Hugging triggers the release of oxytocin, also known as the love hormone. This feel-good hormone has many important effects on our bodies. One of them is growth stimulation. Studies show that hugging can instantly boost the level of oxytocin. When oxytocin is increased, several growth hormones, such as insulin-like growth factor-I (IGF-1) and nerve growth factor (NGF), are increased as well. The nurturing touch of a hug can enhance a child’s growth.”—Pamela Li, creator of Parenting for Brain 6. Playful parents – by being playful, we connect to our kids because playing is a way for the kids to connect with other people. 7. Outdoor Times –  “Movement through active free play, especially outside, improves everything from creativity to academic success to emotional stability. Kids who don’t get to do this can have so many issues, from problems with emotional regulation—for example, they cry at the drop of a hat—to trouble holding a pencil, to touching other kids using too much force.”—Meryl Davids Landau, author of Enlightened Parenting 8. Chores – kids with chores are more responsible, have higher self-esteem, able to deal with frustration and delayed gratification better.  9. More screen-time limits –  “In order for the brain’s neural networks to develop normally during the critical period, a child needs specific stimuli from the outside environment. … When a young child spends too much time in front of a screen and not enough getting required stimuli from the real world, her development becomes stunted.”—Dr. Liraz Margalit, Behind Online Behavior 10. Experiences, not things – spend more time with children instead of giving them material things. 11. Slow moving days – take time to watch the kids, appreciate your children. 12. Read books to the kids – a study shows that if you read to the kids, they tend to be more interactive, learn to speak and read faster, empathize, and helps them understand the world around them better.  13. Music –  “Science has shown that when children learn to play music, their brains begin to hear and process sounds that they couldn’t otherwise hear. This helps them develop ‘neurophysiological distinction’ between certain sounds that can aid in literacy, which can translate into improved academic results for kids.”—Time article 14. Family Worship – Pray with your family, read scripture together, sing together.  Make it normal for your family to spend time talking about the things of the Lord together. 15. Serve together – church, soup kitchen, old people in neighborhood, nursing home Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. I want to hear from you! Reach out to me and let me know what you think! www.facebook.com/letsparentonpurpose www.instagram.com/letsparentonpurpose www.twitter.com/jaydholland Resources Mentioned Atomic Habits by James Clear The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg Oxytocin: Facts About the ‘Cuddle Hormone’   If you like this episode, check out last week’s podcast Creating a Summer Growth Plan with my friend Brent Gibson You might also like one of my blogs The Best Habit You Can Learn This Year This is How Music Changes Your Brain The Simple Secret to Family Worship

Tiny changes can work like compound interest over long periods of time. This week we begin a three part series on change, habits, and transformation. Rather than focus on radical change, we’re going to learn the atomic power of getting just one percent better. If you catch the vision and apply them, these concepts can change any aspect of your life. As James Clear says, “You should be far more concerned with your current trajectory than with your current results.” Is Let’s Parent on Purpose a blessing to you? Consider becoming a Patreon Supporter! Show Highlights I’m drawing heavily from two books that have had a great impact on me: 1. Atomic Habits by James Clear 2. The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. I’ve linked both books in the show notes.  As well as God’s word: Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. Three Reasons We Don’t Change Lack of Perspective – we don’t recognize there’s a problem or a better way Ask others, get out of your environment, or God sends a lightbulb “Your actions reveal how badly you want something.  If you keep saying something is a priority but you never act on it, then you don’t really want it.  It’s time to have an honest conversation with yourself.  Your actions reveal your true motivations.” James Clear Lack of Process – we see the need, set a goal, but don’t know how to get there Goal driven vs. Systems Driven. We don’t rise to the level of our goals, we fall to the level of our systems. James Clear Lack of Power – the task seems too big, or we start to change and it’s too difficult, or we’ve got so much stress, anxiety, and distractions we cannot move forward You have the Holy Spirit You’re starting too radical “Willpower isn’t just a skill. It’s a muscle, like the muscles in your arms or legs, and it gets tired as it works harder, so there’s less power left over for other things.” Charles Duhigg “As people strengthened their willpower muscles in one part of their lives—in the gym, or a money management program—that strength spilled over into what they ate or how hard they worked. Once willpower became stronger, it touched everything.” Charles Duhigg How tiny adjustments in our habits can account for massive change over time. “Habits are like the atoms of our lives. Each one is a fundamental unit that contributes to your overall improvement.”  James Clear The example of an ice cube. “Habits are the compound interest of self-improvement”  James Clear “Small wins are a steady application of a small advantage.” Charles Duhigg Getting 1% better Why we get frustrated and burned out from goal setting. What we miss when we ignore small improvements If you get 1% better at something each day, by the end of the year you will be 37 times better than when you started. Eat 100 calories less a day than you need, lose 10lbs in a year Have your children memorize 1 verse a week – Learn 52 verses in a year Steps towards getting 1% Better Think of an area where you’d like to see real change. Determine the smallest possible block of action you can that is in the direction of that change. Set up your environment to prompt you towards that action Use the concept of habit stacking Pair a new habit with a current routine Avoid Tiny Loses – Never Miss Twice For course correction, measure backwards – how are you doing now compared to your recent near term self?  Try this Habit: Hugs  “Hugging triggers the release of oxytocin, also known as the love hormone. This feel-good hormone has many important effects on our bodies. One of them is growth stimulation.” Stephanie Pappas Studies show that hugging can instantly boost the level of oxytocin. When oxytocin is increased, several growth hormones, such as insulin-like growth factor-I (IGF-1) and nerve growth factor (NGF), are increased as well. The nurturing touch of a hug can enhance a child’s growth.”—Pamela Li, creator of Parenting for Brain I want to hear from you.  What’s one area of your life where you can apply the 1% better challenge?  Answer me on facebook, instagram, or twitter www.facebook.com/letsparentonpurpose www.instagram.com/letsparentonpurpose www.twitter.com/jaydholland I’m going to randomly pick one person who answers and gift them a copy of Atomic Habits by James Clear.  Tweet This You should be far more concerned with your current trajectory than with your current results. Click To Tweet Your actions reveal how badly you want something. If you keep saying something is a priority but you never act on it, then you don’t really want it. It’s time to have an honest conversation with yourself. Your actions reveal your… Click To Tweet We don’t rise to the level of our goals, we fall to the level of our systems. Click To Tweet Willpower isn’t just a skill. It’s a muscle, like the muscles in your arms or legs, and it gets tired as it works harder, so there’s less power left over for other things. Click To Tweet If you get 1% better at something each day, by the end of the year you will be 37 times better than when you started. - James Clear Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Atomic Habits by James Clear The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg Oxytocin: Facts About the ‘Cuddle Hormone’   If you like this episode, check out last week’s podcast Creating a Summer Growth Plan with my friend Brent Gibson You might also like one of my blogs The Best Habit You Can Learn This Year

Sometimes we overcomplicate things. My good friend and brother-in-law Brent Gibson has been using a simple spiritual growth strategy with his children for each of the last three summers. Today, we talk about being intentional dads, and Brent shares how he’s encouraged Bible Study, memorization, and reading with his children each summer. You might also want to check out my blog from Last Year: Summer Growth Plan Show Highlights If I am not the most centrally present male figure in my kids lives, I have no idea what I can expect from whoever is going to fill that role. There’s never been a more important time than now for Dads to be engaged with their kids. Kids are going to find a central male in their lives; let it be you, and work hard at it.  – Brent Gibson It doesn’t matter as much what you tell your kids; they’re going to model what they’ve experienced with you as their parent.  Being present and engaged goes a long way. Tools we can use to pour into our kids Set up intentional play time with others going the same direction Have other godly men in our boys lives (women for girls) Structure purposeful time together Implement subtle lessons Intentional growth opportunities for this summer Help your kids redeem free hours through the week with reward attached (praise, cash, etc) Cast a vision; inspire them if possible Brent and Lisa’s tools for a purposeful summer scripture memorization scripture reading general reading Aim to get 1% better on a goal each day Helpful formula to instill a new habit make it obvious make it easy make it attractive make it satisfying Tweet This If I am not the most centrally present male figure in my kids' lives, I have no idea what I can expect from whoever is going to fill that role. There's never been a more important time than now for dads to be engaged with their kids. Click To Tweet Kids are going to find a central male in their lives; let it be you, and work hard at it. - Brent Gibson Click To Tweet Resources www.audibletrial.com/letsparentonpurpose Atomic Habits by James Clear Previous episode: Summer Growth Plan

We invest in our retirement. We invest in our physical fitness. We invest in our caffeine habit. Why wouldn’t we invest in our family relationships?  My friend Brian Neal of True Course Counseling joins me today to talk about the benefits of pastoral and professional counseling, the different ways counseling can help a family get “unstuck”, and how counseling can help a healthy family reach the next level. We also talk about common conflict issues and tools you can use for resolution before you ever seek extra help. Thanks you to my Patreon Supporters! If it’s a blessing, support this podcast at https://www.patreon.com/letsparentonpurpose I’ve made this free tool for you. Download your Free Marriage Snapshot today! Show Highlights Understanding the difference between Christian Counseling and Biblical Counseling Biblical Counseling focuses on Biblical texts and relates ones problems to the text of Scripture Christian Counseling focuses on the truth and the Truth about Jesus. Christian Counseling aims to bring Jesus to the center of the issue. Some are hesitant to seek counseling or therapy because of time, money, or the stigma attached. You should look at counseling as an investment you make in yourself and your family. Some of the benefits include: Counseling helps you realize the cause of the problem you are facing; Counseling gives you tools to respond to various challenges It can bring healing to relationships Counseling can help you clarify your goals and determine a path towards success Brian helps clarify the differences between various forms of help and therapy available Psychiatrist – see a psychiatrist for medication if you are suicidal or clinically depressed. A psychiatrist will help you address the physical symptoms. The do not generally help with giving you the emotional tools to work through your challenges. Psychologist – a psychologist should have a doctorate. They will have more training and are often much more specialized than a therapist or counselor. Therapist or counsellor – typically these will have a masters level of education. Most people can be helped on a therapeutic level, unless they are in crisis. Pastoral counselor – Many people can be greatly helped by pastoral counseling. It’s important to understand that most pastors do not have extensive training in counseling, but are pretty adept at combining biblical wisdom with life experience. Since many of life’s challenges are common problems shared by others, pastoral counseling can help work through a great number of issues. Also, pastors will often have good networks of contacts for more advanced counseling needs. What are some of the situations where counseling might be helpful? When you are overwhelmed Whenever you feel helpless; If you are in conflict with a another person; If you find yourself in a confusing situation and don’t know how to react and others. Brian discusses the benefits a family can have by creating a culture of service and communication within the home. Tweet This Those with healthiest marriage and family are investing. It doesn’t just happen by chance. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned You can find out more about Brain Neal and True Course Counseling https://truecoursecounseling.com Want to invest in your family? You can also check out my recent episode with Jenny Price “How Your Marriage Affects Your Parenting”  https://www.letsparentonpurpose.com/2019/05/05/how-your-marriage-affects-your-parenting/  

Studies show 66% of teens who are active in church leave the church after high school.  Ben Trueblood of LifeWay Student Ministry joins me today to discuss the missing links and how we can help our kids stay connected to the church as they leave home. Show Highlights Lifeway released a survey of 23-30 year olds who were active in church throughout their high school years.  The goal was to track their church engagement from ages 18-22.  The biggest focus of this study was on the retention rate of the students who were active in high school years and remained active throughout their college years. What were the big picture findings of the survey? 66% of Active High School Students (attends 2x or more per month) leave church in the first couple of years after graduation. Why? Life change/situations 96% Church/pastor related reasons 74% Religious, political, ethical reasons 70% Student/youth ministry reasons 63% Why do 2/3 students leave the church? There is statistically no significant difference in church drop out rates between college, military or workforce graduates.  It’s not a college/career problem; it’s an age gap / transition from high school problem. only 39% of students who leave say their dad was active in church as well #1 reason why they walk away was life change was that they moved to college and stopped attending church; its generally not about hating God or purposefully walking away from the faith They didn’t feel connected to people in the church (not just kids but other generations too). Why do the 1/3 stay connected to the church? When teens can identify 3 or more spiritual mentors through the high school years, they are THREE times more likely to stick with the church during college years Mentor relationships can begin to take root in early stages of elementary and middle school!  Adults who will take the kids seriously make the kids want to stick around longterm. The stay rate is 13% higher for students who have a father who attends church Virtually no evidence of a student ministry “coolness factor” keeps kids in church. Help your teenager connect beyond just the worship service.  (student ministry, life groups, mission trips, etc help them become more connected to the body of Christ). The goal isn’t to become a good church-goer, but when someone is growing in their faith, there is more connection and likelihood to be with the people of Jesus. Advice to parents: Help your teen overcome the initial barriers because there’s nothing that pulls them to be part of the body of Christ when they start out on their own. If you do a college visit, its ESSENTIAL you take time to visit churches in the area as well Parents, stay connected to the church; show genuine love and interest in the church.  Pay attention to the pipeline of ministry. 31% of those who left had returned to church by age 30, and the number one reason why they came back is because a parent invited them. Our parental influence goes far beyond when our kids move out.  Don’t give up on inviting them back to church! Listen for Ben’s answers to these Patreon Questions: At a smaller church, where people are already volunteering at capacity, how do we make mentoring, discipleship and relationships with our kids and students a foundational part of our church? Is there a significant long-term difference between students who come out of student ministry vs those who didn’t? Tweet This The stay-in-church rate for teens is 13% higher for students who have a father who attends. Click To Tweet When teens can identify 3 or more spiritual mentors through the high school years, they are THREE times more likely to stick with the church during college years. Click To Tweet Mentor relationships can begin to take root in early stages of elementary and middle school! Adults who will take kids seriously make the kids want to stick around longterm. Click To Tweet Resources When Mom is Managing Alone Atomic Habits by James Clear https://bentrueblood.com twitter.com@bentrueblood https://www.lifeway.com Within Reach by Ben Trueblood (statistical results geared toward pastors, youth pastors) A Different College Experience by Ben Trueblood and Brian Mills (read this with your graduating seniors and kids early in college life; also a great grad gift; good last-semester curriculum for youth) Your local student ministry! Marriage Snapshot tool www.patreon.com/letsparentonpurpose https://www.audibletrial.com/letsparentonpurpose