Let's Parent on Purpose: Christian Marriage, Parenting, and Discipleship

Nathan Buchanan is an operator of two Chick-Fil-A franchises in Martin County, Florida. He’s also a husband and the father of five children as well as a pastor’s kid and a follower of Jesus. He manages to get exceptional quality service out of a group of rotating teenagers. Join me as I interview Nathan and discuss how the principles found in the Chic-Fil- A franchise can help you parent your children. If you find this podcast helpful, you can subscribe and click here to find past topics and free resources. Feel free to share with others, as well! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter on my homepage. If you would like to suggest a topic, let me know here or on the Facebook page. Show Highlights J: What is the ideal culture in your restaurant? N: First we have to define culture. I would define it as the sum of all the behaviors and attitudes within an organization. An ideal culture is one in which we have individuals with positive growth-minded mindsets, who are well-trained in behaviors that we want them to perform and have a great attitude. In management, we manage the behavior side of it. Behaviors are quantifiable. I can see your smile or your physical or verbal reactions. Attitudes on the other hand are qualifiable. So I can tell if you have a good or bad attitude, but I can’t really manage it. J: Do you measure smiles in your house? N: We measure behaviors. In my restaurant, I rent the behaviors of my team for the time they are in my restaurant. However, in a house it is a different set of behaviors. Children have chores and things they are responsible for cleaning and maintaining. They have to behave a certain way towards their siblings or their parents. So we manage the behavior. We say “don’t do that, but do this behavior instead.” J: Go more deeply into what you mean by “renting behaviors.” N: There are two types of relationships in the world. There is a conditional relationship, such as an employee-employer relationship. In this relationship the conditions are: you do a certain type and amount of work for me and I give you a certain amount of money. Then there is the unconditional relationship, such as a father-daughter relationship, where that relationship cannot change no matter how good or bad it is. In the conditional relationship of the restaurant, I rent the behavior of the team member while they are on the clock. I tell them what to do, what to say, what to wear, etc, but only in that limited context. There are some unconditional relationships where I have that same responsibility. I have a responsibility to teach my kids how to interact with others, how to dress, and how to behave. I have a responsibility to go through those same management principles in that unconditional relationship as I would in the conditional relationship of my restaurant to help my child come self-disciplined. J: So, “renting” in regards to parenting is like: “this is the expectation and this is the payout for what you do.” You don’t have to bring any emotions into it. N: Emotions are a tricky thing. They are really important. They are useful to convey the depth of feeling that is driving the conversation. But when you parent with emotion, your child responds to that emotion, and your child then has justification to their own actions in response to yours. They can self-justify. J: You spend your life now recruiting and developing high school students to work in a professional environment. Your workforce is constantly changing, but in your restaurant, the service and quality of the food stays excellent. It feels like it depends on the individual that you have there, so what have you figured out in your environment that has helped that? N: There are a couple of things that we have figured out that may not correlate directly to parenting: 1) If you choose the person that fits your job, it makes life a lot easier. We look for people with specific talent-sets or natural talents. We look for self-discipline, shared values, and intrinsic hunger or drive. All we have to do is inspire them to be better than they already are. 2)  If we hire someone who can’t do the job or won’t do the job, we part ways with them quickly. But you can’t do that with your children. J: You mentioned figuring out when people can’t, wont, and don’t know how. This is a really helpful parenting skill as well. How do you figure this out? N: We go through the roster and measure their actions and whether they help the team. We ask “Is it because they can’t?”And if they can’t then we ask them “How can we help you get to a better place?” The Wont’s are great but they’re immature, so we set specific expectations and hold them accountable or we get performance out of their replacement. The Don’t Know Hows are a group of people who can’t figure things out intuitively. We focus on them and make sure they know exactly what we expect. In parenting, specificity drives accountability, and accountability will drive performance. As parents, it’s our role to really get specific about our expectations with the kids. The more specific you can get, the easier it’s going to be to hold your kids accountable. J: As a parent you don’t get to recruit your children and you don’t get to fire them. But there have to be principles that are translated back and forth. What can parents learn from the way Chic-Fil-A runs its operation? N: Get on it early. Make sure your child know what you mean when you say no and then it gets easier from there. Also, celebrate the behavior that you want. Get specific with expectations and rules and hold ramifications for those expectations. Specificity drives accountability and accountability drives performance. You need to be friendly but not their friend because you’re going to have to hold them accountable. You have to constantly challenge them to grow. When children have self-discipline, you can give them more trust. You have to be trustworthy as a parent. Integrity, authenticity, and personal discipline make trust happen. Discipline in principle and not in anger. Be aware of who your kids are spending time with. You do have the authority to tell them what to do and how to do it. J: Describe the culture that you think parents should strive for to have a thriving, fruitful home? N: I want to provide a safe and secure environment where young people can grow and mature rightly. The culture that you want in your home is a safe and secure environment where people are challenged to grow and mature and are given guidance to grow and mature. I want my kids to become great adults, not necessarily have a fun childhood. You create the culture and that’s just the expectation that happens. J: How do you think parents miss the mark in character formation? N: It’s a twofold answer: I think as parents we are too caught up in our own lives and, sometimes, we just want the kids to leave us alone. We miss teachable moments. We make the mistake of trying to get outward compliance instead of an inward change of attitude. A lot of times as parents we just want compliance because then we can go on with our day. And our children will comply, but then they’re silently still rebelling in their hearts. We miss that to our peril. We are the first authority figure that God has given to them. If kids don’t learn to obey us, they’re not going to obey their boss, the police, the government, etc. J:  Parents, don’t miss that mark of how much character formation takes place in the home. Tweet This Specificity drives accountability, and accountability will drive performance Click To Tweet You do have the authority to tell them what to do and how to do it. Click To Tweet I want to provide a safe and secure environment where young people can grow and mature rightly Click To Tweet Parents, don’t miss that mark of how much character formation takes place in the home. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned It’s Ok to Be the Boss: The Step-By-Step Guide to Becoming the Manager Your Employees Need by Bruce Tulgan Patrick Lencioni Marcus Buckingham Jim Collins Daniel Pink Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership by John Maxwell  

Today we are talking with my friend, Jenny Price, and an incredible, practical tool for couples to strengthen their marriage called Marriage on Mission. Jenny is a Pastor’s wife, mother of five, and coach who is passionate about building healthy marriages. The Marriage on Mission tool is one that will help you and your spouse dream, plan and sharpen your direction in a healthy way. If you find this podcast helpful, you can subscribe and click here to find past topics and free resources. Feel free to share with others, as well! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter on my homepage. SHOW HIGHLIGHTS No matter what stage your marriage is in, if you can get your marriage on mission, you can push toward health. Marriage is the one thing that is definitively shaping our nation. It is not government or healthcare; it is growing healthy marriages. You do not have to simply endure a hard marriage. Putting your marriage on mission will help it grow healthy and thrive. Everything stems from relationships. The fruit of your relationship with your spouse will have a long-lasting impact after you are gone. The most important concept to remember concerning your marriage is that the ultimate mission is not to stay married or have a good marriage. If your marriage is the most important thing to you, it has become an idol. If marriage is the highest priority, you are depending on your spouse to satisfy things that only God can satisfy. There is no person to complete you, and if you are looking to your spouse to do that, you are setting them up for something they are incapable of doing. Your marriage should be a blessing and an absolute source of joy, but it is not your core identity and it is not the main source of joy in your life. Marriage should be combined with: Ministry Careers Eternity So, where should one start to get their marriage on mission? The following steps are part of the Marriage on Mission tool. I encourage you to print the full resource out as it contains additional details that will help you and your spouse get the most out of the exercise! Ask yourself where you are right now. You can’t work on where you want to go without knowing where you are starting from. Talk to your spouse about where they are. Sometimes, one spouse might feel they are in one place and the other has a totally different take on it. We all carry presumptions! It should not scare us if one feels the relationship is in a better place than the other. Evaluating where you both are should not be an exercise in ascribing worth to the other. Do vision-casting exercises. This exercise takes about an hour and a half and is great for a date night: Spend 5 minutes praying and getting into context. Spend 20 minutes individually writing your 1 year vision. This resource provides a number of questions you can use for this step. Read what each other has written. Pay attention to the similarities and differences you discover. Set S.M.A.R.T goals. These should stretch us and push us. Specific Measurable Attainable Risky Timely Focus on eternity. Long for God. He is the goal! Think: My marriage matters because of the legacy that God is building in me. Is my marriage pointing others to Christ? Set a mission statement rooted in scripture. Find a scripture passage that you want your family to be about and live by it. TWEET THIS Everything stems from relationships. Click To Tweet Your marriage should be a blessing and an absolute source of joy, but it is not your core identity and it is not the main source of joy in your life. Click To Tweet My marriage matters because of the legacy that God is building in me. Click To Tweet RESOURCES MENTIONED Marriage on Mission Tool Jenny’s Website Jenny’s Facebook Jenny’s Instagram Heaven by Randy Alcorn The Weight of Glory by C. S. Lewis Jay’s Newsletter Jay’s Email Let’s Parent on Purpose Facebook Page Episode 50: Depression and Anxiety in Parenting and Marriage Episode 120: How Your Marriage Affects Your Parenting

Spiritual warfare is all around us. It exists in our everyday lives. However, we often overlook aspects of it because we are looking for the big moments of fighting instead of the small daily instances.  So, today I want to look at a certain aspect of spiritual warfare that I believe can derail our families and our relationships with others if left unchecked. If you like the content of this podcast and find it insightful and helpful, please subscribe. If you would like to support Let’s Parent on Purpose and our ministry, please consider becoming a patron. For more information pertaining to the topic of this podcast, please check out this article on spiritual warfare on the Focus on the Family website. Show Highlights To begin, we need to understand that human beings are spiritual beings. The two aspects are not separate. Yet, we do separate them all the time by believing that we are spiritual beings when we attend church, read the Bible, or pray, but we are regular humans the rest of the time. This is not true. You are a spiritual being no matter what you do. I want to look at a certain aspect of spiritual warfare today because spiritual beings are engaged in spiritual warfare. The aspect of spiritual warfare that gets overlooked is: The subtlety of spiritual warfare on a daily basis We often think of spiritual warfare as big battles such as divorces or major addictions or dysfunctions in the home. But what if spiritual warfare started so small that you didn’t even realize it was there? In my experience, spiritual warfare is: little conflicts little discords little annoyances It is death by a thousand relational cuts, and since we don’t realize that the relationship has a spiritual side, we don’t realize the stakes. Spiritual warfare often looks like relational funk between me and you. Know this: You enemy is not your husband, or kids, or the drug dealer in your neighborhood. It is Satan. Your enemy is a spiritual enemy, roaming quietly, looking for opportunities. One major opportunity that will destroy relationships is pride. Pride is: the most anti-God sin that exists. It is anti-people as well. It will kill your house. It will kill your unity. It will kill your relationship with others and your relationship with God. There is a weapon we can use to fight this spiritual battle and that weapon is grace. Grace heals what pride kills. Grace is what allows us to live in a home full of sinners. The pathway to grace starts with humility with God and with others. You can resist the devil by submitting and humbling yourself to God. I want to leave you with three steps to help you fight this battle: Think about the conflicts in your life and submit them to God. Evaluate where those conflicts might have been amplified by your pride. Humble yourself and extend grace with no expectation of return from that other person. Try it and let me know how it works. Send me an email. Here is an extra piece of practical advice: When you feel like you are under attack or in a spiritual battle, pray this out loud: I am a child of God Bought by the blood of Jesus And I claim the blood of Jesus over my life I claim the blood of Jesus over my household And I pray in the name of Jesus and I command any evil force that might be around to leave in the name of Jesus and by the power of Jesus’ blood Remember that there is power in the blood of Jesus when you are under the blood of Jesus. Tweet This: You are a spiritual being no matter what you do. Click To Tweet Spiritual beings are engaged in spiritual warfare. Click To Tweet Spiritual warfare often looks like relational funk between me and you. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis Focus on the Family Jay’s Email  

Today I am joined by my good friend, Melissa Weimer. Melissa is a wife, mother, and the ministry leader of Celebrate Recovery at Covenant Fellowship Baptist Church. During this episode, Melissa shares her encouraging redemption story, starting with how she began spiraling into addiction at a young age and how that carried into her early years of marriage and parenting. As you listen, I think you will see that Melissa’s story is Jesus’ story.   If you find this podcast helpful, I’d love for you to subscribe and share with your friends! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter from the homepage of letsparentonpurpose.com. Finally, I’ve been using an internet filtering program called “Covenant Eyes.” It’s a wonderful, Christian-based program, and we have it on all of our computers at home. By following this link, you’ll be able to support this podcast.   Show Highlights Our backgrounds can propel us into addiction. Family addiction can be a potential catalyst for adulthood addiction. Not having repercussions or consequences can escalate the problem. What can keep us in our addictions and away from God and His grace? Fear of God and His displeasure in us can make us walk away from Him. Denial of our problems prolongs our descent into addiction. Thinking we have everything under control makes us resist help. What propels us into action about our addiction? Hitting rock bottom can make us realize our need to be saved. Realizing the hurt that we have put others through can fuel our desire for change. Realizing that we have no control over our lives allows us to ask for help. What is Celebrate Recovery? A 12-step program with 8 biblical principles that help us dig into who we are and why we seek out certain addictions continually. The program gives us tools to break the cycle and find our identity and worth in Christ. The program is about finding our identity in Christ and not in our problem. The program is about connecting with others and finding healing through support and confession. We are not our addictions! We all have issues, but we should not be defined by them. Christ is continually working in us. Defining ourselves by our addictions shortchanges Christ’s power in us. What are the effects of recovery? For the individual: There will always be trust issues that you will have to endure. See them as a way to celebrate and show others that you have nothing to hide anymore. Hold tight to your identity in Christ as you pursue sobriety, grace, peace, and happiness. Become involved in a church and give back to others. For the family: Realize that you cannot change the person; you can only love them. Support them, not the problem. Do not enable their issues.   Tweet This I just felt like I was never enough. Click To Tweet At that point, I realized I had become everything I swore I would never become. Click To Tweet If you're still alive, you're wrestling with something. Click To Tweet   Resources Mentioned Covenant Eyes Celebrate Recovery Find a Group: https://locator.crgroups.info/ Life’s Healing Choices by John Baker

Today, we’ll be talking about discerning which battles are worth fighting with our children, teenagers, and our spouses. How do we know which battles to pick and when to let go? Together, we’ll look at some really helpful questions to ask as we seek to navigate these challenges with wisdom. SHOW HIGHLIGHTS When do I let my kids make their own decisions, and when do I stay involved? This question applies to so many areas of life: grades, dating, friendships, a clean room, respect, their relationship with God, work ethic – the list goes on. How do we know which battles to pick? Here are some principles to remember: Curiosity—what is the reason they are doing what they are doing? Correlation—people, especially our children, are a bundle of contradictions Don’t let things slide that will be detrimental to them later in life Don’t let your kids do things that make you dislike them. These are things that will cause other people to dislike them. Some things don’t matter as much as we think. Get some feedback—outside perspective. Ask other parents, for example. In our house—”We speak highly” of one another. This creates an environment of safety. Some things matter more than we think. Example: Girls, watch how a guy treats his mom. Guys, watch how a girl treats her father. Lying, disrespect, etc. are not small things. Eighteen is not the finish line for parenting or developing as a human being. Think of yourself at 18, and now. How much have you changed? Don’t judge your children’s current character development by your character development today.   How to Pick Battles with Our Children Messymotherhood.com has four excellent questions to ask: Will this hurt my child or someone else? Will this cause property damage? Will this go against our family’s rules, values or beliefs? Will this interfere with other plans (does this prevent us from moving on)? If the answer to these questions is “no” and the behavior is still bothering you, ask yourself this final question: why do I feel like I need to stop this behavior?   How to Pick Battles with Our Teens: Here are some helpful questions to ask: How can I get to the heart of my child? Get them to see the why behind my heart. Is this issue ultimately for their good, or a matter of my pride? Am I more concerned about the way it reflects on my parenting ability? This is not the type of criteria to be using. What will be most helpful for their life and character? Sometimes, suffering and facing consequences is most helpful. Does your teen fight you over going to college? There is wisdom in holding back on incurring debt for an education they have no interest in immediately after high school. Ask yourself: Am I stepping in the way of God? Consider that God may be teaching them through the tough consequences. If they have trouble being on-time to work as a 16-year-old? This is the time to let them fail, let them get fired.   How to Pick Battles in Marriage: Have as few battles as possible. Are you evaluating your perception of their love for you by tasks that aren’t in their wheelhouse? Maybe they’re expressing love for you in a way you aren’t recognizing. Be careful about entering into battle. Is this battle truly over the heart or a mechanical function?   Ultimately, when picking your battles—choose wisely, choose rarely, and make sure they actually matter.   Thank you for your positive ratings and reviews! Your feedback is encouraging and appreciated, and really helps promote the podcast for others!   Thank you to my Patreon supporters – you helped me attend a podcast convention this past week, and it was amazing. I am tremendously grateful for your partnership!   TWEET THIS Am I stepping in the way of God? Click To Tweet How can I get to the heart of my child? Click To Tweet When picking your battles—choose wisely, choose rarely, and make sure they actually matter. Click To Tweet   Resources Mentioned Youtube: Lets Parent on Purpose Covenant Eyes Episode 32: Boulders, Backpacks & Boundaries Episode 46: Behavior Should Make You Curious with Bradley McAlister Episode 51: Prioritizing Your Battles Cone of Responsibility 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos by Jordan Peterson www.messymotherhood.com                                  

We’re going to change things up today. We’re going to do a little devotion about a big truth. Walk with me through my favorite Psalm, 127, and learn how we can apply it to our lives. Show Highlights This was a song they would sing as they were marching up the temple steps in Jerusalem each year. It beings as a powerful reminder that, “Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.  Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.” Think about the protective measures for our families we have put in place-health insurance, home insurance, car insurance, savings – all to treat our children well and d protect them from the unknown. No matter how many safeguards we put in place, we are just not in control. This can be terrifying, but, it should also be freeing! We are responsible but we are not in control. What does that mean? Wouldn’t it be better if being responsible meant we were in control? We are responsible to be faithful with what God has put in front of us. We are not in control of the outcome. We are responsible for our own: Decisions. Intentions. Reactions. We are in charge of duties given to us by God, but the outcomes are often a mystery. Eternally, we know God works them for good, but in the day-to-day, we don’t always see how. According to Psalm 127, if I’m not in control that means God is. We should rest better at night knowing this! Be in awe of God’s power! Rely on God to keep your family together. Children are a heritage from the Lord Do you look at your children as arrows? Do you see your children as objects of power and influence for the Lord? Arrows for you to gather, sharpen, and launch into the world on behalf of Christ? Do you value each child as their own unique arrow for God to mold and shape? There is freedom in having no control. Trust in God to preserve your family. There will always be that “one thing.” We require daily dependence on the Lord. We are built for eternity. God will be there, no matter the outcome. Be encouraged to memorize Psalm 127. It should be a continual grounding force in your life. Look at your children as precious arrows given by God. Invest in them as you would anything that could radically shape and change the world. They are the Lord’s arrows. Owning this brings freedom. I would love to pray for you and your “one thing” that you need to trust the Lord in. Please feel free to email me at jay@letsparentonpurpose.com   Tweet This I am responsible but I am not in control. Click To Tweet God’s given me duties to do, but the outcomes are often a mystery. Click To Tweet There will always be that ‘one thing.’ Click To Tweet   Resources mentioned Parenting By Paul David Tripp Camp Living Stones, Tennessee Click here to download my free Fun Family Conversations eBook. Want to try audible for free? www.audibletrial.com/letsparentonpurpose

Today’s big question: How do you, as a parent, emotionally and spiritually set yourself up for starting the school year off well? I want to propose four truths to consider, and what we might do in response to these truths. Audible credits have allowed me to enjoy books such as Free to Focus, Atomic Habits, Harry Potter books, and The Body Keeps the Score. I highly recommend Parenting by Paul David Tripp. In it are not tips and tricks on how to be a good parent, but direction on resetting your heart for what God has called you to do. Want to try audible for free? www.audibletrial.com/letsparentonpurpose   Show Highlights Truth #1: My children are my Treasure. Is there anything in this life that you have invested more time, effort, energy, and resources in than your children? Family Wealth by James Hughes. In Family Wealth, Hughes writes about how families can preserve their wealth for multiple generations. The greatest treasures in your family are the individuals in your family, as well as their ideas and their capabilities. We spend so little time strategically thinking through the multiple generations that are going to come out of us. Are you thinking about your grandkids? Your great-grandkids? When I take my kid to school, I am dropping off the greatest treasure God has given me outside of my personal salvation and marriage relationship. Truth #2: My Children are God’s Arrows Psalm 127:4— my favorite verse. “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.” Your children are God’s arrows. You have your children in the quiver. You sharpen them. You launch them into the world as God’s ambassadors. They are your ambassadors, too. Kids carry your family name. Truth #3: My Children are Excited They are seeing new people, opportunities, clothes, shoes. The unknown creates real excitement. Truth #4: My Children are Scared There is a lot of unknown with the beginning of each year. We do poorly to minimize what they are scared of, to dismiss it. Middle school is as hard to navigate as any time of life, period. Including adulthood. To the capacity that they are right now, this is as hard as they have ever experienced, and it’s going to push them and stretch them. There is pressure to succeed. In that pressure to succeed, every child seems to want to really stand out, but also fit in completely at the same time. We are in a hyper-achieving culture. There is high pressure to succeed academically, athletically, and morally. Our children are scared of failure. Being different is awesome except being different is awful. There is turmoil inside. We want to be great, and get recognized and be noticed, but only for that exact perfect thing all the time. It’s very important to pay attention to your conversations as you get your child ready for school. We may or may not know what we are dropping them into. We do not want to add another weight to their soul as they head into school. Your kids are your treasure. Your kids are God’s arrows. Your kids are excited. Your kids are scared. It’s good for us to remember that as we set ourselves up to enter the year as best we can, and so we can set our children up to thrive. What can we do in response to these truths? Think about grounding routines for you and your family. Your family is more important than school, sports, clubs, and work. What works for you that is regular, rhythmic, and consistent for your family to do as a grounding routine? I recommend my free resource, Fun Family Conversations. Use routine to invest in your kids. Develop statements for your kids’ identity, mission, purpose, and affirmation. Margin—Everything is easier with margin. Leave space in your day. Don’t’ allow your kids to be involved in everything, they’ll be happier. Power of the Debrief. Ask questions: “How is this different in light of the fact that Jesus died and rose from the dead?” Teach your kids to apply the gospel to all areas of their life. Tweet This Is there anything in this life that you have invested more time, effort, energy, and resources in than your children? Click To Tweet Middle school is as hard to navigate as any time of life, period. Including adulthood Click To Tweet In that pressure to succeed, every child seems to want to really stand out, but also fit in completely at the same time. Click To Tweet Being different is awesome, except that being different is awful. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Free to Focus by Michael Hyatt Atomic Habits by James Clear Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. Parenting By Paul David Tripp Camp Living Stones, Tennessee Click here to download my free Fun Family Conversations eBook. Family Wealth by James Hughes

We’ve all been there. Life gets to be so overwhelming that we start using words like “stress” and “anxiety” to describe the way it makes us feel. What can be done about it? How do we unpack, rearrange, or maybe eliminate the heavy boxes in our lives? My friend and Christian Counselor, Brian Neal, joins me again today to share wisdom on the matter. A father of six, husband of 28 years, and Marriage and Family counselor, Brian provides a few strategies for tackling these stacks. (Click here to listen to Brian’s previous interview in episode 122, “How Can We Benefit from Counseling.”) Show Highlights Who is my returning guest, Brian Neal? Brian is a Christian Marriage and Family counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida. Brian has an office in Palm Beach Gardens, and also provides online counseling to Florida residents via True Course Counseling. What is one of the most common areas of need for Christian counseling? Emotional stress and feelings of being overwhelmed. Teens, parents, families all have more and more piled on their plates these days. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America says, “Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S. affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older.” This is over 18% of the population. Is the term “mental illness” always appropriate? Isn’t anxiety something that can be chemical/genetic or circumstantial? How are they differentiated? Anxiety and stress can be viewed on a spectrum. For some, there is a chemical origin, and for others, it may be circumstantial. If panic attacks keep a person from functioning, you may be crossing into the anxiety disorder part of the spectrum (mental illness). Differentiating is often attempted by looking at an individual’s beliefs of themselves, their environment, and their past. Was there a traumatic event? A broken relationship? Etc. The stressors in our lives can be likened to 20lb boxes. Each box contains a different area of stress. If a person is figuratively carrying multiple 20lb boxes, and then given an additional one while being expected to carry out their day-to-day tasks, they’d feel overwhelmed. The pressure would mount, and stress and anxiety would begin to take over. The first strategy for managing stress and anxiety is to identify what your boxes are and what is making them so heavy. Most often the boxes have labels like work, children, family issues, illness, finances, etc. Sometimes, the heaviest box cannot be changed (terminal illness, for example). However, the smaller boxes can be rearranged or eliminated by dealing with them intentionally. The next step is to begin looking at each box one-by-one. Can the box be dropped from 20lb to 10 or 5lb? If the load is a little lighter, carrying the boxes that can’t be changed will be more manageable. Take a piece of paper and list all of your daily activities. Next to each activity, list how much time you spend on it. This will give you a picture of how busy you really are. Look at the times you’ve written down. Now identify which of those activities you think negatively about. Quickly, you’ll see where your heart is and what is hurting it. This is what defines a heavy box. After you’ve identified a box, take steps to address the problem. Do you need to have a conversation with someone? Say “no” or step down from something? Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Be intentional about living in community with others (like a church small group). These are the people you can, and should, ask for advice. Remember, while you don’t have to take the advice you’re given, it’s better than not asking at all. It’s best to seek advice from multiple people, and include non-family members. A second exercise for identifying and managing stress and anxiety is to create a timeline of positive and negative experiences. Get a piece of paper. Make a line that starts with “childhood” and ends with “present.” Then, list all the positive experiences you can think of on the top of the line, and all of the negative experiences on the bottom of the line. This exercise is great for helping individuals identify the potential root for current stressors. Find someone to talk through the timeline with – often times this will result in remembering additional details. Sometimes, these critical details prove to be the key to it all. Recurrent areas of stress and anxiety: finances, sex, in-laws, and communication. Identifying the issues within these categories won’t solve them, but all it takes to get started is intentional communication. Seek balance in your life, and actively prioritize “margin”. Is your day maxed out with errands, obligations, extracurriculars for the kids? When you look at your boxes, is Jesus in one of them? With no margin, no room to breathe each day, every day will be a struggle. Jesus should not be one of your boxes. Instead, you need to prioritize time with Him; abide in Him. Jesus, and our time with Him, is to be our source of rest, not a source of stress.   Thank you to my patreon supporters!  You are making the show notes and production of the show possible!  If you believe in Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can support the show for as little as $1 an episode. Tweet This What boxes are in your stack? Click To Tweet With no margin, there's no ability to put yourself in a place to even listen to your spouse or kids. Click To Tweet Relationship with Jesus is NOT one more box. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Click here to download my free Fun Family Conversations eBook. Free to Focus by Michael Hyatt

Today, I’m talking to the guys. But ladies, I think you will be blessed by the conversation today, too. I hope you’ll join me as I talk about ways husbands can help their wives when they’re overwhelmed. I’m going to provide tools and solutions that you can implement right away, and I encourage you to share these with others. This is the next podcast in my You Ask It, I Answer It series. To view the last episode, click here. Show Highlights When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, listen first without jumping to a solution. Men and women have been designed by God to communicate in distinctly different ways. A study was done where the brains of men and women were scanned while a story with a problem was told. For the women, the empathy section of their mind remained engaged throughout the story. Women are able to work out problems by verbalizing, sharing, and receiving emotional sympathy. Able to fix it themselves, often. For the men, the “fix it” section of their mind lit up rapidly. Men are wired to provide solutions and fix things. Men, stay engaged. Don’t jump to problem-solving mode. When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, ask questions. Ask your wife about the specifics of the situation. Often, women are able to work out their problems by verbalizing, sharing, and receiving emotional sympathy. When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, acknowledge the emotions of the situation. You can positively impact a conversation, and encourage her, by expressing thoughts like, “I bet that is really frustrating” or “You must have been really hurt by that.” Try to imagine the feelings you would have if you were walking through the situation. Emotions are 100% accurate in telling us how we’re interpreting the situation. They are not 100% accurate in describing reality. Acknowledging her emotions can help to diffuse them. When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, encourage the good you see her doing. Share observations like, “I know you’re overwhelmed, but I see you doing [fill in the blank] really well.” When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, and you can’t help but think of a solution: Ask your wife this question: “Would it help you for me to listen and talk this through with you, or would you like help in finding a solution?” When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, pray with her. Before you do anything, pray together. Pray the peace of God on her life, that she would see where Jesus is working and moving, that God would intervene, for strength, endurance, and Jesus’s glory. When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, memorize Scripture. Specifically, Matthew 6:25-34.   As always, thank you to my patreon supporters!  You are making the show notes and production of the show possible!   Tweet This Emotions are 100% accurate in telling us how we’re interpreting the situation. They are not 100% accurate in describing reality. Click To Tweet Men, stay engaged. Click To Tweet Has god given me the grace for today? What makes me think when I wake up tomorrow morning that He will not give me grace for tomorrow? Click To Tweet   Resources Mentioned Fun Family Conversations eBook.

What if my primary love language is not physical touch and my spouse’s is?  Spouses can each experience love differently, but to have a healthy marriage, it’s vital to learn how to love your spouse in the ways they receive love.   Listen to this episode to grow in your understanding of the importance of physical touch, learn how to actively love your spouse better even if physical touch isn’t your primary love language, and even learn about the many benefits of physical touch. Show Highlights The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman: Quality Time Physical Touch Words of Affirmation Acts of Service Gifts The premise is that we tend to give love in one or two primary ways, and we tend to receive love in one or two primary ways.  Conflict arises in marriage often when we give love in a way that isn’t the primary way my spouse is looking to receive it. When it comes to physical touch, it sounds simple when you don’t have a problem with it.  Issues could come from: abuse, past physical relationships, sensory issues, etc. Get therapy.  Pay for it.  Get the help you need.  You’ve committed to this person until death do you part.  Spend generously to invest in making this is a healthy, fruitful marriage that’s a blessing to you and the world. Important scenarios to consider – My definition of love is that “I am out for your best” -> agape love / unconditional love You’re it.  YOU are the outlet for your spouse’s physical affection.  Kids, pets, and friends do not replace spousal touch.  Commit to being the best spouse you can be.  Be open, be honest, ask questions. What if your aversion is because you’re interpreting every instance of physical touch as an advancement towards sex? Sometimes this happens because physical touch is so rare, and sex is so rare, it’s actually the case. Be liberal and generous with your touch. Don’t resent the fact that your spouse wants to have sex with you.  A lot.  When you were dating, it might have been really hard to keep your hands off one another, and you were happy when they were physically attracted to you. Benefits of physical touch from www.getold.com/4-ways-physical-touch-keeps-you-healthy It creates a sense of security.  When you receive positive physical touch, your skin’s nerve endings send a message to your brain that you are safe and secure. It reduces stress.  A chemical reaction tells your body to relax.  Touch stimulates oxytocin, which calms and facilitates bonding. It improves heart health.  It reduces blood pressure and lowers pulse, which puts less stress on your heart. It may help you avoid catching colds and the flu.  Lowering your cortisol increase your ability to fight disease. Whether it’s a cuddle with your partner or a heartfelt hug with your kids, the simple act of touch can brighten a bad day, help you relax, and even fight off illnesses.  If you’re not making time for it, you’re missing out on the one of the easiest and quickest ways to improve your overall well-being. Do everything you can to meet your spouse’s need for physical touch because you’re out for their best.  Do all you can so they look to you as their spouse for the things they are supposed to look to you for. Homework today: Give affirming, positive physical touch to your spouse.  Hug your kids. Tweet This Whether it’s a cuddle with your partner or a heartfelt hug with your kids, the simple act of touch can brighten a bad day, help you relax, and even fight off illnesses.  If you’re not making time for it, you’re missing out on the one of the easiest and quickest ways to improve your overall well-being. Resources Mentioned The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs Love and Sex: Four Ways Physical Touch Keeps You Healthy by Diana Kelly Hands On Research: The Science of Touch by Berkeley University