Let's Parent on Purpose: Christian Marriage, Parenting, and Discipleship

Today we’re going to have a unique conversation with Tim Price, who is the father of a Down Syndrome child. We’re going to better learn how to train our children to love others with special needs. I really think you will be encouraged as you listen to this interview. If you find this podcast helpful, you can subscribe and click here to find past topics and free resources. Feel free to share with others, as well! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter on my homepage. Tim’s wife, Amy, has written a beautiful essay on the experience of raising a child with special needs. I will be including that essay in my newsletter! Show Highlights Tim Price is a member of my church and came to Christ as an adult. He is a mental health counselor, specializing in substance abuse and co-occurring mental health issues. He has been married to Amy for thirteen years and has two little girls. Their youngest daughter, Kherington (“Kiki”), was born with Down Syndrome. Tim and Amy help other families with special needs children and act as a bridge of understanding for those of us not walking through this particular challenge. What is Down Syndrome? It is a chromosomal disorder where you have a third 21st chromosome, which causes physical differences as well as psychological, emotional, and learning delays. Some characteristics that others may not know: Down Syndrome children do learn; It just takes longer. There is a delay in processing and answering. So, wait patiently. There are physical issues. Heart issues and arthritis are common. Life span is shorter. An adult with Down Syndrome typically has an IQ of 50. What effect did a special needs child have on your marriage? We were blown away and realized things were going to be different. It definitely puts a strain on a marriage. The statistics are staggering – most men leave. Amy was accepting very quickly. It took me months of being angry and questioning God. We haven’t gone through it alone. That has made a huge difference. For families that have all kinds of special needs, hear this: It is natural to grieve and be mad at God. There are more similarities than differences between children with special needs and those without them. It is just that the differences really stand out. You are not alone. Most children are not special needs children, so helping families understand how to show the heart of Jesus and how to train kids to interact well with those who have special needs is important. What are some of the interactions you have had that have been hurtful? Seeing your child left out. I don’t think peers or kids intentionally leave special needs kids out. Older kids are a little more understanding and a little more patient. Kids can be cruel without even intending to be so. All kids are sinners, but they’re typically not malicious. Children are naturally curious. How can parents coach their children when they see someone who clearly looks different? Model behavior like you would model any other behaviors. Don’t scold them for asking questions in public, even inappropriate questions. If you are kind and loving in your responses and in your interactions with your children, the person who it is directed to will respond because they want to interact with people too. What do you suggest parents do with the questions? Answer them on the spot. Answer them in a kind way and be aware of your body language as well. Bring the curiosity out and don’t shame them for it. You don’t want to communicate that a special needs person is a shameful person. Don’t stare. Go up and say hi to people with special needs. They would rather have a conversation than have people staring at them. Any other thoughts that you think are helpful to communicate? You can talk to your kids at home about kids with special needs. Prepare them at home. Your children will become much better people and followers of Jesus with sustained friendships and interactions with those who are different. Create opportunities. Volunteer with organizations. Tweet This There really is a lot of life on the other side of finding out that diagnosis. Click To Tweet They’ve got hopes. They’ve got dreams. They’ve got feelings. They want to be included. They want to play. They’re kids. Click To Tweet The special needs child knows they have special needs. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Emily Perl Kingsley’s “Welcome To Holland” Article

Do you have a plan for getting your children through college debt free? Today’s conversation is incredibly helpful to that end. Anthony ONeal, author of the new book Debt Free Degree and speaker with Dave Ramsey’s team talks with me today about how we can get our children through college without going into debt, so that they can thrive into adulthood. Since 2003, Anthony ONeal has helped hundreds of thousands of students make smart decisions with their money, their relationships, and their education. He is a national best-selling author who travels the country, spreading his encouraging message to help teens and young adults start their lives out right. He has a new book, Debt Free Degree, that I received an advanced copy of. I devoured it and had got to have a great conversation with him. You can follow Anthony on Youtube, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and on his website, which has some incredible resources. If you find this podcast helpful, you can subscribe and click here to find past topics and free resources. Feel free to share with others, as well! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter on my homepage. Additionally, I just want to thank you for listening and remind you that I have a slew of resources that I want to send to you as part of my newsletter. When you go to my website and sign up, you are going to get a new e-book that I wrote called Fun Family Conversations, a marriage snapshot inventory that you can take with your spouse, a Marriage on Mission tool that helps you vision cast and create a family mission statement, as well as a scripture memory tool. I want to give these to you to help strengthen and enhance your family. Show Highlights I loved my interview with Anthony. I’m passionate about this message. I’m walking this journey right now and I feel like I need all the help that I can get at helping my family get through college debt-free. I encourage you to listen and pass this information on. Anthony’s book basically starts with a game plan that begins when your child hits 7th grade. But anywhere you pick up along the way will be helpful. Those of you who are elementary parents, you get to be way ahead on this. J: I have enjoyed talking to you before and I’m excited to bring you here to my friends today. I wanted to start with a question: How did you end up as a 19 year old homeless man? A: I grew up in a Christian-faith home. I had four parents (two biological parents, two step-parents). My mom, my stepfather, and my siblings live in San Diego, California. My father and stepmother live in Fayetteville, NC. They raised me in the Christian faith – knowing God, knowing about church, the Bible, and school. But they never taught me about finances and life skills. When I graduated high school, I didn’t really know much. I knew how to read the Word and quote the Word, but I didn’t know how to spend my money and budget my money. You know, what is a credit card? What is a debit card? What is a credit score? Why do I not need a credit score? When I was in college, I put myself into $35,000 worth of debt ($15,000 in credit card debt, $10,000 in student loans and another $10,000 in furniture loans). I made some bad mistakes and decisions in college and because of that I got kicked out. When I got kicked out of college, my family and I disagreed on some things and my father said that since I thought I was a grown man and had made this decision, I was going to live with these consequences. So, he didn’t allow me to come home and it really hit me hard because I became homeless. I had to live in the back of my car at the age of 19 because my friends wouldn’t allow me to come over to their place. J: So, three questions I have for you from your story. You had math classes in school? Is that right? A: I did have math classes. J: You probably had algebra, geometry. What else did you have beyond that in high school? A: Just the basic classes that were required. J: So isn’t this crazy because this is exactly what I see over and over again. You can be the valedictorian of your high school, you can go through Calculus 3 in high school and still walk out of high school with no concept of financial literacy. You don’t know what compound interest is or how debt really works. Was that your case? A: Absolutely. I think our school systems are doing a great job with teaching us how to read, write, and process information, and even add, multiply and divide. But here’s the thing: you’re right. They’re not teaching us life skills. They’re teaching us all this adding, and geometry, and algebra stuff, but they’re not teaching me how to budget. They’re not teaching me how to add money on a piece of paper and how to pay my bills and what is not necessary and what is necessary. I’m not knocking our education system. I’m just saying that we’re missing some things that are important. And it’s not just our high schools. Our college system isn’t teaching it, which is even more depressing because college is preparing you for your career. But you’re not preparing me for what my career is going to bring me, which is money – money to pay my bills. I love our education system, but I do believe we need to fix it and add some things to it. And that’s one of the things we’re doing at Ramsey Solutions. J: Yeah and it doesn’t matter how much college prepares you to make money. Let’s take you back to your freshman year. Did you go into college with a lot of debt? A: I went into college 100 percent debt-free. I went in there with scholarships and my father’s GI bills. So, I didn’t need any money for college at all. J: You said by the end of two or three semesters you were $35, 000 in debt? A: Within a year. J: What was step one of falling into that debt trap? A: I was on a college campus and I wasn’t educated enough to know to avoid certain people. As I was walking to class, a guy who was representing his bank offered me free pizzas and drinks for a credit card, which was my first credit card of $500 dollars. I filled it out because I just really wanted the free stuff. And what’s so funny is that they are doing the same thing now. They’re going to offer you 10, 20, 50 percent off at a clothing store if you sign up for the credit card. But they know that it’s not really free. You’re going to eventually pay them back for what they’ve given to you. Nothing’s free in this world. Nothing’s really discounted. Because at the end of the day, the person who’s doing that – the bank, store, – they’re going to get their money. Studies show that 99 percent of the people who use credit cards, do not pay the balance off within thirty days before the interest rate hits. And that’s how they get you.  When I hear people say “I’m getting a credit card because of the reward points, or because of this or that,” I just think its bogus and something we need to stay away from. J: You’re pretty passionate about credit card companies and how they’re hooking young people. In some ways they’re getting more sophisticated, but as you were talking about, you don’t have to be sophisticated sometimes. Here’s two free pizzas. I know that at Universal Studios as you go into the park , they’re offering you a free day in the park if you sign up for this credit card. What are some of the other tactics that you’ve seen that they try especially on young people? A:  Right now, it’s just that they are offering free stuff. And another thing is they’re offering discounted stuff. They’re getting very creative. One thing that I’m seeing with college students and that generation is not just credit cards but online stores also. They’re getting very creative on how they are trapping college students into debt. Which is why it frustrates me, because not only are they graduating with the average of $35, 000 in student loans, but then they’re graduating with another $4-$6 thousand in credit card bills – all while they’re in college. That’s just something that I’m passionate about and we’ve got to make sure that were teaching these young people how to get into college debt-free and how to survive and graduate debt-free. I want them going to college debt free, getting their degrees, and walking across the stage the same way they came in – 100 percent debt-free. And I show them how to do that in the book. J: Now I am excited to talk about your book. I’ve got one more question before we get into it because I think it’s really important for moms and dads to hear. When you were telling your story, you said that your dad basically told you that “you decided you’re a man, you got yourself into this. I’m not bailing you out.” How did you feel about your dad at that moment? A: I felt like my dad left me hanging to be honest with you. I felt like my dad didn’t really love me because how do you feel loved when someone says you’re not welcome home? I didn’t understand that my dad was giving me tough love, he was giving me true love, he was giving me “man love.” Sometimes tough love from a father doesn’t come off appealing. He knew that if he allowed his son to come home that his son would not become a man. He would stay the same boy. So, he said I had to teach my son how to grow up and that’s exactly what he did.  That was probably the lowest point of my life. It was a hard season. I felt like my dad didn’t love me. I had some ill thoughts and ill feelings towards my father and my mother. I even questioned my own life – why am I here? I questioned my Christianity. Is there really a God? Because why would He allow this to happen. But it was God that really checked my whole spirit about my decisions. That was the season of my life that I realized that where I’m at in my present is because of the poor decisions I made in my past. So, I made a vow that day that I’m going to change the caliber of my future by changing the choices and decisions I make today. And my ultimate mission is to teach all people that the caliber of all our futures will be determined by the choices we make right now. For those listening to this podcast, what choices can you make better that will impact your future and maybe your family’s future? That’s what I am very passionate about. J: Galatians 6 says that “whatever a man sows, he will reap.” One of the things I see over and over again in families is that parents get under their kids and catch them when they fall, when they really should not because some hurt is good for kids because it will teach them not to do it. And that way they don’t get into situations later that are so dangerous, so out of control that there’s going to be a major crash. So, props to your dad for a very hard decision on his part. J: I had the joy of getting an advance copy of your book Debt Free Degree. It comes at the perfect time. As a matter of fact, we were at my daughter’s school talking about application deadlines, scholarships that are available, and my wife and I were nudging each other because we have both read the book. So, tell me about Debt Free Degree? A: Debt Free Degree is the step-by-step process of how to get your kid into college and through college 100 percent debt-free. Student loans have become normal and normal is not setting our kids up for success. It’s setting them up for failure. The average student graduates with $35,000 in student debt. They’re walking into college thinking if I go to college I’m going to make enough money to pay this thing back. But studies are showing us that 12 years after they graduate, the average person still owes about 65 percent of the student loan. This book is about helping all people make better decisions up front, so they can really graduate with a solid foundation and walk into their dream fields, start purchasing homes, start businesses, and not worry about their pasts in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. We have people waiting on the government for student loan forgiveness and the government is failing. Only 1 percent of those individuals have been qualified. We have nearly 100,000 people walking into education thinking their students loans would be forgiven and look at them now. They’re stressed. It is time for us to take action in our own hands and start teaching our young people and start equipping our parents on “here’s how you do it.” Here’s how you do it in the 7th-12th grades. You name it. It’s all in the book. This is why I’m so passionate about it because I just want to help people make better decisions to get into college debt-free. J: Anthony, your book would be worth buying for the first two chapters. You have some charts in there that help explain just how little your dollar goes. You show some real life scenarios of “if you have this amount of debt and you’re in this field making the average pay, it’s shocking how little bit of money you have.” You did a great job with that. What do you say to people who say that college debt is good debt because a college degree will help you earn for the rest of your life? A: College debt is not good debt. There is no such thing as good debt. Debt is debt. When we look at what’s happening in today’s day and time, how is $1.6 trillion good debt? How is that helping you out that you’ve got to pay back student loans, but you’re not even investing into your retirement? The first two chapters I talk about the wrong way and the right way. When I hear people say that I get fired up, I get frustrated, but I get it. That’s what our culture is teaching our young people. That’s what our culture is teaching our parents. But that’s why I’m here. That’s why I’m traveling the world – to teach them the total opposite: it’s not good. J: You mentioned that no debt is good debt. The thing about a mortgage is at least you can sell the house and get out of it. You can’t sell your degree. You can’t sell a degree to get out of a loan. You’re saying that anyone can go to school debt-free. How do you do it? A: There’s three practical ways you can do it. But before I get to those ways, I want to talk about the two most important things when it comes to our mindset. We have to take debt off the table. We have to say that debt is not even an option. Parents going into their 401(k) – that’s not an option. We are going to take debt off the table. Talk about your vision. Where do we want to go? What is the plan? When there is no vision, that’s where people perish. Here’s three practical things I always suggest to parents: You’re going to save. We’re going to do the research. What are the best options for my child when it comes to their degrees? You can work and cash flow that degree. We’re going to look for ways to save. You’re going to find money. I’m challenging parents to make sure their kids get off social media for at least an hour a day and look up grants and scholarships. Be focused and live with intentionality. You’re going to work.  J: When would you encourage parents to start planning for college? A: As early as possible. I’m teaching that 7th grade is when you really need to start having this conversation. I teach this in Debt-Free Degree – “here’s what you need to say, here’s what you need to be doing at every stage of their lives. What are the classes? What are the curriculum you need to be looking into? What are the leadership programs you need to be looking into? When do you need to start prepping for the ACT and the SAT?” It’s a step-by-step process. J: What would you say to parents who have actually saved for their child’s college, but their student hasn’t yet show the aptitude or the motivation to take their education seriously? I can see how that would be a scary thing for a parent. A: I can definitely see how that could be a scary thing for a parent. If you’ve saved all this money and you’re not really seeing the young people interested in going to college, I’m having this conversation: “I’m not spending a dime. I’m not wasting my hard-earned money and forcing my child to go to college because that’s what I want them to do.” I’m going to have a conversation with them and ask “What do you want to do with your life? What’s the route?” If they say they want to go into the military, okay. If they say “I want to be a doctor.” Well, you’re not acting like it. We need to switch this thing around. Because sometimes I think we try to sugarcoat things with our kids to encourage them more, but sometimes they need the truth. We’re not going to hand you this. You need to earn this. You need to show us that you are really wanting this. They need to understand that their future is in their hands, not their parents’ hands. The Bible says it is the parents’ job to “train up a child in the way that they should go.” Not give them the way that they should go. Young people need to say “I’m going to take control of my life. I’m going to do as much as I possibly can. It’s the parents’ responsibility not to be in front of them but to be behind them pushing them on, encouraging them. You’re not just giving them everything that they need because they’ll never take ownership that way. J: Anthony ONeal, you are a wise man. This is a big week for you. Debt Free Degree is now out on Amazon, bookstores, your website. Where else would you suggest that they get the book from? A: Definitely my website because you don’t just get my book when you buy from my website. You also get the Scholarship Tool, a FAFSA PDF that walks you through how to get grants and scholarships, a college calculator that shows you where you are in the college process, what’s the best affordable school for you. But you’re more than welcome to go to Amazon. Tweet This That was the season of my life when I realized...where I’m at in my present is because of the poor decisions I made in my past. Click To Tweet Student loans have become normal and normal is not setting our kids up for success. It's setting them up for failure. Click To Tweet College debt is not good debt. There is no such thing as good debt. Debt is debt. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Debt Free Degree by Anthony ONeal Anthony’s Youtube Anthony’s Facebook Anthony’s Twitter Anthony’s Instagram Scholarship Tool FAFSA Guide College Calculator College Prep Checklist College Visit Checklist

Do you ever feel awkward or overwhelmed with the thought of talking to your teenagers about sex? Author and Christian counselor, Eliza Huie, joins me today as we talk through this immensely practical book that she wrote called Raising Teenagers in a Hyper-Sexualized World.  I found this book so helpful and insightful that I asked the author, Eliza Huie, to come and discuss what she brings to light in the book. Eliza is the Director of Life Counselling Ministry and the Dean of Biblical Counselling at Metro-Baltimore Seminary. Eliza is also a wife, mother of three, and new mother-in-law to one! Depending on what you’re dealing with right now, this podcast might be a life-saver for you. And if you’re not there yet, you will be. So, I just encourage you to take this podcast and share it with those who are there right now. Today’s episode is brought to you by my Patreon supporters, who I would like to thank and who make all this possible. Through your help, I was able to interview Eliza from a distance, upgrade equipment, and utilize an audio editor. Some recent Patreon supporters I’d like to thank are: Steve and Keisha Peterson, Brad and Robin Rogers, Sally Harris, and Nick VanGoor. Thank you so much! If you would like to help support the show, you can become a patreon, subscribe to the podcast, and sign up for my weekly newsletter. Show Highlights J: Thank you for joining me, Eliza.  I do want to state that I sought you out. One of my good friends handed me this book and I think I read it in a day. Can you tell me why did you write this book, Raising Teenagers in a Hyper-Sexualized World? E: I didn’t set out to write a book. This was a thesis project for the Master’s degree that I was in and one of our assignments was to write something that was really practical. I wrote it and my professor told me I should teach it or put it out there for other people. So, I put it out as a free book online and a publisher contacted me and asked if I’d mind taking it down, and they would publish it and try and get it out to more people. This is a publisher who is really looking for books that are very readable and very practical so that people actually get through it. I think one of the biggest struggles, especially as parents, is to find the time to read an entire parenting book. So that was really the motivation behind it. J: I would love to walk through some of your guideposts for parents. Did you have a particular parent or parenting situation in mind as you wrote this? E: Yes. There really wasn’t a whole lot written to parents raising teens. It was a lot of parenting in the earlier years and so I wanted to target that audience specifically. I had just kind of started to finish the teen years myself. We have three children and I think my youngest was 17 or 18 when I wrote this. So, I felt like I really wanted to help that age group and parents raising that age group. I started with just tips for parents. In the book they’re written as “Don’ts.” Don’t do this or don’t do that. However, it’s actually a very positive book. It gives you a lot of “Do’s” in the midst of the “Don’ts.” I wanted to start with helping parents from a biblical standpoint to understand their teens. To understand that the teenage years is the stage of a lot of chaos in teens’ bodies and in their minds. I wanted to help parents understand how they’re made, and to be compassionate in light of that, especially in light of their sins, during that time-frame. J: Absolutely. Having been a youth pastor for 20 years now, I can tell you that this is so helpful as a parent. If I was talking or counselling someone else, I would say that this is obvious, but when it’s your family and your situation it feels like the stakes are so infinitely high. So, let’s get into these guideposts. Don’t overreact. Can you speak to this and why you started with it? E: Mostly because that’s our natural tendency, especially in the teen years. In the younger years, it seems like we have a lot more understanding to the fact that they are toddlers or they’re little children. As they get to be about our size, we tend to have a lot more expectation of how they’re going to respond to things. So, when they respond in ways that are still foolish, it’s easy to overreact, especially when it comes to sexual sin or even sexual exploration. If we find our children exploring certain things, having curiosity about certain things, or we catch them in certain things related to sexual sin, the easiest thing to do is overact and feel like this is the worst thing. And I think that’s really what I wanted parents to step away from. This really isn’t the worst thing that could happen, depending on what your child is struggling with or dealing with. It’s really a part of the growing up process-to become sexually curious. That’s really why I wanted to start with that because it’s easy to overreact as parents. J: It really is. I think one of the things that helps with perspective is just to realize that we grew up in a pretty hyper-sexualized world, as well. It’s not like this all just started in the last ten years. I think it’s more in their faces now. When I was young, you had to actively seek pornography out. Now, it’s chasing them. I think it’s hard as a parent to remember that because we live in terror that their life is going to be over if they go down this path. And the truth is that we’re going to flub this up the whole way through life, and the Lord is going to use it and redeem it. When parents overreact to sexual sin, they can create an environment where sexual sin seems like the worst thing possible, and overreaction inhibits continual communication. What have you seen with that? E: That is one of the reasons I put this at the beginning. We want to create an environment where we keep talking about sex and sexuality and the questions that they have. But overreacting really stops the conversation. It stops them from coming to us because we freak out and go to the extreme and lay down really hard consequences. There should be consequences. However, we want consequences that don’t stop a behavior, but actually help us to continue to engage our children.  Our reaction really dictates that. I do really want to encourage parents that if they have overreacted, kids are pretty forgiving of our overreactions. J: I think that often times, sexual sin is not in a bubble – there are other sins. It can feel like an anvil put on your chest, as a parent. So, how do you not overreact to this? It seems to hit every area of life, but a lot of times those other sins are reactionary sins from the initial one. Don’t preach or lecture. E: I think this is really hard for parents because we feel like we have to get it all in. This is the conversation that we need to have, and we have to hit every point. But one of the things that you want to watch for is their eyes glazing over. Once you see that happening, you’ve lost them. So, keep your conversation small and trust that you’re going to get a second swing at this. And the truth is: you do. You get a second swing at these things. Knowing that keeping it shorter allows them to process, allows you to give them some space, and then you can revisit it in future times. J: Especially if they’ve done something wrong and they’re willing to come forward on it. That can be a hard balance because what they did might be absolutely revolting to you, but there’s a bigger principle at play here, which is that bond of trust. It’s like what does God do when I come and confess my sin? Does he vomit all over me at that point? No. He forgives. Will there be consequences? Yes. Don’t disconnect. J: Why is that so important? E: It is so important because by the time you have teenagers, you’ve been parenting a long time and it’s really easy at that point to click on “autopilot.” You feel like you’ve said what you can say, you’ve done what you can do, and it’s easy to check out. But the truth is that in the teen years (it won’t seem like it from them), our children actually need us more. Your kids actually want to learn about sex from their parents. They want to talk to their parents about it. So, it’s all the more important to really stay engaged in this season of parenting. J: Often times most of our talks with our teens happen just as we’re about to head to bed after a long day. I’m exhausted at the end of the day and that’s when my teenage daughter comes alive. She comes home ready to spill her day and I’m a zombie. But how important is it to keep engaged during that time when they’re ready to be engaged? E: I think what your saying is what I have felt and what others have felt: it’s not convenient most of the time. Teens like to stay up late and that is when they tend to get a little more talkative and more engaged in conversation. Finding the time is not going to fit our agenda as much as it did when our kids were younger, and that’s when we’re going to have to fight. Not just our weariness in parenting, but our weariness in the day. Capitalizing on those moments and being able to hear where they’re at and listen to them. Let them know that you’re glad you were able to talk, and plan a time to talk more. J: Plan a date to continue the conversation. When you get on that date, you probably won’t talk about that conversation at all, but you’re still connecting with the heart. Don’t think, “Not My Kid.” J: You don’t want to have this mentality, do you? E: No. I think that this is especially true with Christians. Believers have to really fight against this because as we’ve raised them, we read Bible stories, we took them to church and church camps, and we did all that we really could do to raise them up in the Lord. There can almost be a sense of, “this won’t happen to my child.” But the truth is that they live in a world where the average age of exposure to pornography is 8 years old. And it’s in the home. Ninety percent of kids view pornography at home. It’s easy to kind of feel like we’ve done all the right things, and that therefore, it will never be my child. But that’s not only setting yourself up for a lot of pain and failure, but your children, as well. J: How much of the “not my kid” mentality is really because I’m terrified for my child or because I think it’s a reflection on me? And it’s really an attack on my pride – the fact that my child would be involved in something. How much do you think that plays in? E: I think you’re really touching on the core of that. Ultimately, our children do reflect a lot of us. And that’s where we have to be anchored in our own identity in Christ and be able to trust that we are in process and our children are in process and the Lord is working on us. There’s a humility factor there. I think we have to embrace, especially as our kids become teens and they make a lot of decisions that are completely their own, that this is where we get to trust that our confidence is in Christ and not in our parenting. It shows how much we are using our children as a means of finding a sense of accomplishment J: I had really good parents. They loved me and I never doubted that they loved me. That didn’t stop me from doing whatever I wanted sometimes. I know my rebellion was against the Lord, but I didn’t consider it a rebellion against the Lord. I loved the Lord. I didn’t consider it a rebellion against my parents. I just wanted to do what I wanted to do. We, as adults, compartmentalize. As a teen – they’re masters of compartmentalization, and so we have to watch and be careful sometimes that we don’t take their sin as a direct affront against us. Sometimes it’s just the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, the pride of life. Don’t avoid discussing the changes that they are experiencing. J: Why is it important to not avoid? Are there age ranges that you would recommend exposing different talks? E: The reason I wrote this little mini chapter is because a lot of the times we don’t know all that’s going on in our kids’ bodies physiologically. When I wrote this book, I had to do a whole lot more study than what is put into the actual book. I found myself having a much deeper compassion towards my teenage boys because of knowing what was going on in their bodies. Part of it is just helping them be aware and letting them know that some of the stuff they’re dealing with is just physical. Not taking it personal becomes very important because you’re going to see mood swings like roller coasters in this age. Some of that has to do with the chemical changes happening in their body and helping them become more aware of that is a grace that you can give them in this season. J: Dan Scott wrote a book, Caught In Between: Engage Your Preteens Before They Check Out, on helping formulate stuff in your church for preteens and I learned so much about what was happening in the wiring of a brain. If you look at the brain of an early teenager, it looks like the brain of a toddler, where they’re making connections all across the place and that’s a lot. Unfortunately, they’re put in a holding pen with several hundred or thousand other children experiencing the same thing. No wonder middle school is so miserable for so many people. We can’t avoid these conversations, can we? E: Exactly. And it’s helpful for us to know what’s going on. It’s helpful for us and it’s helpful for them. Don’t underestimate the role you play in your teen’s life. J: I think many parents don’t feel they have that big of a role. They think that its friends, media, and all of that. What would you say to the mom and dad that feel like their influential time is largely passed? E: Yes. They will come across that way. But, the truth is that they do really want to be able to talk about certain things with their parents. I think that one of the things that is so important for parents is to recognize that their role has changed at this point. I would say that the majority of the conflict that happens between parents and teens is from parents actually not recognizing that their role has changed. You went from telling your kids to do everything, and that has to shift. What we want to do is move from authority to influence. If we can influence them, we’re going to have greater impact for them in their lives. Paul Tripp writes in Age of Opportunity a lot about that – dealing with our own hearts is a lot of what’s happening there. J: I think it’s in the book Parenting Teens with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay that one of the challenges we have is we give tremendous freedom in decision-making to our children in the elementary years. Then, we hit the teenage years and we remember being teenagers and we realize that the stakes of decision-making have now radically increased. So, what happens is we do this massive course correction and we suddenly restrict what seems like a natural growth of decision-making to the teen and we can come off as unreasonable and hyper-restrictive. Now, you have more of an influencer role than an authoritarian one and that can be hard. You have a massive role; it just keeps changing. Don’t send teens the wrong messages about sex. J: What’s the right message about sex? E: What I see in mainstream Christianity and in Christian circles is a real strong emphasis on sex being negative, on sex being bad, and on sex being evil. That’s just not biblical. When we look at Genesis, we see God as the designer, the creator of sex, and that He gave it as a blessing. It says that He spoke to Adam and Eve, and He blessed them, and He said be fruitful and multiply. The only way you can be fruitful and multiply is by having sex, so in this blessing was sex. I think that a lot of the reason why we make it big, bad, and ugly is because we’re afraid of them making decisions that are going to be lifelong or that affect them for the rest of their lives. But in that fear, we tend to create a mindset that sex is bad. Then when they get married, they somehow have to change gears and see sex as good. As a counselor I’ve seen this be very challenging for people. So, we want to give them a biblical view of sex – that God created it for man and woman in marriage and that it’s good and beautiful. J: I remember teaching a series on sex and talking about culture’s lies. One of the lies is that sex is primarily physical, and the truth is sex is primarily relational. So, making the point to these kids that if you want to have an amazing sexual life, work on your relational skills right now. And what’s great is that married sex (where there’s intimacy and there’s no fear of rejection) is the goal. It’s not that sex is bad, but that sex is a gift from God; a celebration of this relationship that’s meant to last a lifetime. You have done such a good job with this. I really appreciate it. Additionally, you’ve written another book that I’m excited to talk about. Would you just mention that one really quick? E: Sure. These books are actually part of a series. There’s five or six of them in the series. I’ve written two: Raising Teenagers in a Hyper-Sexualized World and Raising Kids in a Screen-Saturated World. That one definitely speaks to what a lot of parents struggle with, which is navigating this digital world that our kids are native to. J: You sent me that book and I just finished it and its fantastic. If someone wants to get a hold of these books, do you have a best recommendation for how they should do that? E: Sure. The best way is directly through the publisher. They’re also available on Westminster Bookstore or on Amazon. J: One final question: how can we pray for you during this season of your life? E: That God would use me in the opportunities that are ahead and that I would be able to be a conduit and a blessing to parents. Tweet This They’re masters of compartmentalization, and so we have to watch and be careful sometimes that we don’t take their sin as a direct affront against us. Click To Tweet But the truth is that in the teen years (it won’t seem like it from them), our children actually need us more. Click To Tweet You have a massive role; it just keeps changing. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Eliza’s Website Eliza’s Twitter Eliza’s Publisher Age of Opportunity by Paul Tripp Raising Teens in a Hyper-Sexualized World by Eliza Huie Raising Teens in a Screen-Saturated World by Eliza Huie Caught In Between: Engage Your Preteens Before They Check Out by Dan Scott Parenting Teens with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay

Nathan Buchanan is an operator of two Chick-Fil-A franchises in Martin County, Florida. He’s also a husband and the father of five children as well as a pastor’s kid and a follower of Jesus. He manages to get exceptional quality service out of a group of rotating teenagers. Join me as I interview Nathan and discuss how the principles found in the Chic-Fil- A franchise can help you parent your children. If you find this podcast helpful, you can subscribe and click here to find past topics and free resources. Feel free to share with others, as well! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter on my homepage. If you would like to suggest a topic, let me know here or on the Facebook page. Show Highlights J: What is the ideal culture in your restaurant? N: First we have to define culture. I would define it as the sum of all the behaviors and attitudes within an organization. An ideal culture is one in which we have individuals with positive growth-minded mindsets, who are well-trained in behaviors that we want them to perform and have a great attitude. In management, we manage the behavior side of it. Behaviors are quantifiable. I can see your smile or your physical or verbal reactions. Attitudes on the other hand are qualifiable. So I can tell if you have a good or bad attitude, but I can’t really manage it. J: Do you measure smiles in your house? N: We measure behaviors. In my restaurant, I rent the behaviors of my team for the time they are in my restaurant. However, in a house it is a different set of behaviors. Children have chores and things they are responsible for cleaning and maintaining. They have to behave a certain way towards their siblings or their parents. So we manage the behavior. We say “don’t do that, but do this behavior instead.” J: Go more deeply into what you mean by “renting behaviors.” N: There are two types of relationships in the world. There is a conditional relationship, such as an employee-employer relationship. In this relationship the conditions are: you do a certain type and amount of work for me and I give you a certain amount of money. Then there is the unconditional relationship, such as a father-daughter relationship, where that relationship cannot change no matter how good or bad it is. In the conditional relationship of the restaurant, I rent the behavior of the team member while they are on the clock. I tell them what to do, what to say, what to wear, etc, but only in that limited context. There are some unconditional relationships where I have that same responsibility. I have a responsibility to teach my kids how to interact with others, how to dress, and how to behave. I have a responsibility to go through those same management principles in that unconditional relationship as I would in the conditional relationship of my restaurant to help my child come self-disciplined. J: So, “renting” in regards to parenting is like: “this is the expectation and this is the payout for what you do.” You don’t have to bring any emotions into it. N: Emotions are a tricky thing. They are really important. They are useful to convey the depth of feeling that is driving the conversation. But when you parent with emotion, your child responds to that emotion, and your child then has justification to their own actions in response to yours. They can self-justify. J: You spend your life now recruiting and developing high school students to work in a professional environment. Your workforce is constantly changing, but in your restaurant, the service and quality of the food stays excellent. It feels like it depends on the individual that you have there, so what have you figured out in your environment that has helped that? N: There are a couple of things that we have figured out that may not correlate directly to parenting: 1) If you choose the person that fits your job, it makes life a lot easier. We look for people with specific talent-sets or natural talents. We look for self-discipline, shared values, and intrinsic hunger or drive. All we have to do is inspire them to be better than they already are. 2)  If we hire someone who can’t do the job or won’t do the job, we part ways with them quickly. But you can’t do that with your children. J: You mentioned figuring out when people can’t, wont, and don’t know how. This is a really helpful parenting skill as well. How do you figure this out? N: We go through the roster and measure their actions and whether they help the team. We ask “Is it because they can’t?”And if they can’t then we ask them “How can we help you get to a better place?” The Wont’s are great but they’re immature, so we set specific expectations and hold them accountable or we get performance out of their replacement. The Don’t Know Hows are a group of people who can’t figure things out intuitively. We focus on them and make sure they know exactly what we expect. In parenting, specificity drives accountability, and accountability will drive performance. As parents, it’s our role to really get specific about our expectations with the kids. The more specific you can get, the easier it’s going to be to hold your kids accountable. J: As a parent you don’t get to recruit your children and you don’t get to fire them. But there have to be principles that are translated back and forth. What can parents learn from the way Chic-Fil-A runs its operation? N: Get on it early. Make sure your child know what you mean when you say no and then it gets easier from there. Also, celebrate the behavior that you want. Get specific with expectations and rules and hold ramifications for those expectations. Specificity drives accountability and accountability drives performance. You need to be friendly but not their friend because you’re going to have to hold them accountable. You have to constantly challenge them to grow. When children have self-discipline, you can give them more trust. You have to be trustworthy as a parent. Integrity, authenticity, and personal discipline make trust happen. Discipline in principle and not in anger. Be aware of who your kids are spending time with. You do have the authority to tell them what to do and how to do it. J: Describe the culture that you think parents should strive for to have a thriving, fruitful home? N: I want to provide a safe and secure environment where young people can grow and mature rightly. The culture that you want in your home is a safe and secure environment where people are challenged to grow and mature and are given guidance to grow and mature. I want my kids to become great adults, not necessarily have a fun childhood. You create the culture and that’s just the expectation that happens. J: How do you think parents miss the mark in character formation? N: It’s a twofold answer: I think as parents we are too caught up in our own lives and, sometimes, we just want the kids to leave us alone. We miss teachable moments. We make the mistake of trying to get outward compliance instead of an inward change of attitude. A lot of times as parents we just want compliance because then we can go on with our day. And our children will comply, but then they’re silently still rebelling in their hearts. We miss that to our peril. We are the first authority figure that God has given to them. If kids don’t learn to obey us, they’re not going to obey their boss, the police, the government, etc. J:  Parents, don’t miss that mark of how much character formation takes place in the home. Tweet This Specificity drives accountability, and accountability will drive performance Click To Tweet You do have the authority to tell them what to do and how to do it. Click To Tweet I want to provide a safe and secure environment where young people can grow and mature rightly Click To Tweet Parents, don’t miss that mark of how much character formation takes place in the home. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned It’s Ok to Be the Boss: The Step-By-Step Guide to Becoming the Manager Your Employees Need by Bruce Tulgan Patrick Lencioni Marcus Buckingham Jim Collins Daniel Pink Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership by John Maxwell  

Today we are talking with my friend, Jenny Price, and an incredible, practical tool for couples to strengthen their marriage called Marriage on Mission. Jenny is a Pastor’s wife, mother of five, and coach who is passionate about building healthy marriages. The Marriage on Mission tool is one that will help you and your spouse dream, plan and sharpen your direction in a healthy way. If you find this podcast helpful, you can subscribe and click here to find past topics and free resources. Feel free to share with others, as well! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter on my homepage. SHOW HIGHLIGHTS No matter what stage your marriage is in, if you can get your marriage on mission, you can push toward health. Marriage is the one thing that is definitively shaping our nation. It is not government or healthcare; it is growing healthy marriages. You do not have to simply endure a hard marriage. Putting your marriage on mission will help it grow healthy and thrive. Everything stems from relationships. The fruit of your relationship with your spouse will have a long-lasting impact after you are gone. The most important concept to remember concerning your marriage is that the ultimate mission is not to stay married or have a good marriage. If your marriage is the most important thing to you, it has become an idol. If marriage is the highest priority, you are depending on your spouse to satisfy things that only God can satisfy. There is no person to complete you, and if you are looking to your spouse to do that, you are setting them up for something they are incapable of doing. Your marriage should be a blessing and an absolute source of joy, but it is not your core identity and it is not the main source of joy in your life. Marriage should be combined with: Ministry Careers Eternity So, where should one start to get their marriage on mission? The following steps are part of the Marriage on Mission tool. I encourage you to print the full resource out as it contains additional details that will help you and your spouse get the most out of the exercise! Ask yourself where you are right now. You can’t work on where you want to go without knowing where you are starting from. Talk to your spouse about where they are. Sometimes, one spouse might feel they are in one place and the other has a totally different take on it. We all carry presumptions! It should not scare us if one feels the relationship is in a better place than the other. Evaluating where you both are should not be an exercise in ascribing worth to the other. Do vision-casting exercises. This exercise takes about an hour and a half and is great for a date night: Spend 5 minutes praying and getting into context. Spend 20 minutes individually writing your 1 year vision. This resource provides a number of questions you can use for this step. Read what each other has written. Pay attention to the similarities and differences you discover. Set S.M.A.R.T goals. These should stretch us and push us. Specific Measurable Attainable Risky Timely Focus on eternity. Long for God. He is the goal! Think: My marriage matters because of the legacy that God is building in me. Is my marriage pointing others to Christ? Set a mission statement rooted in scripture. Find a scripture passage that you want your family to be about and live by it. TWEET THIS Everything stems from relationships. Click To Tweet Your marriage should be a blessing and an absolute source of joy, but it is not your core identity and it is not the main source of joy in your life. Click To Tweet My marriage matters because of the legacy that God is building in me. Click To Tweet RESOURCES MENTIONED Marriage on Mission Tool Jenny’s Website Jenny’s Facebook Jenny’s Instagram Heaven by Randy Alcorn The Weight of Glory by C. S. Lewis Jay’s Newsletter Jay’s Email Let’s Parent on Purpose Facebook Page Episode 50: Depression and Anxiety in Parenting and Marriage Episode 120: How Your Marriage Affects Your Parenting

Spiritual warfare is all around us. It exists in our everyday lives. However, we often overlook aspects of it because we are looking for the big moments of fighting instead of the small daily instances.  So, today I want to look at a certain aspect of spiritual warfare that I believe can derail our families and our relationships with others if left unchecked. If you like the content of this podcast and find it insightful and helpful, please subscribe. If you would like to support Let’s Parent on Purpose and our ministry, please consider becoming a patron. For more information pertaining to the topic of this podcast, please check out this article on spiritual warfare on the Focus on the Family website. Show Highlights To begin, we need to understand that human beings are spiritual beings. The two aspects are not separate. Yet, we do separate them all the time by believing that we are spiritual beings when we attend church, read the Bible, or pray, but we are regular humans the rest of the time. This is not true. You are a spiritual being no matter what you do. I want to look at a certain aspect of spiritual warfare today because spiritual beings are engaged in spiritual warfare. The aspect of spiritual warfare that gets overlooked is: The subtlety of spiritual warfare on a daily basis We often think of spiritual warfare as big battles such as divorces or major addictions or dysfunctions in the home. But what if spiritual warfare started so small that you didn’t even realize it was there? In my experience, spiritual warfare is: little conflicts little discords little annoyances It is death by a thousand relational cuts, and since we don’t realize that the relationship has a spiritual side, we don’t realize the stakes. Spiritual warfare often looks like relational funk between me and you. Know this: You enemy is not your husband, or kids, or the drug dealer in your neighborhood. It is Satan. Your enemy is a spiritual enemy, roaming quietly, looking for opportunities. One major opportunity that will destroy relationships is pride. Pride is: the most anti-God sin that exists. It is anti-people as well. It will kill your house. It will kill your unity. It will kill your relationship with others and your relationship with God. There is a weapon we can use to fight this spiritual battle and that weapon is grace. Grace heals what pride kills. Grace is what allows us to live in a home full of sinners. The pathway to grace starts with humility with God and with others. You can resist the devil by submitting and humbling yourself to God. I want to leave you with three steps to help you fight this battle: Think about the conflicts in your life and submit them to God. Evaluate where those conflicts might have been amplified by your pride. Humble yourself and extend grace with no expectation of return from that other person. Try it and let me know how it works. Send me an email. Here is an extra piece of practical advice: When you feel like you are under attack or in a spiritual battle, pray this out loud: I am a child of God Bought by the blood of Jesus And I claim the blood of Jesus over my life I claim the blood of Jesus over my household And I pray in the name of Jesus and I command any evil force that might be around to leave in the name of Jesus and by the power of Jesus’ blood Remember that there is power in the blood of Jesus when you are under the blood of Jesus. Tweet This: You are a spiritual being no matter what you do. Click To Tweet Spiritual beings are engaged in spiritual warfare. Click To Tweet Spiritual warfare often looks like relational funk between me and you. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis Focus on the Family Jay’s Email  

Today I am joined by my good friend, Melissa Weimer. Melissa is a wife, mother, and the ministry leader of Celebrate Recovery at Covenant Fellowship Baptist Church. During this episode, Melissa shares her encouraging redemption story, starting with how she began spiraling into addiction at a young age and how that carried into her early years of marriage and parenting. As you listen, I think you will see that Melissa’s story is Jesus’ story.   If you find this podcast helpful, I’d love for you to subscribe and share with your friends! If you would like to help support Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can do so by becoming a patron. I send a weekly email called “Things for Thursday” and it includes things I’ve found helpful related to parenting, marriage, and sometimes just things I find funny! You can sign up for “Things for Thursday” by joining my newsletter from the homepage of letsparentonpurpose.com. Finally, I’ve been using an internet filtering program called “Covenant Eyes.” It’s a wonderful, Christian-based program, and we have it on all of our computers at home. By following this link, you’ll be able to support this podcast.   Show Highlights Our backgrounds can propel us into addiction. Family addiction can be a potential catalyst for adulthood addiction. Not having repercussions or consequences can escalate the problem. What can keep us in our addictions and away from God and His grace? Fear of God and His displeasure in us can make us walk away from Him. Denial of our problems prolongs our descent into addiction. Thinking we have everything under control makes us resist help. What propels us into action about our addiction? Hitting rock bottom can make us realize our need to be saved. Realizing the hurt that we have put others through can fuel our desire for change. Realizing that we have no control over our lives allows us to ask for help. What is Celebrate Recovery? A 12-step program with 8 biblical principles that help us dig into who we are and why we seek out certain addictions continually. The program gives us tools to break the cycle and find our identity and worth in Christ. The program is about finding our identity in Christ and not in our problem. The program is about connecting with others and finding healing through support and confession. We are not our addictions! We all have issues, but we should not be defined by them. Christ is continually working in us. Defining ourselves by our addictions shortchanges Christ’s power in us. What are the effects of recovery? For the individual: There will always be trust issues that you will have to endure. See them as a way to celebrate and show others that you have nothing to hide anymore. Hold tight to your identity in Christ as you pursue sobriety, grace, peace, and happiness. Become involved in a church and give back to others. For the family: Realize that you cannot change the person; you can only love them. Support them, not the problem. Do not enable their issues.   Tweet This I just felt like I was never enough. Click To Tweet At that point, I realized I had become everything I swore I would never become. Click To Tweet If you're still alive, you're wrestling with something. Click To Tweet   Resources Mentioned Covenant Eyes Celebrate Recovery Find a Group: https://locator.crgroups.info/ Life’s Healing Choices by John Baker

Today, we’ll be talking about discerning which battles are worth fighting with our children, teenagers, and our spouses. How do we know which battles to pick and when to let go? Together, we’ll look at some really helpful questions to ask as we seek to navigate these challenges with wisdom. SHOW HIGHLIGHTS When do I let my kids make their own decisions, and when do I stay involved? This question applies to so many areas of life: grades, dating, friendships, a clean room, respect, their relationship with God, work ethic – the list goes on. How do we know which battles to pick? Here are some principles to remember: Curiosity—what is the reason they are doing what they are doing? Correlation—people, especially our children, are a bundle of contradictions Don’t let things slide that will be detrimental to them later in life Don’t let your kids do things that make you dislike them. These are things that will cause other people to dislike them. Some things don’t matter as much as we think. Get some feedback—outside perspective. Ask other parents, for example. In our house—”We speak highly” of one another. This creates an environment of safety. Some things matter more than we think. Example: Girls, watch how a guy treats his mom. Guys, watch how a girl treats her father. Lying, disrespect, etc. are not small things. Eighteen is not the finish line for parenting or developing as a human being. Think of yourself at 18, and now. How much have you changed? Don’t judge your children’s current character development by your character development today.   How to Pick Battles with Our Children Messymotherhood.com has four excellent questions to ask: Will this hurt my child or someone else? Will this cause property damage? Will this go against our family’s rules, values or beliefs? Will this interfere with other plans (does this prevent us from moving on)? If the answer to these questions is “no” and the behavior is still bothering you, ask yourself this final question: why do I feel like I need to stop this behavior?   How to Pick Battles with Our Teens: Here are some helpful questions to ask: How can I get to the heart of my child? Get them to see the why behind my heart. Is this issue ultimately for their good, or a matter of my pride? Am I more concerned about the way it reflects on my parenting ability? This is not the type of criteria to be using. What will be most helpful for their life and character? Sometimes, suffering and facing consequences is most helpful. Does your teen fight you over going to college? There is wisdom in holding back on incurring debt for an education they have no interest in immediately after high school. Ask yourself: Am I stepping in the way of God? Consider that God may be teaching them through the tough consequences. If they have trouble being on-time to work as a 16-year-old? This is the time to let them fail, let them get fired.   How to Pick Battles in Marriage: Have as few battles as possible. Are you evaluating your perception of their love for you by tasks that aren’t in their wheelhouse? Maybe they’re expressing love for you in a way you aren’t recognizing. Be careful about entering into battle. Is this battle truly over the heart or a mechanical function?   Ultimately, when picking your battles—choose wisely, choose rarely, and make sure they actually matter.   Thank you for your positive ratings and reviews! Your feedback is encouraging and appreciated, and really helps promote the podcast for others!   Thank you to my Patreon supporters – you helped me attend a podcast convention this past week, and it was amazing. I am tremendously grateful for your partnership!   TWEET THIS Am I stepping in the way of God? Click To Tweet How can I get to the heart of my child? Click To Tweet When picking your battles—choose wisely, choose rarely, and make sure they actually matter. Click To Tweet   Resources Mentioned Youtube: Lets Parent on Purpose Covenant Eyes Episode 32: Boulders, Backpacks & Boundaries Episode 46: Behavior Should Make You Curious with Bradley McAlister Episode 51: Prioritizing Your Battles Cone of Responsibility 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos by Jordan Peterson www.messymotherhood.com                                  

We’re going to change things up today. We’re going to do a little devotion about a big truth. Walk with me through my favorite Psalm, 127, and learn how we can apply it to our lives. Show Highlights This was a song they would sing as they were marching up the temple steps in Jerusalem each year. It beings as a powerful reminder that, “Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.  Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.” Think about the protective measures for our families we have put in place-health insurance, home insurance, car insurance, savings – all to treat our children well and d protect them from the unknown. No matter how many safeguards we put in place, we are just not in control. This can be terrifying, but, it should also be freeing! We are responsible but we are not in control. What does that mean? Wouldn’t it be better if being responsible meant we were in control? We are responsible to be faithful with what God has put in front of us. We are not in control of the outcome. We are responsible for our own: Decisions. Intentions. Reactions. We are in charge of duties given to us by God, but the outcomes are often a mystery. Eternally, we know God works them for good, but in the day-to-day, we don’t always see how. According to Psalm 127, if I’m not in control that means God is. We should rest better at night knowing this! Be in awe of God’s power! Rely on God to keep your family together. Children are a heritage from the Lord Do you look at your children as arrows? Do you see your children as objects of power and influence for the Lord? Arrows for you to gather, sharpen, and launch into the world on behalf of Christ? Do you value each child as their own unique arrow for God to mold and shape? There is freedom in having no control. Trust in God to preserve your family. There will always be that “one thing.” We require daily dependence on the Lord. We are built for eternity. God will be there, no matter the outcome. Be encouraged to memorize Psalm 127. It should be a continual grounding force in your life. Look at your children as precious arrows given by God. Invest in them as you would anything that could radically shape and change the world. They are the Lord’s arrows. Owning this brings freedom. I would love to pray for you and your “one thing” that you need to trust the Lord in. Please feel free to email me at jay@letsparentonpurpose.com   Tweet This I am responsible but I am not in control. Click To Tweet God’s given me duties to do, but the outcomes are often a mystery. Click To Tweet There will always be that ‘one thing.’ Click To Tweet   Resources mentioned Parenting By Paul David Tripp Camp Living Stones, Tennessee Click here to download my free Fun Family Conversations eBook. Want to try audible for free? www.audibletrial.com/letsparentonpurpose

Today’s big question: How do you, as a parent, emotionally and spiritually set yourself up for starting the school year off well? I want to propose four truths to consider, and what we might do in response to these truths. Audible credits have allowed me to enjoy books such as Free to Focus, Atomic Habits, Harry Potter books, and The Body Keeps the Score. I highly recommend Parenting by Paul David Tripp. In it are not tips and tricks on how to be a good parent, but direction on resetting your heart for what God has called you to do. Want to try audible for free? www.audibletrial.com/letsparentonpurpose   Show Highlights Truth #1: My children are my Treasure. Is there anything in this life that you have invested more time, effort, energy, and resources in than your children? Family Wealth by James Hughes. In Family Wealth, Hughes writes about how families can preserve their wealth for multiple generations. The greatest treasures in your family are the individuals in your family, as well as their ideas and their capabilities. We spend so little time strategically thinking through the multiple generations that are going to come out of us. Are you thinking about your grandkids? Your great-grandkids? When I take my kid to school, I am dropping off the greatest treasure God has given me outside of my personal salvation and marriage relationship. Truth #2: My Children are God’s Arrows Psalm 127:4— my favorite verse. “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.” Your children are God’s arrows. You have your children in the quiver. You sharpen them. You launch them into the world as God’s ambassadors. They are your ambassadors, too. Kids carry your family name. Truth #3: My Children are Excited They are seeing new people, opportunities, clothes, shoes. The unknown creates real excitement. Truth #4: My Children are Scared There is a lot of unknown with the beginning of each year. We do poorly to minimize what they are scared of, to dismiss it. Middle school is as hard to navigate as any time of life, period. Including adulthood. To the capacity that they are right now, this is as hard as they have ever experienced, and it’s going to push them and stretch them. There is pressure to succeed. In that pressure to succeed, every child seems to want to really stand out, but also fit in completely at the same time. We are in a hyper-achieving culture. There is high pressure to succeed academically, athletically, and morally. Our children are scared of failure. Being different is awesome except being different is awful. There is turmoil inside. We want to be great, and get recognized and be noticed, but only for that exact perfect thing all the time. It’s very important to pay attention to your conversations as you get your child ready for school. We may or may not know what we are dropping them into. We do not want to add another weight to their soul as they head into school. Your kids are your treasure. Your kids are God’s arrows. Your kids are excited. Your kids are scared. It’s good for us to remember that as we set ourselves up to enter the year as best we can, and so we can set our children up to thrive. What can we do in response to these truths? Think about grounding routines for you and your family. Your family is more important than school, sports, clubs, and work. What works for you that is regular, rhythmic, and consistent for your family to do as a grounding routine? I recommend my free resource, Fun Family Conversations. Use routine to invest in your kids. Develop statements for your kids’ identity, mission, purpose, and affirmation. Margin—Everything is easier with margin. Leave space in your day. Don’t’ allow your kids to be involved in everything, they’ll be happier. Power of the Debrief. Ask questions: “How is this different in light of the fact that Jesus died and rose from the dead?” Teach your kids to apply the gospel to all areas of their life. Tweet This Is there anything in this life that you have invested more time, effort, energy, and resources in than your children? Click To Tweet Middle school is as hard to navigate as any time of life, period. Including adulthood Click To Tweet In that pressure to succeed, every child seems to want to really stand out, but also fit in completely at the same time. Click To Tweet Being different is awesome, except that being different is awful. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Free to Focus by Michael Hyatt Atomic Habits by James Clear Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. Parenting By Paul David Tripp Camp Living Stones, Tennessee Click here to download my free Fun Family Conversations eBook. Family Wealth by James Hughes