Let's Parent on Purpose: Christian Marriage, Parenting, and Discipleship

Today, we’ll be talking about discerning which battles are worth fighting with our children, teenagers, and our spouses. How do we know which battles to pick and when to let go? Together, we’ll look at some really helpful questions to ask as we seek to navigate these challenges with wisdom. SHOW HIGHLIGHTS When do I let my kids make their own decisions, and when do I stay involved? This question applies to so many areas of life: grades, dating, friendships, a clean room, respect, their relationship with God, work ethic – the list goes on. How do we know which battles to pick? Here are some principles to remember: Curiosity—what is the reason they are doing what they are doing? Correlation—people, especially our children, are a bundle of contradictions Don’t let things slide that will be detrimental to them later in life Don’t let your kids do things that make you dislike them. These are things that will cause other people to dislike them. Some things don’t matter as much as we think. Get some feedback—outside perspective. Ask other parents, for example. In our house—”We speak highly” of one another. This creates an environment of safety. Some things matter more than we think. Example: Girls, watch how a guy treats his mom. Guys, watch how a girl treats her father. Lying, disrespect, etc. are not small things. Eighteen is not the finish line for parenting or developing as a human being. Think of yourself at 18, and now. How much have you changed? Don’t judge your children’s current character development by your character development today.   How to Pick Battles with Our Children Messymotherhood.com has four excellent questions to ask: Will this hurt my child or someone else? Will this cause property damage? Will this go against our family’s rules, values or beliefs? Will this interfere with other plans (does this prevent us from moving on)? If the answer to these questions is “no” and the behavior is still bothering you, ask yourself this final question: why do I feel like I need to stop this behavior?   How to Pick Battles with Our Teens: Here are some helpful questions to ask: How can I get to the heart of my child? Get them to see the why behind my heart. Is this issue ultimately for their good, or a matter of my pride? Am I more concerned about the way it reflects on my parenting ability? This is not the type of criteria to be using. What will be most helpful for their life and character? Sometimes, suffering and facing consequences is most helpful. Does your teen fight you over going to college? There is wisdom in holding back on incurring debt for an education they have no interest in immediately after high school. Ask yourself: Am I stepping in the way of God? Consider that God may be teaching them through the tough consequences. If they have trouble being on-time to work as a 16-year-old? This is the time to let them fail, let them get fired.   How to Pick Battles in Marriage: Have as few battles as possible. Are you evaluating your perception of their love for you by tasks that aren’t in their wheelhouse? Maybe they’re expressing love for you in a way you aren’t recognizing. Be careful about entering into battle. Is this battle truly over the heart or a mechanical function?   Ultimately, when picking your battles—choose wisely, choose rarely, and make sure they actually matter.   Thank you for your positive ratings and reviews! Your feedback is encouraging and appreciated, and really helps promote the podcast for others!   Thank you to my Patreon supporters – you helped me attend a podcast convention this past week, and it was amazing. I am tremendously grateful for your partnership!   TWEET THIS Am I stepping in the way of God? Click To Tweet How can I get to the heart of my child? Click To Tweet When picking your battles—choose wisely, choose rarely, and make sure they actually matter. Click To Tweet   Resources Mentioned Youtube: Lets Parent on Purpose Covenant Eyes Episode 32: Boulders, Backpacks & Boundaries Episode 46: Behavior Should Make You Curious with Bradley McAlister Episode 51: Prioritizing Your Battles Cone of Responsibility 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos by Jordan Peterson www.messymotherhood.com                                  

We’re going to change things up today. We’re going to do a little devotion about a big truth. Walk with me through my favorite Psalm, 127, and learn how we can apply it to our lives. Show Highlights This was a song they would sing as they were marching up the temple steps in Jerusalem each year. It beings as a powerful reminder that, “Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.  Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.” Think about the protective measures for our families we have put in place-health insurance, home insurance, car insurance, savings – all to treat our children well and d protect them from the unknown. No matter how many safeguards we put in place, we are just not in control. This can be terrifying, but, it should also be freeing! We are responsible but we are not in control. What does that mean? Wouldn’t it be better if being responsible meant we were in control? We are responsible to be faithful with what God has put in front of us. We are not in control of the outcome. We are responsible for our own: Decisions. Intentions. Reactions. We are in charge of duties given to us by God, but the outcomes are often a mystery. Eternally, we know God works them for good, but in the day-to-day, we don’t always see how. According to Psalm 127, if I’m not in control that means God is. We should rest better at night knowing this! Be in awe of God’s power! Rely on God to keep your family together. Children are a heritage from the Lord Do you look at your children as arrows? Do you see your children as objects of power and influence for the Lord? Arrows for you to gather, sharpen, and launch into the world on behalf of Christ? Do you value each child as their own unique arrow for God to mold and shape? There is freedom in having no control. Trust in God to preserve your family. There will always be that “one thing.” We require daily dependence on the Lord. We are built for eternity. God will be there, no matter the outcome. Be encouraged to memorize Psalm 127. It should be a continual grounding force in your life. Look at your children as precious arrows given by God. Invest in them as you would anything that could radically shape and change the world. They are the Lord’s arrows. Owning this brings freedom. I would love to pray for you and your “one thing” that you need to trust the Lord in. Please feel free to email me at jay@letsparentonpurpose.com   Tweet This I am responsible but I am not in control. Click To Tweet God’s given me duties to do, but the outcomes are often a mystery. Click To Tweet There will always be that ‘one thing.’ Click To Tweet   Resources mentioned Parenting By Paul David Tripp Camp Living Stones, Tennessee Click here to download my free Fun Family Conversations eBook. Want to try audible for free? www.audibletrial.com/letsparentonpurpose

Today’s big question: How do you, as a parent, emotionally and spiritually set yourself up for starting the school year off well? I want to propose four truths to consider, and what we might do in response to these truths. Audible credits have allowed me to enjoy books such as Free to Focus, Atomic Habits, Harry Potter books, and The Body Keeps the Score. I highly recommend Parenting by Paul David Tripp. In it are not tips and tricks on how to be a good parent, but direction on resetting your heart for what God has called you to do. Want to try audible for free? www.audibletrial.com/letsparentonpurpose   Show Highlights Truth #1: My children are my Treasure. Is there anything in this life that you have invested more time, effort, energy, and resources in than your children? Family Wealth by James Hughes. In Family Wealth, Hughes writes about how families can preserve their wealth for multiple generations. The greatest treasures in your family are the individuals in your family, as well as their ideas and their capabilities. We spend so little time strategically thinking through the multiple generations that are going to come out of us. Are you thinking about your grandkids? Your great-grandkids? When I take my kid to school, I am dropping off the greatest treasure God has given me outside of my personal salvation and marriage relationship. Truth #2: My Children are God’s Arrows Psalm 127:4— my favorite verse. “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.” Your children are God’s arrows. You have your children in the quiver. You sharpen them. You launch them into the world as God’s ambassadors. They are your ambassadors, too. Kids carry your family name. Truth #3: My Children are Excited They are seeing new people, opportunities, clothes, shoes. The unknown creates real excitement. Truth #4: My Children are Scared There is a lot of unknown with the beginning of each year. We do poorly to minimize what they are scared of, to dismiss it. Middle school is as hard to navigate as any time of life, period. Including adulthood. To the capacity that they are right now, this is as hard as they have ever experienced, and it’s going to push them and stretch them. There is pressure to succeed. In that pressure to succeed, every child seems to want to really stand out, but also fit in completely at the same time. We are in a hyper-achieving culture. There is high pressure to succeed academically, athletically, and morally. Our children are scared of failure. Being different is awesome except being different is awful. There is turmoil inside. We want to be great, and get recognized and be noticed, but only for that exact perfect thing all the time. It’s very important to pay attention to your conversations as you get your child ready for school. We may or may not know what we are dropping them into. We do not want to add another weight to their soul as they head into school. Your kids are your treasure. Your kids are God’s arrows. Your kids are excited. Your kids are scared. It’s good for us to remember that as we set ourselves up to enter the year as best we can, and so we can set our children up to thrive. What can we do in response to these truths? Think about grounding routines for you and your family. Your family is more important than school, sports, clubs, and work. What works for you that is regular, rhythmic, and consistent for your family to do as a grounding routine? I recommend my free resource, Fun Family Conversations. Use routine to invest in your kids. Develop statements for your kids’ identity, mission, purpose, and affirmation. Margin—Everything is easier with margin. Leave space in your day. Don’t’ allow your kids to be involved in everything, they’ll be happier. Power of the Debrief. Ask questions: “How is this different in light of the fact that Jesus died and rose from the dead?” Teach your kids to apply the gospel to all areas of their life. Tweet This Is there anything in this life that you have invested more time, effort, energy, and resources in than your children? Click To Tweet Middle school is as hard to navigate as any time of life, period. Including adulthood Click To Tweet In that pressure to succeed, every child seems to want to really stand out, but also fit in completely at the same time. Click To Tweet Being different is awesome, except that being different is awful. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Free to Focus by Michael Hyatt Atomic Habits by James Clear Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. Parenting By Paul David Tripp Camp Living Stones, Tennessee Click here to download my free Fun Family Conversations eBook. Family Wealth by James Hughes

We’ve all been there. Life gets to be so overwhelming that we start using words like “stress” and “anxiety” to describe the way it makes us feel. What can be done about it? How do we unpack, rearrange, or maybe eliminate the heavy boxes in our lives? My friend and Christian Counselor, Brian Neal, joins me again today to share wisdom on the matter. A father of six, husband of 28 years, and Marriage and Family counselor, Brian provides a few strategies for tackling these stacks. (Click here to listen to Brian’s previous interview in episode 122, “How Can We Benefit from Counseling.”) Show Highlights Who is my returning guest, Brian Neal? Brian is a Christian Marriage and Family counselor in West Palm Beach, Florida. Brian has an office in Palm Beach Gardens, and also provides online counseling to Florida residents via True Course Counseling. What is one of the most common areas of need for Christian counseling? Emotional stress and feelings of being overwhelmed. Teens, parents, families all have more and more piled on their plates these days. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America says, “Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S. affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older.” This is over 18% of the population. Is the term “mental illness” always appropriate? Isn’t anxiety something that can be chemical/genetic or circumstantial? How are they differentiated? Anxiety and stress can be viewed on a spectrum. For some, there is a chemical origin, and for others, it may be circumstantial. If panic attacks keep a person from functioning, you may be crossing into the anxiety disorder part of the spectrum (mental illness). Differentiating is often attempted by looking at an individual’s beliefs of themselves, their environment, and their past. Was there a traumatic event? A broken relationship? Etc. The stressors in our lives can be likened to 20lb boxes. Each box contains a different area of stress. If a person is figuratively carrying multiple 20lb boxes, and then given an additional one while being expected to carry out their day-to-day tasks, they’d feel overwhelmed. The pressure would mount, and stress and anxiety would begin to take over. The first strategy for managing stress and anxiety is to identify what your boxes are and what is making them so heavy. Most often the boxes have labels like work, children, family issues, illness, finances, etc. Sometimes, the heaviest box cannot be changed (terminal illness, for example). However, the smaller boxes can be rearranged or eliminated by dealing with them intentionally. The next step is to begin looking at each box one-by-one. Can the box be dropped from 20lb to 10 or 5lb? If the load is a little lighter, carrying the boxes that can’t be changed will be more manageable. Take a piece of paper and list all of your daily activities. Next to each activity, list how much time you spend on it. This will give you a picture of how busy you really are. Look at the times you’ve written down. Now identify which of those activities you think negatively about. Quickly, you’ll see where your heart is and what is hurting it. This is what defines a heavy box. After you’ve identified a box, take steps to address the problem. Do you need to have a conversation with someone? Say “no” or step down from something? Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Be intentional about living in community with others (like a church small group). These are the people you can, and should, ask for advice. Remember, while you don’t have to take the advice you’re given, it’s better than not asking at all. It’s best to seek advice from multiple people, and include non-family members. A second exercise for identifying and managing stress and anxiety is to create a timeline of positive and negative experiences. Get a piece of paper. Make a line that starts with “childhood” and ends with “present.” Then, list all the positive experiences you can think of on the top of the line, and all of the negative experiences on the bottom of the line. This exercise is great for helping individuals identify the potential root for current stressors. Find someone to talk through the timeline with – often times this will result in remembering additional details. Sometimes, these critical details prove to be the key to it all. Recurrent areas of stress and anxiety: finances, sex, in-laws, and communication. Identifying the issues within these categories won’t solve them, but all it takes to get started is intentional communication. Seek balance in your life, and actively prioritize “margin”. Is your day maxed out with errands, obligations, extracurriculars for the kids? When you look at your boxes, is Jesus in one of them? With no margin, no room to breathe each day, every day will be a struggle. Jesus should not be one of your boxes. Instead, you need to prioritize time with Him; abide in Him. Jesus, and our time with Him, is to be our source of rest, not a source of stress.   Thank you to my patreon supporters!  You are making the show notes and production of the show possible!  If you believe in Let’s Parent on Purpose, you can support the show for as little as $1 an episode. Tweet This What boxes are in your stack? Click To Tweet With no margin, there's no ability to put yourself in a place to even listen to your spouse or kids. Click To Tweet Relationship with Jesus is NOT one more box. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Click here to download my free Fun Family Conversations eBook. Free to Focus by Michael Hyatt

Today, I’m talking to the guys. But ladies, I think you will be blessed by the conversation today, too. I hope you’ll join me as I talk about ways husbands can help their wives when they’re overwhelmed. I’m going to provide tools and solutions that you can implement right away, and I encourage you to share these with others. This is the next podcast in my You Ask It, I Answer It series. To view the last episode, click here. Show Highlights When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, listen first without jumping to a solution. Men and women have been designed by God to communicate in distinctly different ways. A study was done where the brains of men and women were scanned while a story with a problem was told. For the women, the empathy section of their mind remained engaged throughout the story. Women are able to work out problems by verbalizing, sharing, and receiving emotional sympathy. Able to fix it themselves, often. For the men, the “fix it” section of their mind lit up rapidly. Men are wired to provide solutions and fix things. Men, stay engaged. Don’t jump to problem-solving mode. When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, ask questions. Ask your wife about the specifics of the situation. Often, women are able to work out their problems by verbalizing, sharing, and receiving emotional sympathy. When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, acknowledge the emotions of the situation. You can positively impact a conversation, and encourage her, by expressing thoughts like, “I bet that is really frustrating” or “You must have been really hurt by that.” Try to imagine the feelings you would have if you were walking through the situation. Emotions are 100% accurate in telling us how we’re interpreting the situation. They are not 100% accurate in describing reality. Acknowledging her emotions can help to diffuse them. When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, encourage the good you see her doing. Share observations like, “I know you’re overwhelmed, but I see you doing [fill in the blank] really well.” When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, and you can’t help but think of a solution: Ask your wife this question: “Would it help you for me to listen and talk this through with you, or would you like help in finding a solution?” When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, pray with her. Before you do anything, pray together. Pray the peace of God on her life, that she would see where Jesus is working and moving, that God would intervene, for strength, endurance, and Jesus’s glory. When your wife says she’s overwhelmed, memorize Scripture. Specifically, Matthew 6:25-34.   As always, thank you to my patreon supporters!  You are making the show notes and production of the show possible!   Tweet This Emotions are 100% accurate in telling us how we’re interpreting the situation. They are not 100% accurate in describing reality. Click To Tweet Men, stay engaged. Click To Tweet Has god given me the grace for today? What makes me think when I wake up tomorrow morning that He will not give me grace for tomorrow? Click To Tweet   Resources Mentioned Fun Family Conversations eBook.

What if my primary love language is not physical touch and my spouse’s is?  Spouses can each experience love differently, but to have a healthy marriage, it’s vital to learn how to love your spouse in the ways they receive love.   Listen to this episode to grow in your understanding of the importance of physical touch, learn how to actively love your spouse better even if physical touch isn’t your primary love language, and even learn about the many benefits of physical touch. Show Highlights The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman: Quality Time Physical Touch Words of Affirmation Acts of Service Gifts The premise is that we tend to give love in one or two primary ways, and we tend to receive love in one or two primary ways.  Conflict arises in marriage often when we give love in a way that isn’t the primary way my spouse is looking to receive it. When it comes to physical touch, it sounds simple when you don’t have a problem with it.  Issues could come from: abuse, past physical relationships, sensory issues, etc. Get therapy.  Pay for it.  Get the help you need.  You’ve committed to this person until death do you part.  Spend generously to invest in making this is a healthy, fruitful marriage that’s a blessing to you and the world. Important scenarios to consider – My definition of love is that “I am out for your best” -> agape love / unconditional love You’re it.  YOU are the outlet for your spouse’s physical affection.  Kids, pets, and friends do not replace spousal touch.  Commit to being the best spouse you can be.  Be open, be honest, ask questions. What if your aversion is because you’re interpreting every instance of physical touch as an advancement towards sex? Sometimes this happens because physical touch is so rare, and sex is so rare, it’s actually the case. Be liberal and generous with your touch. Don’t resent the fact that your spouse wants to have sex with you.  A lot.  When you were dating, it might have been really hard to keep your hands off one another, and you were happy when they were physically attracted to you. Benefits of physical touch from www.getold.com/4-ways-physical-touch-keeps-you-healthy It creates a sense of security.  When you receive positive physical touch, your skin’s nerve endings send a message to your brain that you are safe and secure. It reduces stress.  A chemical reaction tells your body to relax.  Touch stimulates oxytocin, which calms and facilitates bonding. It improves heart health.  It reduces blood pressure and lowers pulse, which puts less stress on your heart. It may help you avoid catching colds and the flu.  Lowering your cortisol increase your ability to fight disease. Whether it’s a cuddle with your partner or a heartfelt hug with your kids, the simple act of touch can brighten a bad day, help you relax, and even fight off illnesses.  If you’re not making time for it, you’re missing out on the one of the easiest and quickest ways to improve your overall well-being. Do everything you can to meet your spouse’s need for physical touch because you’re out for their best.  Do all you can so they look to you as their spouse for the things they are supposed to look to you for. Homework today: Give affirming, positive physical touch to your spouse.  Hug your kids. Tweet This Whether it’s a cuddle with your partner or a heartfelt hug with your kids, the simple act of touch can brighten a bad day, help you relax, and even fight off illnesses.  If you’re not making time for it, you’re missing out on the one of the easiest and quickest ways to improve your overall well-being. Resources Mentioned The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr. Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs Love and Sex: Four Ways Physical Touch Keeps You Healthy by Diana Kelly Hands On Research: The Science of Touch by Berkeley University

We each have different bents; what’s important to us many times looks different for each spouse – a clean house, an organized garage, etc.  There will be plenty of trials in life that you have no control over so why not just strengthen the areas you DO have control over?  Join me today as I discuss some practical tools in loving your spouse through actions and filling in the gaps with grace.  We may not always be drawn to serve or lift each other up, but we find that sprinkling undeserved favor into our most important relationships brings life to everyone involved. Show Highlights How do I, as a man, know that the house is messy?  My wife says she needs help, but I don’t know what to do. Different environments, different bents. Specificity drives accountability; accountability drives performance. Ask for a checklist.  Ask for responsibility on specific spheres, and for your spouse to train you on what he/she would like you to do. Vague instructions give ambiguous results. Can you explain “Fill in the gap with grace”? Give the benefit of the doubt If there are two possible ways to interpret something, and one way least condemning of the other person, do your best to assume the best. Most actions weren’t taken to specifically hurt you. Often our stupid and sinful actions are a result of Focalism.  Focalism (sometimes called the focusing illusion) is the tendency for people to give too much weight to one particular piece of information when making judgements and predictions.  By focusing too much on one thing (the focal event or hypothesis), people tend to neglect other important considerations and end up making inaccurate judgments as a result. Even if actions were specifically to hurt you, rather than being angry or vindictive, we should be curious. Remember Galatians 6:1-5.  Our aim is restoration. Grace is undeserved favor. Sprinkle undeserved favor into your most important relationships As a child of God, you are an agent of reconciliation. It’s about seeking to love, serve, and lift each other up; it’s about striving to give more than what’s deserved. Tweet This Specificity drives accountability; accountability drives performance. Click To Tweet If there are two possible ways to interpret something, and one way least condemning of the other person, do your best to choose the least condemning interpretation. Click To Tweet Behavior should make us curious. Click To Tweet Sprinkle undeserved favor into your most important relationships. Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned Click Here to Download a free 52 week Scripture Memory PDF!

One out of every three families in the United States is some form of blended family. Many have asked for wisdom on how to make their blended families work. Today I bring in the two wisest people I know on the subject: my dad and mom! Dan and Pat Holland are 45 years into their second marriage, and share a lifetime of wisdom from raising a family of 5 children. Show Highlights Intro to my parents dating and marriage What it was like in the 60s and 70s to be a divorced Christian in the church What we thought the biggest challenges of a blended family would be vs our actual biggest challenges How we handled two completely sets of rules and family dynamics – challenges for both parents and the kids Step-mom as primary caregiver and dad working Step-parent feeling authority to manage the home Discipline as a step-parent Dealing with feelings of guilt as a parent some parents try to overcompensate with rules or gifts how we kept from overcompensating showing our children we love them vs trying to buy our child’s love Giving our kids and step kids a place to call home The blended family dynamic made mom want to quit If we could go back in a time machine and give step-parent advice: develop a positive relationship with your spouse’s ex never use the kids as a weapon against your ex take the challenges to God instead of trying to work it all out by myself Resources www.focusonthefamily.com/lifechallenges

What if you could figure out how to take your family around the world to experience people and culture beyond the basic tourist experience? My new friend Susan Whitehead has spent the last several years traveling the world, even living in foreign countries, with her family of 8. All of this started with a one way ticket to Costa Rica and $3,000 in the bank. Along the way, she’s figured out how to master planes, rentals, and cultures while her family experiences the world that goes much deeper than tourist attractions. You’ll be inspired and learn some tricks of your own from our conversation today. Click Here to Download my free 52 week Scripture Memory PDF! Show Highlights How Susan and her family of 7 (before the bonus baby), struggling financially,  started realizing that they could move overseas and live for half the expense of living where they were in Tampa, FL The life-changing moment when her landlord showed up at the door with a peach pie and a bow Selling 15 years worth of possessions in just 3 months of yard sales Taking off to Costa Rica with one-way tickets and $3,000 in the bank Living in Costa Rica for 6 months Living in Mexico for 1 year Her husband working in Afghanistan for 1 year while she had their “bonus baby” Traveling Europe for 3 months traveling around in a purchased old taxi van Her husband taking a job in The United Arab Emirates, living in the UAE with her family for 6 months Each of her children getting to pair down their life keepsakes to one box How pairing down their life possessions to travel the world has freed her family from the grip of material possessions, even after they are back in the United States The benefit of finding houses to rent long term vs. hotel rooms (example – they rented a 3 bedroom home with utilities and internet for $650 per month in Costa Rica Check out www.airbnb.com Check out www.vrbo.com Are you willing to house sit and care for someone’s pet?  Try https://www.trustedhousesitters.com Tax benefits of long term travel – The Foreign Income Tax Credit How you can experience world cultures and foods through the deli section of grocery stores for MUCH cheaper than eating out Learning how to pick up side jobs through the internet to help you sustain living overseas (check out www.upwork.com) Getting to have a housekeeper and a groundskeeper in their rental, pay them very well by in-country standards! Being invited to neighbor’s deep family traditions and religious ceremonies Her children’s vastly different perspective on world culture and understanding other religions Seeing OUR culture with fresh eyes The joy of experiencing local church in other cultures Tips for how YOUR family can try extended travel (3-5 weeks of international travel) Get your passports Understand that a round trip ticket is NOT more expensive for longer stays (subscribe to www.pomelotravel.com to have amazing international airline deals sent to your inbox) When you pick your country, find THEIR local “airbnb” and you’ll get much better deal Travel in the offseason to get much better deals Consider house sitting – www.trustedhousesitters.com Shop in local grocery stores, avoid eating out. When you stay in homes, they have kitchens! Let your children pick bucket list items with each of the places you go When you are at a yard sale and you're dying as your favorite possessions being bargained down from a quarter to ten cents, you realize that you don't own your stuff. Your stuff owns you. Click To Tweet Stepping out on faith does not mean it's going to look anything like you think it will look or have asked it to look. That doesn't mean that God is any less faithful. Click To Tweet One of my favorite family memories is eating french baguettes and feeding the birds in front of the Eiffel Tower. - Susan Whitehead Click To Tweet One of our big goals with family travel was to teach our children to truly love other people. - Susan Whitehead Click To Tweet Resources Mentioned http://www.SusanWhitehead.com/travel is a free audio I recorded on how travel can deepen your faith. http://www.wanderlustfamilies.com is Susan’s personal blog, with lots of great family and travel info. https://pomelotravel.com is an insanely great email service that sends you cut rate prices on major airlines to routes around the world. Within 1 week of learning about Pomelo from Susan, I saved over $1,500 total off of the plane tickets for our church mission trip group to Spain. www.upwork.com is a great way to pick up money through side jobs.

Whether your children have phones and iPads or not, they are massively influenced by social media because of the culture we live in. It can be scary. But you’re still the parent, and you get to have the biggest influence in your child’s life. Youth Pastor and podcast host Aaron Mamuyac, student pastor and host of the We Think God is Awesome Podcast,  joins me to discus ways we can make sure that we are still capturing the heart of our children. Click Here if you’d like to download a copy of my 52 week Scripture Memory Tool. As always, thank yo so much to my Patreon Supporters! These show notes and the extra microphones for my interview are from your generous support! Show Highlights Technology immigrants vs. technology natives The social engineering behind the addictive nature of games Technology as a force for good as well as evil Tweens average 6.5 hours a day exposure to media. Teens average more than 6.5 hours a day. The brain development of a child, referencing Episode 97 The Radically Changing World of a Preteen with Dan Scott The role of behavioral scientist in developing social media apps You facebook, instagram, and social media feeds are uniquely designed for you, to keep you on the app longer. Age aspiration – where a 13 year old desires to be a 17 year old and is targeted with adds from Cosmo, etc. exhausting that lifestyle.  At the same time, the 30-40 year olds are targeted with marketing that makes them want to look like 20 year olds again. Age compression – an 8 year old has to deal with sexuality and identity The fragile psyche that develops from the narcissistic, self oriented world of social media likes and follows The emotional tailspin that happens when “normal” hard things hit someone who lives comparing their lives to the false narrative of everyone else’s life The 3 aspects of Social media: Curation, Fabrication, Promotion The core of the problem – sin. It’s breaking relationships. How can you have real relationships when you’re putting up false images of yourself? 3 Fears: People will see me, people will reject me, people with hurt me The Solution of the gospel – forgiveness, identity, and belonging. How to have more influence than social media in your children’s life: Social media is a megaphone. What’s louder than a megaphone? A whisper of a parent in the ear of their child. Determining a strategy for how much time and access your children will have to phones and iPads. Start with a phone and text. No passwords, no social media. Go slow with introducing new apps on a phone. Very slow. Extremely slow. Even slower than that. When your kids are younger, you want to think for them, when they are older, you have to train them to think for themselves. Be curious about their social media, their friends social media. Scroll with them, ask questions, refrain from judgment of their friends, because your children are gauging how safe they are with  you by the way you react to their friend’s sin and foolishness. Tweet This The very sounds on candy crush were engineered for addiction. We grossly underestimate how impactful games and social media are. Click To Tweet Sins introduced in the developmental time of our teenage years become hardwired in our brain, and can be struggles we wrestle with for life. Click To Tweet Your social media app feeds are engineered specifically to target you, because they make more money the longer you stay on their app. But it creates a narcissistic identity where the world is revolving around you. Click To Tweet The reality of Social Media: it's NOT reality! Click To Tweet Social media is a megaphone. What's louder than a megaphone? A whisper of a parent in the ear of their child. Click To Tweet If you give your child a phone, and don't realize that within 1 year your child will be a better expert on phones than you, you're fooling yourself. It's your brain vs. the crowdsourced minds of every classmate your child has. Click To Tweet It's hard for me to tell my children to get off the phone, get off the iPad, get off the TV, when I'm on it. Click To Tweet     Resources Mentioned Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other by Sherry Turkle When People are Big and God is Small by Ed Welch Let’s Parent on Purpose Episode 97 The Radically Changing World of a Preteen with Dan Scott https://www.CPYU.ORG The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement The Tech Wise Family Aaron’s first childhood tech love – http://www.neopets.com Aaron Mamuyac, Sunlight Church, Port Saint Lucie Website: https://www.sunlightcc.org God is Awesome Podcast God is Awesome on Facebook Try you first book on Audible for free: https://www.audible.com/letsparentonpurpose