ON BOYS Podcast

Sleep is as important to our teens as our toddlers. But ensuring a teenage boy gets the sleep he needs is even more difficult than convincing a toddler to nap that day after you move him from the crib to a toddler bed. Teen boys are even more strong-willed than toddlers -- and most are bigger and stronger than us too. Add in school schedules that are totally out-of-sync with teens' circadian rhythms and the ever-present pull of screens and social media and it's easy to see why most teens aren't getting nearly enough sleep. And though some teens (and adults) consider "getting by" on little sleep a badge of honor, "There are no benefits to being sleep-deprived. There is nothing you do better when you're sleep-deprived," says Lisa L. Lewis, author of The Sleep-Deprived Teen: Why are Teens are So Tired, and How Parents and Schools Can Help Them Thrive. The biological truth is that teens need more sleep than adults. Adults need 7-9 hours of sleep per night for good health; teens, 8-10 hours. Sleeping in on the weekend can help -- but not as a long-term strategy. Much smarter (& healthier) to consistently prioritize sleep. "Carve out and guard time for sleep," Lisa says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lisa discuss: Shift in circadian rhythm during adolescence How homework contributes to teen sleep loss Sleep & mental health Teen sleep needs Should we let teens sleep in on weekends? Nap during the day? Daylight savings time impact on sleep Working with schools and state to develop healthier school start times Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Sleep-Deprived Teen: Why Our Teens are So Tired, and How Parents and Schools can Help Them Thrive -- Lisa's book lisallewis.com -- Lisa's website Boys & Body Image -- previous ON BOYS episode featuring Lisa Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your orderAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dads need to help boys understand and shape masculinity. In years past, fathers were often "there, but not there," according to Craig Wilkinson, a dad of two and founder of Father a Nation, a South African nonprofit that addresses gender-based violence, crime and fatherlessness by restoring and equipping  men to be nation-builders, fathers and role models. Dads focused on providing for their families, as that's what they were taught. They didn't engage emotionally because their parents didn't emotionally engage with them -- and because few people recognized fathers' role in the emotional development of children. Now we know that fathers are critically important to their children's well-being -- to the world's well-being. "Boys look to older men to model for them how to be a man," Craig says. The question boys are often asking (whether they verbalize it or not) is Am I man enough? Do I have what it takes? When boys aren't taught to harness their strength and drives, they may behave in ways that harm themselves and others. But "if a boy is seen and validated...and taught to use his drives and his strengths for good, there's no need for him to hurt himself or misuse his strength in any way," Craig says. Consistently "being there" for our boys is key. "If they consistently know you are there and the door's open, they will come," Craig says. "They will come." Parents, he says, need to "Be there. Be present, be engaged, be there." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Craig discuss: The changing role of fathers Finding male mentors What boys and girls need from dads Counteracting mixed messages about masculinity Supporting boys through puberty How moms can facilitate father/son relationships Signaling your availability to your son (even if you don't live with him) Making micro-connections A human-first approach Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: craigwilko.com -- Craig's website; includes links to his books Father a Nation -- includes link to free online course, No Excuse for Abuse: Why Gender-Based Violence Happens and How We Can Stop It The 12 Dad Verbs  Mathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma -- ON BOYS podcast Love Bridges: Why Moments of Micro-Connection Matter, by Maggie Dent Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your order Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Gender bias affects boys’ experience in schools. It’s most often unconscious and unintentional bias but it affects how our boys see themselves and how they feel about school and learning. And until we admit that fact and grapple with the gender equation in schools, things aren’t going to get much better. Educator Jason Ablin learned that lesson the hard way. Early in his teaching career, he assumed he was doing a great job connecting with students of all genders. An in-depth, in-classroom evaluation, though, helped him see that he disciplined his male students more harshly -- "which, ironically," he says "reinforced the messages they were receiving about manhood, versus providing them with a different paradigm of how to open up and express frustration or vulnerability." The need for gender-aware education has perhaps never been greater, but too many people, Ablin says, forget that gender affects boys as well. "When I go into schools and mention the word 'gender,' there are two assumptions that are made immediately," he says. "One, that we're talking about girls and feminism. Two, that we're talking about LBGTQ kids. That's all extremely important, but it limits our ability to address the concerns of teachers in the classroom who are struggling to connect with and teach kids." Boys, meanwhile, frequently feel like they're "never winning," Ablin says -- which, in some boys, can escalate into reactive behavior. Other boys fall into a depressive spiral. ALL boys need the adults around them to recognize their need to be seen. Without this support, boys often create social hierarchies based on dominance; these hierarchies frequently perpetuate unhealthy forms of masculinity. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jason discuss: How gender affects student/teacher interactions Helping boys succeed in school The boy crisis in education The "kept prince" phenomenon Disciplining boys Boys and mental health Boys' social hierarchies How parents can encourage change in schools Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: ablineducation.com -- Jason's website (includes preview chapter of his book) The Gender Equation in Schools: How to Create Equity and Fairness for All Students -- Jason's book Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your order Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Finding ecohappiness can decrease boys' anxiety levels and increase family harmony.  There's a strong -- and direct -- link between time in nature and mental health. Human beings require nature exposure for optimal physical and mental health. Of course, that's easier to say than to achieve in modern life, when many of us live in urban environments and use screens to work, learn, and socialize. But there are fun ways to integrate nature exposure with daily life, says Sandi Schwartz, founder of the Ecohappiness Project and author of Finding Ecohappiness: Fun Nature Activities to Help Your Kids Feel Happier and Calmer.  "A huge study came out a couple years ago that said, all you really need is 120 minutes a week connecting to nature. So that's about 20 minutes a day," Sandi says. "You an build a nature habit by looking at your family's routine and tweaking it. Can you walk somewhere for an errand? Eat outside? Do homework or an art project outside?" Such slight changes can make a big difference in boys' (and parents'!) moods and functioning. Research also shows that nature stimulates human creativity, productivity,  and curiosity. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sandi discuss: Definition of ecohappiness Link between nature & mental health How to sneak in nature time -- and bring nature into your home Helping kids (and parents) feel comfortable in nature Adding in free play Making time to experience ecohappiness Teens and nature Citizen science Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Finding Ecohappiness: Fun Nature Activities to Help Your Kids Feel Happier and Calmer, by Sandi Schwartz EcohappinessProject.com -- Sandi's website (includes quiz & link to FREE 30-day Echohappiness Challenge Calendar) Picky Eaters, Family Meals, and Nutrition -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 29:22) Richard Louv on Animals, Nature, & Boys -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your order  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Mathew Blades was a father and successful radio DJ before he recognized the impact of generational trauma on his life. On his boys' lives. Sure, his childhood included a lot of screaming and some spanking. And sure, his father died abruptly when Mathew was just 23 years old. Stuff happens. Mathew did what most people do: he buried his pain and pushed through. That worked, more or less. Until the back pain and shingles, stress and panic attacks. Until Mathew had to admit that he wasn't doing well. He sought help and healing, and now encourages and supports others as they do the same as the host of the podcast Learn From People Who Lived It. "I'm suggesting we get proactive so we can turn out the best version of ourselves," Mathew says, "and ultimately, raise the best kids." If we don't do that, we may self-sabotage and unintentionally create drama in our lives. We may hurt ourselves and others. You can begin healing by focusing on self-care: real, foundational self-care, like sleep, nutrition, and movement. "Putting yourself first isn't selfish," Mathew says. "It's the only way to ever get the best version of yourself." Counter-intuitively, focusing on yourself is one of the best things you can do for your kids. "I know we all want to work on our kids and do all the things for them," Mathew says, "but the moment that you work on yourself -- that's really when you start working on your kids." Do not underestimate the importance of taking care of yourself. As youth hockey coach, Mathew often tells his teams, "The difference between a great team and a good team is that the great team does the fundamentals perfectly. They don't mess up the fundamentals." We parents, he says, should heed that advice as well. Caring for our foundational, fundamental needs is essential to being the best parent and human we can be. In this episode, Jen & Mathew discuss: How our stories and experiences impact our parenting Finding & understanding your inner child Setting boundaries Why putting yourself first isn't selfish The role of anger Healing from generational trauma Making amends Asking for help Building structure and routine Simple self-care Meditation Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Learn From People Who Lived It -- Mathew's podcast How to Have a Kid and a Life -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Why are video games so important to boys? That's the question a listener sent in response to our recent call for questions. The listener who asked that question just happens to be Jen's brother -- and another one of their brothers happens to be a video game designer, so we got them all together to explore the role of video games in boys' lives. "I remember feeling so ticked when things went wrong when I was playing," says Doc Wondra, a dad of 3 who grew up gaming on the Atari, ColecoVision and Nintendo systems. "I felt cheated by the video game and was just mad at everything in that moment and felt a little bit out of control." He even admits to tossing a controller or two. Of course, now that he's a father, he's annoyed and somewhat baffled by such behavior in his 9-year-old son. "He doesn't just get upset," Doc says. "He gets upset and then shares that 'upsetness' with whoever's nearby." Sound familiar? Greg Wondra (Jen & Doc's brother and a video game designer and dad of 3) says boys' emotional reactions to video games result, in part, from their experience of the flow state. A person is in flow when they are deeply immersed in an activity. "Games are designed to -- and excel at -- keeping you in flow," Greg says. "I think part of the reason boys get very frustrated is that they get busted out of the flow state." Video games also meet a lot of boys' psychological needs: for achievement, creativity, exploration, and socialization. So, if you're worried that your boy is spending too much time gaming, consider his psychological needs. Is your son engaged in other activities that fill some of his needs? Can you give your son more freedom and autonomy in the real world? "There's not many places today where kids feel successful," Doc says. Helping kids find and experience success in other areas of their lives may decrease their reliance on video games. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Doc & Greg discuss: Boys' emotional reactions to video games How boys' developmental level affects their interaction with video games Handling screen time transitions Setting screen time & video game boundaries How to use principles of game design in your parenting Understanding how video game "pain points" are designed to motivate behavior Responding to boys' requests for in-game purchases The link between video gaming & boys' social status Video games as an expression of self Bartle's 4 primary gamer types How video games meet boys' needs Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Video Games & Boys (w special guest Greg Wondra) -- ON BOYS episode Video Game Design - A Career for Boys (also featuring Greg) -- ON BOYS episode Video Game Addiction -- ON BOYS episode Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi -- book mentioned by Greg Bartle's Player Types for Gamification --  International Design Foundation article (discussed at 30:35) The Bartle Test of Gamer Psychology -- online test to determine you (or your son's) gamer "type" Dads Speak on Father's Day -- ON BOYS episode (featuring Doc Wondra) Video game design courses by Greg  -- a great opportunity for boys to learn HOW to build games Unreal Engine:  Intro to Game Design Unreal Engine:  Create an Arcade Classic! Unreal Engine:  Open World Landscapes Unreal Engine:  Character Skill System Unreal Engine:  Character UIAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sex talks with tweens can be...awkward.  Even Amy Lang, ON BOYS' go-to sex ed guru, stumbled through her initial sex talks with her son. "I thought I'd be great at it, but I just wasn't," she says. "I realized I'd rather talk to a 15 year old about their pregnancy than talk to my five year old about his penis." But boys need accurate information about human bodies, sexuality, and relationships. They need our help to recognize and explore cultural messages about sex and sexuality. The tween years can be a great time to explore these subjects. "Between approximately age 9 and 12, their brains are still open; adolescence has not yet happened," Amy says, so tween boys may be more open to these conversations than teens. You can also speak more freely, as most tweens will already have some baseline knowledge. "You can't harm your child by talking to them about sex," Amy says. "If you're giving them the information, it won't hurt them." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Amy discuss: Sex talks with tweens When -- and how -- to start talking about sex Helping boys untangle cultural messages about sex and sexuality What to do if your son has been exposed to porn What to do if your son shows porn to other kids Helping boys find safe outlets for natural curiosity Average penis size Polyamory Talking about sexual abuse & "tricky people" Consent Sex for fun & pleasure Should parents tell their kids about their sexual experiences? First time? Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Bird & Bees & Kids -- Amy's website (includes a link to her Solutions Center) USE THE COUPON CODE BOYS TO GET $30 OFF LIFETIME ACCESS TO AMY'S SOLUTION CENTER Amy Lang's Just Say This -- Amy's podcast Amy Lang on How to Keep Boys Safe Online -- ON BOYS episode Talk to Boys About Sex (w Amy Lang) --- ON BOYS episode 21st Century Sex Ed w Jo Langford -- ON BOYS episode The Joy of Sex -- book recommended by Amy (at 22:20) Savage Love - sex Q & A by Dan Savage Savage Lovecast -- Dan Savage's podcast Boundaries & Consent (w Sarah Casper) -- ON BOYS episode Consent w Mike Domitrz -- ON BOYS episode Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- Building Boys post Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with JanetAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Raising boys brings up all kinds of questions! Kristen asks: Is it normal for a 9-10 year old boy to get into physical altercations with friends at every play date? Juliann asks for help figuring out how to best support a son who is "generally non-ambitious" when he finally identifies and pursues an ambition. She asks: How can I tell when I'm giving enough support without smothering or causing learned helplessness? Leslie finds herself in "constant battles" with her 11-year-old son. An example: If I ask him nicely to put his shoes away (example: Hey bud, will you please put your shoes up?) he’ll take his shoes to his room and throw on the floor. I’ll tell him nicely to put them up in his closet (where they’ve gone since he was 5), and he’ll throw a huge fit about it. Anything that takes time away from him doing what he wants it’s a battle. Some days are better than others, but this is literally every day since he was about 6. Brenda wonders: How to graciously acknowledge the almost daily calls and emails from school regarding behavior.  And then discuss with my 6th grader.  And not feel like a failure on the process. Jennifer wants to know: How do you help them stop complaining about EVERYTHING??? Sarah, a mom of three boys, wants to know how to handle bathroom messes: I’ve told them SO many times - in different tones- to just clean it up, to lift the seat, to sit down instead…etc. My question is: what can I do to encourage them to care about this and to take ownership to make choices to prevent it and in the case of accidental drips they clean it up themselves?!  Petra, a mom in the middle of separating from her son's father, has noticed that... our son is not only being more and more alike his father. But he speaks often to me as his father, as if he wanted to speak for him, to help him to make me down. ...and wonders how to respond. In this episode, Jen & Janet: Playdates & roughhousing Boy friendships The fine learn between "helping" and "smothering" Picking & choosing your battles Feeling like a failure Managing emotions Communicating & collaborating with teachers Trusting our boys Teaching (& modeling) gratitude Bathroom messes Parenting sons through divorce & separation Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) -- ON BOYS episode Managing Emotions -- ON BOYS episode Homework and Boys -- ON BOYS episode Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- ON BOYS episode Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering - BuildingBoys post Parenting Boys thru Divorce -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with JanetAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How can we help boys develop healthy body image?  That's not a question parents of boys asked in previous generations. Girls, parents thought, were the ones at risk for body dissatisfaction, given the constant onslaught of heavily stylized (and often Photoshopped) images of impossibly perfect and thin women featured in magazines, movies, and TV shows. But boys aren't immune to body image pressure. As many as 75% of adolescent boys are dissatisfied with their bodies – and that dissatisfaction leads many of them to TikTok & Instagram, where they encounter unrealistic images of chiseled abs and chests AND workout and nutrition regimens that influencers swear will them help get a “ripped” body. Boys are just as susceptible to body image pressure and bad dietary and fitness advice as girls are -- and the results can be devastating. "We've feminized this issue for so long that boys are afraid to admit that it's a concern for them," says Charlotte Markey, a body image researcher and co-author of Being You: The Body Image Book for Boys. But research shows that many 6-year-old boys think they'd look better with muscles. These young boys' perceptions are likely influenced by the fact that the male bodies featured in movies and media have gotten "more extreme" in recent years, says Ed Frauenheim, co-author of Reinventing Masculinity. Today's action figures, he notes, are "more chiseled" than those created a few decades ago. 3% of boys are now using steroids in an attempt to alter their bodies, and 7% use supplements.  "The message in our culture is that 'if you just work a little harder' or 'try this' or 'buy this product,' then you can make yourself into this superhero action figure in real life," Markey says. "But that's not how this really works." Parents can help boys develop healthy body image by discussing masculinity & what it means to be a man. Together, interrogate & challenge gender norms and expectations. "It's important to question, 'what do you want these muscles for?'" Frauenheim says. Boys' answers to that question can reveal both their state of mine and underlying assumptions about men and masculinity. You can also ask boys to name people they admire -- and then, ask what those people look like. Such conversations can help underscore the fact that our bodies are often the least interesting and important thing about us. "The most important thing for health and happiness is not your level of fitness," Frauenheim says, citing research from Harvard. "It's your relationships. And body image obsession can actually interfere with relationships." Make sure your boys know that it's okay to build muscles, as long as they're more focused on building relationships. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Charlotte & Ed discuss: Why parents & doctors don't know as much about body image and eating disorders in boys as in girls The link between social media & boys' body image issues Talking to boys about actors who transform their bodies for superhero movies Steroid & supplement use Helping boys recalibrate their body image expectations When to worry about exercise & "healthy" eating ("If you won't eat dessert on your birthday, that's a problem," Markey says.) How often boys really need to shower (Spoiler: there's no scientific consensus!) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Being You: The Body Image Book for Boys, by Charlotte Markey, Daniel Hart, Douglas Zacher Preparing Boys for the World of Work -- ON BOYS episode featuring Ed Frauenheim Boys Get Eating Disorders Too -- ON BOYS episode featuring Oona Hanson (mentioned at 22:57) Boys & Body Image -- ON BOYS episode What Is "Bigoerexia?" -- NYT article mentioned at 10:20 Steroids are Rampant Among Fitness Influencers, Trainers & Body Builders Say. Most Use in Secret, Claiming Their Gains Come From Workouts & Diet Plans -- Insider article mentioned at 10:53 Decoding Boys w Dr.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The Global Initiative for Boys & Men (GIBM) focuses on research and advocacy to support boys and men, according to Sean Kullman, the group's president. GIBM has established a BAM index, a Boys and Men Well-Being Index, an open-source resource packed with information and statistics the reflect the well-being of boys and men. The BAM Index has data in 6 categories: Education Physical and mental health Job, career and financial health Fatherhood, family and relationships Criminal justice system and court systems Male narrative in the public discourse The data shows that "we as a culture are just meaner -- less understanding -- to boys," Kullman says. And our educational systems really don't address the fact that boys and girls, generally speaking, learn differently. To date, state and federal governments also have been hesitant to allocate funding to boys' & men's issues. Sean encourages parents of boys to run for a seat of their local school boards. "I think we need to see more parents who feel strongly about their boys running for school board," he says. "Until you get members of the community who care about boys on the board, it won't change." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sean discuss: the BAM Index (measures of men & boys well-being) Why legislators need information regarding male well-being School suspension rates for males School to prison pipeline Gender differences in drug enforcement Gender differences in educational attainment Gender discrepancies in educational funding Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Global Initiative for Boys & Men -- includes links to state reports on the Status of Boys & Men (currently, CA, CO, & MO only) Invitation to a Dialogue: Helping Boys Succeed -- Sean's NYT article (mentioned at 4:30) Coalition to Create a White House Council on Boys & Men -- mentioned at 4:36 (you'll see Jen listed under Prominent Women Supporters) Male Advocacy Group Files Legal Complaint Against Pacific Science Center for Girl-Specific Programs -- article about GIBM's activity While Biden's $2.6 Billion Policy Targets Gender Equity Abroad, Americans are Dying at Home -- Sean's article (mentioned at 14:40) The Boy Crisis with Warren Farrell -- ON BOYS episode Is Shared Parenting the Best for Boys After Divorce? -- Building Boys post In His Words -- Sean's Substack newsletter, mentioned at 37:35 A Generation of Men Give Up on College -- WSJ article mentioned at 37:58 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy