ON BOYS Podcast

When they realized that schools wouldn't change quickly enough to meet their kids' needs, members of the Black Mothers Forum opened microschools, with an eye toward ending the school to prison pipeline. Existing school leaders and educators “really did not understand how to create a safe and supportive learning environment for our Black children,” say Janelle Wood, President of The Black Mothers Forum, Inc. She recalls getting frequent calls from school (for minor issues) when her now-adult son was young, active boy. The sit-still-and-be-quiet method of learning that's still employed by many schools simply doesn't work for many kids. "We forget our children are human beings," Janelle says. They need to move. They want opportunities to apply what they've learned. And each child has distinct strengths and preferences. Sadly, those preferences -- and children's questions -- aren't always respected in the school system. "We've had parents come to us frustrated because their child has been sent to the office for an 'attitude' or their child has been considered 'disruptive' or 'disrespectful,'" Janelle says, "because the child's asked a question. Or the child was being racially bullied and seeking some assistance from the teacher," who didn't have (or take) time to respond. Black Mothers Forum initially tried to work with schools to improve the learning environment, but quickly realized that what was on the agenda at board meetings often didn't line up with the concerns expressed by parents and children. And eventually, "we came to the realization that while they were hearing us, they weren't really listening," Janelle says. "They were just nodding their heads. When we got up to share what was going on in the classroom and our concerns about how our children were being treated and how they were being disproportionately disciplined -- and those disciplinary practices were punitive, frequent, and very long-standing and had long-term impacts on our children's ability to learn -- I would have board members look at the wall," Janelle says. So, the Black Mothers Forum investigated alternative educational options and ultimately opened a series of microschools: mixed-age groups of 5-10 kids facilitated by adult learning guides. The children work on individualized learning goals via online programs, self-directed learning, and group projects. (One microschool wrote and staged their own play!) They gather in morning to discuss their personal goals  -- and how they're doing. The microschools are a school-to-purpose pipeline, Janelle says, that give kids ownership in the learning process. In this episode, Jen, Janelle, & Christina Foster discuss: Black boys' experiences in traditional schools How parents' jobs & past experiences w education affect their relationship with their kids' schools Boys' fight, flight, or fear response How traditional learning environments make it difficult for educators to support kids Advocating for educational change What a microschool is Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Black Mother's Forum -- includes contact info & links to more info about their microschools As COVID Closed Arizona's Classrooms, Black Mothers Launched Their Own Microschools with Focus on Personalized Learning, Ending the School to Prison Pipeline Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-course  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Four years of ON BOYS podcast! 214 episodes, more than 900,000 downloads, and countless deep, moving moments. We've talked about vaping, sex, boys & body image, consent, connection, and misconceptions about boys. We wrestle with gender stereotypes, education, and the real-life struggles of living with boys. Janet and Jen collectively devote up to 10 hours per week to ON BOYS podcast -- 10 hours spent finding and connecting with top experts; preparing for our interviews; researching topics; engaging with listeners, educators, and boys parents; and promoting and sharing our episodes because we firmly believe that helping adults understand boys' needs is one way we can change the world for the better. You can help us help you  -- & help make the world a better place -- by subscribing to Building Boys Bulletin, Jen's weekly newsletter, and participating in Janet's Decoding Boys workshop. Here's to another years of ON BOYS! In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: What we remember about the start of ON BOYS How our lives have changed since we started podcasting The growth of ON BOYS How boys learn Managing school expectations Gender stereotypes & bias How listeners can support ON BOYS The arc of parenting GRANDCHILD REVEAL! Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: My Husband and I Lived Apart for 10 Years. It Made Our Relationship Stronger -- Jen's essay, mentioned at 6:30 Vaping & E-Cigarette Use: What Parents Need to Know -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 7:22) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with JanetAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do we raise LBGTQ allies? We know boys are (still) subject to a lot of homophobia and transphobia. Our culture is full of messages that tell boys it's best to be straight and stereotypically masculine. And though many of us think we're raising our boys to tolerant, inclusive, and accepting, they may be getting a different message from what we don't say. Chris Tompkins, author of Raising LGBTQ Allies: A Parent's Guide to Changing the Messages from the Playground, recognized the power of unspoken messages when his then 6-year-old nephew asked him -- an openly gay man -- if the female friend with him was his girlfriend. In that moment, Chris realized that his nephew didn't know he was gay. In conversations with adult family members the next day, Chris learned that most believed that his nephew wasn't "old enough to understand." Others said they didn't know how to discuss homosexuality and heterosexuality with their children. The reality, Chris says, is that there may be LGBTQ kids in our families right now. And when we don't acknowledge that -- by, for instance, not talking about homosexuality -- "we're contributing to the continuation of the closet, which is a hot bed for shame," Chris says. Most of us didn't have these conversations with our parents. We can do better for our kids. In this episode, Jen & Chris discuss: Heteronormativity How adults' lack of conversation about homosexuality perpetuates stigma and shame Talking to about sex & sexuality at  developmentally appropriate levels How seemingly innocuous questions & comments -- "Do you have a girlfriend yet?" "Wow, I bet all the girls are after you!" -- can contribute to shame and silence Subconscious beliefs we (and our kids) pick up from the dominant culture Repair & reconnection Validating kids' perceptions Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Raising LGBTQ Allies: A Parent's Guide to Changing the Messages from the Playground, by Chris Tompkins What Children Learn from the Things They Aren't Told -- Chris's TedX talk ARoadTripToLove.com -- Chris's website Why Inclusive Sex Ed is So Important -- article by Jen Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How many of these myths & misconceptions about boys have you heard? How many do you believe? "Boys are easier than girls." "Boys are less emotional than girls." "Boys leave their families when they grow up." "With boys, you don't have to fight over clothing choices." "There's less to worry about with a son than a daughter when they're teenagers and dating." "Boy mom" & writer Jessica Wozinsky Fleming, a mom of 4 sons (ages 7, 5, 3 & 3) has heard all of these before. (As has Jen, our resident "boy mom!") "When people found out that our last pregnancy was two boys, we heard a lot of comments like, 'oh, should I congratulations or I'm sorry?' and 'Oh! You'll have to keep going!'" Jessica says. "And these comments were often in front of my other boys, who were old enough to understand what's being asked." Such comments are difficult to explain to young boys - who may assume that those statements imply girls are more desirable than boys -- and can bring up complicated feelings of sadness in parents who initially dreamed of parenting boys and girls. Parenting boys has taught Jessica that many things people believe about boys simply aren't true. (Or, at least, not true for all boys.) "So many people have told me that boys are less emotional," she says. "But there are a lot of big emotions at my house!" Jessica Fleming & Jen (not Janet!) In this episode, Jen & Jessica discuss: Myths & misconceptions about boys Public reactions to all-boy families Helping boys recognize myths & misconceptions about boys Teaching boys about consent & talking about sexual violence Making space for boys Roughhousing Potty training boys Adapting your parenting to your kids' individual personalities Brother relationships How gender stereotypes still limit boys Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: jessica-fleming.com -- Jessica's website All Boys? -- classic Building Boys post To Raise a Boy (w Emma Brown) -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned around 16:00) Why Roughhousing is Good for Kids, & How to Keep It Safe -- Jessica's Washington Post article The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) -- ON BOYS podcast Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or moreAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Empowering boys is one powerful way to address the boy crisis. Some people -- often, people who don't have or work with boys -- wonder why boys need to be empowered. After all, they say, men still control most businesses and countries. But boys struggle in the classroom and in our communities. "Dangerous double standards" exist regarding sexual abuse, depending on whether the victim is male or female, says Laurie A. Couture, a mental health specialist, mother, and author of Instead of Medicating and Punishing: Healing the Causes of Our Children's Acting-Out Behavior by Parenting and Educating the Way Nature Intended. There's a tendency, she says, to focus on male pathology rather than male needs and strengths. Couture says one of the most effective things parents can do to empower boys is to "get them out of the public school system" and explore alternative educational options such as homeschool or forest schools. "Boys should be spending the majority of their days moving," Couture says. "If boys are sitting sedentary, there is something wrong. That's not what nature intends for their development. Children learn through play. That is the vehicle by which a child's brain develops." What adults commonly view as acting-out behavior is actually nature's alert system. "It's saying 'Alert, alert! This environment is toxic for this child,'" Couture says. "it is nature's way of saying, 'Something in this environment is going against life. It's not meeting the child's needs. The child is not at homeostasis." Though it's virtually impossible to meet a child's needs 100% of the time, our efforts to respond sensitively to our boys can empower them. When a child's needs are met consistently, they develop confidence in those around them and in their own abilities. Empowering and supporting each other is another way to empower boys. "We can create spaces that welcome our boys and noise, chaos, and activity," Jen says. "We can work together, empower each other, empower our boys, and make this world better for all of us." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Laurie discuss: Gender stereotypes Homeschooling Sexual abuse and violence The importance of movement for boys The human attachment cycle Screen time & video game addiction Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: laurieacouture.com -- Laurie's website Instead of Medicating and Punishing: Healing the Causes of Our Children's Acting-Out Behavior by Parenting and Educating the Way Nature Intended, by Laurie A. Couture Homeschool Hacks & How to Homeschool Boys -- ON BOYS episode Forest Schools Get Boys Learning Naturally -- ON BOYS episode Brain-Body Parenting with Dr. Mona Delahooke  -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 21:47) Video Game Addiction -- ON BOYS episode 4 Ways to Make Your Home Movement Friendly -- article by Jen Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Brain-body parenting can help you raise joyful, resilient boys, says Dr. Mona Delahooke. Boys' behavior offers clues as to what's going on inside the child -- and deciphering what's happening internally can help us tailor our response to the unique human individual before us. It's time to  "move from focusing on behaviors to focusing on how each child perceives, understands, and interprets their world," says Dr. Delahooke,  a child psychologist and author of Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids and Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges. The autonomic nervous system is our "automatic nervous system," she explains. It controls our bodies' unconscious, non-voluntary reactions. Importantly, the triggers for each of us can be different. So, while some people aren't bothered by noisy environments or tags on their clothing, other people who experience those same triggers may feel "threatened," even though they are objectively safe. Their bodies may move into the "red zone," which is characterized by increased alertness and reactivity, an increased heart rate, and a desire or need to move. Chronic stress can lead to the "blue zone," a state in which humans often withdraw to conserve energy. The green, red, and blue zones are adaptive. "You are witnessing the power of human resilience," Dr. Delahooke says. "Those states are there to protect us." Learning to recognize these states of being can help parents determine an appropriate challenge zone for their kids -- and may reveal expectation gaps. You can use that information to more effectively and compassionately support your boys. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Mona discuss: What is brain-body parenting? The link between the nervous system and behavior Green, red, and blue zones -- an easy way to recognize a person's current level of functioning Checks-ins vs. time-outs Getting curious about kids' behaviors Body budgets Parental self-care The challenge zone Expectation gaps Co-regulation Parallels between toddlerhood & adolescence How unrealistic expectations for young boys cause problems for boys in school Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids, by Dr. Mona Delahooke Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges, by Dr. Mona Delahooke monadelahooke.com -- Dr. Delahooke's website Sensory Processing Disorder with Nancy Peske -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or moreAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Picky eaters... are incredibly common. Nearly all kids go through food jags. ALL humans have food preferences. Navigating all of this around the dinner table, though, can feel frustrating and overwhelming. Even for experts. "I felt confident going into parenting!" says Rebecca Toutant, a registered dietician who began her career helping children with autism and sensory issues expand their palate. "I thought my boys would be these really wonderful, adventurous eaters and we'd sit down at the dinner table and have such peaceful family meals." That, she learned, "is just not how it works." Despite the fact that eating is a basic, natural human drive, "it takes a lot of effort and practice to really help children have a healthy relationship with food," Rebecca says. She suggests letting go of a lot of our preconceived notions and focusing on developing "confident, competent eaters." Think of eating and nutrition as an experience. Food and meals include colors, textures, sensations, and emotions. Children are naturally "neo-phobic," or hesitant to try new things, Rebecca says. That's a protective instinct. So, our kids look to us to see how we're interacting with and reacting to food -- & many, many, MANY exposures to a food (as many as 10-20) for a child to accept it. Rebecca recommends following Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility in Feeding: PARENTS are responsible for WHAT food is offered, WHERE food is offered, and WHEN Food is offered CHILDREN are responsible for HOW MUCH (or whether) they eat In this episode, Jen, Janet & Rebecca discuss: What it means to have a healthy relationship with food Identifying & deconstructing our "shoulds" regarding food and eating Introducing new foods Division of Responsibility in Feeding Why you shouldn't bribe your child to try new foods or clean their plate Picky eating vs. problem feeding vs ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) When to seek professional assistance for eating challenges Should you let your child eat a separate meal? Helping kids decipher "moral" food messages (Spoiler: No food is "good" or "bad") Dinner at a dietician's home How Jen & Rebecca know each other :) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Nourishing Bits & Bites -- Rebecca's website (follow her on FB and Instagram too!) Burnt Toast by Virginia Sole-Smith -- newsletter mentioned at 34:31 Celiac Disease Cookbook for the Newly Diagnosed: Guidance and Recipes for an Easy Transition to the Gluten-Free Diet, by Rebecca Toutant (mentioned at 41:15) Meal Prep Cookbook for Runners: Healthy Meals to Prepare, Grab and Go, by Rebecca Toutant (mentioned at 41:24) Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ONBOYS22 discount code to SAVE 22% off your orderAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Gender norms still (and unnecessarily!) limit boys, says journalist Lisa Selin Davis, author of Tomboy: The Surprising History and Future of Girls Who Dare to be Different. Which may not be an accident, since gender norms (as we know them today) were essentially created to ensure that male children grew into straight, non-homosexual men. "The way we conceive of boys' stuff and girls' stuff in this country is really only about 100 years old," she says. "It's important for us to understand that what we think of as 'normal' for boys and 'normal' for girls is culturally and temporally dependent." Up until the end of the 19th century, sex, gender, and sexuality were all kind of blurred together. When the general public began to recognize homosexuality, parents quickly learned "that it was not a desirable outcome to have your child grow up to be gay, so the way to prevent that from happening was to emphasize masculinity," Lisa says. Gender norms for females have loosened considerably in recent years. (There's a nearly 100% chance that you've seen a woman or girl wearing pants today, for instance.) But there's not yet been in equivalent expansion of the "man box" for boys and men. Many well-meaning adults still say things that reinforce gender norms and send harmful messages. "I think parents don't realize that when they say, 'oh, honey, no; don't buy that because that's a pink ball,'" Lisa says, "that they're sending a message that it's not okay to be feminine. And a message that it's not okay to be gay." Of course, no matter what we parent do, children face pressure to conform to gender norms - often, from their peers. Parents (and others) can help be supporting a child's interests, no matter what they are. "The more a child is immune to gender stereotypes, the better it is for them in life," Lisa says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Lisa discuss: The history of gender norms in the United States Generational reactions to gender roles Gender & marketing Helping boys be themselves in a hyper-gendered culture Working in communities to shift gender norms Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Why a Pink Tutu Can Be a Gender-Neutral Christmas Gift -- Washington Post article by Lisa (referenced in intro) Tomboy: The Surprising History and Future of Girls Who Dare to Be Different, by Lisa Selin Davis BROADVIEW with Lisa Selin Davis -- Lisa's subscription newsletter Women 32% More Likely to Die After Operation by Male Surgeon, Study Reveals -- The Guardian article about the study mentioned at 13:12 How to Raise a Boy (w Michael C. Reichert) -- ON BOYS conversation To Raise a Boy (w Emma Brown) -- ON BOYS conversation Raising Them: Our Adventures in Gender Creative Parenting, by Kyl Myers -- book mentioned at 40:01 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ONBOYS22 discount code to SAVE 22% off your orderAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Nefertiti Austin’s son was 6 yrs old when she realized he’d “have to learn that his race and gender could get him killed," she writes in Motherhood So White: A Memoir of Race, Gender, and Parenting in America. That's not a lesson white boys have to learn, and that's one consequence of living in a country where motherhood is so white. As Nefertiti points out in her 2019 book, the default “parent” in American culture is a married white person with white children. Her 15 year old son is now 5'10 and wears a size 10 shoe. He's not an adult, but Nefertiti knows that many people are far more likely to look at her son and see a threat than a child deserving protection and nourishment. "He is seen as a Black man in America, so the protections that your sons have, he does not have," Nefertiti told Jen. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Nefertiti discuss: The "talk" parents have with Black boys Becoming a parent via adoption & the foster care system Helping boys navigate gender norms The parenthood stories we don't tell The wisdom, burdens & challenges of Black motherhood Making space for & including parents of all cultures Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: nefertitiaustion.com -- Nefertiti's website Motherhood So White: A Memoir of Race, Gender, and Parenting in America, by Nefertiti Austin Supporting Black Boys' Mental Health (w Chandra White-Cummings) -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 16:30 How I'm Teaching My Black Children to Thrive in a World That Isn't Fair -- Nefertiti's Washington Post article (mentioned at 26:38) Critical Race Theory -- article by Nefertiti (mentioned at 27:45) Becoming -- Michelle Obama's memoir (mentioned at 32:14) The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys -- classic Building Boys post (mentioned at 36:13) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-course Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sports and masculinity have long been intertwined. For a long time, boys and men were the only ones who were allowed to play sports. Athletic fields and locker rooms were seen as places where boys became men. We’ve seen where that can lead. We’ve seen little boys & teenagers told to “man up!”, “rub some dirt on it” and play past the pain. We’ve heard “locker room talk” and know all about horrific hazing that has happened in some high school locker rooms. Each of us can probably name multiple top athletes who’ve been accused of sexual assault, domestic violence or murder. And yet, in recent years, we’ve seen some pretty amazing examples of male athletes pushing back against stereotypical gender norms.  "There's a long narrative around boys dominating the field and boys being trained to be men. And sport and athleticism was yet another arena in which boys and men could publicly demonstrate strength, domination, and power over other men," says Michael Kehler, PhD, Werklund Research Professor, Masculinities Studies at the University of Calgary. Sports, he says, has become another "bastion of the male elite" where boys and men "establish themselves within the hierarchy of masculinity." Before signing your son up for a sport, you should "think carefully about why," Michael says. Why are you choosing sport over, say, other physical activities? And why are you choosing that particular sport? It is because your son has expressed an interest in the activity? Because you or his father played it? Because you want him to toughen up? "We need to be award of the intentional ways in which we contribute to our children's understanding of gender through certain activities," he says. It is most helpful to encourage our kids to try a wide variety of activities. "The more that our children have opportunities to try things and express themselves in different ways, then the healthier they're going to be in terms of their own well-being," Michael says, "because they see that they don't need to adhere to those fairly rigid (and what can be very damaging) scripts of masculinity." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Michael discuss: Why (& how) sports & masculinity are linked How adult ideas about sport & masculinity influence the sports offer to little boys Hierarchy of sports in the male world Other physical activities for boys Sports, popularity, & social currency Helping boys understand that there are many ways to be a boy or man How coaches affect boys' understanding of masculinity Why male affection seems more welcome in sport than elsewhere Body image and bodyshaming How to tell if it's time to quit a sport Masculinity and mental health Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Rule of Being a Man: If We Know Them, Why Don't We Change Them? -- Dr. Kehler's TEDx talk Men & Boys Cry Too -- Building Boys post about incident mentioned at 4:39 How (Not) to Talk to Boys -- Building Boys post (mentioned at 21:32) Coaches Speak About Youth Sports -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ONBOYS22 discount code to SAVE 22% off your orderAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy