ON BOYS Podcast

Yes, it's possible to have a kid and a life. A life beyond babies, boys, and ballgames. A life that includes your hopes, dreams, and passions. It's normal (and healthy) for your career, marriage, and friendships to shift and evolve when you become a parent. But you don't have to give your all to parenting. It's okay (and healthy!) to reserve some time and energy for yourself. "As my son got older, all of my activities centered around what he did," says Ericka Souter, a journalist and author of How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide. "I realized that I was drowning in kid activities and I was unhappy about that. I felt like I needed to do something for myself." That urge led her to interview other moms and begin writing her book. Reporting, researching, traveling and talking to others helped Erika feel whole again. Of course, it's not easy to make time for yourself amidst the demands of family life. So, you'll have to let go of things that don't serve you. "You have to give yourself permission to let go of people and activities that don't make you feel good," Ericka says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Ericka discuss: The "mom gene" Making time for personal passions How to make mom friends Advocating for yourself Why taking time for yourself is good for your kids Taking back ownership of your body Prioritizing time with your partner Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide -- Ericka's book erikasouter.com -- Ericka's website Discovery of the "Mom Gene" May Explain Why Some of Us Don't Crave Having Kids -- article by Ericka (mentioned at 6:45) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or moreAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Which ON BOYS episodes were the Best of 2021?  Photo by Olya Kobruseva from Pexels The answers may surprise you! 5. Highly Sensitive Boys with William Allen By age 5, William Allen understood very clearly that he was different. People told him to “man up” and that he “needed to be tougher.” Their words and reactions to his emotions told him, in no uncertain terms, that he was not living up to the masculine ideal. And, like many highly sensitive people (HSP), William reacted strongly to criticism. He internalized it and assumed that people were laughing at him, for instance, rather than his ridiculous costume when he took the stage in a school play. William says parents can help their highly sensitive sons learn how to verbalize and test their internal thoughts.. If you liked this episode, you may like Sensitive Boys (w Sandy Gluckman) 4. The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys Jen & Janet talk about Jen's first book, The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys! “If you don’t express an openness or willingness to listen to your son’s viewpoint, he’s not going to listen to yours. Remember that you have different perspectives. When it comes to social issues, your son does not know what happened 20, 30, 50, 100 years before he was born. So you have important perspective that you can share with him. But at the same time, you don’t know what his daily experience is like. You don’t fully understand what’s happening in schools, what it’s like to be a kid today." If you liked this episode, you may like Parenting Tween & Teenage Boys 3. Dr. Michele Borba Knows How to Help Boys Thrive Many boys are stressed but don’t tell their parents because “they don’t want to hurt us,” Dr. Borba says. They want and need coping skills, and aren’t getting what they need from school social-emotional learning (SEL) programs. And they’re really worried about “flunking life.” It’s time for parents to pivot and refocus their parenting efforts. The first step, Dr. Borba says, is to prioritize mental health. If you liked this episode, you may like You Can Thrive with Chronic Illness and Special Needs 2. How to NOT Raise an A-Hole Karen Alpert (of the blog Baby Sideburns), a mom of two and author of Mamas, Don’t Let Your Kids Grow Up to be A-Holes: Unfiltered Advice on How to Raise Awesome Kids, recognizes that parents are terrified of inadvertently raising assholes. “It is definitely one of my big fears,” she says. “I don’t want to raise a kid that’s an a-hole. All the sexting and scary stuff and  male chauvinism and racism  – I’m trying to hard to teach my kids that stuff shouldn’t be part of their lives.” If you liked this episode, you may like Just Don't be an Asshole (w Kara Kinney Cartwright)  1. Keeping Boys Safe Online (w Amy Lang) Boys today don’t even have to go looking for porn; it finds them. A simple, developmentally appropriate search for “sex” or “boobs” can lead to some pretty disturbing content in just a click or two, which means we have to talk to our boys about sex, likely at lot earlier than you may think. “All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making,” Amy says. “If we don’t get in the door early, our impact is less. It’s really important to establish yourself as their go-to person.” If you liked this episode, you may like Parenting Sexually Active Boys Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

ON BOYS listeners really want to know how to keep boys safe online. Which makes sense, given that the internet is a portal to all kinds of free and easily accessible porn -- as well as conspiracy theories, disinformation, and peer pressure. In January 2021, we asked our friend Amy Lang to help us address this question, and she did not disappoint. The resulting episode was so well-received that it became our most popular episode of 2021. Keeping Boys Safe Online has been downloaded more than 8,000 times! (For context: That's 1,000 more downloads than our next most popular episode.) A few highlights: “All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making. If we don’t get in the door early, our impact is less. It’s really important to establish yourself as their go-to person.” and “I think it’s way more important to be sexually savvy and to understand healthy relationships than to score a 9000 on the PSAT.” In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss: Why you need to talk to your boys about sex a lot sooner than you think How boys accidently encounter porn Setting the stage to talk about sex Does talking to boys about porn encourage them to seek it out? Establishing family guidelines re internet usage The difference between parental controls and monitoring (and how to use each) How porn affects boys Preparing boys for porn exposure Helping boys resist peer pressure to look at porn Keeping boys safe online Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Next Gen Men Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 15% off their Raising Next Gen Men course, designed for parents, educators, coaches, and youth workers who work with boys and believe in better possibilities for the next generation of men. Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your orderAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do we raise next gen men -- men who can thrive in the 21st century? "When you're on a playground, you can't yell, 'Hey, Tommy, cut that hegemonic masculinity out!'" says Jake Stika, co-founder of Next Gen Men, a Canadian organization dedicated to changing how the world sees, acts and thinks about masculinity. Parents, educators and boys need concrete, practical suggestions and assistance. Talking to boys about consent, for example, is not enough. Today's tweens and teens understand the concept of consent and understand why it's important, but they need help figuring out how to apply consent in their personal relationships. "They want to know, 'What do I actually say, that's not too awkward?'" says Jonathon Reed, youth program manager for Next Gen Men. Boys also need and want to understand their role in the #MeToo era. Many have heard that they should listen to women and girls and want to know if they're allowed to talk as well. "It's really benevolent sexism that we're perpetuating when we don't empower boys to be stakeholders, beneficiaries, and co-conspirators in conversations" about equality, the gender wage gap, childcare, and parenting, Stika says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Jake & Jonathon discuss: Helping boys understand consent (and giving them words to use in real-life situations) Creating space for boys to find solutions How boys use humor Gendered expectations Gender equity Benevolent sexism Male-on-male violence Why boys (all boys!) need people who see them, value them, & KNOW them The difference between harm & abuse Boys & anger (Did you know that trauma can manifest as anger?) Metabolizing shame Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: NextGenMen website Breaking the Boy Code -- our previous ON BOYS conversation with Jonathon Raising Next Gen Men course -- use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% ON BOYS episodes featuring ADHD Dude Ryan Wexelblatt (mentioned at 14:17) Boys & Sex (w Peggy Orenstein) -- ON BOYS episode We Will Not Cancel Us -- essay by Adrienne Brown (mentioned at 34:22) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for families  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Jon Lasser believes we all have a role to play in expanding boys' opportunities. The Man Box and Boy Code still limit and shape boys' behavior. And although there are plenty of books and TV shows that encourage girls to step past gendered boundaries, there are far fewer resources for boys and their parents. "As a feminist dad, I found a lot of great resources for girls that showed them that they could be anyone they wanted to be. They could be strong and capable and powerful. But I didn't see a lot of resources for boys," says Dr. Jon, a school psychologist, psychology professor and dad of two adult daughters. He decided to address the issue by authoring a children's picture book entitled What Boys Do. Our boys absorb so many unconscious messages about gender. As a child, Dr. Jon noticed the males and females of his family sorting themselves into separate rooms and activities after Thanksgiving dinner. The men went into the living room to watch football; the women talked while working together in the kitchen. Young Jon was more interested in the kitchen conversations. "I wish I had had someone pulled me aside and say, 'It's okay to go where you're comfortable. It's okay to go where you can be you. You don't have to go where the Y chromosomes go,'" he says. Parents, teachers, and caregivers also must make an effort to move past "our own preconceived notions of 'what boys like,'" Dr. Jon says, and to "celebrate what they like." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jon discuss: Unconscious gender divisions in family gatherings Supporting boys' interests How children understand and learn about gender Why some boys welcome therapy - and others resist it The importance of FREEDOM and FUN Discussing gender role stereotypes with boys Gender role strain The problem with "problematizing" teen's tendency to question authority Books for boys Using imaginative play to learn about & understand your son Unconditional positive regard for boys Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: What Boys Do, by Dr. Jon Lasser -- Dr. Jon's picture book My Boy Can with Sassy Harvey -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 3:58) "My Boy Can" Parenting -- earlier ON BOYS conversation with Sassy Are You My Mother? -- classic children's book (mentioned at 24:35) Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? -- classic children's book (mentioned at 24:40) The Paper Bag Princess -- book mentioned at 27:30 Tech Generation: Raising Balanced Kids in a Hyper-Connected World, by Mike Brooks & Dr. Jon Lasser (mentioned at 41:00) Magination Press -- includes links to Dr. Jon's other picture books Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for families   Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your orderAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jack Kammer says boys are affected by sexism too.  Boys and girls who engage in the same exact behavior may be treated very differently. And yet, when we fail to acknowledge that fact, we contribute to the gaslighting of our boys. Because the truth is that males and females both experience advantages AND disadvantages related to their sex and gender. But while a lot of societal effort has been directed toward decreasing gender-related disadvantages that hold back females, little attention has been directed toward eliminating barriers commonly encountered by boys and men. "For the past 60 years, we've done a pretty good job of making sure that girls have a lot of fluidity in the choices that they can make and the options they can pursue," says Kammer, author of Heroes of the Blue Sky Rebellion: How You and Other Young Men Can Claim All the Happiness in the World. "We don't do that so much for boys." In fact, he says, when it comes to love, relationships, nurturing, and expression, today's prevailing narrative posits female superiority and male inferiority. As a result, too many boys and men (and girls & women) believe that males can't multi-task or competently care for young children. "It was a very bad thing for our nation to waste all of the talent that women had to be good business people, lawyers, and scientists. It's really a bad thing for us to waste all of the love and nurturance, the desire to be fully human and helpful, that men feel," Kammer says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jack discuss: Helping boys grapple with sexism Advocating for boys in the classroom and on the playground Recess and its importance for boys (& girls) Fluidity for boys How gender stereotypes harm boys & men Shame's impact on boys Empowering boys to delay sexual activity Encouraging father involvement Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: jackkammer.com -- Jack's website (includes links to his male-friendly podcasts) Heroes of the Blue Sky Rebellion: How You and Other Young Men Can Claim All the Happiness in the World -- Jack's book Boy Moms as Boy Advocates -- ON BOYS episode featuring Gemma Gaudette (mentioned at 6:10) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for families   Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your orderAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Did you know that boys may be more susceptible to respiratory viruses than girls? Society tells us that boys are strong and tough, but the truth is that males are biologically fragile -- from before birth all the way through to death. Male fetuses are more likely to be miscarried than female fetuses, especially during stressful times. Men tend to have weaker immune systems than women, and males are more susceptible to all kinds of viral respiratory illnesses, including the common cold, influenza respiratory syncytial virus (RSV), and COVID-19. Males who contract COVID-19 are more likely than females with the same illness to land in the hospital and develop complications. Handwashing, plenty of sleep, fresh diet and a healthy diet can all bolster boys' immune systems. Given the amount of "crud" out there this time of year, you may want to take some extra steps to protect your son's respiratory health -- and minimize the number of sick days your family has this year! Most respiratory viruses spread through the air. Infected people exhale the virus, which can linger in the air. Others in the area unknowingly inhale the virus -- and often become sick a few days later. Wearing a well-fitting mask in public places can dramatically decrease the chances of your son (and your family) contracting a respiratory illness. "Nobody wants to wear a mask," says Jim Rathburn, CEO of of LCP Medical and a dad & grandfather of boys. "But societally, I think we have reached a new normal where wearing a mask is important in some situations." Consider wearing masks: At the grocery store On public transportation In school settings At airports "Those are high risk areas where you don't know if other people are infected or there's something floating around in the atmosphere," Jim says. "There's at least 100 different viruses out there that want to join your cells. Some of them are relatively benign and some of them are a huge threat to life. "It doesn't take much just to wear a protective mask that can prevent you from getting something." This episode is sponsored by LCP Medical. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jim discuss: Boys' vulnerability to respiratory viruses How respiratory viruses spread How masks decrease transmission of respiratory viruses Characteristics of effective masks Why we're all increasingly susceptible to the common cold Truth about parenting boys! Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Don't Want Your Kids to Wear a Mask in School? Do This. -- Building Boys post Sick Day Survival -- classic Building Boys post Why Are Americans Still -- Still! - Wearing Cloth Masks? -- Atlantic article (mentioned at 11:27) Healthcare Providers Need Better than N95 -- Modern Healthcare article authored by Jim (mentioned at 15:05) Flu Has Disappeared for More Than a Year -- Scientific American article discussed at 23:15 Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Video game addiction Google that term and you'll get 95 million results -- and the first one is for an addiction treatment center. But is video game addiction really "a thing?" More importantly -- what can parents do if they think their kid's gaming is out of control? Step one, says Chris Ferguson, a psychology professor and co-author of Moral Combat: Why the War on Video Video Games is Wrong, is to figure out if technology & gaming "is really the culprit." Often, video games aren't the cause of obsessive behavior; rather, excessive or obsessive gaming can be a symptom of an underlying issue. Depression, for instance, may be the root cause of obsessive gaming. And if that's the case, taking away a child's phone or video game system is unlikely to lead to positive changes. Instead, the child will become angry and resentful and his depression -- the thing that's fueling his desire for comfort and escape -- remains. To most effectively parent tweens & teens, you have to first identify -- and then question -- your own fears and biases. Are you afraid that playing video video games will turn your son into a school shooter? Take heart -- research to date does not support a link between video game violence & real-world violence. (In fact, school shooters are less likely than their peers to play video games.) It also helps to remember moral panics of the past. (Did the rock music you listened to as a teen turn you into a Satanist? Probably not...) In most cases, parents and children can work together to address problematic gaming. If you need professional help, look for a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in working with teenagers. Your child does not need  -- and probably won't benefit from -- working with an addiction specialist. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Chris discuss: Why calling excessive gaming an "addiction" isn't helpful How kids use gaming as a coping mechanism Typical teen development (& how that may influence your son's use of games, and your perception of your son) The link between parenting style, school stress & gaming Why boys choose video gaming over homework & chores Setting rules & boundaries for video games, screen time, homework & household chores Moral panics, music & video games Do video games negatively affect boys' perceptions of women? Realistic expectations for parenting tween & teenage boys Male development (note: guys tend to mature more slowly than their female counterparts) Warning signs of video game "addiction" What to do if you see technology overuse Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Moral Combat: Why the War on Video Video Games is Wrong, by Patrick Markey & Chris Ferguson christopherjferguson.com -- Chris' website How the War on Video Games is Hurting Your Son -- Building Boys post The Link Between Freedom and Video Games -- Building Boys post The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys: Practical Advice for Your Son's Formative Years, by Jennifer L.W. Fink -- Jen's book, mentioned at 17:24 How Madness Shaped History: An Eccentric Array of Maniacal Rulers, Raving Narcissists, and Psychotic Visionaries -- Chris' latest book Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for familiesAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Before he started The Tyler Merritt Project or created his viral video, Before You Call the Cops, Tyler Merritt was a confused, young black boy trying to make sense of all the expectations and stereotypes swirling around him. "I wish somebody had really sat down with me as a young person and simply said, 'Hey, Tyler, you're going to make a lot of mistakes. A lot of mistakes. And those mistakes are going to go on for a very long time. But listen young man: do not let those mistakes ruin you; do not let those mistakes define you. Let those mistakes become your fuel, your fire to burn stronger and become the man that can help change the world." That's a message our boys need to hear.  It's one we all need to hear. Mistakes are survivable. And hiding due to shame, regret, or fear of another mistake is, well, a mistake. "What and who are we missing because we have convinced individuals that they no longer have worth because of the mistakes that they have made?" Tyler says. "How many great leaders have we missed? How many great faith leaders, political leaders, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers have decided that they no longer want to do that thing that is significantly just them, that only they can do, because they have decided that those one or two mistakes are things that they can never come back from?" Tyler speaks from experience. He withdrew from social media (and many real-world interactions) after intimate photos he privately sent to another individual, um, were discovered by her husband. Who threatened to share the photos with the entire world. Loneliness set in. But eventually, Tyler realized that mistakes are universal. "I remember thinking to myself: I don't need to just come back through this for myself; I need to come back through this for every young man, young woman, everyone that I've hurt, to let them know that we can still do great things," he says. Now, "finding are finding hope in themselves because of my stories," Tyler says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Tyler discuss: Expectations placed on boys How history affects black boys in school even today Recovering from mistakes Letting people see your full self How loving yourself helps you love others Finding hope in spite of anger How accepting our mistakes allows us to connect with others Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: I Take My Coffee Black: Reflections on Tupac, Musical Theatre, Faith, and Being Black in America -- Tyler's book Before You Call the Cops -- Tyler's viral video The Tyler Merritt Project on Facebook How to be an Antiracist, by Ibram X. Kendi -- books mentioned at 14:36 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Schedule a Breakthrough Session with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for familiesAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Is wilderness therapy a good choice for troubled boys?  For boys who are self-harming, self-medicating with alcohol or drugs, or in trouble with the law? Is wilderness therapy the solution for families who have tried everything and are desperate to help their sons? It can be, says Jane (name changed at her request, to protect her family's privacy) and Tami, two parents who made the decision to place their sons in wilderness therapy programs, and TJ, Tami's 21-year-old son who was enrolled in an outdoor behavioral healthcare program four years ago. "Our son started spiraling years ago, and we tried everything we could. Therapists. Coaches. Talking to him. More severe consequences," Jane says. "We were dealing with school avoidance, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and defiance, and it got to the point where my husband and I just didn't feel like we had control. It was this cycle of dysfunction, and it got so bad that our family started to normalize it." Things deteriorated to the point that their son's therapist told them their son would either end up "in an orange jumpsuit, or with an addiction problem." Their son was 14. The final straw, Jane says, came when her son's school said they may have to report the family to social services due to their son's continued truancy. Four years after his therapy experience, TJ says the discomfort was worth it. "It is honestly miserable a good amount of the time. It's hard; it's not an easy experience. But no experience worth having is easy," he says. "If I hadn't done those 3 months in the wilderness, I don't know where I'd be today. It really did teach me a lot about myself and how to live in a positive way." Photo by Justin Burger via Flickr In this episode, Jen, Jane, Tami Ann & TJ discuss: Why families choose wilderness therapy Prioritizing mental health What to do when therapy doesn't seem to work Family dysregulation Why tweens/teens drink alcohol/use drugs The wilderness therapy experience How to find (and vet) an educational consultant Parents' role in wilderness therapy Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: A Wilderness Story: A Teen's Road to Healing, by Tami Ann -- FB page for Tami Ann's book Troubled Boys (w Kenneth R Rosen) -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 2:51 Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) -- resource mentioned by TJ; help for people who drinking and substance use problems Wilderness Therapy w Paul Cumbo -- ON BOYS episode discussing a novel about wilderness therapy ICEA (International Association of Educational Consultants) -- resource mentioned at 50:45 Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for familiesAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy