ON BOYS Podcast

Need some practical parenting strategies to help you manage hitting, backtalk and disobedience?  Amy Williams has solutions. Amy is a school counselor who also helps overwhelmed and stuck parents. And let's be real: we all feel overwhelmed, stuck, and unsure at various points during our parenting journey. Giving ourselves grace is step one to moving forward, Amy says. Pause. Take some deep breaths. Step away from the situation, if you can. "If the tantrum is happening over there, but there are no blood, brains or bones, you can take a minute to take care of yourself," she says, "so you can come back and be the parent you want to be vs. the parent who is at that high stress, dysregulated state. "Our children need us to be regulated, and when we don't take our own self into consideration and have respect for ourselves as a person -- and know how to regulate ourselves -- then our children won't see that happen. We are role models." Despite our best intentions, many of us unconsciously sabotage our parenting efforts. The most common forms of parental self-sabotage include: Talking too much Procrastination "Forgetting to pant" Negative scripting Ignoring your own unmet needs Identifying your typical patterns can help you figure out which changes to make to quickly yield better results. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss: Why self-care is essential for effective parenting How role-modeling can teach emotional regulation 4 ways parents sabotage their parenting efforts Adult talking speed vs. kids' processing speed (we talk too fast for kids to process!) Connecting with your child during "neutral" time Breaking family patterns Narrating interactions with your kids What to say when your child says, "I'm stupid!" or "I hate you!" Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Amy Williams Academy -- Amy's website Caring Discipline: Practical Tools for Nurturing Happy Families and Classrooms, by Joanne Nordling -- book mentioned at 20:51 Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 42:00 janetlansbury.com -- website of parenting educator mentioned by Amy Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for familiesAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Hunt, Gather, Parent, by Michaeleen Doucleff, shares ancient wisdom that's still relevant today: the key to raising healthy, happy, helpful humans is to engage them in work of the family and community.  That's a truth we seem to have forgotten in our collective desire to optimize our kids. Our intentions are good, but our actions -- signing our kids up for multiple extracurricular activities; spending our weekends shuffling them around to tournaments and birthday parties -- may actually be harming our kids' development. Michaeleen's investigation of parenting practices began when her daughter was two and hitting, biting, and experiencing frequent tantrums. "Everything in my heart wanted to help her, to teach her how to calm down," Michaeleen says. So, like a good modern parent, Michaeleen read parenting books and blogs. But nothing she tried seemed to help. "We'd get in these big cycles: I'd eventually get angry and she would get louder," Michaeleen says. "To be honest, I really started to dread my time with her." Then Michaeleen, a science correspondent for NPR, was sent to the Yucatan to follow up on a research paper that found that Mayan kids are better at paying attention than American kids. The experience was life-changing. "What those parents showed me in the week we were there really shifted my whole thinking about parenting," she says. "I started to realize there's a different way to do this that's not only easier but more effective." Learn more in Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Michaeleen discuss: How a trip to the Yucatan shifted Michaeleen's approach to parenting Why letting children explore is more effective than telling kids what to do Going against the parenting grain Benefits of family-focused (vs. kid-focused) parenting Involving kids in the work of the family Why you should get rid of some of your kids' toys Creating opportunities to share How kids develop initiative Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans -- Michaeleen's book A Global Guide for Parents: How Your Kids Can Have Fun Without Stressing You Out -- NPR article by Michaeleen michaeleendoucleff.com -- Michaeleen's website Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for familiesAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Teaching boys to drive can be exciting, scary. and intimidating. Boys are more likely than girls to speed, drink while driving, and take chances when they have passengers in the car. "I think he thought driving was going to be super intuitive," says Carole, mom of Lucas, a newly-licensed driver. "When we started, he was like, 'Whoa, this is not at all what I thought it was going to be!' It's not Forza." No matter how many hours your son has logged Forza and other popular driving video games, it's a good idea to start his real-world driving adventure in a parking lot or other wide-open space where he can gain experience without worrying about other drivers. But even after your son has mastered the basics of driving, it can be unnerving for parents to hand over control of car. "It was definitely hard to see him drive off the very first time," Carole says. "It immediately brought me back to when he was in 5th grade and wanted to ride his bike to school. We don't live on a super bike-able road, so we talked about it and we biked it together and the day he rode off by himself, I was like, 'Oh my gosh, I just have to trust that everything I've done up to this point is going to be enough.'" In this episode, Jen, Janet, Carole & Lucas discuss: Parental involvement in teaching boys to drive Driver's ed State requirements to obtain a driver's license Real-world driving vs. by-the-books driving Managing parental fears & grief Safety concerns Effectively communicating risk to teenage boys What to do if your son doesn't want to learn to drive Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Age 16 & Learning to Let Go -- Building Boys post Safety Tips for Parents Teaching Their Boys How to Drive -- Building Boys post Here's How You Keep Your Teen Safe on the Road -- Building Boys post 6 Things Every Father Should Teach His Son About Cars -- Building Boys post How to Help Kids with ADHD Drive Safely -- Child Mind Institute article Teens with ADHD and Driving -- article from Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for families    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Let legendary parenting author Steve Biddulph teach you how to be a fully human parent. His book, Fully Human: A New Way of Using Your Mind, came out a few months ago and Janet talked to him about it then. Later this month, he's releasing a brand new online talk about being a fully human parent, so we're re-running Janet's conversation with Steve and encourage you all to check out his talk. We'll let Steve tell you about it: For months now I have been hard at work writing and filming a BRAND NEW TALK- It is called The Fully Human Parent, and is all about how to protect and strengthen your mental health, and that of your children. It is a lot of fun, and as you will know with my talks, has a remarkable emotional impact.  The editors working on it said they were crying as they worked on the stories.   This talk is direct from my living room, with beautiful graphics and teaching segments to make it visually full of life. It teaches how to help your kids master their own minds, and know how to release anxiety, move through strong feelings safely, and grow their feeling of love and connection.   And be strong and know what is right for them, so they aren’t pushed or pulled by others around them.    It also teaches a strong spirituality that is applicable within or without religious traditions. So we invite you to the World Premiere of this talk,  on Thursday October 21st.  And as another world first, it is viewable in ANY TIME ZONE at the convenient time of 8 p.m.  regardless of where you live in the world. Teenagers might even enjoy it.  (It’s a bit intense for primary children) but MAINLY ITS FOR YOU, SO YOU CAN HAVE BETTER MENTAL HEALTH AND TEACH YOUR CHILDREN HOW TO DO THAT TOO. The Fully Human Parent  -  Thursday 21st October 8.00 pm    Just $16.00 per family ticket.  Please tell your friends too! https://www.trybooking.com/BTQVT Sincerely, Steve and the teamAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Parenting boys thru divorce is...challenging. Hard. Not fun. And also, important and worthy of your best effort. Unfortunately, most people going through divorce are not exactly in peak condition. Divorce and separation is all kinds of stressful, and it's near-impossible to be your best self when so much of your time and energy is focused on survival and figuring out what the &#*(^ happened to your relationship. Start by dialing back some the guilt. Reports that divorce is uniformly terrible for kids -- and especially so for boys -- have been greatly exaggerated, says Patrick Markey, PhD, co-author of F*ck Divorce: A Science-Based Guide to Piecing Yourself Together After Your Life Implodes.  "For most children and adults, divorce is not going to be a thing that defines their lives," he says. "It's part of their lives and it's going to affect them forever, but it's not going to set them on a path of doom." 5 factors affect boys' response to divorce or separation: Financial situation Peer relationships Self-blame The parents' relationships with one another Parents' parenting styles "It's kind of like allergies: for most people, peanut butter is totally fine. But for some people with certain pre-existing conditions, they could have some troubling outcomes." Patrick says. "Divorce is the same way. For most kids, it's not going to be great, but they're going to get through it. But for some children with certain environmental circumstances, they might be more at risk for experiencing some problems." Your efforts to manage your emotions and build and maintain a functional relationship with your co-parent will go a long way to increasing your son's chances of thriving despite divorce. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Patrick discuss: Parenting boys thru divorce What research says regarding the impact of divorce on kids 5 factors that affect boys' response to divorce Interacting with your ex How to productively communicate with you ex Facilitating boys' connections with their fathers Dads who aren't great role models Helping kids deal with self-blame Teaching kids about healthy relationships Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: F*ck Divorce: A Science-Based Guide to Piecing Yourself Together After Your Life Implodes, by Patrick Markey & Erica Slotter -- Patrick's book Is Shared Parenting Best for Boys After Divorce? -- BuildingBoys blog post Tips for Single Moms Raising Boys - BuildingBoys blog post What About Less-Than-Ideal Role Models? -- BuildingBoys blog post (relevant to conversation at 22:54) Kate & Jon Gosselin Missed this Memo -- BuildingBoys blog post How the War on Violent Video Games is Hurting Your Son -- BuildingBoys blog post featuring an interview with Patrick, about his book, Moral Combat: Why the War on Violent Video Game is Wrong Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Is healthy sports parenting possible? At elite levels of competition? If you watched the 2020 summer Olympics (held summer 2021), you know that the stress & strain of elite competition was a big focus this year. Simone Biles had the “twisties.” Michael Phelps talked about his bouts with depression. A few months after the Olympics, Biles and other former Olympians testified (again) about the abuse they suffered at the hands of former team doctor Larry Nassar.  We  wondered, Is it possible for a child to attain athletic greatness without suffering? Can parents' protect young athletes' physical and mental health when so many value "wins" over well-being? It is, says Jeanette Hurt, a Milwaukee-based writer and parent of a young gymnast and diver. From a young age, her son had "an intense need to move," she says. His early forays into sports -- baseball, swimming, gymnastics -- were positive. But when he started showing talent in gymnastics and moved up to working out with older gymnasts, Jeanette noticed some disturbing signs. "Quinn started developing some tics; he was having a really rough time," Jeanette says. After her son told her that an older athlete on the team assigned physical punishment to her son for "not paying attention," Jeanette talked to a sports psychologist who pointed her toward safesport.org, which outlines abusive vs. healthy coaching practices. Red flags that may indicate abusive coaching include: Coaches insulting youth athletes A child who is crying or doesn't want to go to practice Coaches who insist the child focuses on a single sport, despite other interests Jeanette pulled her son out of that program and encourages other sports parents to "trust your gut." Today, her son is thriving. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jeanette discuss: Recognizing - & responding to -- abusive coaching Supporting young athletes' physical and mental health When to let an athlete quit The role of sports parents Recognizing signs of athleticism in young boys Should you reward kids of athletic achievements? Discovering your son's superpowers Preventing & managing sports injuries Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Healthy Sports Parenting Starts with These Tips -- Chicago Health article by Jeanette (mentioned at 5:04) safesport.org -- website mentioned at 6:28 jeanettehurt.com -- Jeanette's website, featuring links to her books Coaches Speak About Youth Sports -- ON BOYS episode The Vein of Gold: A Journey to Your Creative Heart, by Julia Cameron -- book mentioned at 16:32 #HeySportsParents: An Essential Guide for Any Parent with a Child in Sports, by Sharkie Zartman and Dr. Robert Weil -- book mentioned at 18:09Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Boy moms make the most effective boy advocates.  That's a lesson Gemma Gaudette learned early on. Gaudette, the host of Idaho Matters on Boise State Public Radio and the mom of 2 sons, ages 13 and 9, didn’t really understand the challenges boys face in the world until she had sons. Now, she believes that moms of boys need to advocate on their behalf. "If we don't stand up for our boys, no one else will," Gaudette says.  When her boys started elementary school, Gaudette realized that many adults misunderstood boys' physicality. "My one son missed a week of recess in the first grade -- in the first grade! -- for playing Tag too rough," she says. "Yet the girls who were involved did not miss recess." By second grade, her younger son -- who has ADHD -- was labeled by teachers and educators as "a bad kid," she says. That was when she realized that "boys are being put into these boxes of how they're supposed to be and how they're supposed to behave," Gaudette says, while girls are allowed more fluidity. "I'm so happy that girls are allowed this fluidity, to be rough and tumble, to be sweet, to be all of these things, and I think we're still struggling with that with our boys," she says. "We have to do a better job of allowing boys as much fluidity as girls." Boys moms are perfectly positioned to advocate for true gender equity. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Gemma discuss: How adult misunderstanding of boys creates problems Boys' experiences in elementary school Implicit bias and gender stereotypes Double standards that harm boys & girls The societal narrative that paints boys as potential predators Why moms must speak out against implicit bias against boys Male development vs. female development Working towards gender equity for all Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Raising Boys -- CBSN documentary featuring Jen & Gemma (mentioned at 2:15) Is There a "Right" Way to Talk to Your Kids About Coronavirus? -- Janet on Gemma's show, Idaho Matters ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude - ON BOYS episode mentioned by Gemma at 2:45 Dr, Michele Borba Knows How to Help Boys Thrive -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 37:01 Gorilla of Pain -- Gemma's son's YouTube channel. Here's one of our favorite videos: Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Like it or not, your son will probably become sexually active at some point.  Do you... a) buy him condoms? b) let his romantic interest stay over? c) say ABSOLUTELY NOT to sleep over requests? d) freak out? Or....???? Note: there are no "right" answers to these questions. Each family has their own values regarding sex, and each of our sons is a unique human being.  -- which means that we each have to grapple with these questions. Today's guests are Dick and Dennie, a brother and sister who are each parenting young adults. They helped steer their teens through crushes, dating and relationships. They made some different choices along the way, but the children of each are doing well and their parent/child relationships remain strong. "Our parting gift to all of our kids, as we're leaving their college room, is the value-pack of condoms," Dennie says. "Whether it was our daughter or our 3 boys. We would say, "listen, even if you're not using them, if your friend needs it, hand 'em out." Dick admits to thinking about male and female sexuality differently. "I am aware, and have been for a long time, that I have 2 different perspectives on the way I think about sex for my boys and they way I think about sex for my daughter," he says. "It's not really a double standard; it's just a distinctly different perspective." He shared stories of his teenage experiences with his sons. "I think the most important and most valuable thing that I've done with my boys in particular, that I think was really a service to them -- they didn't like it, but I think it really was very good -- is I talked with them about what it's like to be a high school boy and what I was like as a high school boy and what happened to me." He admitted to his sons that he had "no idea what was going on" during his first consensual sexual experience. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Dick & Dennie discuss: Unpacking family values regarding sex The role of your child's pediatrician in sex ed Setting family rules re dating and relationships First sexual relationships Tackling our own fears and hang-ups re talking about sex Helping teenage boys understand the power of sexual urges Discussing consent -- & ensuring boys' understand their legal vulnerability Teaching respect for others Supporting kids' evolving relationships as they mature Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Boys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein -- ON BOYS episode 21st Century Sex Ed with Jo Langford -- ON BOYS episode Talk to Boys About Sex with Amy Lang -- ON BOYS episode Boundaries & Consent (w Sarah Casper) -- ON BOYS episode Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- classic Building Boys postAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Is your son musical?  Yes, he is -- even if hates singing, doesn't play an instrument, and acts up in music class. Human beings are inherently musical creatures, according to Joan Koenig, author of The Musical Child: Using the Power of Music to Raise Children Who Are Happy, Healthy, and Whole. In her book, Joan says that music: Helps develop vital physical coordination Fine-tunes our speech & hearing Reinforces memory Builds a practice of creative things Creates pleasure & connection Unfortunately, many of us adults, particularly in the Western world, have learned that music is for "musicians," when, in reality, we're all musical. Children naturally move to music. Cultures worldwide, across space and time, have used music to teach, connect, and express. "Music engages more than words," Joan says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Joan discuss: Why kids need to make music How music helps kids develop essential skills When (and how) to make music with your child Why music should be part of school curriculum (spoiler alert: kids learn best via music & movement!) How stereotypes affect boys' involvement in music Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Musical Child: Using the Power of Music to Raise Children Who Are Happy, Healthy, and Whole, by Joan Koenig joankoenig.com -- Joan's website How to Deal with a Troublemaker -- BuildingBoys blog post (mentioned at 18:45)Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

If you attended Seth Perler's TEFOS summit -- The Executive Function Online Summit -- and want more info, you're in the right place. (And if you missed the summit, no worries! You can still access recordings, and you'll get a lot from this podcast episode as well.) We first talked to Seth Perler about executive function in April 2021, and what he said was so foundational, so important for parents of boys with ADHD and other executive function challenges that we've decided to share it again. Some gems: “If you want to help a kid who is struggling with homework, grades, procrastination, under acheivement, time management, and motivation, you have to understand ONE thing – and one thing only – and that’s EXECUTIVE FUNCTION.” and “You have to understand the experience these boys are having. They’ve been asked to do these things so many time and they’ve failed or it’s been ‘not good enough;’ they’ve been told to re-do it, or ‘you didn’t put your name on it” or ‘it’s late so you’re getting a zero’ so many times.” In this episode, Jen, Janet & Seth discuss: What is executive function? Why boys with executive function challenges don’t struggle with Legos, video games or other activities they enjoy Why punishments & rewards aren’t effective motivation strategies Establishing reasonable expectations Helping kids who are behind (on turning in assignments, etc) “catch up” When (& how) to reach out to your son’s teacher How to deal with resistance Why it’s OK for your son to aim for a D (vs. a B) Exploring other educational options Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: sethperler.com — Seth’s website ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt, the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode Twice Exceptional (2e) Boys – ON BOYS episode Developing a Growth Mindset with Carol Dweck — TED talk The Shame of ADHD and Executive Function — Seth’s video/blog post Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy