The One Day At A Time Recovery Podcast

Get Sober, Stay Sober, Go Deeper All the information on how to get sober (or anything really) is out there for free. The trick is in knowing HOW to apply the information. In this video you will learn 3 secrets to applying it to your life. Want help? Schedule a free strategy call at : http://www.SoberLifeSchool.com

Guest Links:    www.authoredkressy.com https://www.defyventures.org/   Book recommendation:  Dreamseller: An Addiction Memoir by Brendon Novak https://amzn.to/2UMjGNS American Fix: Inside the Opioid Addiction Crisis - and How to End It by Ryan Hampton https://amzn.to/3hplAvG Aiming High: How a Prominent Sports and Celebrity Agent Hit Bottom at the Top by Darren Prince https://amzn.to/366gDCw   Favorite Quote: To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders. - Lao Tzu What I wish I knew: How important service is. To advocate for others. Please Subscribe on iTunes, Stitcher, and now YouTube! Be sure to follow me on Instagram too! @odaatpodcast and @arlinaallen

Teri, AKA as “TransGrams”. She Shares Her Recovery Journey and Transgender Transformation

Well, thank you for joining me, my friends on this solo episode of the one data time podcast. Today I'm going to be talking about the how of recoveries, three guiding principles that will help you get sober. A friend of mine actually interviewed me for an article that was published on Huffington Post and the article title was the house of recovery, three principles that can help you break free of addiction for good and I just kind of want to go over it because you know, those of us in the 12 step community are very familiar with this. But if you haven't taken that leap yet, this is really important information to have. So how stands for honest, open minded and willing and so that it all starts with the the honesty piece? I don't know if it was like a Albert Einstein, I think it was an Albert Einstein quote that said, have a problem can't be solved with the same level of consciousness that created it. That was one of the quotes that blew my mind. And so I really had to get honest about what was actually happening. It was the honesty about it wasn't, we want to be judged by our intentions, but people actually judge us by our actions, right. And so I had to get really honest with others about my own behavior, to get honest with myself, right? I was feeling like I was a victim, that, like I was at the effect of life instead of the cause. And so really, starting with that honesty, was, that was really my starting point, right? It's like a problem can't be solved. Until we acknowledge that there is a problem. sounds completely obvious, right? But when it comes to breaking addictions, we go into denial. Because, you know, we're using be that's our coping skill. It's like our best friend, it's, you know, it's the one thing that we feel like is saving us but, you know, when I first got sober, it was like, the thing that was saving me my savior turned into my executioner, right, like, I hate to be dramatic, but that's how it was like I was drunk driving. I was, you know, I was binge drinking. I wasn't physically addicted. I guess I didn't have like DTS in the morning. But I was a heavy binge drinker. And so you know, you suffer things like alcohol poisoning. You could i i've seen her. Over the 27 years, I've been sober people die from like a fixie ation, or alcohol poisoning. I unfortunately had a friend from high school who died from alcohol poisoning. And her husband and children found her on the couch is so terrible. It's the denial about how bad things are. Right? That's, that's it's the seek, it's was that thing. You're only as sick as your secrets, right? It's the secrets and the lies that keep us sick. So starting with the honesty, we just got to get really honest about where our lives are at how alcohol is affecting us, and how our behavior while drinking and doing drugs as affecting others. Right. So getting really honest about what's going on. And then the second one is open mindedness. There's this quote that I heard very, in the very beginning, it's the saying contempt prior to investigation. And a lot of times people will sort of like be dismissive about information before they actually have an opportunity to apply it. Right. So it's important, it's important to, you know, just stay open minded. And, you know, once you sort of open to the idea that there's another way of life, you know, when the student is ready, the teacher appears. That's a very famous old quote. I think it's the Lao Tzu. But anyway, having an open mind means that you become teachable. You know, just keep in mind that all your best ideas got you to this point, right? So maybe it would be helpful to be open minded and get some new information, so that you can make different decisions and take different actions, right, this is a lot of this is about cause and effect really, it's not personal, right? It's just cause and effect. So with the open mindedness about what's really going on honesty about what's going on the open mindedness to new information, new ways to approach challenging situations. That moves us then to the willingness piece, willingness, you know, in Alcoholics Anonymous, they say, doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result is the actual definition of insanity. So until we are willing to take action and actually do something different, nothing changes. So By being willing and maybe even desperately willing, that can be the catalyst that you need to take suggestions from these people. You know, it's sort of like the model of the apprentice, right? The Apprentice learns from the masters. It's just like role modeling, right? You seek out the people who have what you want, and then do what they do. It invokes the law of cause and effect, right? It works for everyone. So those are really the three things open, honest, open minded and willing willingness to, you know, do something different. So that is sort of the wrap up of the how of recovery. I mean, it'd be doing lots of little short. So if this is helpful to you, please subscribe. If you're watching this on YouTube, you can hit the little bell. And that will give you a notification when new little solo episodes are available. So I hope that was helpful. If you need any help, you can reach out to me at sober life school.com you can have a free strategy session, I will jump on the phone with you. I will listen to anything that you want to tell me and we can come up with a strategy that will help you to stop drinking. So reach out You are not alone. I'm here to help. I know tons of people that are willing to help. You can do it for free. You can go to 12 step programs, refuge recovery, Celebrate Recovery. I am a coach, I can help you orchestrate organize all your different resources. I don't care how you do it. The idea is that you just get sober. If I can be of assistance. Let me know. Thanks for hanging out with me and we'll talk again real soon.  

YouTube Link:  https://youtu.be/uuZU9WtXbNc   Guest Links:   SugarAddiction.com/Arlina   Book recommendation: Recovery Rising: A Retrospective of Addiction Treatment and Recovery Advocacy, by William L White https://amzn.to/3xxE974   Favorite Quote: “It takes everything it takes” What I wish I knew: “That at 28 when I first got sober, I was still really young.”

  I'm so excited to talk to you. You and I are part of the she recovers. Coaching community. And you and I have been doing lots of work together. Gosh, it's been a while since you went through the podcasting class, but we had so much fun I have, I just want to thank you publicly for all the generous support that you've given me. And you're such an inspiration for me and many people you're really generous with, with what you have. So sweet. Yes, it's I mean, it's my pleasure, right? Those of us who sort of been to the edge and have sort of survived, we do feel this impulse, this natural impulse to try to save people from their suffering. And so and you know, right back atcha sister, it's like, I love all the work that you're doing. You're you've just been doing a ton of work and, and helping other people recover, and, you know, come out of their suffering. So, yeah, fun. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I love collaborating. I love being inspired and hearing what other people are doing. And I'm definitely in the stage where I met with, you know, everything I'm doing that I'm having fun with it. It's like playful, it is playful, and you're doing so much good work. So you're launching a podcast, you're coaching, you're just you're doing classes, so blasts lots and lots of stuff. So, as I've been doing lately, we're gonna start with the lightning round. Are you cheated? You already heard somebody else's? Oh, definitely. I prepared a fair. Yeah, I wanna I want to be, you know, not too good care of myself taking care of that. Inner Child work, right. There's always now Okay, speaks about taking care of teenage Savelle in this situation. Okay. That is awesome. Because I didn't don't really, you know, I've been sober for a long time. And I don't know if I've actually already done inner child work. But I can't wait to hear about your perspective on that. Yeah. Good. Okay, we'll get into the inner child stuff. But let's do a lightning round questions. What's your favorite? What was your favorite recovery book when you first got sober? Yeah, I love that question. Because it brought me back to probably like 2010, I was at the grocery store. And I was, you know, I had my wine in my cart. And I remember looking, you know, how they have all those magazines, as you're checking out. I don't even remember which magazine, it was like a woman's day or one of those. And there was a title of an article that said, mommy doesn't drink here anymore. And I grabbed it and hit it and bought it, read the article, and then threw it away. But that was really the beginning of planting the seed for me that that was something I wanted to look at. And I remember in the magazine article, she said, You have to tell one person, and I thought to myself, no way. Not telling anybody. So then, I got sober in 2011. And I thought about her in that article. And I googled, mommy doesn't drink anymore. And it was a book. And so the, you know, the magazine article was probably four because of the book. And I Her name is Rachel brown now. And I ordered the book and read it. And that led me I'm not even exactly sure. But somehow that led me to the online group for well, and it took me to the bfb, which is the booze free Brigade, which was a private Yahoo, I think was Yahoo group. And that led me to a secret Facebook group and that was kind of like the beginning for me of that's where I met Don Nicole, that's where I met all the women that I still know today who are in my gratitude group and and just yeah, led me to she recovers and, and all of that. So that was that. That's the book that I you know, would say was like the most instrumental for me for planting the seed is mommy doesn't drink here anymore. Mommy doesn't drink anymore. That is amazing. Yeah. You mentioned on Nicole and she is the co founder of Shiva covers and I think they're one of their Facebook groups has a total of like 300,000 women on it. I mean, there's Yeah, the page the business page has at least 300,000 and then there she covers together private Facebook group is over 8000 right now. It really it really blew up over the with the pandemic of women, you know who who were looking for support or trying to get sober during during quarantine. Yeah, and we both facilitate meetings now I can say that after you helped me, coach me, it was so funny because when I did my first group, there were a couple of women who had actually been listening to the podcast for a couple of years. And it was so sweet. Were they were they knew you, they were probably super excited to meet you. And, yeah, that's such a great opportunity. We're volunteer hosts, because it is a nonprofit now, and that it's a beautiful way to kind of, you know, connect women. Yeah. Yeah. You know, they say that. alcoholism is a disease of isolation and connection is the cure. Right? I love that. Yeah. Okay. So that's a great, that's a lot of resources, where they're looking at us. So we got a book booth free brigade grew. she recovers page and group. So awesome. I love tons of resources. Do you have a regular self care practice? Is it like daily, weekly? How do you dress your self care? Yeah, I love that question, too. I'm gonna say that for everyone, I love all of your questions. I love that question too, because I really thought about it. And I would say everything down to breath. Probably breath is the one that I use the most. And so that's just like pausing mindfulness, take a deep breath in, hold it, exhale, I do throughout the day. So that would be I would say like the easiest and most simple one all the way to you know, weekend long retreats. that have been a way that personally I up up level, my recovery is by connecting with women in a weekend or week long retreats. So I've done several of those, but and then everything in between is, um, I do go to meetings to gatherings. I'm part of, like I said before, I'm actually have two gratitude groups. I love podcasts. So all of those are part of my self care in the way that I helps me stay connected. Getting out into nature, meditation, good sleep, nutrition. Yeah, just pausing. Like the whole self regulation thing. I feel like you know, once you let go the alcohol, you have to figure out a way to self regulate. So my self care is about self regulation. I love that. Yeah. So do you in the morning. Do you have like a little routine that you do like, like mine is prayer, meditation and journaling? Yeah, I mean, mine is usually a coffee. First thing coffee. My first coffee, yeah, coffee, and then absolutely like the, you know, beautiful music, I actually have the privilege of looking out at the ocean. I live in Miami, Florida. And so I look out and look at the color of the ocean. Any form of stretching or movement? Anytime I get outside, so yeah, I mean that, you know, and just connecting, I try to do my gratitude. I don't always but I try to do it in the mornings and, and just differencing with others. What a difference it makes to do it in the morning, right kind of sets the tone for the whole day days that I miss it. I totally feel it. That I was just gonna say that when I don't, then you know, I love this idea of like, you can start your day over at any time. You've heard that. And, and I do notice that if I haven't really been attentive, I've spent too much time scrolling too much time online. That I think okay, I really need to take a break right now and do some me time and reconnect. Yeah, something that about two o'clock in the afternoon. I'm like, I just need to like replenish in some way. I love the breathing the breath work stuff that you do. That's very helpful. Yeah. Let's, um, and what's one thing you wish you knew when you first got sober? I think that has to be the shame component. Like I wish I when I first got sober, I was so so ashamed. And so a lot of my stories about hiding, hiding when I drank and then hiding when I got into recovery. And I think like if I could go back to my younger 47 year old self, I would say you're going to be okay, and you can let go of the shame. This is not your fault. And you're beautiful and I love you. But there's so much shame and I think, you know, like that's kind of attached to what we're talking about the anonymity like for me, anonymity had less to do with a tradition and more to do with my shame. And so I think that that's kind of the part that I if I could go back to my younger stuff I would hug her and say you don't have to be ashamed. I love that. Yeah, I wrote down your okay. It's not your fault. Right? All these things that maybe we did that we're not so proud of were things that we did we listen, I've just believed that everybody is doing the best that they can. Right. Yeah, I believe that I know that today. Yeah, I did not know that in the beginning. Yeah. And we Yeah, you and I talked a little bit about anonymity before we started recording. And we'll definitely dig into that, because that's something I also had to wrestle with, as well. Especially launching a podcast for about four and a half years ago. It's uh, yeah, you definitely have to come to grips with that. What do you do for fun these days? So fun for me would be a bike ride with my adult children and a Friday night kind of mini dance party cooking together with my husband. That was like just hanging out with with my family and something really simple, like a bike ride. I love bike riding. Yeah. Cooking while your husband actually dance the cooking dance party. How's life? Ooh, from Spain, so he's, yeah, he actually does most of the cooking. He loves to cook. It's his love language. And he cooks for me every day. My husband My husband is does the majority of the cooking too. Although I will. I will confess that I am loving. I love YouTube. I learned how to make sushi this weekend. Oh, that's so fun. Yeah, it was super fun. So yeah, I love I love I do love cooking, do it. But right now he has more time than me. And our kids are grown. We have three children. And they're grown and they're gone. And he really loves cook. It relaxes him. And so we both love cooking, but that's really his love language. That is so nice to have. Yeah, likes to cook. Awesome. Well, thank you for playing along with the lightning round. So typically, what I do next is I would love to hear sort of your recovery story a little bit about what your family was like, and you know, maybe why you started drinking. And then what happened, that you decided that you wanted to stop if that was indeed I mean, at some point, I'm sure along the story, you decided you wanted to stop. So I would love to know how your journey went? Yeah, sure. Thanks for asking. So let's see, um, I was born in New Jersey, I'm the oldest of three girls. We lived there until I was in fifth grade. And the big kind of traumatic event that happened was when I was in second grade, my dad died. And he was young. He was 45 years old. And he died of heart failure. And he I do have a half brother and half sister from my dad's first marriage. But when we were in when 1975 when I was in fifth grade, my mom said, Hey, girls, do you want to move to California? And I was like, Yeah, let's go. She said there was this beautiful tunnel with a rainbow on it across the Golden Gate Bridge. And it sounded fun. And so we moved to California. And up until that point, I had been at a small school that had farm animals. And, you know, I was I had friends and it was a very kind of sheltered, simple childhood, in that sense. And when we moved to California, I went into a very big school and experienced bullying. So I mean, now I can trace it back to the fact that my dad died. And then the move and then the bullying like those are what would lift your your a score your adverse childhood experiences. And so I had one friend, and she's in sixth grade, and she moved away and I just I had a really hard time for about four years. So sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth grade, were pretty rough for me. And then in 10th, my mom could see that I was really struggling. And by 10th grade, she said, we're going to switch schools and you're going to go into a different school and on day one, I met a group of girlfriends and we instantly all hit it off and within a week or two had gone to my first keg party. So I put you know, hand in hand, I was maybe 14 or 15 by then I was a sophomore. I you know, for me just hand in hand went popularity, friends, alcohol, and it wasn't like my first drink. Like some people describe their very first drink as being so magical. I barely remember it. But I do remember it. Feeling like drinking meant I could be, I could connect and have friends and all that. And so everyone that I kind of hung out with and you knew, drank the way I drank. And it was very normalized. I mean, this is the 80s in California. And I kept drinking through high school, college, went to Spain met my husband, we met in a bar. And it was something I did not worry about. It wasn't I'm not one of those people that got sober really young, I now can look back and think, you know, I really liked alcohol, but I wouldn't say it was interfering with my life. And then we, we moved, my husband and I moved to California, and then we moved to Miami, we had three children. And my drinking started to increase in my 40s. And by that time, I was homeschooling my three kids. And I was trying my hardest to be the perfect mom. That's really like, My story is around perfectionism, worrying about what other people thought trying to do the best job ever taking, taking on too much staying too busy, and not really having any other way to self regulate, except for wine. And that was my thing was, you know, my glass of wine at the end of the day, which, you know, started to become more and more of a habit, then it became a daily, a daily habit, until I was 47. And I had stopped, I would stop drinking when I wanted to lose weight. So that's that, you know, for me, like not drinking meant calories and all of that stuff. And then I would get to a goal weight, and I would just bring it back in. And I started to notice that every time I brought it back in it, I would get right back to the amount that I was drinking before. And so I'm in February of 2011, I decided to stop drinking, but I didn't have a problem. So I didn't need to get help. You know, for me, it was like, You cut out chocolate, you cut out wine, you just you just do this, and you just you know was that whole like self will. And, um, that didn't work. Because four months later, you know, I didn't understand that I was you had been using alcohol to numb and regulate my feelings. So four months later, um, I picked it up again. And that took me very quickly to to July of 2011. When I literally from from one moment to the next I was like, Oh, I have a problem. So I wouldn't have like, identified myself as having a problem. I just had a problem with managing it. I thought if I can just keep all these fires burning, I can continue to do this thing. And luckily, that I mean, for me, you know, thank goodness, I, I woke up, I woke up and you know, I had a moment of clarity. And I realized I can't keep doing this. And so I reached out for help. And I stopped. That's it. So yeah, you into did you go through the traditional 12? I think I already have my answer to this 12 step. We're not going to say which one? Absolutely. I reached out to a family member and she took me to my first 12 which was wonderful. I remember it so well. And I got sober in Seattle. I was on vacation. I was on vacation at my mom's. And it was wonderful. I remember it was a very packed room. And I walked in and I was like deer in the headlights. I had thought I believe that I was totally alone in this. There was nobody like me. I was bad. And nobody else was as bad as I was. And I walked in and I was like all these people too. And I remember there was a little old lady, like across from me and she's knitting. And I thought she had a problem with alcohol too. And it just made me want to cry. Yeah. And then in that meeting, they have greeters in Seattle and the greeter when I can't gotten, you know, arrived, he greeted me and we said hello. And as I was leaving, because they asked us anybody on day one, I said I am and when I was leaving, he said just remember two things. Love yourself and no matter what Don't pick up the first strike, which I thought was just, you know, of course I've heard it since but it was so profound to me. And I was like, Okay, okay, I can do that. That's like a recipe card, you know, do these two things I can do that. things I can do. Right. And I thought to myself at the time, what does loving myself have to do with this? Oh, yeah, yeah, right. I know. It's like, what does that have to do with this? Okay, sure. Why? And I'm sure enough, two weeks later, I remember thinking to myself, Oh, maybe just one drink? And I'm like, Oh, no, no, that guy told me no matter what, don't make up the first one. And that's kept me sober since Oh, my gosh, that's amazing. Love yourself. And it's so funny, because a lot of the language and information doesn't seem to make sense at first. But after repeated exposure and some context, it all starts to make sense. We get a sense of what to apply where, and yeah, it's the simple truth. Love yourself, and don't pick up the first drink Bowser. Yeah, great. So you got a sponsor and did the whole the whole thing I did I did your sponsor? Oh, she walked up to me. Oh, isn't that nice? She walked up to me. What so my story is, is that when I came back to Miami, I did drive bys where I knew where the location was, but I was like, too busy. And really what it was, is I was so afraid of seeing somebody who I knew, I will comment Oh, wrapped up in my own kind of reputation and the shame that we talked about. And so I actually didn't go to two meetings for four months. And finally, I talked to another family member. And I was like, yeah, you know, I don't drink anymore. And she was like, how do you love the meetings? And I was like, Well, I don't really do those. And she's like, well, that's kind of part of it. And so I was like, okay, and, and so she say, Fine, a woman's meeting, they're gonna, you're there, they will love you, being a newcomer. They're just gonna love you. And I said, Okay, and so I knew where to go. And I went, and then I just started going, and then right away, like I said, that person walked up to me, and she was like, hey, do you want need a temporary sponsor? And I said, Yeah, and that was the beginning. And I, yeah, transformational is, is really, you know, everything. The way I look at it is nothing, not very much changed. On the outside. I don't want to say nothing. But really, from the outside, probably nobody noticed. You know, I had a lot of people tell me, I didn't even think you had a problem. And yeah, you know, and I just, I think I hit it really, really well. And from the outside, you would say, nothing's changed, everything changed. For me on the inside. I mean, I don't do not even, it's hard for me to remember what it felt like to be me before 40, you know, earlier and I, it's like, I feel like the way I like to describe is I get to live in a parallel universe. I completely right. Totally moved over to this whole other way of being where you connect, and you have deep conversations like you and I are having right now. For sure. It's it's just a different way of being and looking inside for like when things bother you looking at yourself and all the other things that I was never interested, I was never interested in any of those, you know, therapy or meditation or sitting quietly or that's so funny. So it sounds like you're just very high functioning. And, and I hear that a lot from people that are high functioning is that the the outside opinions of people that are high functioning? It's like, Oh, I don't think you have a problem. Did your husband ever tell you he was worried about your drinking? Yes. So I yeah, I wouldn't say I was high functioning. He definitely was like, Hey, you got to pull yourself together. But we didn't really understand any of this, you know, and my kids notice, but really, that was about it. I mean, maybe I don't know, I don't really know if other people noticed, you know, I thought of myself as a party girl. And I was I was very you know, I loved anything frenetic and hyper and pop, you know, like, that was the way I was coping was keeping really busy and being kind of hyperactive. And now I can see that's I was self medicating. Yeah, right. Did you experience a blood lockouts are like losing periods of time or did you get fired from jobs or DUIs or anything like that? No, no, no DUIs. I mean, I was a stay at home mom. So me to get fired from here. I didn't I didn't fire myself. Yeah, I was, you know, full time stay at home homeschooling mom. So, you know, no, no outer consequences no DUIs nothing like that. I would say towards the very and that's another book that I love, by the way is blackout. I think it's a hot pursuit papilla you're the second person to recommend that. That's a really good. Oh, really? That's a really I really enjoyed that book. And that's been interesting to me. I would say by the end. I haven't you didn't black out. What I was gonna say is by the end. Yeah. By the end, I had some brownouts. Definitely where I was, I would you know, by the very end, I was in conversations, and then afterwards, it would be, you know, chunks of time where I was not, you know, remembering it all the next day. All the time. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you Oh, yeah. Not even sober again. Right? I did. I got sober when I was 25. But I started drinking, probably when I was like, 10. Not I mean, I obviously didn't drink every day. But I started drinking super young and black started blacking out almost immediately. Oh, if you haven't read that book, then you'd be super interested because she really gets into kind of the biology because not everybody blacks out. I know. That's so crazy. I feel sorry for people who have to remember everything. Now I remember feeling like I remember when I first started drinking, I was like junior high, like on the weekends with friends. And I remember thinking, like, parts of the evening were like dreams. I was like, was that a dream? Or Did that really happen? That kind of thing. But I think the very first time I drank, I just remember, like, I did miss pieces of the evening. But yeah, that that was crazy. I started way too young. But yeah, definitely at the end, I had like no recollection of like entire evenings. Well, I mean, maybe that's what got you into recovery. So if you were if you were blacking out almost from the get go. I mean, you like you said from the very first time that you tried. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's so that's your brain constitution? I think. I mean, that's kind of what that book is about. It's super interesting. I'll check it out. Yeah. Okay. So I also am aware, and you don't have to answer this question if you don't want to, but I am aware that you had some trauma in your past and that stuff that you've been addressing lately, do you want to just share as much or as little about that? Yeah, I feel comfortable with? Yeah, um, you know, I just recently did a bubble hour interview, and I talked about it on there. And just to say that I do have part of, you know, my recovery is from sexual trauma. And that did happen in my childhood. Like I said, my dad died. And so this was with one of my mom's boyfriends. And the interesting thing about it is that, of course, I think maybe I was nine or 10. At the time, I, you know, you've nothing to compare it to. So you don't know. And I normalized it. And it kind of just got tucked away. And it wasn't something that I ever really even worried about, or thought about. I mean, early on. And when I first got sober and told my story, it wasn't part of my story. And it wasn't until the me to movement, that I, I revisited it, and I actually revisited with my mom. And she and I were both talking about our HDMI two stuff. And it kind of came forward then. And I took it to my therapist, and I was like, hey, but what was that about? And that was kind of the beginning of me really looking at it from a different angle. And so I have done the work around it. And now I guess I'm talking about it public. You know, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a very it's a difficult subject, you know, but it's very common. I also had sexual trauma when I was growing up, and for me, it defined who I was thought I was, right? It happened to me really young, and it was a repeated thing, but it happened to me. really young. It defined who I thought I was, it made me feel like I As a bad person, did you also wrestle with those things? Or you said you normalized it. So does that mean? You didn't feel bad about it? No, um, I felt like I. I dealt with it in the moment. And I did not, I don't know. But I don't feel like I felt bad about it. And I didn't actually even dislike the person, because he remained in our lives. I mean, he was around us, and he was a nice person. And so now, as an adult, I can say, I'm glad I was, I was kind of feisty, and I stood up for myself. And I'm glad that I did that. And yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't know, I don't know the extent of it, I do know that there are certain things that I've stored in my body. And this was where the inner child stuff comes in. Because if I can just tell you like how I even got interested in inner child work is really connected to this. Tell me about what inner child work means to you can maybe can define it a little bit and maybe share some practice. I mean, I think the way I look at it is your inner child is really the part of your mind your brain that was formed in childhood. So it's like your emotions, your beliefs, your stories, the things that scare you how you felt abandoned, that all formed in childhood, and how you are now interacting in the world, in your adult body. Based on those fears, and beliefs and stories that you might not even be aware of. So it could be subconscious, right? So, for example, one of mine is angry people scare me. So if I'm in a public place, and someone's yelling, I will feel really tense and like, become hyper alert. Um, I'm very hyper vigilant. And now I understand that that's stuff from my childhood. And so things like that, like interacting with the world today, with beliefs and fears that were started in childhood. That's kind of how I look at it. So really, going back and doing inner child work is really re parenting. That part of you that got scared. Okay, I love that re parenting the part of you that got scared or felt abandoned or, right. And the thing about doing it, the inner child work is that it's hard to see things like sometimes we have this idea that, you know, like abandonment has to be this big traumatic thing, right? I might it but it might not be a big dramatic thing. You know, some like some people say big t trauma, little t trauma. It might be just something like being scared going into kindergarten, or being worried when your mom went out, you know, in the evening and put lipstick on, I remember my mom putting on perfume and feeling like oh, no, she's gonna leave. Now. That's not, you know, a huge abandonment, but it's how I felt. So it's how it's kind of like the the ideas that were formed in childhood that you bring with you into adulthood. Okay. Yeah, I like the differentiation between little t trauma and big t trauma, because I feel like trauma is like on a scale, just like addiction is on a scale. It's like a spectrum. I should maybe I should say, a spectrum where Yeah, low grade, and then it. It can be, you know, did you feel abandonment, like when your father passed away, like, obviously, it wasn't his choice. But did you have to deal with feelings of abandonment from when your father died? Yeah, I mean, it was mostly just grief. Like, it's so much sadness, like, Oh, I don't get to. I didn't get to say goodbye. I don't get to see him again. And then, yeah, absolutely. My, I have great memories of my father. And, you know, one day he was gone, he died of a heart attack so sudden, and I was at the end of second grade. And it was a big loss. It was definitely a big loss. I missed him. I still do. Yeah, 57 I still do because really, you know, when you're a kid, you kind of just make do and it was just part of our reality, and our dad died. You know, that was part of our reality. But then when I met my husband, and on my wedding day, I was like, Oh, I wish you were here. When I had my children. I was like, Oh, I wish that they knew grandpa Gerard and I kind of kept him alive and for my for my kids by talking about him. But even the other day, I was thinking I really wish he was around, you know, yeah, he sounds like a cool guy. Yeah, he was amazing. Okay, so I want to transition a little bit to So now, I mean, so you've been gotten public with some very intimate information. And thank you so much for sharing that. Because, you know, that is part of normalizing, you know, things that happened to us, it's part of normalizing pain. And you and I had had a discussion before about anonymity because I was also got sober through 12 step programs, and anonymity is the foundation of, you know, the whole the whole thing. And while I get the need for privacy and anonymity, because like you, I was scared to death, that I would run into somebody I know, it didn't like, taught on me, that was not funny. But if they were there, they were they too, were also struggling. So funny. Didn't quite connect the dots. Right? Again, if they are in the same room, it's for the same reason for the same reasons. But I did. I did appreciate having that sort of shelter and protection of the anonymity. So I feel like there's a time and a place for it. But then again, in our broader society, there's it's still so shocking to me how stigmatized, mental health issues are, you know, like people like, Oh, don't I told the lady not too long ago, we were talking about the coming out process of when you're in recovery, or you don't drink or do drugs, or whatever. It's like, you pick and choose the timing of when you tell somebody and you share that information. I shared it with somebody recently. She gasped. She was like, Oh, really? I thought that was so funny. Yeah, really? I was like, ah, not you. Yeah, that's me. Yeah, I mean, we we're in such a different space now. Because we're in a place where we celebrate recovery. I mean, pretty much everyone I interact with, over. So it's, it's so you know, it just feels like so normal to me. Now. It's, it's, but it's absolutely. You know, the truth is, that it is stigmatized, and there is kind of shame. Still, I feel like it's rapid. And I really don't know why. The anonymity, you know why that was that way in the late 1930s, and 40s. Um, you know, I just, I don't really know the history of it. And I do feel like for reasons for mental health, that that there needs to be a coming out there needs to be lessening of the stigma. And it's going to only happen when we recover out loud. So you know, so part of the history is that there were two things that spurred on the anonymity from what I understand is that the people who were, you know, as funny is people used to get sober through letters, like they would No, I've heard Yes, not while Yeah, so it's like people now who are getting sober on zoom. You know, to me, I'm like, that's a step up from how they used to do it in the beginning, right? Imagine trying to, you know, process your feelings, and you write it in a letter and you send it in your way, like maybe a couple weeks before you get a response. That's so nuts. But in the beginning, these people what there were so few of them, that they had to be anonymous, because they were inundated with requests for health. There were there was like nothing out there. And there were just 1000s millions of people who are struggling. And then the other thing was, is that they were also anonymous, because they felt that it would limit their financial prospects. Like if it got out that they were a quote unquote, alcoholic, that they would not be employable. And so those two things are outdated, Reagan can totally get a job, if you are, you know, in recovery, and there are lots and lots of people available to help. So I feel like we really need as a community, we really need to revisit the whole idea of anonymity, because I'm with you, we need to recover out loud. That's how the information gets out there. Absolutely. Yeah. And I think each person gets to do it in their own way. But it shouldn't be that we can't talk about it or that if we do talk about it, we're so ashamed. And I think you know, like, like you said, like if you have to stay anonymous because you're afraid you're not going to be able to get a job or you'll be fired for your job. I think that There's still some of that around the people feel like that what, you know, we're worried about what other people think of us. And I, you know, when I likened it to, if I had anything else, any other kind of disease, you know, I don't know about the disease model or how you feel about that. But if I had anything else, and I was able to just let people know, I'll give you an example. Okay, so my daughter was a Girl Scout, and in the Girl Scout troop, um, oh, I think everybody else, all the other women were breast cancer survivors, and, you know, pink ribbon all the way and they talked about it openly. And I remember one time the topic of addiction came up, and someone said, Oh, my brother in law or money, you know, this type of thing. And I remember just staying quiet, and feeling maybe mad at myself that I didn't say anything, but also feeling like why didn't really have a place to sit, you know, like, and I thought to myself, where's my pink ribbon? You know, like, I want to be able to say, like, this is my story. This is what happened to me, this is, you know, this is so common. And I think there's also a connection with the legal system, you know, the sharing, you know, people being jailed versus getting actual help, you know, the system with rehabs and all of that. So I think by talking about it, I mean, I think this is the hope. And I know that this is what she recovers, saying, When you're ready, recover out loud, so that more money is put into research so that more conversations are happening so that more people can be helped. And it's, it's really across the board with all mental health. For more resources, visit: www.soberlifeschool.com

Hello Loves, Thank you for downloading the podcast, my name is Arlina, and I’ll be your host.  Today, my guest is Micha Z - Podcast host of “Bitch Slap - The Accelerated Path to Peace” and long-timer in recovery.  But before we jump into the episode, I just wanted to share some upcoming content plans I have for you. So here’s the deal: My mission in life, my life’s purpose, whatever you want to call it, is to help lead people out of suffering. I do it because 1) suffering is so unnecessary, and 2) it can be done. And 3) I’m selfish. When I am useful to someone who is ready to receive solution, it fills my heart with peace and joy. I’m not even kidding, it makes me feel like I’m living my purpose. Of course I have boundaries and balance out my energy with my own self-care, but this work is in alignment with purpose and afterall, we don’t ever have to do this life alone. I have a ton of recovery resources to share with you that I’ve found over the 27 years I’ve been sober, so what I’m going to do is publish some mini solo episodes. They will be solution oriented, and outcome specific. The idea is that all the information you need to achieve any goal in life is out on the interwebs for FREE, but the trick is applying the information. The trick is to identify the blocks that keep you from doing the things you know to do that will make your life better. The overarching theme of the content is “Get sober, stay sober, go deeper” I’ll be publishing on YouTube, Instagram and on the One Day at a Time Facebook page, the newsletter (which by the way, I’m terrible at but I’m getting help) and of course the podcast.  The other thing I want you to know is that I’m listening to you! I want to hear about your struggles and challenges so that I can focus on topics YOU care about. So if you want to reach out, all my contact info is at soberlifeschool.com or the podcast website at odaatchat.com And there ya have it! please enjoy this conversation with Mischa!

Hello Loves, Thank you for downloading the podcast, my name is Arlina, and I’ll be your host.  Today, my guest is Courtney Leonard, the talent behind the recovery blog “Sober in Santa Cruz”. She joins me today to share her story of how she got sober, some book recommendations, and her self-care practice that helps maintain her sobriety. Speaking of practices that will help you maintain your sobriety, I’m offering a live self-care practice at 8 am MST Monday-Friday. This will be part of a growing membership site where there will also be expert speakers, a facebook community, and a book club!  You can try it free by visiting Brainwashersclub.com. So there ya have it, please enjoy this conversation, with Courtney!  

Hello Loves, Thank you for downloading the podcast, my name is Arlina, and I’ll be your host.  Today, my guest is Brianne Davis. She is an Actor, author of “The Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict”, and all around beautiful soul. I’ve been talking to people in recovery for decades now, and I can tell right away when someone has done deep work. Brianne is definitely one of those people and I can’t wait for you to get to know her! Before we dive in, this episode is brought to you by Sober Life School. This is what I would consider to be a resource hub for people trying to get sober or who want to dive deeper and get the most out of life. If you’d like to find out what additional resources there are to help you get to the next level, just set up a free strategy call by visiting soberifeschool.com. To hear more episodes like this one, along with recommendations for books, meditations, and other recovery resources I discover on the interwebs, just visit odaatchat.com and subscribe to the weekly newsletter. So there ya have it, please enjoy this conversation, with Brianne!  

Hello Loves,   Thank you for downloading the podcast, my name is Arlina, and I’ll be your host.    Today, my guest is Dennis Berry, Author of “the funky brain” and the podcast with the same name. He is a Life Mastery Coach and has been working with people worldwide for over 15 years and he has been sober since April 8, 2003.   We talk a lot about different solutions and ideas that will hopefully help you on your recovery journey. I would love love love to hear what you found helpful, so shoot me an email at arlina@odaatchat.com or leave a comment on the one day at a time facebook page! (links to both on the website).     This episode is brought to you by Sober Life School. In case you didn’t know, I offer private coaching to focus on recovery, relationships and self-esteem. If you’d like to find out more about how I can help, you can set up a free strategy call by visiting: http://www.soberlifeschool.com   So there ya have it, please enjoy this wide ranging conversation, with Dennis!   Transcript:   Arlina Allen  0:09   Okay, well, Dennis, welcome back to the podcast.   Unknown Speaker  0:12   Thank you Arlina. My, my big young sister.   Arlina Allen  0:18   Sister. Yes, I mean, I'm tiny in stature. I'm only like 5'3", but yes, a big and personality.   Unknown Speaker  0:24   You are, I think we both have that   Arlina Allen  0:26   you are too. Yeah, definitely cut from the same cloth. I am excited to have you back because we're going to focus this time on lots of solutions. You are a recovery coach, Life Mastery school, per your logo up there in the corner. For those of you who are not watching this on YouTube, Dennis has a logo. So we're going to talk about we're gonna I'm gonna ask you the lightning round. And then we're going to give a recap on your story, because you were on before. And I will leave a link from your previous interview. But I enjoy talking to you so much. I'm so glad that you're you're back. But we're going to talk about some solutions in regards to maybe some of the things that might be holding you back if you haven't yet gotten sober. How is that?   Unknown Speaker  1:22   I love that. That's great.   Arlina Allen  1:24   Yeah, it'll be fun. I don't know fun. But yeah, let's do some fun because most of these podcasts are so heavy. You and I were kind of giggling before that. We need to infuse some fun into this too, right?   Unknown Speaker  1:36   I love fun. I'm I'm outgoing, fun person.   Arlina Allen  1:39   You are fun.   Unknown Speaker  1:40   I am like we are not a lot. Why me up? Let me go. I'll take it.   Arlina Allen  1:47   Well, that's what we'll do. And I am gonna ask you what you do for fun, but for as far as a lightning round questions go. When you first got sober. What was maybe like one of the most impactful books that you read?   Unknown Speaker  2:01   Hmm. Wow. That's a that's a loaded question. whitesville many were like the world was just opening up. I was just starting to understand life. So everything I read was like, wow, wow. Oh, my God, don't wait. So it was all like, really exciting and interesting. But, you know, I think like, the big book was exciting, because I was like, all the lights and stuff were going off. But, you know, the 12 and 12, the 12 steps. It really made things make a lot more sense. And so it was really informative to me. And outside of that of the, you know, a approved literature I really liked read and there was a book it was there is about it's called as a man thinketh   Arlina Allen  2:42   Oh, that's a good one. Victor. Is that Viktor Frankl?   Unknown Speaker  2:45   No, it's James Allen. I think James Allen. That's right. It was written in like 1902, like over 100 years ago, and almost 120 years ago. And it's a you know, a lot of that came out of that came like science of mine law of attraction, the secret and positive thinking and stuff like that. And it's like, what you think about you attract into your life. And that's really where a lot of that came from? And then you know what? That came from the Bible too. So I mean, all this stuff is millennials old. We didn't invent any of this shit. So yeah, no,   Arlina Allen  3:15   I mean, those ideas, not only the Bible, but it's in like all the ancient traditions. Yeah, right. Yeah, he's it. None of these ideas are new. But every generation sort of has like this free discovery. So yeah, as a man thinketh is an amazing book. And the bid book is sort of the nickname for the book called Alcoholics Anonymous for those who are new. And the 12 and 12. Did you know that the 12 and 12 was written after? was it? It was bill right, wrote that comment? Well, yeah,   Unknown Speaker  3:46   I'm sure a little ones like 1213 years later.   Arlina Allen  3:50   Wow. Yeah, he did it after a little silicided experiment.   Unknown Speaker  3:54   Yes. Yeah. And a few relapses, like he didn't hear Yeah, like everybody's like, Bill. Oh, he busted had like, 50 years of sobriety, I think, yeah, I only had like, I think teens.   Arlina Allen  4:06   I don't know, that will be a good thing to look up. Like, how long did he have money passed away? Yeah, our founding fathers wrote some interesting stuff. So those are really good books. Thank you for those. Do you have sort of a go to mantra or quote that you live by?   Unknown Speaker  4:26   Now you're throwing these at me? I wasn't prepared.   Arlina Allen  4:28   I just told you them.   Unknown Speaker  4:31   Three minutes ago, and then we talked about other stuff.   Arlina Allen  4:35   Okay, I'll do I'll help you. I'll help you out with Well, no.   Unknown Speaker  4:39   Oh, yeah. Well, you know, and I, yes, I there's one that I live by, and not live by, but it helps propel me. And that is, and it's an ancient, not ancient. It's a old philosopher, but he said all of man's problems and women come from our inability to sit quietly in a room. alone. And that's one of my favorites. because it reminds me that we're always out like doing something we have to always be going and doing and making money and buying things and talking to people. And we can't sit still. And stillness and mindfulness have really become, you know, an integral to my, which I think is one of the next questions coming up. integral to like my daily living, you know, sitting in stillness. You know, when I get overwhelmed and stressed out and full of fear, in my old solution was to go do something or drink something or smoke something or go scroll or make a strong sense phone calls for no reason. Hey, what are you doing? I don't know. What are you doing? Oh, I'm sitting in traffic. Oh, what? Like, those are just avoiding what's going on in your life? So sometimes the answer is just to sit still. So I love   Unknown Speaker  5:49   that quote, hard.   Unknown Speaker  5:51   It is hard. Yeah. Yeah. Cuz it goes against our nature.   Arlina Allen  5:54   Oh, for sure. No, I mean, I grew up. I'm an achievement junkie. Like I'm an you know, like home and my my inner default is that Home Depot. More doing?   Unknown Speaker  6:08   Yeah, go buy something and build something and do something.   Arlina Allen  6:13   And listen, man, truth be told, there's nothing wrong with that. But my knee jerk is to distract. And in my mind, the purpose of obsession is distraction. Right. It's like, but what are we distracting from? And for me, that's why sitting is so hard. But yes, you're right. What a great reminder. You know, that's a great saying, I don't know if that's a quote Exactly. But I love that idea. That that reminder of we need to, you know, be still and know that Oh, God.   Unknown Speaker  6:41   Yeah, there are great quotes that I can't because I'm on the spot. I can usually spit out all kinds of quotes, but because I'm on the spot, I'm like, No, but I want that deer   Arlina Allen  6:51   in the headlight. I love that. Yeah. Um, no worries. If you think of something brilliant that you want to share, you just feel free to interrupt me and we'll include that. Okay. Okay. Do you have a regular recovery routine or self care practice?   Unknown Speaker  7:07   Absolutely. Yeah. And you know, I am, its body, mind. And spirit is like my, and that could be like the quote, you know, body, mind and spirit, I have to always be working on those three, it's really hard to have all three in perfect alignment all the time. But I work on that all the time. And when I wake up in the morning, I, you know, we have a choice of how we want our day to go. So I can wake up and look at the news and watch politics and get stressed out and worried that that's the way my day goes. But the way I wake up is I wake up and I read something productive. That's going to set my mind in the right direction. And I meditate, and I drink lots of water. And I exercise. And then I you know, I look at my calendar afterwards, with clear direction. And that's the way my day goes. So if I wake up with a clear mind moving in the right direction, then my day goes in the right direction. So yeah, I stick to that. That's pretty much the way I roll and I have my whole life is like a life of service. That's why I do what I do.   Arlina Allen  8:08   Yeah. And stop messing around with that on your desk.   Unknown Speaker  8:12   I don't know what you're doing. Oh.   Unknown Speaker  8:14   Did I make   Arlina Allen  8:16   a podcast or you want to know better?   Unknown Speaker  8:17   I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.   Unknown Speaker  8:20   Just dizzy. You know, I   Unknown Speaker  8:22   know. It's my nail clippers because I have a hangnail.   Arlina Allen  8:25   Oh, dear. Well, I'm so sorry to hear about that. Yeah. Okay, so read something positive meditate water, exercise calendar. And you do like, I know you're in good shape. You exercise a lot. And can you share with me your meditation practice? Because I think a lot of people are really confused about what meditation is, especially early in recovery. What I hear from people is that I can't meditate. But maybe you can just kind of break break down what meditation really is.   Unknown Speaker  8:57   Absolutely. So there's a You're right, there's a common misconception that you have to be like in a sit in in robes sitting in the Himalayas, in a cave, somewhere, have zero box, yes, to meditate. And that's not true at all. You can meditate on the toilet, you can meditate at a red light. You know, the idea is stillness and mindfulness. When I'm still and mindful. The answers can come in, you know, there's room, there's space in my head for the answers to come in. Like if I'm listening to loud music, or jumping into, you know, Facebook, or whatever it is what I'm doing, you know, I'm probably thinking about my problems and the music that's on. But if I could sit in silence, you know, I'm going to think about my problems. But there's space for the solutions and the answers to come in. So when I meditate, it's almost always in silence. Nowadays, I used to do a lot of guided meditation and with my clients, I'm like, you know what, if you really can't sell for more than five minutes, let's pull up let's do like a progressive muscle relaxation or a body scan or other something else like humans. by the waves crashing on the beach or raindrops or birds chirping. Just make a start somewhere. And then eventually I want to move into silence where that's where I calm down. And, you know if i 20 for me, 20 is the magic number,   Unknown Speaker  10:15   right? In my notes.   Unknown Speaker  10:16   Yeah, if I meditate for five or 10 minutes, it definitely slows things down, and I feel okay. But if I can hit 2025, for some reason, when I open my eyes afterwards, 20 plus minute meditation, all my senses are heightened, I could see better hear better, I could feel better, my touches better everything. So really, for me, it's stillness. And, you know, there's a bunch of different techniques that we could talk about, probably another time, but, you know, really focusing on your breathing and focusing on being present.   Arlina Allen  10:49   Focus on breathing and being present. Yeah, I hear a lot of times when people say I can't meditate, what they're saying is that I can't clear my mind a thought, is usually what ends up coming out. And so my, my response to that is usually, that is not the goal. The goal isn't to clear my head to not have any thoughts. I mean, your brains job is to think so for me, like what you said about just focusing on your breath. And then once you catch your mind thinking, you just notice it, and then gently, gently bring it back to the present moment. Because, you know, even now, sometimes I go back, I'm not I'm thinking again, you know, but it's like, No, no, this there doesn't have to be any hostility about notice. Notice what I'm thinking, it's just like, oh, bring it back to the breath. And if I my mind strays, 1000 times, I just bring it back. 1000 times, that's all.   Unknown Speaker  11:50   Yes. I mean, can I share? Here's a great quote, actually, if you want to use this as the quote, okay. And that is the idea of meditation. It's not to control your mind. It's to not let your mind control you. Oh, that's a good one.   Arlina Allen  12:07   Yeah, like your mind. And that is the thing, right? Like, Holy moly, the whole thing about addiction is that your mind is in control?   Unknown Speaker  12:17   Yes, we have on average, 60 to 80,000 thoughts every day. If those are all awesome, useful, productive thoughts? How great would that be, but most of them are, like useless or harmful thinking. So if we cannot let those take over our lives and drive our our daily activities, then we have a better chance of hitting our goals of being successful, healthy, happy, and overcoming our addictions? Absolutely. Yeah, there   Arlina Allen  12:43   is a National Science Foundation, said 60, that we have 60 to 80 thought 1000 thoughts per day, 85% of those thoughts are negative. And 95% of those thoughts are the same as the day before. Isn't that interesting? So we are actually and then we make decisions and take actions based on those thoughts. And then we are basically in a loop. So we're literally living in the residual of all of yesterday's decisions and thoughts and actions, right? So it's grown on day. So if you, if you find yourself asking, How did I get here? Again? It's all based on thoughts. So I love the process that you offer for meditation, because that's where the change can happen.   Unknown Speaker  13:32   Yeah, and there needs to be changed. Like, you know, like, one of the bumper sticker things we hear all the time is like, nothing changes, if nothing changes. So if I'm stuck in that loop every day, and I'm wondering, why am I hitting my financial goals, and my relationship continues to suck and why I can't get sober. 30 pounds, I'm can't get sober. Because I'm stuck in that loop. So great point. Wow, wow, we're really solving a lot of the world's stuff. And it's only been five   Arlina Allen  14:00   years or so. Right? Gosh, and we haven't even gotten to be this is one of my favorite questions. What would you tell younger dentists? What would you what's the one thing you wish you knew when you first got sober?   Unknown Speaker  14:14   I would have to say,   Unknown Speaker  14:17   ask for help.   Unknown Speaker  14:20   You know, we're taught that asking for help is a sign of weakness, but it's not. It's actually a sign of strength, you know, reaching out saying and, you know, with humility being like, you know, I don't understand this. I can't figure this out on my own, otherwise, I would have by now, right? And so reaching out to somebody who is on the other side of the addiction, or just is doing better in life, or whatever you define is better or just somebody that has something you want is how we used to say in tough stuff, and it's like, reach out and be like, hey, how did you get there? You know, I can't figure this out. Can you maybe you can guide me through this. Because I was by myself, I'm stuck with my 80,000 thoughts from yesterday that are negative, and I can't figure it out. So ask for help. That's my big one.   Arlina Allen  15:10   I love that. I love what you said about if I could have done it. If I could have done it already, I would have. Yeah. Yeah, ask for help. It is a sign of strength. Our society, you know, sees that as weakness, but it takes a lot of courage to be able ask for help. And the thing is, there's so many people who are willing to give it. Everybody loves giving free advice. Are you kidding me?   Unknown Speaker  15:35   They just don't follow their own advice. They just give it up.   Arlina Allen  15:38   Yeah, give it up smooth. Yeah, but   Unknown Speaker  15:40   you know what, like, one of the things I tell my clients all the time, too, is like, yes, we want to ask for help. But we also want to learn, we want to become independent, too. And we want to learn things on our own too. So I can't just sit here, if we're in a session and give you all the answers, I want you to figure some stuff out, too. So you know, if you're stuck, I can't figure this out. definitely ask for help, and then start googling stuff. Google has the answers to pretty much anything in the world. So I can't figure this out. Like what store? Should I go by this? How can I meditate? Okay, just Google it.   Arlina Allen  16:15   here's, here's the problem. A lack of information is not the issue. It's applying it. And I think that's why it's so important to have somebody like you in life, right for the fellows, you know, I still sort of kind of, I know, I know, you help a lot, a lot of the men, you know, apply the information. It's about applying. So you're all about the action and applying the information. The information is all out there. But we don't do it for a reason. Right? And we'll talk about that later. I do want to ask you about your recovery journey. But we're going to talk in this episode about how to uncover and identify some limiting beliefs. And they prevent us from applying that information. So I guess that's like a teaser? I don't know. I don't usually do that. But I need to know what you do for fun these days. Because we are not a glum lot. We like having fun. What do you do for fun these days?   Unknown Speaker  17:14   Well, I'm in the process of moving to the beach, and the beach is my happy place. So right now is a kind of a strange time in my life. But it's good because I can handle it because I'm sober. And I and I actively live a life of sobriety and self improvement so I can handle it. And I'm doing all this while working and I'm selling everything I own. I'm moving to a minimalist lifestyle. It's quite interesting to find all the stuff that I used to have that I I can't say I've never been a very materialistic person. But the stuff that I had that I thought made me happy. And you know, some of it definitely imparts some joy or whatever I don't like. The example I'm going to give right now is like, last week, this woman came and picked up my whole living room set. And I had a cool little living room. It was like a beautiful, yeah, I remember. Yeah. And she took it away. And I was like, and it was like, empty, and there was like, echoes again. And I was like, Oh, my God, and I set up my folding chairs in my living room. And I'm like, I love this. It was free. It was empty. There's elbow room. And there's a space to walk through the whole living room. And I was like, I love it. And my whole house is emptying out. So I love that. And so at the end in the next like, four to six weeks, all I'm gonna have left is my four suitcases that I'm bringing to Mexico. So for fun right now. I mean, I always for me, fun is the beach. But I exercise a lot. And I swim a lot I walk a lot jog, I would say running except them. I call it middle age running, which is really like a fast walk or jog sometimes. And I like lifting weights and I you know, that gives me energy. And I like eating well and drinking lots of water. These things that used to be such a chore that people are like, you should do this and you'll feel better and stuff. They've become the way that I live now. So I enjoy that.   Arlina Allen  19:13   I hate that word should because yeah, without knowing it, it actually creates resistance.   Unknown Speaker  19:19   Mm hmm.   Arlina Allen  19:20   Man eliminate that shit out of your life. Don't ever say Should I here's, here's what I found is that when you give someone permission to keep doing the bad behavior, they make the choice themselves to do something better.   Unknown Speaker  19:34   Yeah, we're resilient by nature. Yeah, yeah. If you tell me I usually do. Like when I was drunk, you know, years ago, I would sit on the barstool. And I would say you should do this and you should do that. And they would all look at me like, well, your life kind of sucks. So if I do what you're telling me I should do I'm gonna end up like you. I don't do that anymore.   Arlina Allen  19:54   Yeah. As I say, not as I do. That's like the worst parenting. Approach ever Sure, we learn by example. Okay, so that I love that minimal lifestyle moving to Mexico to live by the beach. I mean that you're talking about, like spending time in nature and that is so like rejuvenating. Yeah, just getting return to nature. It's, um, okay, so how about you tell me I'm so curious. Always. And I don't know that I read, I hear a lot of stories about people's sort of like turning points. It's like, okay, it's like we develop these addictions. I know, you had a pretty crazy story. You don't have to rehash the whole thing. But, you know, maybe a little bit about what it was like. But I'm really so curious about what was the pivotal moment for you when you decided to quit drinking, because it's the decision that really fascinates me.   Unknown Speaker  20:55   Yeah, great point. That was the 32nd version. I was a crazy maniac, ski racer party ski bum chef guy for 10 years. And that was up in northeast Vermont. And then I moved out here to Colorado 21 years, 22 years ago now. And, and I kind of kept it going, but I stopped skiing. So then I was living in suburbia, living that lazy drunken lifestyle. And then I started eating fast food and stuff, and I stopped skiing. So I didn't have the activity. So I put on a bunch of weight. And I was just like, the fat drunken dude, who you see now is not the man that I once was. And   Arlina Allen  21:34   you're Mr. Fit now. Yeah.   Unknown Speaker  21:36   And that also, that all came to a head. And in 2003, I lost the job I was proud of, and I, my I spent all the money use all the resources in my life. We're all spent, I couldn't turn to family or anybody anymore for money or help or anything. And that was my pivotal moment. And I ended up in a 30 day rehab center, and I just kind of latched on it's funny, I was just doing a podcast with somebody else a couple hours ago. And they asked a similar question. But you know, I got there, and they're, you know, in rehab, you can go and there's a lot of people that are like bouncing in and out of rehabs and that are there for the wife or the husband or the the law or their job or whatever. But I was there because I needed to change. Like I, I remember there was a group, there was a small group, like the rehab I was in it was like 50 people. So we had like these big meetings with with everybody. And then they had a small group where there was like six or seven of us. And people were going around the room that were there longer than me. And it was only like my first or second day. And it came out they were and they were talking about different things in their lives. And they came to me and I just started crying. And I said, I can't stop drinking. Like people were talking about resentment and fear, and insecurities and heartache and financial problems, like all this stuff. And I was like, I didn't know, those were the reasons I couldn't stop drinking that I needed to work on life. But I just started crying. I can't stop drinking. And I don't know what to do. And this is sad to say. So if you're listening and you can't stop drinking, I understand. And I know Arlina does, too. And that's the hardest. The hardest thing you know, we look at people on the outside. This is why I think it's important to work with people who know what it's like to be drunk and not be able to stop. It's like, I can look at you, you could tell me your story. And there's nothing that we haven't heard before, or done before. And you could tell me that story. And to you it's like the biggest thing in the world. And to me, I'm like, Oh, yeah, I've heard that before. We're gonna get through it. It's okay. You know, because I've done that. And so I latched on to people that that were doing the work that we call now. And they were they were praying and meditating, talking to people writing things down reading exercise, they do it all the things you asked me what do I do? Not much has changed in the last 18 years. You know, I   Arlina Allen  24:07   everything   Unknown Speaker  24:08   except everything. And I just do it at a deeper level. Now, you know, they say, you know, like, when people talk about diets, and they're like, well, I tried that diet, it didn't work. But it did work. You go on the diet, you do what it says you stop eating crap, and then you exercise more, you lose 20 pounds. So you start eating cheesecake again, and you get fat again, and you're like, well, what happened? I tried that diet. It didn't work, but it did you stop doing the things that it told you to do. So it's the same as sobriety. It's like you come in, life's falling apart. We're like here, why don't you try this and you're like, Okay, I'm hurting, I'm gonna do that. And then a month later, or a week later, or whatever, you stop doing that stuff because you stopped drinking, but we haven't changed anything else. So a week later or a month later, we stopped drinking and we stopped doing the things that helped us stop drinking. And then we end up drinking because we don't know how to handle life. That's the real problem like thinking, we haven't changed our thinking. We haven't worked on the real reasons why we drink. So once we start doing that, then we can handle life as it comes at us. Because it continues to come at you. It's what's our reaction to it, when that happens?   Arlina Allen  25:21   Absolutely. And we have evidence that other people are experiencing those same circumstances, and they don't drink. So what's the difference? Right, and, and it feels to me like it's the practice that you described that self care practice that that helps us cope and do the emotion management stuff.   Unknown Speaker  25:44   But I think you said a big word there,   Unknown Speaker  25:46   the emotion management, I love that emotional sobriety that we talked about. That's really the goal. You know, this isn't a not drinking contests, it's about growing up and looking at the world in the eye, and living a life of integrity and honesty, and helping people.   Arlina Allen  26:01   Thank you for saying that. It's not a not whatever you said, um, but not not not drinking content. funny, because we do give accolades to people who don't drink for long periods of time. But it's been my experience that those people can be as batshit crazy or sick as people who are continuing to drink. So this is not a not drinking contest. It's about personal evolution, because we are always evolving. So we're either evolving or devolving   Unknown Speaker  26:37   sounds   Arlina Allen  26:38   like a muscle, it's like you, you know, you you stay in shape, because you continue to exercise, right? And so you're, in my mind, like sobriety is like that, too. Like, my brain has this default. And I have to exercise it to get out of that default. And when I stop exercising, I go back to default. Absolute.   Unknown Speaker  26:57   Yeah, I was taught we always want to be pushing uphill, right. And if we're not pushing uphill, we're sliding downhill. There's no planing out. There's no like hanging out, because, but the differences and people think that pushing uphill means struggling, it doesn't have to mean struggle. It just means trying to be better than I was yesterday.   Unknown Speaker  27:16   Yeah.   Unknown Speaker  27:17   That's already yesterday.   Unknown Speaker  27:18   So what did I do yesterday? That worked? Let's do more of that. And let's try to keep going. What did I do that didn't work? Let's stop doing that. Let's try to become better. That's all.   Arlina Allen  27:29   Yeah. And I think that's so important. You know, this is why it's so important to have like a mentor, like a sponsor, or a coach or something to help you sort of stay in balance, because I mean, recovery seems to be full of paradoxes, right? It's like, we have to do all this work. But then we have to, you know, stay in peace, and we have another day, then we have to do growing pains. And it's the whole thing. So it's nice to have somebody but it is just what like my whole thing is one day at a time. Right, which we just have to do today. You know, and it's nice to have friends and an environment, you know, set up to support that. So,   Unknown Speaker  28:06   yes, well, I know why you need a coat. I know why you need a coat. Because we all do.   Unknown Speaker  28:12   I know I have one. Isn't that great? Like coach, I   Arlina Allen  28:15   have a sponsor, I have their bus.   Unknown Speaker  28:18   Yes. So I was taught and I'm sure if we talked about this before, but it's like I was taught have an expert in every area of your life. So I'm not a doctor, if I get sick, I need to go to the doctor. If I have to go to court, I need a lawyer. If I hate doing taxes, I hate it hate it. So I needed an accountant every year to help me do that. And apparently I can't get sober on my own. And apparently I have a hard time achieving all my goals on my own. So let's get back to what we said 10 minutes ago. Ask for help somebody who's not emotionally attached to my shirt who can see it from out here instead of me going oh my god, this is how my life's go and say well what if we just look at it from here instead? Oh, wow, I didn't think of that. Your first thought because you're emotionally attached right now to your crap and you you can't see through it   Arlina Allen  29:09   can't see that. Yeah, I always say that like emotion colors my perspective I can't see clearly and, and I do I do need somebody who's objective. Are you gonna write that down?   Unknown Speaker  29:20   Yes. Your   Arlina Allen  29:23   emotion colors my perspective? Yeah, I can't see clearly. I mean, rose colored glasses, right? That's beautiful, positive thing, but I don't know if that's positive all the time.   Unknown Speaker  29:36   I'm gonna have to write Arlina Allen underneath.   Arlina Allen  29:39   I'm full of it.   Unknown Speaker  29:40   give you all the credit your fault for something, follow them all kinds of things. Yeah,   Arlina Allen  29:46   I'm an obsessive learner. Sorry, try to fill fill this look good things. But no, I love that idea of having an expert in every area of your life, which includes like sobriety, you know, goal achievement. All that stuff, I love it. But this is actually a good segue into, you know, maybe let's just start at the beginning. Like if you're struggling to quit drinking, you know, maybe we can start to talk a little bit about what are some of the beliefs that may be the negative limiting beliefs that we have about quitting drinking, a lot of people are afraid to quit drinking, pick a date or that they're going to start stopping. My son says A is for quitters. I think that's hilarious. But some people are really afraid. It's, it's really there's a lot of socializing that happens with alcohol present, there's, you know, you know, some people that I talked to you, they're like, everybody I know, drinks. And I'm like, guess what? Nobody that I know, drinks? Hardly anybody?   Unknown Speaker  30:55   It's not. So I did. Well, maybe you did   Arlina Allen  31:01   seem crazy. But it's like, No, we choose people. We choose people to be in our life. You know, there's that saying that if you ordered a shit sandwich, chances are you ordered it. Like we choose the shitty people. And it's not funny. It's not a I didn't say it. But um, so socializing is probably a big area. And then I thought maybe we would also sort of dive into a little bit of what of your partner's still drinking and you want to quit? Those are a couple of tricky ones. So how, what do you what do you see as some of the limiting beliefs around, you know, not drinking as a, as it relates to socializing.   Unknown Speaker  31:44   This is great limiting beliefs, beliefs, and behaviors, those harmful beliefs and behaviors that we've had, in most cases for decades. You know,   Unknown Speaker  31:53   what's up,   Arlina Allen  31:54   unexamined beliefs,   Unknown Speaker  31:56   unexamined? And, you know, maybe we saw dad yelling at mom, or hitting mom, or maybe we saw something that our friends that years, maybe were five years old, and we're like, I don't know how to handle that. But I find a way through it. And then I carry that behavior, whether it's healthy or not into my whole life, right? That behavior and those beliefs into my whole life, I'm not good enough, I'm not worth it. Although I'm funny enough, smart enough, good looking enough. And we carry those all the way through. And then in my case, like, I had those when I was five years old, then I start drinking when I'm 15. And that took away some of that pain, and then I was, then I was good enough, and I could talk and then I could dance better, and all that stuff. But I never really learned how to cope with those in a healthy way. So a lot of people fail in sobriety because they fail to work through these limiting beliefs. So this is a great, great topic. Because when I start with new clients, the first thing we do is we talk about our beliefs about ourselves, and like about our body, about our relationships, or family and sexual romantic relationships, our career, our finances, and our spiritual life, like those pretty much cover life, those areas right there. And let's find all of the limiting beliefs in all those areas, write them down, and then let's start chipping away at those. Because without, like, if we're just thinking about it with our other 80,000 harmful thoughts every day, that we're never going to find a solution. So we would need to like work through those. And when we write them down, I take my thoughts, which are running all over the place, my funky brain, and now I put them on paper. And now I have something to work on something tangible, that I can take action on and say, Wow, I I believe this. Well, that's a bunch of bullshit. Well, so I can get rid of that one quick. But this one, this goes deep. How can I work on, like debunking that harmful belief? Well, is it really true how let's look at areas in our life where that's actually bullshit. So I actually have a technical term, it's called bullshit stories we tell ourselves, it's, it's a clinical term, bullshit stories. So we look at those things and be like, I'm not good enough well, or are successful, or whatever it is, say, well, let's see, you've you've had this job, you're making six figures, you're fairly healthy, you have a relationship with your wife or your husband. So that we just proved that wrong. So there's ways to go about doing this and look at the things that we believe and then debunk those bullshit stories that we're telling ourselves,   Arlina Allen  34:36   get somebody to, is there a process for that? Like, like, you know, I, you know, I do a class and the way we sort of do it is what is it that you want, and why don't you have it and the Why don't you have it as the BS story that you're telling yourself? Do you have a process for that? Or is it more sort of like you talk it through how do you get how do you how people identify their story.   Unknown Speaker  35:04   Well, I mean, like, kinda like I just said, Well, these areas like that's a specific exercise, how I start with a lot of the reason, remember the drinking and the drugs and the food and the porn and the shopping and the Netflix, the scrolling, like all that talking   Arlina Allen  35:21   about Netflix, that's not a problem.   Unknown Speaker  35:26   I need my Netflix   Unknown Speaker  35:28   for me. Right.   Unknown Speaker  35:30   But those things like those aren't the problem. That's what I'm using to cope with the real problem, which is your actions? Yes. Those are distractions. Even the drinking now the drinking is twofold problem because, you know, that gets into those physical things. And, you know,   Arlina Allen  35:47   that's a physical addiction as opposed to a process addiction.   Unknown Speaker  35:50   Well, I mean, that it is an addiction, and but it is still just a distraction. At the end of the day. Yes, you know, and then we have to watch for cross addictions, like I quit drinking, but I'm going to smoke weed, or I'll quit smoking weed, but I'm going to eat a pizza every day. And I'm going to quit eating pizza belly to pound a chocolate every day, but but I'm going to get keeps smoke cigarettes are   Arlina Allen  36:13   all distraction,   Unknown Speaker  36:14   all distractions from feeling and from dealing with our limiting beliefs.   Arlina Allen  36:18   Whether Okay,   Unknown Speaker  36:19   yeah, so when we identify those, okay, write them down. Now we can work write them say, Alright, well, this has been going on my life for 30 years. So it's probably going to take a little bit of time. But let's, let's create some new healthy habits, some new ways of doing things that are going to help me become successful. And then we want to define some goals. So okay, let's say that, let's say, Alright, here's how I believe about my body. And this is how my health is. And but I want it to be like this. Now we have a goal. And this is how my finances are. But this is how I want my finances to be. Now we have a goal. So when we, we say, these are my beliefs about myself and all those areas. And then there's where I want to go, and then let's work on one at a time. Because not all of them. Because this is another reason people get overwhelmed. And then they do things like drink, because New Year's resolutions. Well, every new year, I'm going to write a book, lose 20 pounds, fix my relationship, make a million dollars and do all this stuff. And two weeks later, you're like, Oh, my God, I can't handle this. So I start drinking again and eat chocolate and and the next New Year's, it's the same five new year's resolution   Unknown Speaker  37:31   vicious.   Unknown Speaker  37:32   So what we need to do is focus on one goal, the one that's going to change your life the most probably the one that you've been putting off for 10 years, right. And then let's create specific steps to get that goal done at a high level. And then you don't need to drink. Like you start feeling building confidence. And you start feeling good about yourself. And you walk out into the row with your chin up and look in the world in the eye. And that's when we want to do and there's no space then for drinking or getting stoned or whatever your harmful behavior is.   Arlina Allen  38:01   Right now. That's beautiful. I love that. Um, talk to me a little bit, how would you help somebody who has problems? quitting drinking? Because their partner still drinks? How do you address that? That's a tough one. Right? Well, yeah, I   Unknown Speaker  38:19   mean, that that has layers. So it depends. Is the other person an alcoholic? Are they just drinking socially and don't want to quit? Do you have the hard talk with them? Maybe they will stop with you, you know. So? I mean, there's a lot of different ways to approach it, is it? Is it causing you to have cravings and causing you to relapse, then, then maybe we need to talk about boundaries. Maybe we say if you can't stop drinking, then I'm gonna have to leave for a little while or indefinite or whatever. Because you have to take care of you remember, self love, self care, self respect, and having people around that are going to continue to cause me to cause damage to my own health and well being. That's not self love. That's not self care and self respect. So, you know, these are the hard things to do. And this is why it's important to have somebody in your life because it's not easy to say to your husband or wife. If you can't stop drinking, I am going to leave. So you have to leave, or you have to leave Yeah, something like that. Because that those are the hard talks, but it's a paradise. The most successful relationships in the world are two independent people, not codependent people who have the hard talks and do the hard things. And they get through those things.   Arlina Allen  39:38   Yeah, no, that's really good. Is it there it is. It is multifaceted and every it seems like every situation is different. And that is why it's important to have like an objective third party to help process through all these there's so many questions, right but you I feel like hit the nail on the head by saying that You know, the self care and the self love has to come first. And what you're really talking about is priorities. Like, if you're when you're quitting drinking, sobriety has to be your number one priority before your kids before your husband before your job, which, you know, strikes at the heart of fear of some people, because their financial security, you know, emotional security, personal security, you know, is tied to relationships and jobs and things like that, but, but if you are really struggling with alcohol, then it is gonna cost you everything that it is that you say is important to you.   Unknown Speaker  40:44   Yeah, you know, that self love, self care and self respect people. There's a another misconception. And that is, if I'm doing those things, I'm being selfish. And there's a difference between being selfish and taking care of yourself. And it's kind of like, you know, this is a, maybe you people have heard this before, but it's like, you know, when the oxygen comes down in the airplane, I need to put it over my face my nose first, because if I'm not breathing, I can't help anybody else. So it's the same thing with everything, I need to take care of me if my health is failing, because I can't stop drinking, that I need to start taking care of my health. And if somebody is in the way of that, then we have to stop the amount of time or reduce the amount of time that I spend with them. Because I need to take care of me.   Unknown Speaker  41:31   Yeah,   Unknown Speaker  41:32   yeah. And that gets lost that well. And that's something we have to build in sobriety is, we have to take some of the shame and the guilt away, which is why we talk about those things. And, and be become humble. And but take care of yourself.   Unknown Speaker  41:47   And yeah, that means   Unknown Speaker  41:49   diet, exercise, meditation, reading, things that are going to be productive. You know, when I was drinking, I didn't do any of those things. There wasn't any space for that. So I need to add healthy habits into my life that are gonna distract me from the distraction of drinking.   Arlina Allen  42:07   You said something that really caught my attention, take away guilt and shame. Because I feel like the guilt and shame is what prevents us from the self love and making ourselves a priority. And we tie so much guilt and shame to alcoholism or addiction. Because we do shitty things when we're drunk or higher. In our loss and our addiction. When we're lost in our addiction, we behaved badly. And we ended so we have evidence that says I'm a shitty person. So maybe that's a negative limiting belief, right? That this guilt and shame is your identity. Right? And it's important to separate Don't you find that it's important to separate that? guilt and shame? How do you help people take that away?   Unknown Speaker  43:00   Well, yeah, all the all of the the regret. or worrying about what I've done in the past, all the guilt and the shame can change one moment of the past. So we really need to learn to let that fee in the past, and now and we need to forgive ourselves. And you know, in the 12 step program, it's the fourth step. It's about like going in and finding your, your, you know, where your resentments where your fears are all those things, and then moving all through the work and you get up to where you go make amends to people and then putting the past in the past. That's the idea of all that. Yeah,   Unknown Speaker  43:42   that's a great process.   Unknown Speaker  43:44   It's an incredible process. Yes. And then I we go even further, it's like continuing the growth, but it's important. And an important amends to make apology to me, whatever you want to call it is to yourself, there needs to we need to forgive ourselves. And one of the one of the processes I do is I have a four step forgiveness process where we work through and the first part is, is getting all the anger out, because you can't be angry, resentful, and love at the same time. Right? So we need anger out. And this comes in the form of letters. So I write letters to my parents, my ex my friends have screwed me over the president, all these people like that we hate and we're mad at. So we write letters, saying, you know, I hate you, I can't believe you did this. Fuck you, you screwed my life up, blah, blah, blah. We got to get all that anger out. And that process could take. I have one woman who I work with she was raped twice. And, you know, going through a forgiveness process. There's a lot of anger in there from 30 years ago. So we we worked on this for months of getting anger out. And then on to the next letter where You know what, I forgive you, I know that you were just doing the best you can. And, you know, I hope that that we're both able to move on. And I wish you well.   Arlina Allen  45:11   The second letter is a letter of compassion.   Unknown Speaker  45:14   Yes. Yeah. A letter of love, forgiveness, compassion. Now, while you're doing that letter, you're like, I forgive you. But fuck you. I still can't believe each other. But that means all the anger is down now. So we need to go back to the beginning and continue to get the anger out.   Arlina Allen  45:30   Are they reading these letters to you?   Unknown Speaker  45:33   Oh, yes. To me.   Unknown Speaker  45:35   I'm sorry for anybody. All   Arlina Allen  45:36   right, no, I get that. Okay. So what you're talking about is validating, in my mind, like people just can't move on until their feelings are acknowledged and validated.   Unknown Speaker  45:51   Mm hmm.   Arlina Allen  45:52   Yeah. And then, yeah, and that's what you're describing is. You hold space for them to you hear God's sometimes people just want to be heard. Right? Like, nobody's listening. like everyone's talking. nobody's listening. So you hold this safe space of listening. And you hear and see and feel with your heart. Yes, that sucked. I agree with you. I hear you. That must have been horrible, right? And there's almost something de escalates. Something, just that validation. In my mind. People cannot move on until they're seen, heard and validated. And then they can move to compassion and forgiveness, like,   Unknown Speaker  46:41   yeah, yeah. And it takes time, remember, a lot of stuff, you know, we're deal a lot of this stuff we deal with, is unresolved emotion, it's unresolved things from the past, whatever it was, and these things can be decades old. And it's gonna take longer than a week or a month to, to undo these, these beliefs, behaviors, habits, ways of living that have been keeping us sick. It's gonna take a while to undo that. And take us but you know, the painful process helps us have sustained growth. Right? Like, that's   Unknown Speaker  47:19   what I said.   Arlina Allen  47:19   Sorry to interrupt you, but if I don't say it now I'm gonna forget. Cuz I'm old. No, it does take time to undo because and this is sort of an interesting point. Have you ever heard that? That saying that time heals all wounds? Such a lie?   Unknown Speaker  47:37   And time to action?   Arlina Allen  47:40   Ah, yeah, time with action heals wounds. I love that. Thank you. Sorry to interrupt. No, no   Unknown Speaker  47:46   calm.   Arlina Allen  47:49   What were you saying? I forgot.   Unknown Speaker  47:54   Sorry.   Arlina Allen  47:56   Okay, okay. So, get the anger out through the letters, it takes time with action.   Unknown Speaker  48:02   Yeah. And then at the end, ultimately, we want to forgive ourselves, forgive ourselves to get to the place where you know, I love I love you. I love you. Arlina I love you, Dennis. I love you, me, I love me. And, you know, we all make mistakes. And ultimately, that's where we want to get. And, you know, it takes a little time to get there. And sometimes it doesn't it sometimes some something silly, you know, like rape is a horrible, like one of the worst things that could ever happen in your life. So that one tastes a little more work. Sometimes it's smaller things. But you know, we just have to be willing to do the work. And once we start doing the work, then change happens. But if we continue to stay in our 80,000, stagnant thoughts from yesterday that are keeping us stuck? Not going to grow out of it? Well,   Arlina Allen  48:48   there's, you know, the shadow side of all this is like we do it because it serves us in some way. Right. Thank you. Does we think it does. Yeah, we think it does. And I feel like that's like subconscious minds job is to sort of keep you in this little comfort zone. Because that's, you know, we develop like the default mode network, this this way of thinking this operating system and then your subconscious mind to conserve energy will try to keep you there. Right? Let it doesn't ultimately serve you because it's like, you have all this pain that you're not dealing with, and that's what's causing you to drink or behave in a destructive way. So I love this forgiveness process. And, and so, gosh, I I could talk to you all day, but I realized I want to be sensitive to your time. Okay, so   Unknown Speaker  49:38   I'm all yours.   Arlina Allen  49:40   Oh, you're so sweet. Okay, so the fruit, okay, so we ultimately forgive ourselves. And so my belief is that we cannot escape the same measuring stick that we judge others by. So if we're going to write that one down, that's right. So the VI The reason To forgive, in my mind, is that Have you ever heard that idea that anger is like our resentments? Like, like, anger damages the vessel that carries it right? It's like acid like that anger just poisons us. Right. But we hold on to this resentment because we're holding these other people to this standard. That may or may not be. Well, I don't know. It's like not serving anybody really. But   Unknown Speaker  50:31   well know that. You know, that resentment holding up the anger. You know what that is? What? That's another distraction.   Unknown Speaker  50:39   Oh, yeah, that's   Unknown Speaker  50:41   exactly what that is. So having, drinking, getting stone, the I won't say Netflix anymore. But scrolling, the eating chick fil a at three in the afternoon, and holding resentments. Those are all distractions, feeling and growing. That's what they are. It's the same thing.   Arlina Allen  51:00   You are healing the world today.   Unknown Speaker  51:04   That's the truth. I mean, this is huge thinking. going deep. And most people aren't even willing to go this deep because it's painful. It's part of   Arlina Allen  51:13   growing pains, though, right. And the thing is, is life is painful anyway, so you're going to experience pain, so me as well be intentional about it and process the pain to resolution rather than continue our distracting behaviors.   Unknown Speaker  51:32   Master role,   Arlina Allen  51:33   and you are? Well, thank you. And you are such a great facilitator for people. How How do people find you and work with you? If if you do indeed have your calendar is full. But if you could squeeze one or two people in how would somebody go about reaching out to you,   Unknown Speaker  51:57   there's always room to help people. So it's Dennis berry.com. And you can schedule a free session on there. And we'll have a chat. And if you like it, we'll try some more. And if not, I understand. And from there, you can buy my book, and you can get to my podcast and the Life Mastery school you were talking about is I'm creating a series of free videos. And the current one that's up there now is addiction recovery. And there's like 15 or 20 videos there. And then   Arlina Allen  52:25   I'm 10 or 20.   Unknown Speaker  52:26   Yeah, so they're all free to watch. And then there's different topics within there. And I did love and relationships. There's about 10 or 15. There. I'm working on mindfulness and meditation, which we were just talking about, and health and wellness. So it's just it's Life Mastery school by Dennis Berry. And you just come in, you can watch all the classes you want for free.   Arlina Allen  52:48   Life Mastery school by Dennis berry.com. No, it's on my website. Everything's on Dennisberry.com   Unknown Speaker  52:56   Yeah, everything's right there, Life Mastery school mastery on Dennisberry.com. website. Hopefully that wasn't confusing. Just go to Dennis Berry, just   Arlina Allen  53:05   just go to Dennis berry calm. I'll leave a link. If you're driving while listening to this. I will leave a link per usual. in the show notes. I will also include and the forgiveness process that was intense. Thank you so much for sharing that.   Unknown Speaker  53:20   Yeah. And if anybody reaches out via this, then I'll just send him a free copy a PDF copy of my book.   Arlina Allen  53:27   Oh, nice. What's the name of your book?   Unknown Speaker  53:29   funky wisdom A Practical Guide to Life.   Arlina Allen  53:31   Love that. So good. Um, okay. Yeah. So I will leave links to the books. I'll have the quotes in there. There was a lot of quotes, actually, you see a great quotes. And I'll leave a link to your website, podcast and Bach. Yay,   Unknown Speaker  53:54   has a lot of stuff. You're the best. I love you.   Unknown Speaker  53:56   I love you.   Arlina Allen  53:57   You're my brother from another mother, for sure. Thank you so much for all the work that you do. I know that you your whole purpose. Like you're living your purpose, as am I now? Yeah. It feels really good to be of service and turn that in service, I would say that service is probably one of the fastest way to improve your self esteem if, if you're struggling with guilt and shame, start getting into service because that will help mitigate that as well.   Unknown Speaker  54:26   So powerful. So, so, so true. You know, I said all the time, but you know, are you worried or stressed out or resentful or angry or whatever your feeling is? Did you help anybody today? Yeah. And it's sometimes it could be a big thing. And sometimes it could be just holding the door open for somebody but just stop doing it with?   Arlina Allen  54:47   Yes. with intention. I love that. Well, Dennis, thank you so much for being so awesome. All the time. Thank   Unknown Speaker  54:55   you.   Arlina Allen  54:58   Good luck with your move to Mexico. I look forward to seeing all the pictures on all your socials. I'll leave links to that. Thank you so much for your time today.   Unknown Speaker  55:09   Thank you. I mean, I appreciate you.   Arlina Allen  55:11   I appreciate you too. We'll talk again soon.