Something Positive for Positive People

Our guest shares some horror stories of disclosing her herpes status to partners and their responses as well as many lessons that could've stemmed into other episodes including how it isn't herpes, its vulnerability people are afraid of, how avoidance translates, avoiding avoidance, convenience of non-disclosure, navigating red flags, lonely fatigue, and connectedness in community vs in sex.

Split with partner and feels like now she’s single and realizes she now HAS to deal with this DURING the pandemic 2 weeks before lockdown happened Lives in New Zealand Conversations “In here” vs conversations “Out there” Being boundariless makes us conform to the boundaries of others or lack thereof Understand what’s yours and what’s your partners’ Covid conversations parallel STI conversations “Is this person worth getting COVID from?” Assumptions have no anchor in reality Stigma makes this diagnosis troubling because we’re not connected to it until we’re connected to it. Misinformation from credible sources “Just wear condoms” “Don’t have sex during outbreaks” Well my Doctor said . . . Dr resistance to testing due to the trauma of a possible positive result Connecting people to accurate, consistent information is a challenge against all the misinformation The world’s worst herpes joke at 35 minutes lol. This is awful ya’ll. I mean really bad. The tickling analogy from Melissa Carnagey of Sex Positive Families how consent violating kids grow to consent violating adults Sexual Health and Mental health are interconnected. The skeleton of body autonomy and “no” serve as the skeleton of sexual health conversations

Group dynamics and violations of boundaries Felt uncomfortable with many personal messages from strangers which felt good initially with positivity turned compliments It took a day or two for this to happen shortly after she posted her introduction Reminder that spaces I invite people into are extensions of me so I need to set expectations THAT ONE GUY IN THE GROUP WHO KEEPS MESSAGING OVER AND OVER Addressing the overwhelm of attention in the group Diagnosed with Genital HSV1 New Year's Day 2019 Was in a relationship 4-5 months when diagnosed and STIs weren’t on the radar. She got her herpes receiving oral from her bf with a history of cold sores which no one asks about because we’re not taught to. Comforting herself with the mantra “This is just a yeast infection”. The side eye from the nurse knocked that mantra out. Presenting lesions that were swabbed, afterwards, she overheard chatter in the hallway “Have you told her?” which was humiliating as a patient. Unaware that cold sores are herpes and could pass on genitally Cried with her boyfriend and they tried to comfort one another Got very sick the day after finding out she had herpes Mom assumed her boyfriend cheated and that wasn’t what she needed, she needed comfort Stayed in the relationship 1.5 years after official diagnosis She received her test results from someone who couldn’t tell her what type of HSV she had for some reason even though she already knew. Speaks volumes to inconsistency Who should deliver a diagnosis? A patient care advocate? On staff sex professional? Delivery of her traumatic diagnosis did not help Herpes brought up past trauma, specifically an assault that had occurred and the shame resurfaced after pretending it didn’t happen and not processing. After her diagnosis this came to the forefront. Was uncomfortable with therapy and attempted to deal alone but it wasn’t working. She became disgusted with her body even in the mirror by herpes and assault. Don’t make excuses or blame yourself and as much as it sucks, you gotta process it. Supporting survivors looks like holding judgment free space for the other person Repressing feelings can show up during alone times Prescribed antidepressants after a follow up appointment gave her an opportunity to plan out her suicide attempt because from her diagnosis. She was gonna down them. There’s no RIGHT way to deliver a diagnosis. It’s all situational Sexual health IS Mental health Realizing she had genital herpes, but her bf had oral herpes, not genital. Look at the stigma and disconnect there in the relationship with jealousy based on location. He broke up with her as the relationship was becoming “toxic” and she wouldn’t entertain the idea of it ending. Elaborate on toxic so we can catch it and call it out. Being single can be isolating when you have herpes so it’s hard to talk to people about it

Here's what we've touched on this episode: 20 Years old and diagnosed over a year with genital HSV at the start of the Pandemmy Found out this guy intentionally gave her and 3 other women HSV to claim them These ladies ganged up and pushed Emily OUT of the group so they could keep their man all to themselves They told her he has herpes and they encouraged her to go get tested and leave They said he does this to everyone new that he starts to like and hooks up with When she confronted the guy, he said “I know” and blocked her, yet showed up for work still Him not caring is what made her feel broken as that was the one person she’s trusted with her body and he broke it, making her feel disgusting This was her first partner so she knew it came from him Felt shocked and confused because this was also a coworker He didn’t care when they spoke and he knew what he’d done. Became severely depressed and saw a therapist This was her lowest point in her life Her friends picked her back up and helped her When girls say “He’s my best friend” Falling in love with someone who doesn’t reciprocate Is it my fault for “catching feelings” Red flags are love-bombing and faux connection and red flags start Who they are with me vs who they are with NOT me Ex girlfriend in the picture being “crazy” as a warning Average D game blinding from red flags DUDE IS A SOUNDCLOUD RAPPER What keeps us from retaliating to shitty people? No regard to consequences, nothing to lose, so fuck it. Shift the shame from stigma to shitty actions (Episode Title) From victim blaming to perpetrator shame Abuser threats to your threatening to out them for abuse Abusers have no shame (why is the fear greater of your consent violations carry more weight than abuse. The abuser shouldn’t be able to hurt you more after help is sought or action taken The three girls prioritizing him benefiting from this representative of upholding white supremacy He wrote a diss track about her and called her a homie hopper. Had incentive for a fresh start through reaching out to her sister for support to get that When disclosing your status, it’s all about the person Recognizing happiness for the first time after not seeing it for so long We all want matched energy I wanted him to be who he was WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US If you want pizza instead of tacos, get pizza, don’t eat tacos.

Having to strongly advocate for what she KNOWS was wrong with her body. 37 years old Told she has herpes then is told she should hurry up and have kids before even processing that she has herpes. Stigma in medicine looking like go have kids. Listening to my podcast helped them more than going to a professional. She had to figure this all out on her own Found a women’s group for support What if there’s one consistent test that says you do or don’t have herpes once a year KNOWING we’re being tested for it. Get on board with a better test Platonic same sex relationships validation and support through those rather than sex. Comfort in effort of community support being uplifted Do transmission rates matter? There’s always a chance Black & Brown folks and mental health How Awareness of Patterns Create choice What happens in this house stays in this house and how that silence upholds power structures

Closing out Black History month with another Black guest, myself woop woop. I didn't even realize I did that this month but I'm glad it happened this way. I discuss my own experiences with toxicity in relationships and how the inability to express emotions outside sex has been a challenge for me. I learned that my exertion of control through sex with partners is perhaps a trauma response over the safety of safely expressing emotions. The toxicity of this form of manipulation was neutralized through flat out being challenged by my Partner who called me out on it. This led me to realize that it isn't sex I want to control, it's the connection. I'm learning to let go of control by simply setting boundaries and trust that they'll be respected. This was a liberating discovery about myself and I thought it was worth sharing here, in my other safe vehicle of emotional expression, Something Positive for Positive People.

We gotta go bullet point style for this one! Diagnosed at age 24 with genital HSV, Ebony shares her experiences leading up to her diagnosis from her home life to intimate relationships. In this episode we talk: - Mental health in the Black home - Religion's value in the Black home vs mental health - Shame of sexuality leading to overt abusive behavior - How healing through the herpes community can occur This was a great conversation that provokes thoughts about how our beliefs shape our behaviors until they're challenged by reality.

We conclude Bliss' experience with her mental wellness challenges on part 2 of Something Positive People episode 171, Black Minds Matter. We discuss mistreatment for bipolar, how mental wellness for Bliss and myself as 2 people with blackness growing up, and here's a trigger warning for discussions of suicide. Something Positive for Positive People is a 501c3 Non Profit organization that connects people who are struggling with their herpes diagnosis to mental health, community support, and education resources in order to help them navigate the stigma. You can visit www.spfpp.org to donate today.

I'm joined for this 2 part episode of SPFPP by 27 year old Bliss, a Black woman who shares her experience being diagnosed with trichomoniasis and herpes simplex virus type 1 while in a relationship. After being unclear about what her initial symptoms were because of her health care provider's language, she thought she only had oral herpes. Ending part 1, we touch on her own mental health struggles including battling depression and suicide ideation.

The Dildo Duchess, Zoe Ligon, AKA Thongria, author of "Carnal Knowledge Sex Education You Didn't Get in School", joins Something Positive for Positive People opening up with a complete mind boggler for ya! She found out she had herpes from her boyfriend who she gave oral sex to while she had a coldsore. Yes everyone, coldsores can in fact cause herpes outbreaks, do you know why? Because coldsores are herpes. Zoe shares how she had terrible boundaries which were just no boundaries. We discuss how asking for what you want is interconnected with one's ability to say no. We talk through how to exercise boundaries and navigating an STI that you didn't get from sexual contact. Zoe can be found on Instagram at @thongria. She is also the Founder of @shopspectrumboutique, an online educational pleasure shop based in Detroit Michigan which you can also follow on Instagram. Zoe and her partner also host a podcast called Hot Brain which I will be an upcoming guest on, so follow that too! I'm on social media at @HOnMyChest.