Something Positive for Positive People

We conclude part 1 which we just abruptly ran out of time for considering how deep the conversation got compared to how we had intended. I wanted to speak about being former athletes and how that navigated herpes which we eventually got to organically haha, but we took a JOURNEY to get here that was unexpected but was absolutely necessary. We spoke to how athletics and the culture of sports can be a lesson of how we seek out unconsciously what's familiar to us. While we use our experience as athletes, this absolutely applies to anyone who makes decisions. I hope you enjoy this thang as much as we did recording it.

We didn’t get to the topic I wanted to discuss AT ALL about being a former athlete but I promise this is worth the listen. Our guest, Bri, discusses having moved forward with a partner who disclosed to her, they moved forward with intimacy and immediately from that ‘session’, she had her first outbreak. We talk about the emotional labor of supporting a partner through their diagnosis and symptoms, whether or not this was intentional, weaponizing herpes as a means of ‘trapping’ a partner, and how cis-het men navigate the emotional aspect of herpes stigma vs cis-het women. Part 2 is where we’ll get into concluding Bri’s story, and hopefully get to go into the bit about being a former athlete. So for ya’ll wondering how the abusive relationship ended, stay tuned. Oh Trigger warning on this one…. abuse. But we talk about identifying abuse here too.

Our guest, Chuck Copenspire and his identities Former queer life coach He/they Make corporate environments gayer, more efficient and more accessible Combining skill sets of sex work, trauma-informed, accessibility and neurodivergence DEI To chuck Creating space where an actual human can thrive without needing to pretend  Contribute true gifts- special brain and incredibly powerful when applied to the right problems Not only creating opportunities, but proactively seeking out people who think “they cannot do it” Getting out of the way and making room for other people BDSM Empowered in bossy/take no shit/boundaries part of themselves Unwillingness to consent to power dynamics that don’t make sense They need to be a respectable person, if they want respect Birth Dysphoria around default she/mama/ Brought into contrast his masculine experience Herpes HSV1 positive for 12 years, 20 when first experienced symptoms Getting comfortable with disclosure 2 or 3 rejections  Act of disclosure helped formalize consent boundaries for him Explicit consent for any bodily interactions Sexual health is mental health Shadow work/ Integration work Living in shadow is the self you were taught to hide Found BDSM spaces as a consenting space to be greedy, bossy, sadistic, silly, to be anything Regardless of BDSM element in one’s sexuality, there is inherently a shamed self who can be integrated with public presentable self Danger of not integrating- non consensually humiliating people he had crushes on Book: “Romancing the Shadow” Favorite fetish- helping straight people realize they’re gay How people react to dating him and realizing they are more queer than they thought Denial Curiosity Fear/anxiety: what will happen if they start to be gay, doing something wrong Challenging/validating/invalidating identities of people he dates Having identity challenged brings a lot up for people’s safety  Ways you feel comfortable being approached Masks w/ pronouns My identity is not validated by other people’s reception of it. It is mine and validated by me. Finding a space where he belonged In Spokane in his 20’s in drag and comedy scene Making mistakes and failures Cult Destroyed a cult Solo parenting Navigate disclosing Welcome new ppl into community, to sense if there’s the energy to disclose If a kiss might be coming, let them know I’m HSV1 positive Getting self-consent! Checking in and being a partner with his body Closing: 1 message, 3 asks Stay curious If you wanna talk to him, please do Willing to adopt a scorpion or tarantula Meet & hold a super billionaire to let them cry in his arms LinkedIn: Chuck Copenspire Instagram: your.pansexual.crisis

(Transcription available on the episode web page directly) Let me apologize in advance for the audio quality ya’ll. Liam is a firefighter and was chatting with me via FaceTime and this was the best quality we could’ve gotten for his story as someone who hasn’t tested positive for herpes who dates someone positive. We have more clear audio after a few minutes and if you make it through you won’t regret it. Liam speaks to valuing the integrity of his partner. He talks about how she disclosed to him and he found her character attractive. He didn’t feel as if he needed to have a particular reaction to her disclosure, and I thought it was interesting that he used the phrase “having an out”. I think this speaks to the importance of how we can put in so much effort presenting perfect in hopes of acceptance, but becoming exhausted over time because that isn’t a sustainable way of being with anyone, nor is it sustainable FOR anyone. While the discordant dating series has come to an end, I think we may have stumbled into a little bit of an expansion of what SPFPP is capable of providing.

Trigger Warnings of abuse, sexual assault, and some new revelations our guest Tammy had during our discussion. This can be challenging to listen to, so I encourage you to take care of yourself as you listen, or honestly maybe skip this one altogether. Abuse looks a variety of ways and what we discuss here are some identifiers of potential abuse. Again, trigger warning, abuse.

Laureen (not HD) is a trauma therapist, bikini competitor, East coaster, and a human who has experienced excessive bullying for most of her life for various reasons. I wanna preface this episode by asking that you respect her bravery in making herself accessible to people by not making any comments about her physical appearance please. It was amazing that she offered us her story and the vulnerability that came with it. Now that’s out of the way . . . As a Bikini Competitor, Laureen had what became realized as her first outbreak while on stage in a competition. There was a sense of denial with the initial symptoms which she went to the ER for not once or twice, but 3 times where she was treated for the common, curable STIs because they thought that was the cause of her discomfort/symptoms. She was able to focus on her show by just pushing this all down. She eventually received a diagnosis and meds to treat the symptoms and outbreak, but still sort of navigated the denial stage of grief. Connect with Laureen on Instagram @__Laureen (that's two underscores before her name)

Planned Parenthood Columbia Willamette in Portland, Oregon joins us for a conversation that taught me a few things I hadn't known before. For instance, I was completely unaware that after you receive treatment from a healthcare facility, you can make an appointment to ask questions. I don't know why but I absolutely thought appointments were exclusively for treatment, not education. Lena and Olivia were great to learn from and give us further insight to how Planned Parenthood services can be utilized by patients. The more we're able to exchange dialogue about stigmatized topics, the less stigmatized they become. With education and the expectation of communication (wow what a sentence), we can inspire allyship in our surrounding communities. This includes our sexual partners, our peers, friends, families, health care providers, media personalities/influencers. This sense of allyship can serve as a catalyst for folks to feel supported in their own dissolution of internalized stigma not just with their own sexual health, but even communicating ABOUT sexual health altogether.

We close out the Discordant Dating series of Something Positive for Positive People with Jesse. Jesse is someone who experienced an oral herpes outbreak and speaks to having learned from an extensive dialogue between him and his doctor. We talk about disclosing or not disclosing oral herpes vs genital herpes. It’s not that there’s a misconception that there’s something different. I am learning that there’s a consistency in that people generally have a discomfort speaking about sex in general. Taking it a little deeper, it’s likely about just not knowing what it’s like to have/live with or have had people share their herpes status with them in the past, you know? This episode highlights just how important education is when it comes to oral herpes (and obviously sex education in general). But how our guest speaks to his experience with his friends during his oral herpes outbreaks speaks to how stigma remains prevalent. We all know someone who has herpes, and THAT needs to be an ongoing narrative as it is more reflective of society than “Everybody has herpes”. It also invalidates the lived experiences of people who have herpes, disclose and are judged by people unaware of their status or who don’t have herpes. Adding to that, the people who have or get cold sores but don’t know they’re herpes contribute to this too. Cold sores are herpes. You hear it straight from our guest here.

We speak to many aspects of assessing compatibility. For instance, if someone lives too far, and you’re unwilling to commute 45 minutes to visit, and that’s your dealbreaker then that has nothing to do with a person just not a fit for something important to you like closeness. That’s one example to be considered when deciding who’s worth the “risk” if you will. Looking at the Pandemic, we make ongoing choices day in and day out as we interact with others to decide who’s worth it if we get Covid from them. The same rules apply with sex and STIs, and then we have to look at HSV. I think we need to see compatibility as compatibility and non-negotiables non-negotiables.

That phrase, ignorance is bliss has officially been cancelled. It’s ignorance that perpetuates stereotypes that keep unfavorable circumstances of the status quo uplifted. In this case, the status quo being that we don’t speak about the reality of potentially having already been exposed to herpes far before we either have someone share their positive status with us, or we present symptoms ourselves. How we respond to these scenarios is a direct reflection of how knowledgeable we are about not just herpes, not just sexual health, but also humanness of the human condition. Paul is the symptom-free/negative half of a discordant relationship. At 51 years old, he speaks from wisdom of lived experiences that revolve around maturity and emotional intelligence. So what is it that made him decide to move forward when his partner shared her positive HSV status with him? It’s easy, knowledge. This wasn’t our guest’s first rodeo with a partner who was positive for herpes, but it was the second rodeo where a partner had disclosed that to him. He values the vulnerability that comes with sharing a positive HSV status over the risk of transmission. I ask him some real questions such as “are you prepared to receive a diagnosis or have initial symptoms?” and he answered truthfully. No one willingly went out and chased down herpes. We all just ended up being exposed and having symptoms, or we are exposed. What I think I’m coming up with in these conversations is that it’s important to change the way we have conversations about connecting in general. If your values don’t align for whatever the nature of the connection with another person, whether short term or long term, don’t waste anyone’s time. Everyone can go their separate ways in pursuit of what IS in line with their values and also have a much more pleasant interaction.