Something Positive for Positive People

Adrial Dale has had herpes 10-15 years ( After a while you just kinda throw out a window) and he is the founder of H Opportunity. We actually connected back in 2019 at SXSW in Austin, Texas. Adrial made the slides for the “Making Disclosure Sexy” talk I did with Ashley Manta, the Cannasexual and Laura Aisha from the Ignite Intimacy podcast. We connected recently over this herpes stat sheet he created in 2014 that’s been circulating in the herpes support groups I’m part of. The information is clearly outdated and I challenged people to challenge that information when they come across it. Since then, Adrial has updated that information and it can be found on his site, H Opportunity. Swimming in stigma, Adrial sought out information that demonstrated the likelihood of him having a healthy sex-life post-diagnosis. He was cheated on by his partner and admits to being someone to make fun of people with herpes until he was diagnosed himself. His experience made him ask the question, “What stories are you telling yourself as a person with herpes?”. Alone, Googling herpes gives us a lot of assumptions and so many inconsistencies. During this episode, we look at a herpes diagnosis is the shovel that unearths what was already there for us! Self worth is associated with the feelings around our diagnosis. Courage is a choice. Those of us open about our status aren’t brave, we’re privileged. It’s those of us who choose to look at and deal with it are the brave ones. Hitting rock bottom can be motivation enough to begin to take a look at what it means to be courageous. Adrial’s journey really kicked off when he joined a support group THEN lead one. Seeing others like you makes navigating this a lot easier. I see people jump into offering support before having gotten it themselves and there’s a number of different ways that can go. It’s important to understand what people are going through before you try and say you have a solution for them. I often speak to this personally. I liked myself more around people who knew nothing about me except that I have herpes than I did around people who knew everything about me BUT that I had herpes. Take inventory on the version of yourself you like more. Do you like yourself more around those who KNOW you have herpes and nothing else about you or those who DON’T. Ask yourself this, “If herpes wasn’t what happened to you, then what would the trigger for change have been?”. Connection through pain/grief like “oh shit you too!?” offers a felt sense of deeper connection. Grieving our sexual selves after an STI diagnosis and the identity of our sexuality in the present and future or dwelling on what it used to be. We are all grieving when we’ve experienced intense emotion after a trauma. This healing can serve as rocket fuel for self-growth through acceptance. Embrace your WHOLE self, herpes and whatever else knowing it makes you stronger and more connected to yourself and those around you! The ideal time to disclose is where sex convo overlaps into what it looks like with one another. It applies to hookups and slower developing connections. Sometimes disclosing our herpes status can be a shortcut to vulnerability and surefire connection. Get clear on what info you want and look for that, but don’t get stuck on it. Look at the stats broken down and the impact it plays on your mental health until you find the aha moment. We need more information on barrier sex vs skin to skin contact sex rather than male to female sex as if we only do it for reproduction. Vulva to vulva sex is happening, and “use a condom” just doesn’t apply to this kind of sexual interaction. I really want to emphasize how importance it is to challenge the available information about HSV. While we ARE the resource, we’re not perfect. We only have what’s available to us and what others share with us, but challenge it to your lived experience and in spaces you feel safe to. Have some general foundational knowledge from the research as you look through/at stats for yourself. As we put our experiences out there, we learn the commonality. Connect with Adrial at https://www.herpesopportunity.com/

This episode we have Bekka from St. Louis who made it through 12 sessions of therapy. She shares her experience with learning how to disclose to partners, navigate her relationship new relationship since her diagnosis. As someone who was in a period of celibacy when she tested positive, she talks about the challenge of navigating that with limited support. She speaks to the benefits of therapy for her, and what so many others CAN get out of this. You can support our cause to get people navigating herpes stigma connected to mental health resources by donating today. My cash app and venmo are @CourtneyBrame. Paypal is just paypal.com/spfpp

Today someone reached out to me at an interesting time. I’m currently listening to a book called “Forces for Good - The Six Practices of High-Impact Nonprofits”. In this book, I’m essentially experiencing validation that I’m doing 5 of the 6 things perfect. I’m on par with the top 12 Nonprofits in the United States. I do a lot with a little bit and to go from $1,200 in donations in 2019 to donations 2021 donations totaling more than $15,000, I realize just how much I missed focusing on what I haven’t done “well” (and I say that subjectively). The one area I lack in isn’t even an area I’m lacking. The one thing that keeps me from experiencing the success of larger Nonprofits is that they inspire action, advocacy, and people are loud and proud of the organization that serves them. I’m serving the most stigmatized group of people, those with herpes, and the very people I extend support to through Something Positive for Positive People are the very people so stigmatized that they literally cannot do what’s needed to make SPFPP what it needs to be in order to hit that next level. This kind of thinking is where my head was before Emily and I recorded this podcast episode. I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing the way that I’m supposed to be. It’s more important to me that I have an impact than do everything by the books. When I heard these successful Nonprofits aren’t all super structured, civilized, professional, etc. I felt seen. I let people tell me to make things look a certain way. I’ve let myself think I need to have funding from people who have the money putting us good will organizations against one another to compete for the resources to do good. What the fuck is that about? I knew that was happening but to hear it here in this book, I realized that I’m damn capable of making an impact as I have for the last almost 5 years with minimal resources. If I get more resources, then imagine the impact then! This book is expanding my perspective on serving through a Nonprofit. It’s also validating my self trust. The success is in the consistency. I know there are people I’ve helped that I’ll never hear from and people will never know the impact SPFPP had on them. I accept that. But DAMN it’s so hard to see that I have 5/6 of what makes the most impactful Nonprofits what they are and I’m just an allyship campaign away from being at that tier. That’s ego talking though, because it isn’t about that at all. This reading and timing of this interview pulled me out of this inner conflict I’ve struggled with. I downplay the amazing impact I know I’m having on the people of the world because I don’t want to make people uncomfortable about me being open about my herpes status. Something Positive for Positive People will always be linked to herpes no matter how hard I try to connect it to mental health and suicide prevention. Me being open about my status is what’s allowed for us to touch as many people as I have so far. I thank my therapist who cut me off mid sentence when we spoke about my relationships being with people who seemed ashamed of the amazing work I do because it revolves around my openness about having herpes. He told me it’s not my responsibility to be less than for ANYONE. If me being who I am makes people uncomfortable, that’s for them to work through. I do have herpes. This is an important part of my life. I’m done turning that part of myself down. Emily shares with me the insight in her own experience just why it can be challenging for some people to be open about their status as it impacts their income directly. She pointed out something in reference to educators who work with children and how they aren’t allowed to be human. I think that’s where the brave people are. For her to repress her being to be able to do what she loves to me is brave. This made me reflect on just how privileged I am to be able to say I have herpes to the internet and be met with no consequences, whereas she navigates the world in such a way that she looks like a superhuman/hero to the kids and parents of the kids she educates. I see ya’ll. I see the educators and people having to navigate stigma so cautiously due to anything connected to a flawed aspect of sex for a person can ruin their career. Emily showed me the other side of this and gave me all the more reason to stop inhibiting myself from connecting with people authentically. I catch myself slipping into “I work in mental health” when I talk to new people. I’m going to keep making an impact and stop trying to separate herpes from Something Positive for Positive People to make people comfortable getting involved for the sake of growing like Nonprofits do. I’m going to make people MORE uncomfortable. I’m telling people who ask me this is exactly what I do. I’m 110% invested in SPFPP now. I disengaged from all external inhibitors of my ability to continue to create the impact I know I can. I’m invested. This wildfire of passion in my heart is now free to fuck shit up now! No more will I try keeping the flames at bay because a love interest doesn’t want anyone questioning their herpes status, or a friend hasn’t disclosed to a potential partner yet and they’re worried about how my disclosure will be received, and if someone is uncomfortable with associating with this impactful organization because of herpes, then I have to allow them to be there while I move onward expanding my messaging to reach those who need it. This’ll be what it’s supposed to be. It isn’t about growth for me anymore, it’s about consistency. *Revised to reflect that it was not $26k… I had the totals of each month included with the Excel formula in some months when I was getting totals and that ended up almost doubling the total lol.

Grief was a major focus in this episode. We not only grieve the person we are ending the relationship with. We grieve the memories, the future we envisioned, and who we thought we’d become alongside them. This was a hard reality for me personally because when you fall in love fast like I do, you grieve a lot. Unaware of this grieving process, I’ve dismissed and invalidated my own emotions because of how little time we spent together, or because I date multiple people at once. This wasn’t just my unconscious belief, but it was projected onto me by society that values quantity of time over quality of experiences in the life cycle of the relationship whether friendship, friend with benefits, a relationship, casual, or engagement. A relationship is a relationship, and grief is grief. The type of relationship we grieve may just shape the intensity or duration of time we experience the grief. What Erin taught me is that there’s no shame in grieving any relationship. We’re told as men especially that we shouldn’t feel sad or angry about a relationship ending but the reality is that sometimes endings are sad. How we feel is how we feel. We SHOULD feel this way. When we make space for the feelings that accompany grief, we move through them smoother. Another important topic here was closure. We control closure ourselves. Closure isn’t “no contact” it’s simply revisiting boundaries and expectations and not always with the other person. Sometimes you have to revisit your own boundaries and expectations when it comes to this other person you’re ending things with. Maybe not following their social media, only engaging cordially when around mutual friends and settings, or whatever else you decide is best for your own mental health. Whatever you choose, let it be YOUR decision and not something influenced by what others think you should do. You know what’s best for you.

Much of this podcast is useful for anyone navigating rejection. I think Sarah’s statement about being rejected in her career has created a solid foundation for her to fully go into an interaction with all she has to give and leaving it there whether she’s accepted for the role or if there was someone selected over her. She was told early on “you’re going to fail, be rejected, and things will change. Just give it your all and then when it’s done, on to the next.” Sarah also speaks to how a strong support system fosters resilience for expressing that vulnerability that goes into putting yourself in position to experience rejection. A question to ask yourself as you listen here is where is your confidence in disclosing your status to partners? Think this way… If you’re at a point of preparing to disclose then you’ve already experienced acceptance for who you are up to that point in the interaction. Sharing your status and asking to move forward simply just means you’re asking a person if they are okay with taking a chance of getting herpes. This point in the interaction is not about you, nor is it really about them. It’s about their understanding and tolerance of potentially knowingly being exposed to an STI. It’s okay if someone doesn’t want to get herpes yet. While Sarah and I both have platforms to refer people to, we still experience the feelings of rejection when it comes to dating and our careers. We speak to the ups and downs about being open about our positive statuses. Where else do you experience rejection? How do you get your confidence back after? Sarah's podcast is available wherever you listen to podcasts. Connect with her on social media @positivelypositivepodcast and show her some love!

I was attacked various times this episode and I am here for it. Our guest, Nina is a Sex Worker, Therapist, survivor of chronic pain and . . . You’ll hear the rest of their identities for yourself. We speak to the series on my Instagram (follow me @honmychest) this past week on taking daily antivirals or not taking daily antivirals. While that’s how the convo began, that is not how it continued. We tap into some dialogue around gender and challenging the binary not only in our behaviors but in our overall existence. Enjoy this episode and let me know what you think on Instagram or leave a review for us! Shout out to Audre Lorde again!

I wonder sometimes if I started this whole thing just to never have to deal with rejection related to my herpes diagnosis. Our triggers tend to call us in the direction of our healing. We can lean into that or avoid it, but either way, there is something worth exploring in our most intense emotional moments if we can just feel them and identify the first time we felt that so that we can identify the patterns. Oftentimes a trigger can be linked to identity invalidation. If we avoid this too long, it can possibly become an unconscious expression of who we are and cause our own suffering.

It feels so good to be back from hiatus. I hadn't realized what disengaging from my identity here as a podcaster was doing for me, but it was through this experience that I learned. I was prioritizing money over being and in turn I was able to identify various ways my identity was being invalidated over time. That invalidation of identity led to burnout manifested in the form of a hiatus. On this episode, you see where I'm at and where we're going with SPFPP. And also, shoutout to Elle Stanger for putting me onto Audre Lorde who I tried to quote in this podcast episode but butchered it, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare”.

It's not goodbye, it's good transition. Also a must listen. Come, get what you need, then leave. Move on. Herpes stigma is internal and starts with the power we, those impacted by it allow for it to take from us. Give it something useful to US, practical applications only.

SPFPP advocacy has shifted to the integration of mental health resources and STD Prevention Efforts. Our goal is to make for an intentionally inclusive space for us as people who've tested positive after prevention efforts failed us due to their lack of transparency. I present this at the 2021 State of Michigan HIV and STI conference and here's the audio for it! Change is coming ya'll!