Something Positive for Positive People

Woo! If you liked Manifesto, you'll love Selfed. The more I speak to it, the more clearly it begins to define the healing process in a way that makes sense. The uncoupling of identity from its association is the working definition I have for selfed. Looking at life as the pursuit of wholeness with the expected pursuit to look like what society labels you and the other for your sense of fulfillment. To be able to identify that exclusively in its evolved essence . . . I can't type this in a way that doesn't sound super woo woo, so I hope that my words in this podcast communicate effectively.

I've put a pause on my social media posting for Something Positive for Positive People in order to make space for awareness of actions to take regarding the Supreme Court overturning Roe v Wade which protected people's access to abortion. Herpes conversations take the back seat because to human rights and it just doesn't feel right posting as if nothing happened, or is happening. This manifesto began as what was supposed to just be a journal entry, but it felt like things bubbling up inside me were able to come to my awareness as the pen rolled over the paper. The women around me emphasized the silence of men heavily and with some conversations, I realize there's a major distrust in the masculine on the liberal side of things, whereas the conservative side doesn't have that. Rebuilding trust in the masculine requires the masculine to be vulnerable and identify itself apart from the language we've given to it limiting it only in relation to pursuing wholeness through the reconnecting to the feminine. Now that this has made its way through me, I feel a shift that I can't describe. I feel better about reengaging on social media now.

Julian shares his struggles with addiction and his healing process while recovering in community. What I love about this episode is that we have a masculine presence here, not in the sense of in relation to the feminine or exclusively to sex. We are able to put a vulnerability lens to our displays of masculinity hopefully as an example for other men to express their emotions and healing in their own ways as well. Here's a link to the podcast on love addiction I mentioned: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/love-addiction-with-vic-mensa/id1449305737?i=1000433203421

July 21 at 6:30pm Pacific Time, MARK YOUR CALENDAR AND RSVP WITH ME! RSVP Here: https://forms.gle/MWSddcXYDahE4yqV6 There's an event coming where we can virtually commune as a way of being introduced to the world of sex-positivity. . . or Sex Positive World. Alright ya’ll, it’s here. The podcast episode I been hyping up that’s about to change the trajectory of people navigating a new herpes diagnosis! Jamie and I speak to what Sex Positive World offers and how it relates to reconnecting with (or connecting with for the first time) your own sexuality and doing so in a supportive, inclusive community space. I feel like this is the BEST thing I can do for our community directly as most of my time lately is venturing into bringing sex positivity into healthcare. I hope this directs people into sex positivity so that providers and patients can connect easier to be on the same page. Please RSVP and check out the event. See if it’s for you and go from there.

The 69 is all about perspective. I've had a healing experience that impacted me immediately because I decided to finally ask for what I needed, which is foreign to me as someone who's been disappointed so often by people. What I learned is that I've created a narrative about my beliefs that stems from thinking that I know what other people think of me and responding to that. This started with my parents. I sought out to resolve our unfinished business directly and it paid off. I hope this episode is one you find useful for wherever you are in your life experience and that if you can attempt this exercise, that you do. Since I mentioned it, the link to the intro to sex positivity will be added to THAT episode which will be episode 237. The show notes will contain a link to the google forms and you can RSVP for the event by July 20, 2022. I'll send the calendar invite about a week before but if you're interested in learning how sex positivity can be a great space for resources navigating relationships after a diagnosis, I strongly encourage you to attend the virtual meeting July 21 at 6:30pm pacific time.

There’s a difference between having needs and being needy. Asking for what you need is often also synonymous with begging, and no one wants to be a beggar, so in that, no one wants to ask others for what they need. This episode offers an opportunity to reframe how we view having needs, as well as folks’ reactions to us asking for what we need. I think neediness is synonymous with “begging” in the traditional sense of the word. In neediness, we are trying to get our needs met from others without directly asking for them to meet our needs. Having needs is just an observation. How people choose to respond to our needs request is not a rejection or reflection of us, but a reflection of their boundaries. We may be uncomfortable with asking for what we need because we’re so comfortable meeting the needs of others. So let’s practice asking for what we need where it feels safe to do so, or we can practice with high stakes like going to someone who’s historically let you down and then directly making a request from them with no attachment to whether they comply or say no. Here I share some moments where I expected to feel rejected after requesting my needs to be met by people, only to actually feel an alleviation of expectations. Let’s start being intentional about identifying our needs and then asking for them to be met before we can start covertly ask people to meet them through manipulation and neediness. Mark your calendars for July 21 at 6:30pm Pacific USA Standard time for a virtual event introducing SPFPP community members to sex positivity/sex positive world! Updates, a podcast episode, and RSVP info will follow in upcoming social media posts and podcast episodes.

The shorter the podcast episode title, the bigger the message. This is another solo episode with a real emphasis on our narratives. The unfinished business we have with our primary caregivers who nurtured us gave us experiences that allowed us to form a narrative around. This narrative becomes our beliefs. Challenging our beliefs, we begin to grieve that version of ourselves that held those narratives as true to our identities. I had an interesting experience with grief in last night's Yen Yoga class where I hyped myself up and received my own validation, however, there was a major resistance to it because in order to receive, I'd have to accept a truth that I was conditioned to reject about myself. This is an episode that absolutely reflects healing if you're up for it, or at the very least, it'll plant the seed for you because you won't be able to just unsee whatever this reflects to you. Enjoy!

I strongly recommend listening to episode 232 titled "dating" prior to listening to this episode on relationships. What I've come to learn in my 5 years running SPFPP is that the relationships that include sex are the ones that carry a significantly higher value to us when it's our friendships and other non-sexual relationships that allow for us to really be who we are. I learned that my relationships haven't worked out in the past because when you are who you are, and others can be who they are, there's this abundance of self that spills into the relationship/connection. I and my past partners haven't had that. In fact, our lack of self is what caused us to "take" from one another and "give" to each other from a place of scarcity that looks like "Here's all I have to offer" and it would be attached to an expectation. So this reciprocated taking led to a metaphorical overload as we still tried to give beyond our capacity hoping to get what we needed in order to feel "loved" and secure in the relationship. All that to say, in this episode, I came to the realization that I've struggled with this word "selfish" and confused self-care to mean that until my therapist broke it down to me. You get to hear my ah-ha moment real time when I realize that relationships are co-created by two or more people. The experience is sort of a sphere or container between them where there's reciprocal give to the interaction/relationship and then you're responsible for getting what you need from the relationship, not the person. When two people are able to, through a healthy, secure, enriching relationship, freely express themselves without their selfishness/self-care being perceived as a threat, there's an abundance of expression that just overflows into the relationship from both or all parties so that the relationship itself is abundant to where each individual is able to freely receive and give TO THE RELATIONSHIP. My example is how I "selfishly" have to maintain boundaries for myself in order to show up in the relationship that you and I have through SPFPP. This is our relationship. I selfishly talk through my experiences and express myself, and prioritize my pleasure and needs so that I'm abundantly able to leak my expression into this platform for you to get what you need from it. Your presence, engagement, support, challenging, and celebration are what I get out of this relationship AS YOU CAN GIVE TO IT, I'm not coming and seeking it directly from you which means potentially overloading YOUR capacity. This sphere is a massive ass community that I through my selfishness have cultivated. A good example is a tree. It simply does what a tree does, grow roots, eat soil, absorb water, grow toward the sun. In a tree just being a tree, it provides shade, sometimes fruit, and when it does what it does, it produces in abundance for EVERYONE else to benefit. I got that analogy from Mr. Locario along with the idea that selfishness isn't a bad thing. Something I kinda touched on unintentionally this episode was "self-rejection" so I just briefly talked about that, but will get further into that another time. I feel like that's its own episode. And lastly, why is unavailability attractive? We want to experience others, period. The quality of a person's experience is unfortunately compared to their value of where they give their attention. Someone super available all the time is invited to things and places sometimes as an afterthought, or there's this belief "Oh so and so ain't doin shit, so let's see what they're doing tonight." and that abundance of availability really doesn't make a person put any quality to the attention you give them. Now when you run a business, or volunteer, or make a lot of money, or are pursuing your passion, and others KNOW that, then there's a little more respect and value placed on your time and attention, so when they get it, there's this "Oh my god! They're making time for me with everything they have going on!!!??" appreciation for it. Actually a lot of these thoughts were sparked by Mr. Locario videos. I went down a rabbit hole on selfishness so shout out to him! Enjoy this episode and again, bring your notes!

Identifying the most recent event that triggered you in dating can often be tied to one of the first triggering dating experiences you've had. Don't try to find consistency in the situations, but instead, loo, for the consistency in emotion and you can tie it all together. I use my own dating experience lows as an example for you to work with when identifying your own patterns. I process this avoidance of rejection i've faced since childhood dating scenarios and recognize how it comes up now as I associate my identity with being @honmychest and the Founder of Something Positive for Positive People, but I also look at what dating looks like if herpes wasn't a factor. The most invalidating rejections come from one sided emotionally connecting exchanges for me, as I tend to be drawn to people who aren't available. If I intentionally "approach" those I have an interest in, I have an internalized fear there that I'm going to speak to my therapist about and explore on the podcast once I process it.

I recognize SPFPP is more of a self help podcast than a lot of other things I try to make it into. Letting the audience's needs guide the content, this episode was much needed and it really transitions well from the previous episode where we speak to athletics and what a coach/team represents. This episode touches on a lot of self-awareness/self-help jargon, so if it isn't your thing, I understand. For those who resonate with it, I hope you're able to take away what ya need and move on, and/or reach out to me if you're considering a coach and would like to connect to Clarice.