#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Mar 27, 2025
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Join John Delony, a mental health expert, author, and dynamic speaker, as he delves into the complexities of relationships. Discover why many feel compelled to 'fix' their partners and the challenges of walking away from unfulfilling connections. He offers insights into self-worth, emotional presence, and practical advice for navigating breakups. Delony emphasizes the importance of self-love for healthier relationships and explores how childhood experiences shape our romantic dynamics. Tune in for a mix of wisdom and engaging anecdotes!
Compassionate communication is vital in relationships, balancing firmness with gentleness fosters better understanding and support.
Many people seek to 'fix' others in dating due to their own unmet needs, leading to dissatisfaction and inner conflict.
Being present for someone in grief often holds more value than attempting to offer solutions, emphasizing the importance of companionship.
Societal pressures discourage individuals from expressing their needs, perpetuating feelings of loneliness and inhibiting healthy vulnerability in relationships.
Navigating life changes requires resilience and self-acceptance, allowing individuals to embrace their authentic selves while fostering meaningful connections.
Deep dives
The Importance of Compassionate Communication
The podcast emphasizes the significance of compassionate and empathetic communication, especially in difficult situations. Dr. John Deloney highlights the need for a balanced approach when discussing mental health and relationships; being firm but gentle allows for better reception and understanding. He stresses that many advice-givers possess theoretical knowledge but lack genuine experience in supporting those in distress. This lack of true understanding often leads to inadequate responses, underscoring the value of having patience and compassion in conversations.
Navigating Grief and Support
Dr. Deloney shares personal experiences of coping with grief, especially through the loss of pregnancies alongside his wife. He illustrates how individuals often need someone to simply be present rather than engage in conversations filled with theories or unsolicited advice. The importance of compassion is reiterated as a powerful form of support; sometimes, just sharing silence and presence can be more meaningful than physical words of consolation. Ultimately, knowing how to hold space for someone in pain fosters genuine connections.
The Culture of Presence vs. Answers
The discussion transitions to the distinction between being present and providing answers when someone is going through turmoil. Dr. Deloney argues that society generally promotes a culture that prioritizes problem-solving over offering genuine support. When friends face crises, such as breakups or losses, they often require companionship and comfort rather than fix-it-mentality. Recognizing the value of presence can shift the focus from providing solutions to simply being there for others.
The Role of Unmet Needs in Relationships
The podcast addresses the psychological aspect of unmet needs in relationships and how they can breed dissatisfaction. Dr. Deloney explains that understanding one's desires can become complicated when individuals feel unworthy of wanting something better. Acknowledging and addressing these needs require a profound connection with oneself, and individuals often struggle with articulating their wants in relationships. Improving communication about needs rather than framing them solely as 'needs' can lead to healthier dynamics.
The Complications of Societal Expectations
Deloney reflects on societal pressures and expectations that contribute to feelings of loneliness and disconnection. Individuals often worry about burdening others, leading them to struggle with simply asking for help. He points out that a significant portion of society might suppress their needs for fear of being seen as weak or needy. Encouraging people to ask for help and support creates a healthier dialogue around vulnerability and opens the door for authentic connections.
The Creative Potential of Grief
Reflecting on the multifaceted nature of grief, Dr. Deloney suggests that allowing oneself to sit with sorrow can lead to personal growth and creativity. Grieving is not just an emotional process; it serves as an opportunity to connect with one's humanity and shared experiences. By embracing the reality of grief, individuals may access deeper emotional truths that facilitate healing. Fostering this acknowledgment helps individuals move forward, transforming their pain into creative and meaningful expressions.
Rethinking Relationships and Connectivity
The podcast explores relational dynamics within families and friendships, urging reflection on how isolation within such structures can be damaging. Deloney advocates for clearer communication about feelings and experiences to establish healthy connections. He notes that individuals often replace meaningful friendships with transactional relationships, leading to loneliness. Prioritizing emotional connectivity, even in professional relationships, can enhance social support and overall well-being.
The Journey of Self-Acceptance
Throughout the podcast, Dr. Deloney emphasizes the need for self-acceptance and self-love to navigate relationships healthily. He discusses the struggle people face when they feel unworthy of love and recognition from others. Learning to embrace one's authentic self allows for more genuine connections with partners and friends. Facing feelings, rather than avoiding them, empowers individuals to cultivate inner strength and resilience in relationships.
Navigating Change and Embodying Resilience
The conversation culminates around the essential theme of navigating change with resilience during life's unpredictability. Dr. Deloney illustrates how life transitions can challenge one's identity, pushing individuals to confront their vulnerabilities. Developing a sense of agency in one's life becomes crucial, allowing individuals to redefine their personal narratives in the face of adversity. The podcast ultimately concludes that true growth stems from embracing change while remaining compassionate and empathetic toward oneself and others.
Dr. John Delony is a mental health expert, author, YouTuber and speaker.
What does it mean to be a good partner? We all want fulfilling relationships, but building one involves a careful balance of give and take. How do you show up as a supportive partner and not just for your significant other, but also for yourself?
Expect to learn why we date people we feel we need to fix, why it’s so hard to leave relationships even if we don’t have our needs met, advice for how to move on from breakups easier, how to gain control of your mind, how to deal with stressful situations better, how to be a better partner to your significant other and much more…
