Episode 388: How To Initiate Sex (Essential Listen)

Apr 15, 2025

Join sex therapist Vanessa Marin and her partner Xander Marin, co-hosts of the Pillow Talks podcast, as they tackle the often awkward subject of initiating sex. They explore why it can be a struggle and share effective strategies to rekindle desire and express intimacy. Discover how to recognize your own initiation style, say no without hurting feelings, and encourage your partner to take the lead. With practical tips and insights, they provide a roadmap to enhance connection and intimacy in relationships.

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INSIGHT

Feeling Desired Fuels Desire

Feeling desired by your partner is a key turn-on trigger that boosts sexual confidence and desire.
In long-term monogamous relationships, it's crucial to communicate desire credibly to keep the passion alive.

ADVICE

Communicate Desire Through Actions

Compliment your partner genuinely and specifically to communicate sexual desire.
Keep flirting alive and incorporate non-sexual touch regularly to strengthen connection and desire.

INSIGHT

Rejection Causes Initiation Fear

Initiating sex is hard because it exposes us to the risk of rejection, which is painful.
Early awkward or shameful experiences with sex contribute to fear and difficulty in initiation.

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Initiating sex is something that a lot of people struggle with. So why is it hard, and how can we make it easier? That’s what we’re talking about in today’s show. In this episode, we’re revisiting a wonderful conversation I had with Vanessa and Xander Marin, the co-hosts of the “Pillow Talks” podcast and co-authors of the book, Sex Talks: Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life.

Some of the questions we answer include:

Why is initiating sex so hard for so many people?
What are the dos and don’ts of sexual initiation?
How do you figure out your initiation style?
How do you say “no” to a partner’s initiation attempt without hurting their feelings?
Are there ways to encourage your partner to initiate sex more often?

Make sure to check out Vanessa and Xander’s website, and visit their Youtube, Instagram, and TikTok to learn more. And be sure to get a copy of Sex Talks!

Got a sex question? Send me a podcast voicemail to have it answered on a future episode at speakpipe.com/sexandpsychology.

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Thank you to our sponsors!

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The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University has been a trusted source for scientific knowledge and research on critical issues in sexuality, gender, and reproduction for over 75 years. Learn about more research and upcoming events at kinseyinstitute.org or look for them on social media @kinseyinstitute.

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Credits: Precision Podcasting (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos used with permission of guest.