Understanding and validating Natalia's experiences are key to repairing the strained relationship with Elise.
Reflecting on one's own parental role and processing emotions in the present moment can aid in healing family dynamics.
Elise should actively listen, validate Natalia's emotions, and avoid defending her own viewpoint for a closer emotional connection.
Deep dives
A Challenged Relationship: Understanding the Dynamics Between Elise and Her Sister Natalia
Elise, aged 53, writes to Dear Therapists seeking advice on her strained relationship with her older sister Natalia. Growing up, Elise and Natalia were close, but they drifted apart when Natalia went to college. Conflict arose when Elise got pregnant and didn't inform Natalia immediately, as instructed by their parents. Elise's father passed away, and Natalia blamed her for not being more involved in caregiving and estate matters. The sisters exchanged angry emails, with Natalia expressing feelings of being unappreciated and sacrificing her own happiness. Elise struggles to validate Natalia's perspective and often defends her rosy view of their childhood. Their communication is primarily through emails, with Natalia feeling unheard and dismissed by Elise. Unresolved grief over their father's death and the favoritism he showed Natalia exacerbates their strained dynamic. Elise also shares her disappointment in her mother's lack of involvement in her son's life. While she tries to be a different kind of parent, it triggers her own unaddressed pain. Elise acknowledges her defense mode and the need to validate Natalia's experience, as well as explore her own feelings more deeply.
Unacknowledged Sacrifices and Misplaced Blame
Natalia took on a protective role for Elise in their tumultuous family environment, sacrificing her own well-being. She feels unappreciated for her efforts, having experienced miscarriages and professional setbacks. Natalia blames Elise for not understanding her struggles and choosing their parents over her when Elise got pregnant. Their father's passing intensified their rift, as Elise feels anger towards Natalia for not informing her father about the pregnancy and for taking control of estate matters. Natalia's emails express deep anger towards Elise, highlighting past grievances and feeling that her sacrifices were in vain. This blame and lack of validation from Elise exacerbate Natalia's emotional pain. Understanding Natalia's perspective and validating her experiences are key to repairing their relationship.
Unresolved Grief and Coping Mechanisms
Elise mourns the loss of her father, particularly the lack of a proper goodbye due to the strained relationship with Natalia. Their father's favoritism towards Natalia and his choice to disown Elise during her pregnancy intensify her feelings of grief and betrayal. Elise copes by maintaining a rosy outlook and dismissing her own painful emotions, which hinders her ability to fully understand and validate Natalia's experiences. Elise's mother, who also lacks emotional availability, further deepens the emotional distance within the family. Healing comes from reflecting on one's own parental role, acknowledging the pain of unfulfilled expectations, and spending more time understanding and processing emotions in the present moment.
The Need for Validation and Deeper Connection
Both Elise and Natalia desire validation and deeper connection in their relationship. Natalia's anger and frustration stem from feeling unheard and invalidated by Elise, who often defends her own perspective instead of acknowledging Natalia's experiences. Elise should focus on actively listening, validating Natalia's emotions without contradicting them, and avoiding the urge to defend her own viewpoint. Recognizing the layers of pain and perpetuated family patterns can pave the way for healing. Through open and genuine conversation, Elise may find that Natalia desires closer emotional connection and recognition for her sacrifices.
Building a new relationship with her sister
Elise follows the advice from the therapists and writes an email to her sister, expressing understanding and remorse for not fully appreciating the sacrifices her sister made. She hopes to have better conversations and reconnect with her sister.
Exploring her own feelings
Elise realizes that she has been dismissing her own pain and focusing on the positive aspects of her childhood. Through therapy, she acknowledges the extreme negative experiences with her sister, such as being locked in the garage and a physical altercation. Elise learns the importance of sitting with her own feelings and not intellectualizing them, as she strives to model emotional openness for her child and improve her relationships.
This week, we’re in session with Elise, who wants to have a better relationship with her angry older sister. We help Elise to see her sister’s perspective so she can approach her with empathy–and how to know when repair might not be possible.
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