189 [Replay] Can my attachment style do non-monogamy?
Feb 1, 2025
Explore the fascinating world of attachment theory and its impact on non-monogamous relationships. Discover how rigid labels like anxious or avoidant can limit our understanding of personal dynamics. Emphasize the significance of context and communication in fostering emotional connections. Challenge misconceptions while advocating for a fluid interpretation of attachment styles. Dive into the journey of personal growth and the importance of self-awareness in cultivating healthier relational patterns.
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insights INSIGHT
Attachment Theory in Relationships
Attachment theory helps us understand relational trauma and partners' behaviors.
Consider if you're building an attachment-based relationship, not all relationships are.
volunteer_activism ADVICE
Don't Let Labels Limit You
Don't let attachment style labels limit your relationship choices.
Focus on your willingness to put effort into the relationship.
question_answer ANECDOTE
Differing Levels of Expertise
Joli has a PhD and extensive experience studying relationships and attachment theory.
Ken acknowledges having less familiarity with these concepts.
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The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love
Amir Levine
In this book, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller explore the science of adult attachment, a concept pioneered by John Bowlby. They identify three primary attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and secure, each influencing how individuals approach relationships. The authors provide tools and communication strategies to help readers determine their own and their partner's attachment styles, navigate relationship challenges, and build more fulfilling and secure relationships. The book emphasizes that understanding attachment styles can help avoid mismatched relationships and foster a more secure and satisfying love life[2][4][5].
Polysecure
Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy
Jessica Fern
Polysecure by Jessica Fern is a comprehensive guide that integrates attachment theory with consensual nonmonogamy. Fern, a polyamorous psychotherapist, introduces a nested model of attachment and trauma, explaining how emotional experiences influence relationships. The book is divided into three parts: the first part explains attachment theory, the second part applies this theory to polyamorous relationships, and the third part offers practical strategies (using the HEARTS model) to foster secure attachments. Fern emphasizes that secure attachment is not limited to monogamous relationships and can be learned and developed in adulthood, regardless of one's childhood experiences.
Attachment theory has been all the rage recently, and hey, we get it - it’s a super helpful tool that comes up a lot in our work! But we’ve also been noticing some common pitfalls that are easy to stumble into while exploring the world of attachment styles. Labels like anxious, avoidant, or disorganized can feel quite restrictive, especially when people start to assume them as an identity.
Here’s the thing: you are a whole, complex, multifaceted person, and every relationship you have is going to be a little (or a lot!) different when it comes to attachment. That’s why, in this episode, we break down a fresh perspective on attachment, focusing on our tendencies instead of rigid labels.
We discuss the importance of context and nuance within conversations about attachment, especially when it comes to non-monogamous relationships. Plus, we talk about why there's a real need for more research in this area – and nope, it's not just because I'm a total research nerd!
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