Why We're Not Having Sex—And What We Can Do About It
Feb 25, 2025
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Join licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin and her husband Xander as they delve into why intimacy struggles persist in relationships. With two decades of experience, Vanessa highlights the emotional barriers and societal pressures impacting sexual desire. They discuss the importance of open communication and playfulness, exploring the decline in interest among younger generations. Insights into understanding different sex drives and the significance of rekindling connection make this conversation both relatable and enlightening.
Recognizing and addressing the decline in intimacy early on is vital for maintaining a fulfilling sexual connection in long-term relationships.
Effective communication about sexual needs and desires can diminish anxiety and promote openness between partners regarding intimacy.
Injecting creativity and playfulness into a couple's sex life enhances connection while prioritizing shared pleasure over mere performance or routine.
Deep dives
The Common Challenges of Intimacy in Long-Term Relationships
Many couples experience a decline in their sex life over time, often feeling frustrated but unsure of how to address the issue. This decline in intimacy is one of the most common challenges faced in long-term relationships yet remains largely unspoken. Experts identify five major reasons why couples stop having sex, including lack of communication, stress, and shifting priorities. Addressing these challenges early on and discussing them openly can significantly improve intimacy and connection between partners.
The Importance of Communication
Effective communication is essential for maintaining intimacy in a relationship, yet many couples struggle with it. Many individuals fear discussing their sexual needs or desires, often feeling embarrassed or unsure how to approach sensitive topics. Establishing open lines of communication can help reduce anxiety surrounding the subject of sex, allowing partners to express their desires and preferences freely. Regular, light conversations about intimacy can help normalize the topic, making it easier to discuss when issues arise.
Understanding Different Sex Drive Types
Recognizing that partners may have different approaches to sex drive can enhance understanding and connection. Many men possess spontaneous sex drives, while women often have responsive ones, requiring stimulation before they feel aroused. Changing the way partners initiate intimacy can help bridge this gap; asking if a partner is open to intimacy rather than directly asking if they want to have sex can promote curiosity and exploration. By acknowledging these differences, couples can create a more inviting atmosphere for intimacy.
The Role of Intimacy in Resilience During Hard Times
Life’s challenges, such as grief or infidelity, can significantly affect a couple's intimate connection. It’s important for partners to acknowledge these factors rather than ignore them, as doing so can lead to feelings of insecurity and disconnection. Having honest conversations about the struggles faced can help maintain the bond between partners, allowing them to navigate challenges together. In difficult times, it’s beneficial to express love and commitment to each other, reassuring one another of their enduring connection.
Creativity and Playfulness as Key Ingredients for a Healthy Sex Life
Injecting creativity and play into a couple's sex life is fundamental for maintaining desire and connection. Trying new things or revisiting old favorites can rejuvenate intimacy; couples are encouraged to explore their sexual repertoire beyond routine actions. It is crucial for partners to recognize the importance of pleasure over mere performance or desire, as focusing on shared experiences can fuel attraction. Couples who prioritize exploration and fun tend to enjoy a deeper bond in their sexual and emotional lives.
In this episode of The goop Podcast, Licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin and her husband Xander join Gwyneth to unpack one of the biggest struggles in relationships—why we’re not having as much sex as we want (or thought we would). From carrying too much mental load to not understanding how desire actually works, they break down the biggest roadblocks to intimacy, why sex can feel like another chore on the to-do list, and how small shifts in mindset, communication, and playfulness can bring connection back into the bedroom.