Alfie Kohn's "Punished by Rewards" critically examines the widespread use of rewards and punishments in various settings, including education and the workplace. Kohn argues that these systems, while seemingly effective in the short term, often undermine intrinsic motivation and lead to negative long-term consequences. He explores the psychological mechanisms behind this phenomenon, demonstrating how rewards can decrease interest in activities and how punishments can foster resentment and anxiety. The book offers a compelling case for fostering intrinsic motivation through autonomy, mastery, and purpose. Kohn's work has significantly influenced educational practices and parenting styles, advocating for more humane and effective approaches to motivation.
In this book, Alfie Kohn challenges conventional parenting methods by arguing that children need to be loved unconditionally, rather than being subject to rewards and punishments. Kohn critiques common discipline techniques such as time-outs, positive reinforcement, and other forms of control, citing research that shows these methods can lead children to believe they must earn parental approval. The book offers practical strategies for parents to work with their children, rather than doing things to them, and emphasizes the importance of providing unconditional support to help children grow into healthy, caring, and responsible individuals.
Punishment-Free Parenting provides a comprehensive guide to raising children using brain-based strategies. The book emphasizes understanding the neurological development of children and how their brains process information and emotions. It offers practical techniques for setting boundaries, managing tantrums, and fostering cooperation without resorting to punishment. The author shares personal anecdotes and research-based insights to help parents build stronger relationships with their children. The book aims to empower parents to create a more peaceful and connected family environment.
In 'Obedience to Authority: An Experimental View,' Stanley Milgram presents the results of his seminal experiments conducted between 1961 and 1965 at Yale University. These experiments explored how far individuals would go in obeying orders from authority figures, even when those orders involved inflicting pain on others. The book delves into the psychological and social factors that drive obedience, including the concepts of 'authority bias' and the 'agentic state,' where individuals surrender their personal responsibility to an authority figure. Milgram's work raises critical questions about morality, personal responsibility, and the impact of situational factors on human actions.
Key Links:
📖 Get My Book: Punishment-Free Parenting: The Brain-Based Way to Raise Kids Without Raising Your Voice – Available Now
đź“– Get Alfie Kohn's Books: Unconditional Parenting and Punished By Rewards
📝 Join My Email List for exclusive insights, parenting tips, and updates – Sign Up Here
Episode Description:
What if the very thing we’ve been striving for as parents—obedience—wasn’t actually a virtue? What if, instead of making our kids good, it made them vulnerable?
In this episode, we take a hard look at the dangers of unquestioning compliance. We start at the Nuremberg Trials, where Nazi officials defended their crimes with four chilling words: I was just following orders. We revisit the infamous Milgram experiment, where 65% of ordinary people delivered what they believed to be fatal electric shocks—just because an authority figure told them to.
Then, we bring it home.
How does this obsession with obedience play out in our parenting?
With the help of Alfie Kohn—renowned author and parenting expert—we examine why traditional parenting methods prioritize compliance, why that might be a problem, and what we can do instead. We break down research showing that demanding obedience undermines empathy, critical thinking, and moral integrity.
By the end of this episode, you’ll learn:
âś… Why most parents unknowingly work against their long-term parenting goals
✅ How punishment and rewards both create conditional love—and what to do instead
âś… The real-world dangers of raising kids to obey without question
âś… What research-backed strategies actually help kids become ethical, independent, and strong
Because one day, we won’t be the authority in their lives anymore. And the only voice left… will be their own.
Chapters & Key Moments:
🔹 (00:10) The Chilling History of Obedience – From Nuremberg to Milgram: How history warns us about blind compliance
🔹 (07:00) The Parent’s Dilemma – Why parents say they want independent, critical thinkers… but demand obedience
🔹 (12:45) The Cost of Compliance – What happens when we condition kids to follow orders at all costs
🔹 (18:10) Unconditional Parenting with Alfie Kohn – A deep dive into parenting beyond punishment and rewards
🔹 (26:40) The Real Goal of Parenting – How to raise kids who think for themselves, challenge injustice, and make good choices
📲 Follow Me on Social Media – @WholeParent
Send us a text
The Whole Parent Podcast 
