756: When It Feels Like You Don’t Belong, with Muriel Wilkins

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Oct 27, 2025

Muriel Wilkins, founder and CEO of Paravis Partners and a seasoned executive coach, dives into the common yet disorienting feeling of not belonging in leadership roles. She discusses how this sensation can emerge during career transitions and the vicious cycles it creates. Muriel emphasizes the importance of focusing on one’s own responses rather than external behaviors. She encourages leaders to act with conviction, articulate their unique value, and build supportive relationships, highlighting that self-worth should not hinge on acceptance from others.

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INSIGHT

Where Not-Belonging Usually Appears

Feeling like you don't belong commonly appears at role changes or when you're the first/only in the room.
This manifests as disconnection, exclusion, and either withdrawal or overcompensation.

INSIGHT

The Vicious Cycle Of Disengagement

A belief that you don't belong drives disengagement and creates a vicious cycle with others.
Waiting for inclusion while others wait for you to engage entrenches the problem.

INSIGHT

Bias Exists — Choose Your Response

Structural bias (sexism, racism, ableism) is real and can trigger not-belonging.
You must decide whether holding onto that belief helps you move forward or keeps you stuck.

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Muriel Wilkins: Leadership Unblocked

Muriel Wilkins is the founder and CEO of Paravis Partners and a sought-after C-suite adviser and executive coach with a twenty-year track record of helping senior leaders take their performance to the next level. She is the coauthor of Own the Room and the host of the Harvard Business Review podcast Coaching Real Leaders. She’s just released her newest book, Leadership Unblocked: Break Through the Beliefs That Limit Your Potential (Amazon, Bookshop)*.

You may have spent years aiming for the leadership role you now have. But now, once you’re in the job, it can be really disorienting to feel like you don’t belong. In this conversation, Muriel and I explore this reality that a lot of leaders face and what do when you run into it.

Key Points

Feeling like you don’t belong is a normal and common reality at inflection points in your career.
A vicious cycle can emerge: you’re waiting to be included while others are waiting for you to engage.
While you can’t control others, you can break the part of the pattern you have control of.
Even when you believe that not belonging is triggered by sexism, racism, and ableism, it doesn’t serve you to hold onto that belief.
Define your value proposition. What gets missed when you don’t show up?
Remind yourself of shared goals or values with the group. This prevents the small stuff from distracting you as much.
Identify a few supportive people and build relationships with them.

Resources Mentioned

Leadership Unblocked: Break Through the Beliefs That Limit Your Potential by Muriel Wilkins (Amazon, Bookshop)*

Interview Notes

Download my interview notes in PDF format (free membership required).

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The Habits That Hold Leaders Back, with Marshall Goldsmith (episode 696)

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