The Art of Manliness

Ouch! That Stings! Why Rejection Hurts So Much (And How to Deal With It)

Oct 28, 2024

Mark Leary, a psychology and neuroscience professor at Duke University, dives into the complexities of social rejection. He explores why rejection hurts so deeply, both emotionally and physically. Leary discusses the sociometer concept, which tracks our perceived social value and influences our sensitivity to acceptance and rejection. He also addresses how cultural factors shape male responses to rejection and the potential for aggressive behaviors stemming from feelings of exclusion. Finally, Mark offers practical strategies for managing rejection with empathy and resilience.

40:00

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Episode guests

Mark Leary

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Quick takeaways

Social rejection triggers intense emotional pain similar to physical discomfort, emphasizing our evolutionary need for social acceptance.

The sociometer concept illustrates how we subconsciously gauge our relational value, influencing our emotional responses to perceived rejection.

Deep dives

The Emotional Impact of Social Rejection

Social rejection triggers a spectrum of emotional responses, reflecting our sensitivity to perceived low relational value. Feelings of hurt, sadness, anger, and anxiety can arise based on the significance of the rejection, whether it's a major event like a romantic breakup or minor instances like being overlooked in a social setting. The brain reacts to these feelings similarly to how it responds to physical pain, suggesting that the mechanisms underlying emotional pain are intertwined with our physical sensations. This connection underscores the evolutionary importance of group acceptance, as our survival historically depended on being valued by others to remain integrated within social units.

Intro

3min

The Impact of Social Rejection

18min

The Cultural Influence of Honor and Aggression

2min

Cultural Influences on Male Behavior and Social Responses

5min

Navigating the Emotional Landscape of Rejection

2min

The Psychology of Rejection and Aggression

14min

Exploring Rejection: Insights and Resources

3min

“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love,” Charlie Brown once said. Indeed, being spurned by one's crush, or, for that matter, by a friend or potential employer, not only ruins the taste of one's favorite sandwich spread, but causes great psychological distress and even physical pain.

Here to walk us through one of life's worst feelings is Mark Leary, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Duke University, and the editor of Interpersonal Rejection. Today on the show, Mark unpacks the experience of social rejection, including why we're so sensitive to it and the emotions and behaviors it causes, which can be positive and prosocial or maladaptive and even violent. We discuss the role that is played by the sociometer, a concept Mark originated, in monitoring our social acceptance and rejection and what influences its sensitivity to fluctuations in your relational value. And Mark offers advice on how to remove some of the sting of rejection and civilly reject others.