Building a chosen family based on trust and compassion can help heal the wounds caused by parental betrayal and create a supportive network.
Recognizing and challenging cultural expectations that burden us with responsibility for others' actions is crucial for prioritizing our own well-being and redefining our sense of responsibility.
Experiencing parental betrayal and gaslighting can lead to feelings of isolation, shame, and difficulty trusting others, highlighting the importance of seeking therapy and building trust gradually with empathetic chosen friends.
Deep dives
Vanessa's Struggle with Family Betrayal and Trust
Vanessa shares her painful experience of being disowned by her family after refusing to take out a loan for her father. Growing up, Vanessa witnessed domestic violence between her parents, but always considered her dad as a role model. After a particularly violent incident involving her mom, Vanessa became scared of her dad and moved to a new city. Since then, she has been estranged from her family, feeling conflicted about reconnecting with them due to the fear and lack of trust. Vanessa seeks advice on how to navigate her grief, rebuild trust, and create a chosen family that she can rely on.
The Burden of Taking on Family Responsibilities
Vanessa reveals her role as the eldest child in her family, responsible for mediating between her parents and maintaining family harmony. She took on this responsibility due to cultural expectations and the belief that it was her duty to fix things. However, this burden caused her to overlook her own feelings and needs, as well as enable her parents' dysfunctional behavior. Vanessa now grapples with blaming herself for not standing up against the violence and wonders if she could have prevented the situation. She seeks guidance on how to redefine her sense of responsibility and prioritize her own well-being.
Rebuilding Trust and Creating a Surrogate Family
Vanessa recounts the manipulative tactics and financial pressure her father used to try and make her sign a loan she couldn't afford. This betrayal shattered her trust and left her feeling isolated and scared. Both her parents' inconsistent actions and mixed messages have made it challenging for Vanessa to trust others, including her friends. The podcast hosts emphasize the importance of slowly and cautiously building trust with chosen friends who show empathy and vulnerability. They encourage Vanessa to define her own criteria for a loving and supportive family and seek therapy to process her grief, reevaluate her perceptions of her parents, and work towards rebuilding her life with a selected support system.
Vanessa's Strength and Courage
In this podcast episode, Vanessa shares a deeply personal and emotional story about her tumultuous relationship with her father. Despite immense pressure and manipulation, she bravely refuses to sign a loan that her father insists on. Her father's reaction escalates to a point where he becomes physically violent, even throwing objects at Vanessa. Through this intense ordeal, Vanessa holds onto her truth and her desire to protect herself, even though it means losing her family. This displays her remarkable strength and courage in the face of adversity.
The Consequences of Family Gaslighting
Vanessa's story also highlights the damaging effects of family gaslighting and the internalized shame that comes with it. When Vanessa tries to open up to her family about the violence she experienced and the manipulation she endured, they dismiss her and invalidate her experiences. This leads her to feel alone, misunderstood, and abandoned by her family. Vanessa struggles to share her story with friends, fearing judgment and further rejection. Her journey involves redefining the meaning of family and seeking support and understanding from others.
This week, we’re in session with Vanessa, whose father insisted she take out a huge loan she could not repay and give him all the money, then disowned her when she refused. We help her to process the loss of her entire family, and start to create a trusted, compassionate family of choice who treats her the way family should.
If you have a dilemma you’d like to discuss with us—big or small—email us at LoriAndGuy@iHeartMedia.com.
Subscribe for free to Dear Therapists to stay up to date on all the latest episodes.
Follow us both online:
LoriGottlieb.com and on Twitter @LoriGottlieb1 and Instagram @lorigottlieb_author
GuyWinch.com and on Twitter @GuyWinch and Instagram @Guy Winch
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
