Love, Attention, and the Invisible Chasm of ADHD with Jonathan Hassall
Mar 6, 2025
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This session features Jonathan Hassall, an ADHD and executive function coach known for his expertise in emotional regulation and relationships. He explores the unique communication challenges in relationships when ADHD is involved, emphasizing the need for empathy and adaptability. Jonathan highlights why misunderstandings occur and the importance of acknowledging emotions to foster healthier connections. He dives into strategies for transforming conflicts and the significant role of gratitude in strengthening bonds between partners.
ADHD creates unique communication challenges in relationships, leading to misunderstandings that partners must actively work to overcome.
Effective communication and emotional transparency are essential, requiring partners to express feelings openly rather than assigning blame or making assumptions.
Fostering a shared language and mutual respect enhances empathy, helping couples navigate ADHD-related issues and strengthen their connection.
Deep dives
Understanding ADHD's Impact on Relationships
ADHD significantly affects various types of relationships, not just romantic ones, by creating communication challenges. Partners often misinterpret each other’s actions, believing intentions are behind certain behaviors that may not be there. For example, a partner without ADHD may feel neglected when their ADHD partner struggles to follow through on tasks, seeing this as a lack of care rather than a symptom of ADHD. Both partners must recognize that the real issue stems from a failure to adapt to each other's needs and perspectives.
The Importance of Communication
Effective communication is essential in managing ADHD within relationships, requiring both partners to listen actively and understand each other's experiences. This includes discussing misunderstandings without making assumptions or assigning blame. For instance, if one partner feels criticized, they should express their feelings instead of retaliating or becoming defensive. By focusing on communication and emotional transparency, couples can foster a more supportive and understanding environment.
Building Shared Understanding
Couples, especially those with differing levels of ADHD understanding, need to create a shared language around their experiences. This understanding not only helps in fostering empathy but also encourages partners to approach issues without judgment. One example shared emphasized the importance of recognizing and acknowledging each other's feelings during conflicts; for instance, one partner should express their feelings instead of sulking, while the other should proactively check in. By asking clarifying questions about intentions, partners can strengthen their connection and understanding.
Establishing Respect and Goodwill
Mutual respect is crucial for healthy relationships, particularly when ADHD is a factor. Couples are encouraged to assume good intent behind actions and avoid negative assumptions about each other. Making a habit of acknowledging and expressing gratitude for each other's contributions can significantly enhance the relationship dynamics. Positive reinforcement, such as recognizing small efforts, encourages partners to build goodwill, leading to a more harmonious partnership.
Maintaining Emotional Connection Over Time
As relationships evolve, it's vital to maintain the emotional connection established during the early courtship phase. Couples should regularly check in on each other's feelings and experiences to prevent emotional disconnection. Simple practices, such as asking how the other person feels about their day or simply showing affection, can foster intimacy. Ultimately, prioritizing emotional openness and nurturing the relationship will create a supportive environment, allowing both partners to flourish individually and together.
Imagine two people standing on opposite sides of a canyon. One, tethered to the rhythms of neurotypical expectation—cause and effect, action and consequence—a world in which forgotten keys are just that: forgotten keys. The other, moving through a landscape of impulsivity, of fractured attention, of a thousand micro-failures that feel, at times, like an existential indictment. They love each other. They try to reach across the chasm. But the bridge they need is invisible.
This week on The ADHD Podcast, Pete Wright and Nikki Kinzer embark on a three-part exploration into ADHD and relationships. Their guide this first week: Jonathan Hassall, an ADHD and executive function coach with a background in psychiatric nursing and ADHD research. Jonathan has spent years decoding the paradoxes that arise when ADHD meets the relentless machinery of relationships.
Why do partners of those with ADHD feel unheard? Why does an innocuous comment about condiments over lunch spiral into a silent war? Why do people with ADHD sometimes feel like perpetual disappointments in the eyes of those they love? And is there a way—a real, tangible way—to undo the corrosive misunderstandings that accumulate over years, even decades?
Jonathan argues that the real problem isn’t ADHD itself. It’s adaptation—or rather, the failure to adapt. The rules of engagement in relationships often assume a kind of neurological symmetry that simply doesn’t exist when one or both partners have ADHD. And when partners misinterpret behavior—when forgetfulness looks like indifference, when emotional reactivity looks like hostility—the result is a slow erosion of trust.
But what if there were another way? A way to recalibrate, to assume goodwill, to dismantle the myths and rebuild a foundation not on correction, but on understanding? From the science of emotional regulation to the power of a single moment of grace, Pete, Nikki, and Jonathan dissect the anatomy of ADHD relationships and ask the most fundamental question of all: What does it take to be truly seen?