In 'What Do You Say?', William Stixrud and Ned Johnson offer a comprehensive guide on how to communicate effectively with children. The book focuses on defining and demonstrating the basic principles of listening and speaking, and provides new ways to handle specific, thorny topics such as delivering constructive feedback, discussing technology boundaries, explaining sleep and brain function, addressing anxiety about current events, and family problem-solving. The authors emphasize the importance of treating parents as consultants rather than managers, encouraging children to make their own decisions, and maintaining a positive communication ratio to foster a supportive and resilient family environment.
This book combines insights from clinical practice, educational coaching, and cutting-edge brain science to address the chronic stress and lack of motivation many children face. Stixrud and Johnson argue that giving children more control over their lives is crucial for their development, as it enhances their motivation, resilience, and overall well-being. The authors provide practical advice on how parents can act as consultants rather than controllers, helping children develop inner drive and intrinsic motivation through autonomy, competence, and relatedness. The book also discusses the negative effects of excessive parental control and external motivators, and offers actionable steps for parents to implement in their daily lives[2][3][5].
Let’s talk about a reality that many parents and teens face: handling disappointing standardized test scores. It’s a topic that stirs up all kinds of feelings—stress, doubt, frustration—and how we as parents respond makes all the difference. I share how common phrases, despite being well-intentioned, can unintentionally add pressure or shut down meaningful conversations. You’ll walk away with a better understanding of what to say to your teen when they’re disappointed and how to be that steady, supportive presence they need most. Whether it’s the PSAT, SAT, ACT, or any high-stakes test, your words matter and can make a world of difference in guiding them through it.
Episode Highlights:
[0:00] Introduction and why test scores stir deep emotions for both kids and parents.
[3:15] Understanding the language of support: what to avoid and why.
[6:00] “But you’re smarter than this”—how this phrase backfires and what to say instead.
[10:20] Shifting from dismissive comments like “It’s just anxiety” to more validating responses.
[13:45] The problem with labeling mistakes as “stupid” and how to reframe them as learning opportunities.
[16:30] Why “I don’t care as long as you did your best” can feel like hidden pressure.
[19:00] Building trust and resilience by being a non-judgmental, safe base for your teen.
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If you have a high school aged student and would like to talk about putting a tutoring or college plan together, reach out to Ned's company, PrepMatters at www.prepmatters.com
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