635: How to Start Better With Peers, with Michael Bungay Stanier

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Jun 19, 2023

Michael Bungay Stanier, an acclaimed author and founder of Box of Crayons, dives into the art of nurturing peer relationships. He emphasizes the importance of initiating authentic dialogues with thoughtful responses to five key questions. By framing these as ‘keystone conversations,’ he illustrates how they can transform workplace dynamics. Michael also discusses the power of vulnerability and preparation in building strong connections, urging leaders to cultivate meaningful conversations that foster collaboration and trust.

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ADVICE

Initiating Keystone Conversations

Prepare answers to the Keystone Conversation questions beforehand.
Starting these conversations shows commitment to strong working relationships.

INSIGHT

Structured Approach to Peer Relationships

Keystone Conversations, while requiring bravery, offer a structured roadmap for peer interactions.
This structure facilitates a starting point and momentum for building relationships intentionally.

INSIGHT

Understanding "Best"

"What's your best?" differs from "What are you good at?".
It explores peak performance states where individuals shine and experience flow.

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Michael Bungay Stanier: How to Work with (Almost) Anyone Michael Bungay Stanier is the author of eight books, including The Coaching Habit, which has sold more than a million copies and is the best-selling book on coaching this century. Most recently he wrote How to Begin, and back in 2011 he created and edited End Malaria, a book written in partnership with Seth Godin that raised more than $400k for Malaria No More. Michael is the founder Box of Crayons, a learning and development company that’s trained thousands of people around the world to be more coach-like. He has been featured in many publications including Harvard Business Review, Forbes, and Fast Company. His TEDx Talk on Taming Your Advice Monster has been viewed more than a million times. Michael's newest book is How to Work with (Almost) Anyone: Building the Best Possible Relationship*. Most leaders recognize the critical nature of healthy, peer relationships. Yet, few leaders lay an intentional foundation for success as those relationships start. In this episode, Michael and I discuss how to start with peers using the five questions in a Keystone Conversation. Key Points Nobody really like to say hello but everyone likes to be greeted. Make a decision to be the person that begins. Preparing thoughtful responses to the five questions in a Keystone Conversation will help you come to a dialogue in an authentic and vulnerable way. The responses themselves aren’t as critical as the process itself. By entering into a keystone conversation, you are laying the foundation for future dialogue and the best possible relationship. The five questions of a Keystone Conversation: The Amplify Question: What’s your best? The Steady Question: What are your practices and preferences? The Good Date Question: What can you learn from successful past relationships? The Bad Date Question: What can you learn from frustrating past relationships? The Repair Question: How will you fix it when things go wrong? Resources Mentioned Preorder Michael’s book at bestpossiblerelationship.com Bonus audio: Michael’s process for writing this book (12 minutes) Interview Notes Download my interview notes in PDF format (free membership required). Related Episodes How to Deal with Opponents and Adversaries, with Peter Block (episode 328) How to Involve Stakeholders in Decisions, with Eric Pliner (episode 586) How to Start a Big Leadership Role, with Carol Kauffman (episode 617) Discover More Activate your free membership for full access to the entire library of interviews since 2011, searchable by topic. To accelerate your learning, uncover more inside Coaching for Leaders Plus.