Dr. Terri Apter, a psychologist and author of "Passing Judgment: The Power of Praise & Blame in Everyday Life," dives into the complexities of judgment and its influence on relationships. She discusses the importance of self-awareness and how initial judgments can actually serve as a tool for deeper self-understanding. The conversation highlights the role of judgment in female friendships, urging a shift toward empathy and curiosity. Ultimately, Terri offers practical tips for cultivating a kinder inner dialogue and fostering meaningful connections.
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Quick takeaways
Understanding judgments allows individuals to recognize their own positive traits while assessing others, fostering better self-awareness and connections.
Promoting curiosity about others' experiences helps to shift focus from negative evaluations to appreciating their complexities and strengths.
Deep dives
Understanding Judgment
Judgment is a natural behavior that helps individuals assess their safety during initial interactions. It is often misconstrued as solely negative, yet it includes positive judgments, such as recognizing someone's strengths or accomplishments. Individuals make judgments rapidly, forming opinions based on physical and behavioral cues. Thus, acknowledging both the negative and positive aspects of judgment can create a more balanced perspective on this common human trait.
The Role of Curiosity in Changing Perspectives
Emphasizing the significance of curiosity is essential for improving how individuals judge others. By fostering curiosity, people can shift their focus from negative evaluations to genuine interest in understanding others' experiences and motivations. This approach encourages looking beyond first impressions and recognizing the complexity that lies in every individual. A practice of curiosity allows for a more compassionate view of others, enhancing interpersonal connections.
Transforming Self-Judgment
Self-judgment often manifests as a harsh internal dialogue that can lead to negative self-perceptions and hinder personal growth. Individuals are encouraged to personify their inner critic to identify and challenge the negative narratives that undermine their self-esteem. Considering alternative narratives focused on kindness and support encourages a healthier relationship with oneself. By recognizing and countering self-critical thoughts with affirming ones, individuals can create a more positive self-image.
Developing a Positive Lens on Relationships
Shifting from a judgmental stance to a more positive perspective on relationships involves actively noting the admirable traits in others. Individuals can create a list of qualities they respect and look for these traits in people they interact with, such as enthusiasm or reliability. This habit helps to cultivate appreciation for the strengths of others, even amidst personal differences. Practicing this approach in social settings can ease tensions and promote more fulfilling connections within new groups, such as in-laws or friends.
Erica judges other people by default. Whether they are acquaintances, co-workers, or new arrivals in a club, her first impression is often negative. “I would like to learn how to quash that part of myself,” she says, because those judgments might be ruling out potential friendships. On this episode of How To!, Courtney Martin brings on Dr. Terri Apter, psychologist and author of Passing Judgment: The Power of Praise & Blame in Everyday Life.Terri explains that Erica’s initial reactions are more useful than she thinks—and can help her better understand herself.
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