#187 Dr. Becky Kennedy: The One Thing You Can Say That Changes Everything
Feb 6, 2024
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Dr. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and bestselling author known as the 'Millennial Parenting Whisperer,' shares her transformative insights on parenting and relationships. She discusses essential techniques for emotional regulation and boundary-setting that can relieve stress and strengthen connections. Dr. Kennedy emphasizes the importance of effective communication and the AVP method—Acknowledge, Validate, Permit—for fostering healthier interactions. Her practical advice aims to enhance not only parenting skills but also all personal relationships.
Confidence is about self-trust and being okay with yourself even when things don't go your way. Setting boundaries is different from making requests. Boundaries define what you will do and should not depend on others' actions. By setting clear boundaries, you retain power and assert your wants and needs. This applies to relationships with partners and teenagers too.
Exploring Teenage Years
Teenagers are like explorers in the world, trying to figure out their identities and going through an identity formation phase. They need a home base, a place of connection and security, even as they explore. Parents need to understand that despite the moments of distance, teenagers still need them intensely. Being there for them and creating a feeling of a secure home base is crucial for maintaining a strong connection during these challenging years.
Building Confidence and Resiliency in Teens
Confidence is self-trust, not just feeling good about oneself. To build confidence in teens, it is important to acknowledge their feelings, believe them, and encourage them to share more. Providing a supportive environment and separating behavior from identity helps them understand that it is okay to experience disappointment or setbacks. This fosters confidence and resilience, allowing them to trust their emotions and make good decisions.
Regulating Emotions through Curiosity
Regulating emotions is crucial for parents and adults. Being curious about oneself and the triggers that lead to emotional reactions is key. Instead of blaming oneself or others, curiosity is the foundation for regulating emotions. By understanding the internal stories and triggers, individuals can respond with curiosity rather than reactivity, improving emotional regulation and creating more grounded and supportive relationships.
The AVP Method for regulating emotions
The AVP method stands for acknowledge, validate, permit. It involves acknowledging and naming emotions, validating them by recognizing their validity, and giving oneself permission to feel that way. By using this method, one can regulate emotions and prevent them from exploding in unregulated behavior.
The power of repair in relationships
Repairing relationships after emotional outbursts or conflicts is crucial. Repair involves taking responsibility for one's actions, acknowledging the impact on the other person, and stating what one would do differently in the future. Repairing with oneself is an essential first step, separating the behavior from one's identity and maintaining self-worth. Repairing with a partner or child involves validating their feelings and inviting them to reconnect on a deeper level.
The challenge of finding effective currency for behavior control
Using external rewards or punishments as currency for behavior control, such as screen time privileges, can have limitations. It is important to consider the impact on intrinsic motivation and the development of a healthy relationship with intrinsic value. Instead, engaging in open communication and collaboration with family members in setting boundaries and rules can create a more effective and respectful environment.
Approaching Challenging Conversations
When someone brings up a challenging topic, it is important to express gratitude for their openness and listen without judgment. The speaker suggests a three-step approach: saying 'I'm glad you're telling me about this,' expressing belief in their feelings, and asking them to share more.
Shifting from Me vs. You to Us vs. the Problem
In relationships, especially with someone who is inherently different from us, it is important to shift the mindset from a me vs. you mentality to an 'us against the problem' outlook. By focusing on understanding and supporting each other rather than trying to convince the other party to feel the same way, relationships can thrive.
The Difficulty of Self-Regulating Screen Time for Teens
Teenagers struggle to self-regulate screen time, just like adults. The speaker suggests that parents acknowledge the difficulty of self-regulation and implement strategies to help their kids, such as providing physical boundaries by removing phones during homework or setting limits. Understanding that self-regulation is a skill that needs to be scaffolded and developed over time can help parents guide their teens effectively.
Promoting Independence and Skills in Adolescents
Parents can promote independence and skill-building in their children by allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their actions. By resisting the temptation to always fix things for their kids, parents can help them develop important life skills and a sense of responsibility.
Avoiding Personal Identity Attachment to Our Kids' Success
Parents often attach their own identity and feelings of success or failure to their children's accomplishments. It is important to separate our own desires and regrets from our children's lives and focus on supporting their own aspirations and growth.
Reframing Success as Living According to Our Values
Success should be defined as living in alignment with our values. When we are aware of our values and consistently act in accordance with them, we can consider ourselves successful. This requires emotional regulation, strong relationships, and self-reflection to ensure that our actions align with our core values.
Addressing Prolonged Adolescence
Rather than viewing prolonged adolescence as a negative phenomenon, it can be seen as an opportunity to focus on scaffolding skills and supporting young individuals as they navigate the transition to adulthood. Parents can reflect on their role in promoting independence and providing the necessary tools for their children to thrive.
Parenting Shifts and Changing Course
Parents have the ability to change their parenting strategies and rules when they recognize the need for adjustments. Just as a pilot can adjust the course mid-flight, parents can alter their approach based on their child's needs and changing circumstances to navigate challenges effectively.
Reflection on Competitive Sports and Parental Involvement
Parents should consider their motivations and attitudes towards competitive sports. It is essential to prioritize their child's interests and desires instead of projecting unfulfilled dreams or seeking validation through their children's achievements. By focusing on what truly matters to their child, parents can support their growth and development.
Recognizing the Complexity of Parenthood
Parenthood involves a profound level of self-reflection, as we confront our own desires, insecurities, and unfulfilled dreams through our relationships with our children. Accepting the unique and ever-changing bond with our children allows us to better understand and support them throughout their journey.
Dr. Becky Kennedy shares the crucial life and parenting skills you need but didn't get taught on regulating emotions, setting boundaries, and the best sentence you can say when a partner tells you something difficult.
This episode applies to EVERY relationship in your life, not just your kids.
Get ready to parent more effectively with less stress, repair after a disagreement, regulate emotions, and unlock the next level in all of your relationships.
Dubbed the “The Millennial Parenting Whisperer” by TIME Magazine, Dr. Kennedy is the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. She also hosts “Good Inside with Dr Becky,” the top kids and family show on Apple Podcasts.
