#657: Why You Don't Change (But How You Still Can)

Nov 2, 2020

Dr. Ross Ellenhorn, a psychiatric and substance abuse recovery expert, delves into the intricacies of personal change and why it often feels impossible. He argues that understanding the reasons behind our resistance is crucial. He explores the interplay between hope and fear, revealing how the fear of disappointment can stifle ambition. Ellenhorn emphasizes the significance of social support in fostering change and the importance of humility and incremental steps on the journey to personal growth.

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INSIGHT

Existential Accountability of Change

Change is hard because it forces us to confront our existential accountability.
We are responsible for shaping our lives, which creates anxiety.

INSIGHT

The Paradox of Choice

Too much freedom and choice can be paralyzing and even depressing.
This makes it difficult to make decisions about how we live our lives.

ANECDOTE

The Elevator Ride

Ross Ellenhorn shares an anecdote about giving employee feedback.
A positive elevator experience shifted his "field" and enabled him to act.

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Anyone who's ever tried to lose weight, curb their temper, quit smoking, or alter any other habit in their lives knows that personal change is hard. Really hard.

Most self-help books out there treat people like machines, blitzing past this difficulty and offering mechanical 5-step formulas for changing your life.

My guest today says such simplified solutions hugely miss the mark. He argues that if you ever want to change, it's more fruitful to understand why you don't, than figure why you do, and to understand that, you've got to go deeper, existential even.

His name is Dr. Ross Ellenhorn, and he's spent his career facilitating the recovery of individuals diagnosed with psychiatric and substance abuse issues. In his latest book, How We Change (And Ten Reasons Why We Don't), he's taken what he's learned in his work and applied it to anyone trying to change their lives.

Ross and I begin our conversation with some of those reasons we don't change, including the existential pressure of feeling like you're solely in charge of making change happen, a dizzying amount of freedom and number of options for what to do with your life, and day-to-day factors which influence our level of motivation. From there we turn to the role of hope and faith in psychology, and how these forces can both boost and restrain your ability to change. We discuss the way a fear of hope can constrain your life, why you sometimes need to embrace staying the same in order to ever change, and the difference between good faith and bad faith. We then discuss the idea that you don't develop hope, but can develop faith, and how you build your faith in yourself through embracing humility and taking small steps. Ross then explains why he doesn't really give advice on how to change, beyond finding the good in a bad habit, but how patience and your social environment can also help.

This show's got some counterintuitive advice that will help you see your struggles differently. Get the show notes at aom.is/change.