Parents Have Feelings, Too: Why Your Emotional Health Is the Best Gift You Can Give Your Kids with Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Oct 15, 2025

Hilary Jacobs Hendel, a psychotherapist and emotions educator, dives into the emotional landscape of parenting. She introduces the Change Triangle model, emphasizing the importance of understanding core emotions to foster calmer family interactions. Hilary discusses how open-hearted parenting can transform responses to children's behavior. She highlights the significance of self-awareness and repairing after emotional outbursts, reminding us that tending to our emotions isn't selfish—it's crucial for nurturing healthier future generations.

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INSIGHT

Parent Emotion Shapes Child Outcomes

Parents' emotional regulation shapes children's mental health and long-term outcomes.
Hilary argues teaching parents emotions is as crucial as teaching kids social-emotional skills.

ADVICE

Use The Pause Intentionally

Pause when you notice dysregulation and give everyone time to calm before deciding next steps.
Use phrases like "let me think about what's going on" or "let's sleep on it" to create space.

INSIGHT

Core Emotions Are Body Signals

Core emotions are body-based survival signals and must be noticed rather than suppressed.
The Change Triangle maps defenses and inhibitory feelings back down to core emotions and then to openness.

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Description:

If you have ever lost your cool with your kids and then felt the crushing wave of guilt that comes sweeping in after—this episode is for you.

This week, Jen and Amy sit down with psychotherapist and emotions educator Hilary Jacobs Hendel, author of ‘It’s Not Always Depression’ and the new book ‘Parents Have Feelings, Too’, to talk about what happens when we stop ignoring our own emotions and start bringing more calm, curiosity, and compassion into our families.

Hilary shares her groundbreaking Change Triangle model—a simple but powerful tool that helps us move from anxiety, shame, and reactivity to understanding what’s really underneath: our core emotions like anger, sadness, fear, and joy. Together, they unpack:

How to break cycles we inherited from our own parents
What “open-hearted parenting” looks like in real life
How to repair when we’ve said or done something we regret
And why healing our emotions may be the greatest legacy we give our kids

It’s a conversation full of science, self-compassion, and deep sighs of relief—a reminder that parents have feelings too, and that tending to them isn’t selfish; it’s sacred work. Whether you’re parenting toddlers, teens, or even adult children, there is something to serve you in this episode and it’s a great one to share with a friend.

Thought-provoking Quotes:

“It's always possible for relationships and the brain to change, and they happen hand in hand, so it is never too late.” – Hilary Jacobs Hendel
“What I needed to do was slow everything down and get curious. Get to know this kid, say, ‘tell me a little bit more about what's going on.’ Question my own values and the ways I thought it was going to be, all these fantasies that I came in with at the expense of my kid when I thought I was helping.” – Hilary Jacobs Hendel
“Self-awareness is an investment that comes back in dividends and capital gains beyond anything that we can imagine. And it's so much more relaxing to parent this way.” – Hilary Jacobs Hendel
“I can shout from the rooftops that emotions education is important, just like reading and math is important. In high school biology we learn we have a heart, lungs, and pancreas, but emotions affect us far worse. Every single day of our lives. You'd think somebody would want to pay attention to teaching us a little bit about them.”– Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Resources Mentioned in This Episode:

Parents Have Feelings, Too: A Guide to Navigating Your Emotions So You And Your Family Can Thrive by Hilary Jacobs Hendel and Juli Fraga - https://amzn.to/4h3wtlf
For The Love Of Reconnecting Episode 03: Making Good Use of Our Emotions: Hilary Jacobs Hendel - https://jenhatmaker.com/podcasts/series-32/making-good-use-of-our-emotions-hilary-jacobs-hendel/
It's Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self by Hilary Jacobs Hendel - https://amzn.to/3L3an6f
The Change Triangle - https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/whats-the-change-triangle
Awake: A Memoir by Jen Hatmaker - https://amzn.to/4nCb9pi
Simple Habit meditation app - https://www.simplehabit.com/
The Change Triangle YouTube Channel - https://www.youtube.com/c/thechangetriangle/videos

Guest’s Links:

Website - https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/hilaryjacobshendel/

Twitter - https://x.com/HilaryJHendel

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/AuthorHilaryJacobsHendel

Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/c/thechangetriangle/videos

Connect with Jen!Jen’s Website - https://jenhatmaker.com/

Jen’s Instagram - https://instagram.com/jenhatmakerJen’s Twitter - https://twitter.com/jenHatmaker/

Jen’s Facebook - https://facebook.com/jenhatmakerJen’s YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/user/JenHatmaker

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