The Love Expert: Why Women Are Addicted To F**k Boys & Why You Should "Have A 'Boring' Relationship Instead!" Logan Ury
Oct 26, 2023
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Steven Bartlett sits down with dating coach and behavioural scientist, Logan Ury. They discuss topics, such as modern dating, attachment theory, changing dating patterns, and the maths of choosing a partner. They also delve into digital body language, the importance of emotional vulnerability, and the trend towards authenticity on social media. The speaker reflects on their own dating experience, emphasizes the value of fundamental qualities in a relationship, and provides tips for creating an engaging Hinge profile. They also discuss the concept of great sex and recommend the guest's book.
Recognize attachment styles and work towards developing more secure attachments.
Utilize the Secretary Problem approach to determine when to stop searching for the perfect partner.
Be mindful of anxious attachment tendencies, such as seeking constant validation and attention.
Differentiate between petty dislikes and true deal breakers in dating.
Have realistic expectations and understand that relationships require effort and compromise.
Deep dives
Anxious Avoidant Loop in Relationships
In this podcast episode, the speaker discusses the concept of the anxious avoidant loop in relationships. They explain how people with anxious attachment styles often seek reassurance and closeness, while those with avoidant attachment styles tend to fear intimacy and push people away. The speaker emphasizes the importance of recognizing these patterns and working towards more secure attachment styles. Strategies for anxious attached individuals include distracting oneself, texting someone else for support, and challenging negative thoughts and assumptions.
The Secretary Problem and Knowing When to Stop Looking
The podcast explores the concept of the Secretary Problem, a mathematical approach to knowing when to stop searching for a partner. It suggests that after evaluating roughly 37% of potential candidates based on criteria that serve as a benchmark, individuals should consider choosing the next person who surpasses that benchmark. The speaker highlights the importance of recognizing that continuously searching for the perfect partner can be counterproductive and instead suggests focusing on building a healthy relationship with someone who meets the benchmark criteria.
The Pitfalls of Anxiously Attached Individuals
The podcast delves into the challenges faced by anxiously attached individuals in dating. It discusses how anxiously attached people tend to seek validation and attention, often exhibiting behaviors such as incessant texting and attempting to initiate constant contact. The speaker suggests that anxious attached individuals should be mindful of these patterns and focus on developing a better understanding of their own emotional reactions. Strategies for overcoming anxious attachment include distracting oneself, seeking support from friends, and challenging negative thought patterns.
The Ick and Confusing Pet Peeves with Deal Breakers
The podcast explores the trend of the 'Ick,' where people suddenly lose interest in someone due to seemingly insignificant reasons. The speaker highlights the importance of not confusing pet peeves with deal breakers. They emphasize that these petty dislikes should not be mistaken as fundamental incompatibilities and should not prevent the development of a potential relationship. The discussion encourages individuals to be more open-minded and focus on the deeper compatibility and connection with a potential partner.
Importance of Realistic Expectations in Dating
One of the key insights from this podcast is the importance of having realistic expectations in dating. The speaker introduces three common dating tendencies: the romanticizer, the maximizer, and the hesitator. The romanticizer has unrealistic expectations of relationships, seeking a fairytale-like love story. The maximizer has unrealistic expectations of their partner, seeking a perfection that is impossible to find. The hesitator has unrealistic expectations of themselves, thinking they need to fix themselves before dating. It is emphasized that having realistic expectations and understanding that relationships require effort and compromise is crucial for successful dating.
Creating the Right Dating Environment
The podcast highlights the importance of creating a suitable dating environment. It emphasizes the need to go beyond small talk and engage in deeper, more meaningful conversations. The speaker suggests sharing personal stories and vulnerabilities to foster a deeper connection. Additionally, they discuss the significance of technology-free dates, where phones are put away to promote genuine conversation and connection. The importance of choosing the right environment for a date is also emphasized, such as selecting a place that allows for flirting, playfulness, and a relaxed atmosphere.
The Journey of Love: It's Not About Perfection
The podcast challenges the idea of finding a perfect partner and emphasizes the importance of finding someone who brings out the best in you. It discusses the notion of choosing a set of problems that you are willing to address and work through in a long-term relationship. The speaker suggests focusing on qualities like kindness, loyalty, emotional stability, and the ability to fight well as important factors for relationship success. It is emphasized that finding love is not about perfection, but about finding someone who feels like home and brings out your favorite side.
The Importance of Vulnerability in Relationships
Being open and vulnerable in a relationship can deepen the connection and make both partners feel safe to be their authentic selves. Sharing emotions, struggles, and doubts allows for a deeper understanding and creates a cycle of positive reinforcement. This goes against the common misconception that being vulnerable might push the other person away. It is through vulnerability that relationships can grow and become more authentic.
Moving from 'Relation Shopping' to 'Relation Shipping'
When looking for a long-term partner, it is important to shift from a 'relation shopping' mindset to a 'relation shipping' mindset. Instead of having a checklist of superficial qualities or stereotypes, it is more beneficial to date like a scientist. Openness to dating someone who may not fit the initial expectations allows for a better chance of finding a compatible partner who brings out the best in oneself. By focusing on the connection, personal growth, and the ability to create a positive impact on each other's lives, we increase the likelihood of finding a fulfilling and lasting relationship.
Are we our own worst enemies when it comes to romance? What if instead, we dated like a scientist, using equations and analysis, rather than feelings and attraction to find love.
In this new episode Steven sits down with dating coach and behavioural scientist, Logan Ury.
Logan is a behavioural expert, dating coach and Director of Relationship Science at the dating app, Hinge. She is also the author of the book, ‘How To Not Die Alone’, which outlines the scientific theories she uses with her clients to help them find love.
In this conversation Logan and Steven discuss topics, such as:
Why Logan is a dating coach and her work with Hinge
How she helps people get out of their own way and find their dating blindspots
The ways that modern dating is very new for history
Researching the dating habits of Gen Z
Hiring a dating coach for herself
How Logan found her husband at work
Attachment theory and its importance for dating
How you can change your attachment style
The negativity bias and how our brain runs on ancient software
Why you should go for a securely attached person who may seem boring
The reasons that securely attached people are the heroes of the dating world
Why people are so addicted to f**k boys
The importance of taking a break during a fight
Understanding our dating patterns and how we can change them
The secretary problem and the maths of when to stop looking and choose someone
Digital Body Language and how it impacts dating
Why people confuse ‘ick’s’ for dealbreakers
Why you should overcome your ‘ick’s’
The 3 most common dating tendencies and unrealistic expectations
Why the dating environment is so important
How to date like a scientist
Why you shouldn't try to be perfect on a date
Vulnerability as a magnet for connection
The post date 8 checklist
Why you should ignore the spark and focus on the slow burn
What things matter less than people think for relationships and what do they underestimate
Why you need to be able to fight well in a relationship
The tips and tricks to a dating profile
why vulnerability is strength
The difference between a maximiser and a satisfier
Logan’s husbands cancer
Living on a commune
You can find out which of the 3 dating tendencies you are with Logan’s quiz, here: https://bit.ly/491O3lj
You can purchase Logan’s book, ‘How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love’, here: https://amzn.to/476uvdV
