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Scripts for difficult conversations: Giving hard feedback, navigating defensiveness, the three questions you should end every meeting with, more | Alisa Cohn (executive coach)

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Jan 5, 2025

Guest

Alisa Cohn

Alisa Cohn, an acclaimed executive coach and author, shares her insights on navigating difficult conversations at work. She discusses the psychology behind avoiding tough talks and offers specific scripts to make feedback more constructive. Alisa delves into handling defensive reactions and emphasizes the importance of three key questions to conclude meetings effectively. She also touches on leadership myths and the significance of aligning values among founding teams. With a blend of personal anecdotes, she highlights the power of embracing failure for growth.

01:23:43

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Episode notes

00:00 / 00:00

Preparing for Difficult Conversations

Prepare for difficult conversations by understanding your own discomfort.
Focus on helping the other person improve, not on avoiding upset.

00:00 / 00:00

Giving Performance Feedback

Start performance feedback by stating what you've heard from others.
Frame feedback neutrally, focusing on observable facts and expectations.

00:00 / 00:00

Handling Defensiveness

Pause the conversation if someone becomes defensive or emotional.
Reiterate your intention to help and suggest resuming later.

Get the Snipd Podcast app to discover more snips from this episode

Navigating Tough Talks

04:57 • 15min

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Navigating Difficult Feedback Conversations

20:20 • 17min

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Navigating Leadership: The Balance Between Happiness and Performance

37:37 • 4min

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Balancing Happiness and Accountability

41:26 • 8min

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Mastering Meeting Dynamics

49:19 • 14min

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Navigating Conflict and Collaboration

01:03:31 • 5min

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Embracing Failure: Lessons in Resilience

01:08:25 • 10min

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Exploring Favorites: Movies, Kitchen Gadgets, and Life Lessons

01:18:26 • 2min

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Empowering Coaching Insights and Deep Listening Skills

01:19:58 • 4min

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From Start-Up to Grown-up

Alisa Cohn

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Radical Candor

Be a Kick-ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity

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Radical Candor by Kim Scott offers a practical approach to management by emphasizing the importance of caring personally and challenging directly. The book argues that effective managers must find a balance between being empathetic and providing clear, honest feedback. Scott draws from her experiences at Google and Apple to provide actionable lessons on building strong relationships, giving feedback, and creating a collaborative work environment. The book introduces the concept of 'radical candor' as the sweet spot between obnoxious aggression and ruinous empathy, and provides tools and strategies for managers to implement this approach in their daily work.

Alisa Cohn is an executive coach who has worked with C-suite executives at startups like Venmo, Etsy, Wirecutter, and DraftKings, and Fortune 500 companies like Microsoft, Google, Pfizer, Dell, and IBM. Inc. Magazine named Alisa one of the top 100 leadership speakers, and she was named one of the Top 50 coaches in the world by Thinkers50 and the #1 startup coach for the past four years by Global Gurus. She is also the author of From Start-Up to Grown-Up, which won the 2022 Independent Press Award and the American Book Fest 2023 Best Book Award for Entrepreneurship, and is the creator and host of a podcast of the same name. In our conversation, we discuss:

• The psychology behind why we avoid difficult conversations

• Specific scripts for having five common difficult conversations

• How to handle defensive reactions in the moment

• The three questions you should end every meeting with

• “The founder prenup” that every founding team should work through

• Common leadership myths

• Stories of failure from Alisa’s career

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Find the transcript at: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com/p/scripts-for-difficult-conversations-alisa-cohn

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Where to find Alisa Cohn:

• X: https://x.com/AlisaCohn

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alisacohn

• Website: https://www.alisacohn.com

• Podcast: https://www.alisacohn.com/podcast

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Where to find Lenny:

• Newsletter: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com

• X: https://twitter.com/lennysan

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lennyrachitsky/

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In this episode, we cover:

(00:00) Alisa’s background

(04:48) Having difficult conversations

(12:48) Scripts for performance feedback

(20:20) How to respond when someone is defensive or upset

(25:07) Scripts for handling promotion disappointments

(31:00) Scripts for handling terminations

(35:44) The importance of positive feedback

(38:49) Understanding your job as a leader

(44:55) Recognizing your own blind spots

(49:38) Three vital questions to ask in every meeting

(55:57) The founder prenup

(01:08:24) Failure corner

(01:13:00) Final thoughts and lightning round

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Referenced:

• Alisa’s free PDF downloads for Lenny’s listeners: https://www.alisacohn.com/Lenny/

• Radical Candor: From theory to practice with author Kim Scott: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com/p/radical-candor-from-theory-to-practice

• Non-Violent Communication (NVC) Model: https://www.ucop.edu/ombuds/_files/nvc-model-requesting-change-remove.pdf

• Sheryl Sandberg on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sheryl-sandberg-5126652

• How embracing emotions will accelerate your career | Joe Hudson (executive coach, Art of Accomplishment): https://www.lennysnewsletter.com/p/embracing-your-emotions-joe-hudson

• Joe Gebbia on X: https://x.com/jgebbia

• Noam Wasserman on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/noam-wasserman-462425

• Core Values List: https://jamesclear.com/core-values

• How Cofounders Can Prevent Their Relationship from Derailing: https://hbr.org/2022/04/how-cofounders-can-prevent-their-relationship-from-derailing

• Inside Out 2 on Disney+: https://www.disneyplus.com/movies/inside-out-2/6MeZYf9JkFii

• Ninja CREAMi: https://www.amazon.com/Ninja-NC299AMZ-Milkshakes-One-Touch-Container/dp/B09QV24FFZ

• Joseph Campbell quote: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/136819-if-the-path-before-you-is-clear-you-re-probably-on

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Recommended books:

• From Start-Up to Grown-Up: Grow Your Leadership to Grow Your Business: https://www.amazon.com/Start-Up-Grown-Up-Grow-Leadership-Business/dp/1398601403

• Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity: https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Candor-Revised-Kick-Ass-Humanity/dp/1250235375

• Working Backwards: Insights, Stories, and Secrets from Inside Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Working-Backwards-Insights-Stories-Secrets/dp/1250267595

• Unpacking Amazon’s unique ways of working | Bill Carr (author of Working Backwards): https://www.lennysnewsletter.com/p/unpacking-amazons-unique-ways-of

• Walt Disney: The Triumph of the American Imagination: https://www.amazon.com/Walt-Disney-Triumph-American-Imagination/dp/0679757473

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Lenny may be an investor in the companies discussed.

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