Lenny's Podcast: Product | Growth | Career

Scripts for difficult conversations: Giving hard feedback, navigating defensiveness, the three questions you should end every meeting with, more | Alisa Cohn (executive coach)

Jan 5, 2025

Alisa Cohn, an acclaimed executive coach and author, shares her insights on navigating difficult conversations at work. She discusses the psychology behind avoiding tough talks and offers specific scripts to make feedback more constructive. Alisa delves into handling defensive reactions and emphasizes the importance of three key questions to conclude meetings effectively. She also touches on leadership myths and the significance of aligning values among founding teams. With a blend of personal anecdotes, she highlights the power of embracing failure for growth.

01:23:43

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Episode guests

Alisa Cohn

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Episode notes

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Quick takeaways

Effective leadership requires having difficult conversations with empathy, clearly addressing areas for improvement while maintaining hope for future growth.

Ending meetings with three specific questions ensures clarity, accountability, and aligned understanding among team members for better productivity.

Establishing a 'founder prenup' is crucial for aligning values and goals before partnership to prevent future conflicts and strengthen collaboration.

Deep dives

Navigating Difficult Conversations

Having difficult conversations is essential for effective leadership, particularly during challenging situations, such as performance reviews. It's crucial to communicate clearly about areas for improvement while also emphasizing hope for future growth. Leaders should frame these discussions with supportive language, expressing their desire to help employees develop skills necessary for advancement. Understanding the emotional impact of feedback can help leaders approach these conversations with empathy and openness, ultimately fostering a healthier work environment.

Intro

5min

Navigating Tough Talks

15min

Navigating Difficult Feedback Conversations

17min

Navigating Leadership: The Balance Between Happiness and Performance

4min

Balancing Happiness and Accountability

8min

Mastering Meeting Dynamics

14min

Navigating Conflict and Collaboration

5min

Embracing Failure: Lessons in Resilience

10min

Exploring Favorites: Movies, Kitchen Gadgets, and Life Lessons

2min

10.

Empowering Coaching Insights and Deep Listening Skills

4min

Alisa Cohn is an executive coach who has worked with C-suite executives at startups like Venmo, Etsy, Wirecutter, and DraftKings, and Fortune 500 companies like Microsoft, Google, Pfizer, Dell, and IBM. Inc. Magazine named Alisa one of the top 100 leadership speakers, and she was named one of the Top 50 coaches in the world by Thinkers50 and the #1 startup coach for the past four years by Global Gurus. She is also the author of From Start-Up to Grown-Up, which won the 2022 Independent Press Award and the American Book Fest 2023 Best Book Award for Entrepreneurship, and is the creator and host of a podcast of the same name. In our conversation, we discuss:

• The psychology behind why we avoid difficult conversations

• Specific scripts for having five common difficult conversations

• How to handle defensive reactions in the moment

• The three questions you should end every meeting with

• “The founder prenup” that every founding team should work through

• Common leadership myths

• Stories of failure from Alisa’s career

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Find the transcript at: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com/p/scripts-for-difficult-conversations-alisa-cohn

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Where to find Alisa Cohn:

• X: https://x.com/AlisaCohn

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alisacohn

• Website: https://www.alisacohn.com

• Podcast: https://www.alisacohn.com/podcast

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Where to find Lenny:

• Newsletter: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com

• X: https://twitter.com/lennysan

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lennyrachitsky/

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In this episode, we cover:

(00:00) Alisa’s background

(04:48) Having difficult conversations

(12:48) Scripts for performance feedback

(20:20) How to respond when someone is defensive or upset

(25:07) Scripts for handling promotion disappointments

(31:00) Scripts for handling terminations

(35:44) The importance of positive feedback

(38:49) Understanding your job as a leader

(44:55) Recognizing your own blind spots

(49:38) Three vital questions to ask in every meeting

(55:57) The founder prenup

(01:08:24) Failure corner

(01:13:00) Final thoughts and lightning round

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Referenced:

• Alisa’s free PDF downloads for Lenny’s listeners: https://www.alisacohn.com/Lenny/

• Radical Candor: From theory to practice with author Kim Scott: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com/p/radical-candor-from-theory-to-practice

• Non-Violent Communication (NVC) Model: https://www.ucop.edu/ombuds/_files/nvc-model-requesting-change-remove.pdf

• Sheryl Sandberg on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sheryl-sandberg-5126652

• How embracing emotions will accelerate your career | Joe Hudson (executive coach, Art of Accomplishment): https://www.lennysnewsletter.com/p/embracing-your-emotions-joe-hudson

• Joe Gebbia on X: https://x.com/jgebbia

• Noam Wasserman on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/noam-wasserman-462425

• Core Values List: https://jamesclear.com/core-values

• How Cofounders Can Prevent Their Relationship from Derailing: https://hbr.org/2022/04/how-cofounders-can-prevent-their-relationship-from-derailing

• Inside Out 2 on Disney+: https://www.disneyplus.com/movies/inside-out-2/6MeZYf9JkFii

• Ninja CREAMi: https://www.amazon.com/Ninja-NC299AMZ-Milkshakes-One-Touch-Container/dp/B09QV24FFZ

• Joseph Campbell quote: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/136819-if-the-path-before-you-is-clear-you-re-probably-on

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Recommended books:

• From Start-Up to Grown-Up: Grow Your Leadership to Grow Your Business: https://www.amazon.com/Start-Up-Grown-Up-Grow-Leadership-Business/dp/1398601403

• Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity: https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Candor-Revised-Kick-Ass-Humanity/dp/1250235375

• Working Backwards: Insights, Stories, and Secrets from Inside Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Working-Backwards-Insights-Stories-Secrets/dp/1250267595