Fighting Can Make Your Relationship Better—If You Do It THIS Way with Drs Julie & John Gottman
Jan 31, 2024
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Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman and Dr. John Gottman discuss couple's therapy and relationships, including the impact of quality relationships on lifespan, different fighting styles, the 5:1 ratio for successful fights, signs of healthy/unhealthy relationships, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, love languages, building trust and happiness, handling irreconcilable fights, and advice for common listener fights.
Improving the quality of relationships has a greater impact on longevity than diet or exercise.
Successfully initiating a conflict conversation within the first 180 seconds predicts the future of the conversation and the relationship with 90% accuracy.
Replacing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling with positive communication and empathy is crucial for successful conflict resolution.
Deep dives
The Impact of Quality Relationships on Longevity
Improving the quality of one's closest relationships, including friendships, love relationships, and relationships with children and family, has been shown to enhance longevity. Social epidemiology research has revealed that the quality of relationships has a greater impact on lifespan than diet or exercise. In moments of conflict, the heart rate of couples can increase, leading to stress hormones and fight-or-flight responses. Successfully initiating a conflict conversation within the first 180 seconds predicts the future of the conversation and the relationship with 90% accuracy. Fun and adventure are essential ingredients for healthy relationships as they foster intimacy, trust, and emotional connection.
Different Fighting Styles and Successful Conflict Resolution
Couples may exhibit different fighting styles, such as avoidance, volatility, or validation. However, the important factor is not the style, but the ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflicts, which should be five to one or greater. Successful conflict resolution involves replacing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling with positive communication and empathy. Examples of positive communication include expressing curiosity, asking for understanding, validating emotions, and showing interest in one's partner's perspective. The ability to repair conflicts, apologize, and learn from feedback is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship.
Managing Perpetual Problems in Relationships
Many conflicts in relationships are perpetual and arise from personality and lifestyle differences. These issues may never be fully resolved, but compromises and settlements can be reached. Recognizing that some differences cannot be changed and finding middle ground is key. Couples can establish agreements and create boundaries or timelines for addressing perpetual problems. Open communication, understanding, and acceptance of differences can help couples navigate these ongoing conflicts and foster a stronger relationship.
Creating Rituals for Connection
Creating rituals for connection can strengthen relationships and bring couples closer together. Designing a ritual together that is pleasing for both partners and committing to it can be a great way to foster intimacy and connection. For example, a couple in therapy created a ritual called 'This is Our Dream Time,' where they would sit on a couch facing each other, holding hands, and talk about their dreams once a week. Rituals help take decision fatigue out of connecting and provide something to look forward to.
Understanding and Addressing the Four Horsemen
Recognizing and addressing the four horsemen of the apocalypse, which are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, is crucial for healthier conflict resolution. Anger itself is not necessarily bad, but it is important to express it in a healthy way without resorting to criticism or contempt. Successful couples respond to bids for connection and avoid turning away or responding with hostility. Additionally, taking breaks during conflicts to calm down and practicing self-soothing techniques can be beneficial for both partners.
Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman and Dr. John Gottman discuss their research surrounding couple’s therapy, relationships, and how to fight positively with your partner.
How having quality relationships can extend your life by 17 years
The 3 fighting styles & how to know which one you fall into
The 5:1 ratio you need to follow to have a successful fight with your partner
How to know if your relationship is healthy or unhealthy (& whether or not unhealthy relationships can change!)
The number one thing to never say in a fight
What the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are & why they ruin relationships
Why you only have 3 minutes to create a successful fight
The Gottmans’ surprising thoughts on Love Languages
An exercise to build more trust and happiness into your relationship
What to do when a fight isn’t resolvable (and how to know when to break up)
