Eps 413: Nonviolent communication with Dr. Matthew Lederman
Aug 28, 2023
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Dr. Matthew Lederman, a communication specialist, discusses nonviolent communication, common unmet needs in children, staying connected when triggered, rebuilding trust, meeting our own needs for health and safety. Takeaways: nonviolent communication, being resourced, communicating with adolescents, common unmet needs in children, staying connected when triggered, rebuilding trust, welcoming feedback from our kids, why teens pull away from their parents, meeting our own needs for health and safety.
Nonviolent communication emphasizes connection, empathy, and equality of needs over simply conveying messages.
Parents need to prioritize self-care, be present, and collaborate with their teens to address their needs.
Repairing and strengthening parent-teen relationships requires consistent commitment to connection, understanding, and empathetic communication.
Deep dives
The Power of Non-Violent Communication in Parent-Teen Relationships
Non-violent communication (NVC) focuses on the intention and connection behind our words and actions, rather than just the communication itself. It involves shifting our mindset towards empathy, equality of needs, and fostering quality connections. By prioritizing connection and understanding, parents can improve relationships with their teens. NVC encourages parents to check in with themselves regularly, to identify their feelings and needs, and to practice self-care. It also emphasizes the importance of building trust, being present, and collaborating with teens to address their needs. Repairing and healing relationships requires time, consistency, and a focus on empathetic connection.
Understanding the Impact of Our Intentions and Non-Violent Language
Beyond the words we use, non-violent communication emphasizes the importance of our intentions and mindset when interacting with others, particularly our teens. Shifting our intention towards connection, empathy, and equality of needs can greatly impact the quality of our relationships. Prioritizing quality connections, rather than winning arguments or getting our way, helps to create a safe and nurturing environment for both parent and teen. Non-violent communication also acknowledges that our physiological states can influence communication and understanding, highlighting the importance of being aware of our own emotional state and how it can affect our interactions.
Building Trust and Repairing Parent-Teen Relationships
Repairing and rebuilding trust in parent-teen relationships requires a commitment to connection and understanding. Acknowledging past patterns and hurts, parents can take responsibility and show their teens that they are willing to change and grow. Creating a safe space by empathizing with their teens' emotions and needs, even when challenging, helps in building trust. Parents can also model emotional self-regulation and take breaks to calm their own nerves before engaging in discussions with their teens. By consistently showing up and prioritizing the quality of connection, parents can actively work towards repairing and strengthening their relationships with their teens.
Understanding and Addressing the Needs of Teens
Teens have universal needs for autonomy, trust, understanding, and having their needs acknowledged as equally important. When parents recognize and validate these needs, they can build stronger connections with their teens. Non-violent communication encourages parents to create space for their teens to express themselves authentically, without judgment or control. This involves being open to their perspectives, empathizing with their frustrations, and building trust through consistent support. By addressing these underlying needs, parents can create an environment that fosters trust, openness, and collaboration with their teens.
Practicing Non-violent Communication in Everyday Parenting
Non-violent communication can be implemented in everyday interactions with teens. This involves checking in regularly with oneself to ensure a presence of mind and an intention for connection. It also includes being aware of one's emotional state and using empathy to understand the emotions and needs of both parent and teen. By focusing on open and authentic communication, parents can create space for conversations where needs and perspectives are heard and respected. Setting aside dedicated time for one-on-one activities based on the teen's interests can also foster a deeper connection. Consistency, patience, and a mutual commitment to growth and understanding are key in practicing non-violent communication in everyday parenting.
My guest today is Dr. Matthew Lederman, and he’s here today to talk about connection and nonviolent communication.
Dr. Lederman explains what nonviolent communication really means and what being resourced looks like. We talk about how so much plays into communication, including your intention & tone. He shares common unmet needs in children: autonomy, wanting to be heard, and knowing that their needs matter. Dr. Lederman shares his tip for staying connected with his kids when he’s triggered and how to involve kiddos in problem solving. We get into how to rebuild trust, how to find empathy, welcoming feedback, identifying underlying needs, and meeting our own needs for health & safety. We wrap up with some baby steps that you can bring into practice today.
