Big Think The science of sex drive and sexual frustration | Emily Nagoski
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Aug 27, 2025 
Emily Nagoski, author of bestselling books on sexuality and stress, challenges the notion that sexual desire is a biological drive akin to hunger or thirst. She explains how sexual frustration differs fundamentally from other needs, emphasizing that pursuing connection and pleasure is more beneficial than simply seeking sex. Nagoski invites listeners to rethink their understanding of sexual motivation, highlighting the importance of authentic experiences over feelings of entitlement. Her insights encourage a more empowering approach to sexuality and wellness.
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Sex Is An Incentive, Not A Drive
- Sex is not a biological drive like hunger or thirst because its absence causes no tissue damage or death.
- Instead, Emily Nagoski describes sexual desire as an incentive motivation system pulled by attractive stimuli.
Frustration Is Different From Need
- Frustration from unmet sexual desire is a separate feeling tracked by a brain 'monitor' of goals and progress.
- That frustration motivates behavior but is distinct from basic survival drives and is situationally generated.
Release The Entitlement Mentality
- Recognize that sexual desire is not an entitlement and others owe you nothing to satisfy it.
- Letting go of entitlement reduces the anger and expectation that fuels destructive reactions.
