Recognizing familiar patterns from past experiences can help in setting boundaries in current relationships.
Asserting oneself and maintaining boundaries can lead to personal empowerment.
Separating past experiences from the present situation is crucial in redefining boundaries and assertiveness.
Deep dives
Setting Boundaries with the Boss
Paul, a professional librarian, opens up about his challenging relationship with his boss Sharon. He explains how he initially slipped into a codependent role, feeling responsible for her work performance. Over time, Paul began to realize that Sharon's behavior was familiar due to his upbringing and parent with narcissistic tendencies. As his career progressed, he recognized the lack of support from Sharon unless it fit her narrative. When the pandemic hit and they started working from home, Paul took the opportunity to reset boundaries. He stopped engaging in non-work-related conversations and set limits on after-work texts. However, Sharon struggled with these changes. In a recent performance evaluation, she rated Paul lowest in ability to deal with others, which he interpreted as passive-aggressive. Paul seeks advice on how to address the situation with Sharon and set clearer boundaries.
The Conversation with Sharon
Paul musters the courage to have a conversation with Sharon about his concerns. He asks her about the motivation behind the low rating in ability to deal with others and shares his perspective on the need for separation between work and personal life, particularly after work hours. Sharon deflects the questions and justifies her rating using examples of other colleagues. Despite the lack of clarity in her responses, Paul remains firm in expressing his perspective. The conversation ends with a suggestion from Sharon for Paul to engage in activities to alleviate stress, even though it doesn't directly address his concerns about texting after work. Paul plans to maintain his boundaries and kindly remind Sharon of his preferences if she continues to text him outside of work hours.
Recognizing Personal Growth
Reflecting on the conversation, Paul acknowledges his growth in speaking up for himself. He shares how focusing on his own choices and maintaining his boundaries has empowered him. Paul realizes that the success of the conversation shouldn't be measured by Sharon's immediate response, but rather by his ability to assert himself and set limits. Though Sharon may challenge these boundaries, Paul feels confident in future reminders and recognizes that his own empowerment lies within his actions.
The Impact of Childhood Experiences
Paul discusses the impact of his childhood experiences on his ability to set boundaries. He shares the parallel between his upbringing in a dysfunctional family with a parent exhibiting narcissistic tendencies, and his current workplace dynamics with Sharon. Paul recognizes the need to separate his past experiences from the present situation and work on redefining his boundaries and assertiveness.
Moving Forward with Confidence
Paul affirms his readiness to navigate future challenges. He expresses excitement about implementing the advice given and practicing new conversations about setting limits and maintaining boundaries. Paul acknowledges that the anticipation of difficult conversations can be more anxiety-inducing than the conversations themselves. He embraces the idea that speaking up and asserting himself, regardless of others' responses, is a victory in itself and a catalyst for personal growth.
Hey, Fellow Travelers. This week we’re in session with Paul whose boss texts him at all hours and doesn’t seem to respond to his attempts to set boundaries with her. We help him to see that this pattern has come up in his life before, and offer him a way to take back his agency.
If you have a dilemma you’d like to discuss with us—big or small—email us at LoriAndGuy@iHeartMedia.com.
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