#1 Boundaries w/ Terri Cole | How Putting Your Needs First Serves Others Best
Aug 25, 2023
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Psychotherapist Terri Cole discusses the importance of boundaries in relationships and self-care. They explore the negative consequences of overgiving and the need to prioritize one's own needs. The podcast also delves into communication dynamics, childhood influences, and tips for establishing healthy boundaries.
Setting boundaries is crucial for self-care and improving relationships.
Fixing others and wanting to be the hero may stem from seeking approval and an arrogant belief in knowing what is best for others.
Codependency involves being excessively focused on others' feelings and outcomes, and healthy boundaries require recognizing and respecting their sovereignty.
Deep dives
Importance of Setting Boundaries for Self-Care
Setting boundaries is crucial for self-care, even though it may feel like a selfless act. The speaker shares their personal journey of realizing the need for boundaries after a lifetime of self-sacrifice. By putting their needs first, they were able to better serve others and improve their relationships. The guest, Terry Cole, a renowned therapist and author, provides insights into how boundaries can help individuals become the hero of their own lives. Boundaries allow for self-determination and prevent us from overstepping into others' lives, ultimately fostering healthier relationships.
The Connection Between Fixing Others and Need for Approval
Many people, especially those struggling with boundaries, have a strong desire to fix others and be the hero. It stems from seeking approval and wanting everyone to be at peace. However, the speaker illuminates the negative consequences of this behavior and the realization that it may come from an arrogant belief that we know what is best for others' lives. The guest discusses the importance of relinquishing control and allowing individuals to be the heroes of their own lives, even if it means facing uncomfortable situations or making tough choices.
Understanding the Role of Codependency in Disordered Boundaries
The speaker explores the concept of codependency and its connection to disordered boundaries. Codependency involves being overly invested in others' experiences, emotions, and outcomes to the detriment of one's own wellbeing. The guest highlights that codependency is not limited to enabling or being involved with addicts but encompasses being excessively focused on others' feelings and outcomes. Developing healthy boundaries requires recognizing and respecting the sovereignty of others and letting go of the need to control their lives.
Shifting Perspectives on Boundaries and Embracing Self-Care
This episode emphasizes the importance of shifting perspectives on boundaries and embracing self-care. The speakers discuss the cultural and societal expectations of constantly serving others and sacrificing personal needs. They advocate for self-awareness and introspection to challenge the attachment of boundaries to one's identity. By recognizing the connection between boundaries, control, and manipulation, individuals can replace overgiving and self-abandonment with self-care and healthier relationship dynamics. The goal is to create deep, authentic connections while respecting others' autonomy and allowing them to be the heroes of their own lives.
Understanding the Role of Boundaries in Relationships
Boundaries play a crucial role in maintaining healthy relationships. The podcast explores the concept of boundaries and how they can impact our interactions with others. It emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and self-knowledge in setting and enforcing boundaries, highlighting that unresolved childhood experiences can influence our boundary-setting tendencies. The podcast suggests asking ourselves key questions to gain clarity on our boundary needs, such as identifying past experiences that trigger certain behaviors and recognizing the unobvious gains we receive by staying in unhealthy patterns. By understanding ourselves and our motivations, we can work towards establishing healthier boundaries for more fulfilling relationships.
The Connection Between Self-Worth and Boundaries
The podcast delves into the relationship between self-worth and boundaries, shedding light on the tendency to people-please and fear disappointing others. It discusses how childhood experiences can shape these behaviors, even without overt abuse or trauma. The importance of distinguishing personal value from achievements or approval-seeking is emphasized. The podcast encourages individuals to shift their focus from productivity and external validation to a deeper sense of self-worth, which allows for more authentic and healthier boundary-setting. By recognizing the difference between giving from a place of love versus fear or need, individuals can begin the journey of cultivating self-worth and establishing boundaries that align with their true selves.
This is part one on a series about boundaries. I’ve spent most of my life with zero boundaries, thinking I was doing the world and everyone in it a favor. Instead, I found myself serving others…with a bitter heart. Or just a worn out heart. To the point where some of those closest with me told me to just go take care of myself, so that…I could take care of them better. But I still grapple with the concept a lot and I need more help. I bet you do too. So, I invited Terri Cole to the show is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of a new book, Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free. The message in her book is the muse for our show together here. Terri reaches over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. Let’s get into it.
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