Terry Real, a renowned family therapist and best-selling author, shares insights from his journey shaped by an abusive upbringing. He connects childhood trauma to deep-seated shame and anger, emphasizing the urgent need for emotional healing. Real discusses the transformative power of his Relational Life Therapy, explaining how to confront and break the cycle of pain. He highlights the importance of understanding familial dynamics, empowers emotional vulnerability in men, and challenges patriarchal structures for healthier relationships.
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Terry Real's Childhood
Terry Real was a self-described "bad kid," a scapegoat child expressing family dysfunction through actions.
He didn't excel in school until college, driven by a need to escape the draft and his difficult family situation.
insights INSIGHT
The Cycle of Shame and Grandiosity
Hurt people hurt people, often translating shame into grandiosity and violence.
This cycle, fueled by a denial of vulnerability, was evident in Terry Real's father's behavior and is common in traditional masculinity.
insights INSIGHT
Patriarchy and Relational Empowerment
Traditional gender roles limit individuals to either connection or power, not both.
Terry Real advocates for relational empowerment, combining strength and love, challenging patriarchal limitations.
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Terry Real's "I Don't Want to Talk About It" explores the hidden epidemic of depression in men, connecting it to societal expectations of masculinity and emotional repression. The book delves into the roots of male depression, often tracing them back to childhood experiences and the impact of traditional gender roles. Real challenges the notion of stoicism and encourages men to embrace vulnerability and emotional expression. He provides practical strategies for men to address their emotional struggles and build healthier relationships. The book's impact lies in its ability to validate the experiences of men struggling with depression and offer a path towards healing and connection.
The New Rules of Marriage, What You Need to Know to Make Love Work
Terry Real
How Can I Get Through to You
Terry Real
Terry Real, a renowned family therapist and best-selling author, helps people create the connections they desire in their relationships. In this episode, Terry describes how his upbringing with an abusive father forged his path to become a therapist, develop his Relational Life Therapy (RLT) framework, and write I Don't Want to Talk About It—a book that reveals the hidden legacy of male depression. Terry discusses the link between childhood trauma and the deep-rooted shame, anger, and depression, which can result in feeling disconnected. Using real-life examples, Terry explains how he implements RLT to confront trauma, discover its origin, and teach the skills to break the cycle of pain, in order to live a satisfying life.
We discuss:
Terry’s upbringing with a depressed and abusive father [3:15];
The importance of the repair process, after relational disharmony, to break the trauma cycle [15:15];
The impact of a patriarchal society, and relational growth as the next step for feminism [19:00];
Origins of deep-rooted shame, and the difference between feeling ashamed and feeling guilty [27:15];
Preventing the propagation of trauma without over-coddling kids [35:30];
The one-up/one-down cycle from grandiosity to shame [37:30];
Covert depression—Steps to fixing the secret legacy of male depression [40:00];
Three forms of false self-esteem [50:00];
Narcissism—A misunderstood concept [51:45];
The interplay of shame, anger, and grandiosity, and how to break the cycle [54:15];
The Relational Life Therapy framework [1:06:30];
How the adaptive child becomes the maladaptive adult [1:15:30];
Speaking the language of social relationships [1:21:45];
When does it make sense for a couple to separate? [1:26:30];
Witness abuse—Consequences of screaming at your partner in the presence of children [1:28:15];
Cases of instantaneous change, and other behavioral changes that may take more time [1:30:45];
Reconciling with his father—Terry’s final conversation with his dad [1:33:45]; and
The Peter Attia Drive 
