Self-compassion is not a justification for harmful actions, but a path towards growth and change.
Shame closes the door to progress; self-compassion allows self-reflection, growth, and passing down to future generations.
Deep dives
The Importance of Self-Compassion and Accountability
Self-compassion and accountability can coexist. The belief that self-compassion means permission for any behavior is misguided. Self-compassion allows for recognizing our suffering and failures without judgment or shame. It is the doorway to growth and change, rather than a justification for harmful actions. Shame, on the other hand, closes the door to progress. Compassion requires understanding and empathy, even for those who have committed harmful acts. It is through self-compassion that individuals can confront their mistakes, acknowledge their values, and work towards becoming better.
Defining Self-Compassion and Its Three Elements
Self-compassion involves three elements: self-kindness versus self-judgment, recognizing our shared human experience, and practicing mindfulness. It means being understanding and gentle with ourselves when we suffer or feel inadequate, instead of criticizing or ignoring our pain. Self-compassion acknowledges that we all face challenges and make mistakes. It does not mean permitting harmful behavior, but rather shifting towards a place of compassion to confront and change our actions. Mindfulness and non-judgmental awareness are integral to self-compassion, as they help us observe our thoughts and emotions without suppression or denial.
The Role of Shame and Disgust in Self-Compassion
Shame is akin to self-disgust, an emotion deeply rooted in human biology. Disgust serves as a protective mechanism against things that can harm us, both physically and socially. Similarly, shame is a way of rejecting and separating ourselves from aspects of our behavior or identity that society deems unacceptable. However, shame is not a motivator for change, but rather panic disguised as motivation. Self-compassion, on the other hand, allows us to acknowledge when our behavior does not align with our values and to make small shifts towards positive change. It provides the space for self-reflection, growth, and ultimately, the ability to pass down self-compassion to future generations.
In our first episode, you heard my conversation with Dr. Lesley Cook about executive functioning. Because she has so much great information and wisdom to share, I decided to bring her back to discuss self-compassion. Is it a bad thing to have TOO MUCH self-compassion? Join us for the conversation with Dr. Lesley!
Dr. Lesley Cook is a psychologist who does a lot of work with ADHD and other neurodivergencies. Born and raised in Hawaii, she now lives in Virginia and works with children, adolescents, adults, couples, and families.
Show Highlights:
How to find the balance between the message of self-compassion and the need for better life management and progress
A basic understanding of self-compassion from Dr. Kristin Neff’s writings
A closer look at shame and how we experience it in relation to self-compassion
How to gently shift shame into self-compassion
How self-compassion can become a learned behavior that we pass down to our children
