Logan Ury, the author of 'How to Not Die Alone' and director of Relationship Science at Hinge, dives into the world of modern dating. She debunks the myth of 'the spark' and shares what actually sustains relationships. Logan explains the effects of attachment styles on dating outcomes and introduces different dater types—romanticizers, maximizers, and hesitators. With practical tips for creating compelling dating profiles and avoiding dealbreakers, she emphasizes the importance of informed decision-making for deeper connections.
Understanding decision-making in dating is crucial, as conscious choices can break negative patterns and nurture fulfilling relationships.
Recognizing your dating tendency—as a romanticizer, maximizer, or hesitator—can help identify and alter unproductive dating behaviors.
Challenging the myth of 'spark' emphasizes the importance of compatibility over immediate chemistry for building lasting relationships.
Deep dives
The Importance of Decision-Making in Relationships
A great relationship is built on the foundation of good decisions. Poor choices can lead to repeating negative patterns, while understanding and adjusting decision-making can change the trajectory of one's romantic life. Making conscious choices allows individuals to steer away from feelings of hopelessness regarding love, showing that it's about the choices made rather than being doomed by past experiences. By recognizing the significance of decision-making, individuals can position themselves towards a more fulfilling dating journey.
Identifying Dating Tendencies
Understanding the three dating tendencies—romanticizers, maximizers, and hesitators—can help individuals recognize their own patterns in dating. Romanticizers often have unrealistic expectations about relationships and wait for a perfect moment rather than taking action. Maximizers strive for the best possible partner but may end up paralyzed by indecision, while hesitators delay dating due to self-doubt. By identifying their tendencies, individuals can work on changing their approach to dating to cultivate healthier connections.
The 37% Rule: Knowing When to Commit
The 37% rule provides a mathematical framework for those struggling with commitment in dating. This concept suggests that individuals date a certain percentage of potential partners before choosing to commit, using the first 37% of their dating timeline as a baseline for comparison. After this initial sampling, they are encouraged to commit to the next person who meets or exceeds their benchmark. This rule emphasizes the importance of recognizing when to make a commitment rather than endlessly searching for an elusive 'perfect' partner.
The Myth of the Spark: Embracing the Slow Burn
The idea of the 'spark' is often misleading, leading individuals to overlook compatible partners due to a lack of immediate chemistry. Many successful relationships develop gradually, through a slow burn that allows couples to build genuine connections over time. By focusing on the qualities that matter—reliability and compatibility—rather than just an instant connection, individuals can foster deeper relationships. Recognizing that not all great partnerships begin with fireworks can open doors to fulfilling relationships that grow stronger with time.
Understanding Attachment Styles
Attachment styles play a crucial role in shaping romantic relationships, impacting how individuals connect, communicate, and respond to partners. Anxious attachment may lead to clinginess and fear of abandonment, while avoidant attachment can result in withdrawal and the fear of intimacy. Recognizing one's attachment style and understanding those of potential partners can help individuals break negative patterns that hinder relationship growth. Cultivating secure attachment can ultimately enhance relationship satisfaction and foster healthier dynamics.
Logan Ury, the author of How to Not Die Alone and director of Relationship Science at Hinge,joins me to share her best tips for all things dating. Logan provides practical tips for avoiding dating blindspots, the drawbacks of unrealistic expectations, and algorithms to live by for finding a satisfying relationship.
We discuss how ‘dealbreakers’ may be an excuse for avoiding connection, how attachment styles affect our dating outcomes, the paradox of choice in the dating world, and how to get out of the checklist mindset. She also breaks down the most common dating tendencies, shares strategies behind making the best decisions, explains why ‘the spark’ may be B.S., and even offers how-to advice for creating a powerful dating profile. Even if you’re not dating, you will learn techniques that will strengthen all your relationships.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
Why the spark is total BS—and what actually makes a relationship last
How your dating type (romanticizer, maximizer, or hesitator) is messing with your love life
The secret to making better choices in dating—so you can finally find your person
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