Dr. Harriet Lerner, renowned for her work in psychology, discusses 7 steps on finding courage and using your voice. Topics include self-abandonment, difficult conversations, courage in relationships, defensive listening, and respecting differences. She emphasizes effective communication and boundaries for personal growth.
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Quick takeaways
Honest communication builds self without compromising connections.
Wisdom lies in thoughtful communication timing and composure.
Specific praise fosters positive relationships and acknowledges value.
Deep dives
Key Point 1: Importance of Speaking Wisely and Actively Listening
Speaking wisely and actively listening in difficult conversations is essential. It's crucial to express thoughts clearly on significant matters while allowing space for others to do the same. In relationships, honest communication builds a stronger sense of self without compromising the connection with others. Recognizing that conversations should prioritize truth over seeking validation or agreement can lead to deeper understanding and growth.
Key Point 2: Timing and Intactness in Relationships
Choosing the right timing and maintaining intactness are vital in communication within relationships. Knowing when to refrain from sharing thoughts and feelings is equally important as expressing them. Wisdom lies in making thoughtful decisions on how and when to communicate, as reactive responses can disrupt rather than nurture dialogue. Practice in active listening and concise responses can foster smoother and more effective conversations.
Key Point 3: Calming Oneself and Responding Critically
Remaining composed and calm during challenging conversations is critical to facilitate constructive dialogue. Calming oneself before engaging avoids impulsive reactions and allows for more thoughtful responses. Responding with composure, even in the face of challenging counter-reactions, promotes a balanced approach and prevents escalation. Learning to manage anxiety and react thoughtfully in difficult interactions can foster understanding and relationship growth.
Importance of Specific Praise in Relationships
Being specific in expressing praise and appreciation, rather than generic affirmations, is crucial in fostering positive relationships. This concept applies to both interactions with children and within couples. Specific acknowledgments not only reinforce positive behaviors but also help individuals feel valued and seen. The speaker highlights the significance of recognizing and praising particular actions or qualities to create warmth and connection in relationships.
Challenges with Defensiveness and Listening Deficit Disorder
The discussion delves into the complexities of defensiveness in relationships, especially regarding criticism. Men's tendencies to tolerate criticism less over time are linked to defensiveness and their reactions to it. Conversely, women often feel their legitimate concerns are overlooked. The topic of Listening Deficit Disorder (LDD) is introduced, emphasizing the impact of defensive listening on relationship dynamics. Strategies to overcome defensiveness, improve listening skills, and navigate differences effectively are explored as key components in maintaining healthy communication and connection.
I am so excited and honoured to welcome one of my absolute dream guests - the incredible Dr. Harriet Lerner this week. Dr Lerner is best known for her scholarly work on the psychology of women and family relationships and is also a best selling author, speaker and teacher. Her incredible books including The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Intimacy and Why Won't You Apologize have completely transformed my life and the way I relate.
In this episode, Dr. Lerner walks us through the 7 steps on how to find courage and use your voice. Each step arms us with the tools to converse effectively and to distinguish between real feelings and our pure anxiety driven reactivity. You won't want to miss this!
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Discover:
Why do we self-abandon?
Difficult conversations with difficult people
How to have courage and make life changing moves in relationships
What over-explaining yourself means and what to do about it
Strike while the iron is COLD
Defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism and shutting down