This podcast explores the dynamics of control in relationships for individuals with childhood trauma. It discusses different forms of control, toxic relationships, trauma bonding, and the importance of setting boundaries. The podcast also delves into topics such as breaking free from people pleasing, recognizing signs of abusive behavior, manipulation and magical thinking, and the impact of trauma on physical illness.
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Quick takeaways
Individuals who grew up with trauma may have relationships with controlling and out-of-control people, which can lead to a strong need for control that pushes others away.
Recognizing subtle forms of control in relationships, such as outsourcing responsibility or concern shaming, is crucial for creating healthier connections.
Control in relationships erodes trust, creates confusion, and leads to emotional harm, emphasizing the importance of addressing and breaking free from control dynamics.
To heal from controlling relationships, individuals should set boundaries, practice self-care, and prioritize their own healing and self-improvement.
Being true to oneself, practicing genuine care without expecting others to meet one's expectations, and avoiding toxic patterns like trauma bonding are essential for building fulfilling relationships.
Deep dives
Subtle Forms of Control
The episode discusses the subtle forms of control that can occur in relationships, especially for individuals who have experienced trauma. These forms of control include outsourcing responsibility, concern shaming, avoiding plans and schedules, controlling with time and mood, and having controlling expectations. The episode emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing these control patterns in order to create healthier and more authentic relationships.
Recognizing the Signs
The episode highlights the signs of control, such as outsourcing responsibility for healing, making subtle criticisms or expressing doubts in the name of concern, avoiding plans and schedules, being controlling with time and mood, and having unrealistic expectations of others. It emphasizes the need to be aware of these signs in ourselves and others, and to actively work towards healthier patterns of behavior.
The Impact of Control
The podcast explores the impact of control in relationships, emphasizing how it erodes trust, creates confusion, and leads to emotional harm. It discusses the cycle of control and the addictive nature of toxic relationships, including trauma bonding and limerence. By recognizing and addressing these control dynamics, individuals can work towards breaking free from harmful patterns and finding healthier connections.
Moving Towards Healing and Growth
The episode offers advice on healing from controlling relationships and moving towards a healthier future. It suggests setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and working on personal growth. It encourages individuals to let go of the need to change others and focus on their own healing and self-improvement. By prioritizing self-love, acceptance, and healthy boundaries, individuals can create fulfilling and authentic relationships.
The Impact of CPTSD and Crap-fitting on Personal Identity
Living with CPTSD can lead to suppressing one's true identity and fitting oneself to others' expectations, causing individuals to forget who they really are. This can result in a life that feels unfulfilling and fighting for things that aren't worth it. Additionally, the toxic habit of 'crap-fitting' by ignoring one's own feelings and observations to avoid conflict or pleasing others can be dangerous. It can lead to staying in abusive situations and hinder personal growth and true connection with others.
The Pitfalls of People-Pleasing and Inauthenticity
Constant people-pleasing and not being true to oneself is unattractive and can drain the energy of those around. It is important to learn to listen to others and genuinely care about them, while allowing them the freedom to be themselves. Being polite and understanding is crucial, but resenting someone for not meeting one's expectations is counterproductive. People who genuinely like oneself for who s/he is are the ones worth investing time and energy into.
The Struggle of Trauma Bonding and Redefining Relationships
Trauma bonding, also known as intermittent reinforcement, can make individuals vulnerable to staying in abusive relationships. This pattern, repeating cycles of kindness and abuse, tricks the mind into holding on tighter, even when it is detrimental. Recognizing this pattern in oneself is challenging, but it is possible to break free. Developing clarity in relationships is crucial, setting clear boundaries, and realizing that abuse should never be normalized or accepted.
Recognizing the importance of leaving an abusive relationship
It is crucial to acknowledge when a relationship is abusive and take steps to exit it. Therapy can assist in healing and working on oneself. Overcoming abandonment wounds is essential to break free from the need to be in a harmful relationship. Being alone doesn't equate to loneliness, as one can find happiness and fulfillment in their own space with friends and work. Identifying red flags and developing a structured dating plan can help avoid getting involved in similar abusive patterns again.
The dangers of spiritual bypassing and toxic ideologies
Manipulative people can exploit vulnerable individuals through spiritual bypassing, convincing them to endure discomfort or exploitation in the name of personal growth or spiritual evolution. It is important to differentiate between genuine personal development and ideologies that manipulate and exploit vulnerabilities. Believing that everything experienced is self-created and that suffering is necessary can lead to justifying abusive situations. It's important to develop a BS detector to safeguard against toxic ideas and to prioritize self-respect, truth, and genuine love in relationships.
If you grew up with trauma, you are likely to have close relationships with both CONTROLLING people and OUT-OF-CONTROL people. Both cause problems, and both can drive you to have a overly-strong need to control relationships and situations (which drives people away). In this "best of" compilation, I highlight some of the ways that people with CPTSD develop control issues -- often without even knowing it -- and how you can learn to relax your grip on others' behaviors, and focus more fully on healing your own life.
