Huberman Lab

GUEST SERIES | Dr. Paul Conti: How to Build and Maintain Healthy Relationships

Sep 20, 2023

Dr. Paul Conti, a psychiatrist and author of "Trauma: The Invisible Epidemic," shares his insights on building and maintaining healthy relationships. He discusses the importance of self-awareness and establishes a roadmap for navigating conflicts and setting boundaries. Conti reveals the dynamics of power in relationships, the significance of mutual growth, and offers tools for overcoming past traumas and insecurities. The conversation emphasizes how understanding our drives can enhance connections and the role of community support in breaking unhealthy patterns.

03:04:37

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Episode guests

Paul Conti, MD

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Podcast summary created with Snipd AI

Quick takeaways

Having a strong generative drive is crucial for a successful and fulfilling relationship, fostering openness, curiosity, and empowerment.

Compatibility in relationships is not about surface-level factors but aligning generative drives, promoting deeper connections.

Addressing challenges in relationships involves nurturing the generative drive, fostering agency, gratitude, and a shared commitment to growth.

Understanding one's own internal workings and seeking therapy helps break free from repeating unhealthy relationship patterns caused by trauma and shame.

Recognizing and confronting envy is crucial for fostering healthy relationships and promoting a supportive, generative environment.

Deep dives

The Importance of Generative Drive in Relationships

A healthy and strong generative drive is crucial for a successful and fulfilling relationship. The generative drive refers to the set of potentials and possibilities within us that drive us to learn, grow, and create in the world. It involves a sense of agency, gratitude, and a desire to make oneself and the world better. In a relationship, having a strong generative drive allows for openness, curiosity, and a willingness to explore new things together. It fosters a sense of empowerment, contentment, and delight in both individuals. Matching generative drives can lead to deep connection and compatibility, as both partners are driven by a shared desire for personal growth and the betterment of the relationship.

Determining Healthiness through Agency and Gratitude

03:48

The Importance of Generative Drive in Relationships

04:02

Understanding the Factors that Contribute to Successful Relationships

03:15

The Value of imbalanced give and take

00:47

Intro

2min

Building Healthy Relationships Through Self-Understanding

4min

Navigating Healthy Relationships

29min

Rethinking Relationships and Nutritional Foundations

3min

Understanding Generative Drives in Relationships

27min

The Impact of Sleep Quality on Wellness

1min

Balancing Desire in Relationships

12min

Understanding Relationship Dynamics

28min

Isolation and the Need for Community Support

13min

10.

Navigating Power Dynamics in Relationships

21min

11.

Foundations of Healthy Relationships

12min

12.

Navigating Human Connections

29min

13.

Beyond Labels: Understanding the Self for Personal Growth

2min

14.

Engagement and Resources for Improving Relationships

2min

This is episode 3 of a 4-part special series on mental health with Dr. Paul Conti, M.D., a psychiatrist who did his medical training at Stanford School of Medicine and residency at Harvard Medical School. He is the author of the book, “Trauma: The Invisible Epidemic.” Dr. Conti explains how to find, develop and strengthen healthy relationships — including romantic relationships, work and colleague relationships, and friendships. He explains a roadmap of the conscious and unconscious mind that can allow anyone to navigate conflicts better and set healthy boundaries in relationships. We also discuss common features of unhealthy relationships and clinically supported tools for dealing with relationship insecurity, excessive anxiety, past traumas, manipulation and abuse. Dr. Conti explains how, in healthy relationships, there emerges a dynamic of the mutually generative “us” and how to continually improve that dynamic. The next episode in this special series explores true self-care, which can be cultivated through a process of building self-awareness along with other important practices.

For the full show notes, visit hubermanlab.com.

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Timestamps

(00:00:00) Build Healthy Relationships

(00:02:04) Sponsors: BetterHelp & Waking Up

(00:05:01) Healthiest Self in Relationships

(00:10:51) Structure & Function of Self

(00:15:44) Relationships, Levels of Emergence

(00:22:48) Generative Drive in Relationships

(00:35:00) Sponsor: AG1

(00:36:26) Generative Drive, Aggressive Drive, Pleasure Drive

(00:45:16) Romantic Relationships & Matched Generative Drives, Trauma Bonds

(00:53:05) Generative Drive Expression, Libido, Giving & Taking

(01:04:29) Sponsor: Eight Sleep

(01:05:50) Generative Drive in Partnerships

(01:11:16) Libido, Avoidance & Working through Barriers

(01:18:02) Repeating Bad Relationship Patterns, Repetition Compulsion

(01:29:23) Narcissism, Dependence, Attachment Insecurity

(01:34:10) Abusive Relationships, Demoralization

(01:39:37) Oppressors, Darkness, Hope & Change

(01:48:08) Work Relationships, Oppression & Accountability

(01:53:53) Jealousy vs. Envy, Narcissism

(01:59:13) Power Dynamics in Relationships

(02:05:54) Giving vs. Taking in Relationships

(02:09:39) Transactions & Relationships; Family & Generative Drive; Flexibility

(02:19:47) Relationships & Kindergarten

(02:23:04) Anxiety in Relationships, Communication

(02:31:32) The “Magic Bridge of the Us”

(02:37:09) Mentalization, Getting into Another’s Mindset; Navigating Conflict

(02:46:51) Healthy Boundaries

(02:52:08) Self-Awareness, Mentalization

(02:55:28) “Broken Compass” & Self Inquiry, “Map” Analogy

(03:02:25) Zero-Cost Support, YouTube Feedback, Spotify & Apple Reviews, Sponsors, Social Media, Momentous, Neural Network Newsletter

Title Card Photo Credit: Mike Blabac

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Huberman Lab

GUEST SERIES | Dr. Paul Conti: How to Build and Maintain Healthy Relationships

Episode guests

Podcast summary created with Snipd AI

Quick takeaways

Deep dives

The Importance of Generative Drive in Relationships

The Complexity of Compatibility in Relationships

Some Challenges in Relationships and the Role of Generative Drive

Understanding the impact of generative drives in a relationship

Repeating unhealthy relationship patterns

Unhealthy power dynamics and lack of connectivity

Recognizing the Destructive Nature of Envy

Understanding Power Dynamics and the Importance of Give and Take

Importance of Mentalizing and Self-Reflection

The Power of Clear Mentalizing in Relationships

Determining Healthiness through Agency and Gratitude

The Importance of Generative Drive in Relationships

Understanding the Factors that Contribute to Successful Relationships

The Value of imbalanced give and take

Thank you to our sponsors

Timestamps

Remember Everything You Learn from Podcasts