Huberman Lab

GUEST SERIES | Dr. Paul Conti: How to Build and Maintain Healthy Relationships

Sep 20, 2023

Dr. Paul Conti, Psychiatrist and author of 'Trauma: The Invisible Epidemic,' discusses how to build and strengthen healthy relationships. Topics include setting boundaries, dealing with relationship insecurity and past traumas, recognizing unhealthy features, and improving the 'us' dynamic. The podcast explores the interplay of generative drive, agency, and gratitude in relationships, different drives affecting relationships, unraveling unhealthy relationships, the destructiveness of envy, unstated power dynamics, and the importance of true self-understanding.

03:04:37

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Episode guests

Paul Conti

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Quick takeaways

Having a strong generative drive is crucial for a successful and fulfilling relationship, fostering openness, curiosity, and empowerment.

Compatibility in relationships is not about surface-level factors but aligning generative drives, promoting deeper connections.

Addressing challenges in relationships involves nurturing the generative drive, fostering agency, gratitude, and a shared commitment to growth.

Understanding one's own internal workings and seeking therapy helps break free from repeating unhealthy relationship patterns caused by trauma and shame.

Recognizing and confronting envy is crucial for fostering healthy relationships and promoting a supportive, generative environment.

Deep dives

The Importance of Generative Drive in Relationships

A healthy and strong generative drive is crucial for a successful and fulfilling relationship. The generative drive refers to the set of potentials and possibilities within us that drive us to learn, grow, and create in the world. It involves a sense of agency, gratitude, and a desire to make oneself and the world better. In a relationship, having a strong generative drive allows for openness, curiosity, and a willingness to explore new things together. It fosters a sense of empowerment, contentment, and delight in both individuals. Matching generative drives can lead to deep connection and compatibility, as both partners are driven by a shared desire for personal growth and the betterment of the relationship.

The Power of Agency and Gratitude in Building Healthy Relationships

04:08

The Importance of Generative Drive in Relationships

04:02

Levels of Emergence and Compatibility in Relationships

01:54

The Give and Take of a Relationship

01:36

Introduction

4min

Benefits of the WakingUp app and Relationships

2min

Understanding and Examining the Self

29min

Building Healthy Relationships and Acknowledging Sponsors

3min

The Interplay of Generative Drive, Agency, and Gratitude in Building Healthy Relationships

27min

Acknowledging a Sponsor: Eight Sleep - Improving Sleep Quality with Temperature Control

1min

Different Drives in Relationships

15min

Unraveling Unhealthy Relationships

34min

Exploring the Destructiveness of Envy and Its Impacts on Happiness

5min

10.

Unstated Power Dynamics in Relationships

21min

11.

Back to Kindergarten: Building Healthy Relationships

12min

12.

Frames of Mind and the Creation of 'Us'

29min

13.

The Importance of True Self-Understanding in Building Healthy Relationships

2min

14.

Gratitude, Actionable Understanding, and Support for the Podcast and Sponsors

3min

This is episode 3 of a 4-part special series on mental health with Dr. Paul Conti, M.D., a psychiatrist who did his medical training at Stanford School of Medicine and residency at Harvard Medical School. He is the author of the book, “Trauma: The Invisible Epidemic.” Dr. Conti explains how to find, develop and strengthen healthy relationships — including romantic relationships, work and colleague relationships, and friendships. He explains a roadmap of the conscious and unconscious mind that can allow anyone to navigate conflicts better and set healthy boundaries in relationships. We also discuss common features of unhealthy relationships and clinically supported tools for dealing with relationship insecurity, excessive anxiety, past traumas, manipulation and abuse. Dr. Conti explains how, in healthy relationships, there emerges a dynamic of the mutually generative “us” and how to continually improve that dynamic. The next episode in this special series explores true self-care, which can be cultivated through a process of building self-awareness along with other important practices.

For the full show notes, visit hubermanlab.com.

Thank you to our sponsors

AG1: https://drinkag1.com/huberman

BetterHelp: https://betterhelp.com/huberman

Waking Up: https://wakingup.com/huberman

Eight Sleep: https://eightsleep.com/huberman

Momentous: https://livemomentous.com/huberman

Timestamps

(00:00:00) Build Healthy Relationships

(00:02:04) Sponsors: BetterHelp & Waking Up

(00:05:01) Healthiest Self in Relationships

(00:10:51) Structure & Function of Self

(00:15:44) Relationships, Levels of Emergence

(00:22:48) Generative Drive in Relationships

(00:35:00) Sponsor: AG1

(00:36:26) Generative Drive, Aggressive Drive, Pleasure Drive

(00:45:16) Romantic Relationships & Matched Generative Drives, Trauma Bonds

(00:53:05) Generative Drive Expression, Libido, Giving & Taking

(01:04:29) Sponsor: Eight Sleep

(01:05:50) Generative Drive in Partnerships

(01:11:16) Libido, Avoidance & Working through Barriers

(01:18:02) Repeating Bad Relationship Patterns, Repetition Compulsion

(01:29:23) Narcissism, Dependence, Attachment Insecurity

(01:34:10) Abusive Relationships, Demoralization

(01:39:37) Oppressors, Darkness, Hope & Change

(01:48:08) Work Relationships, Oppression & Accountability

(01:53:53) Jealousy vs. Envy, Narcissism

(01:59:13) Power Dynamics in Relationships

(02:05:54) Giving vs. Taking in Relationships

(02:09:39) Transactions & Relationships; Family & Generative Drive; Flexibility

(02:19:47) Relationships & Kindergarten

(02:23:04) Anxiety in Relationships, Communication

(02:31:32) The “Magic Bridge of the Us”

(02:37:09) Mentalization, Getting into Another’s Mindset; Navigating Conflict

(02:46:51) Healthy Boundaries

(02:52:08) Self-Awareness, Mentalization

(02:55:28) “Broken Compass” & Self Inquiry, “Map” Analogy

(03:02:25) Zero-Cost Support, YouTube Feedback, Spotify & Apple Reviews, Sponsors, Social Media, Momentous, Neural Network Newsletter

Title Card Photo Credit: Mike Blabac

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Huberman Lab

GUEST SERIES | Dr. Paul Conti: How to Build and Maintain Healthy Relationships

Episode guests

Podcast summary created with Snipd AI

Quick takeaways

Deep dives

The Importance of Generative Drive in Relationships

The Complexity of Compatibility in Relationships

Some Challenges in Relationships and the Role of Generative Drive

Understanding the impact of generative drives in a relationship

Repeating unhealthy relationship patterns

Unhealthy power dynamics and lack of connectivity

Recognizing the Destructive Nature of Envy

Understanding Power Dynamics and the Importance of Give and Take

Importance of Mentalizing and Self-Reflection

The Power of Clear Mentalizing in Relationships

The Power of Agency and Gratitude in Building Healthy Relationships

The Importance of Generative Drive in Relationships

Levels of Emergence and Compatibility in Relationships

The Give and Take of a Relationship

Thank you to our sponsors

Timestamps

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Huberman Lab

GUEST SERIES | Dr. Paul Conti: How to Build and Maintain Healthy Relationships

Episode guests

Podcast summary created with Snipd AI

Quick takeaways

Deep dives

The Importance of Generative Drive in Relationships

The Complexity of Compatibility in Relationships

Some Challenges in Relationships and the Role of Generative Drive

Understanding the impact of generative drives in a relationship

Repeating unhealthy relationship patterns

Unhealthy power dynamics and lack of connectivity

Recognizing the Destructive Nature of Envy

Understanding Power Dynamics and the Importance of Give and Take

Importance of Mentalizing and Self-Reflection

The Power of Clear Mentalizing in Relationships

The Power of Agency and Gratitude in Building Healthy Relationships

The Importance of Generative Drive in Relationships

Levels of Emergence and Compatibility in Relationships

The Give and Take of a Relationship

Thank you to our sponsors

Timestamps

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