62 - DATING - Why does anxious attachment + dating make us feel CRAZY AF? And how to start healing
Nov 15, 2022
38:53
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Dr Tari Mack, clinical psychologist, joins Louise to discuss why anxious attachment and dating don't mix well. They cover the challenges of dating with an anxious attachment style, the importance of timing when discussing it, and the need for effective communication and consistency in relationships.
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Quick takeaways
Anxious attachment style and dating do not mix well together, causing pain and anxiety for individuals in the dating world.
Openly communicating attractive qualities and relationship values early on in dating establishes trust and emotional connection.
Taking responsibility for one's anxious attachment style involves recognizing triggers, setting boundaries, and working on self-regulation.
Being attentive, observing behavior, and taking action based on consistent communication and positive signs of a healthy relationship lead to growth and fulfillment.
Deep dives
Summary of Part 1: Introduction and PDFs
In the introduction of this podcast episode, the host discusses the availability of digital downloads on the Open House website. These downloads include a therapy-backed PDF guide on anxious attachment and a script for communicating one's attachment style in dating. The host emphasizes that these resources are designed for individuals who resonate with the topic of anxious attachment.
Summary of Part 2: Understanding Anxious Attachment and Dating
In this section, the host and the guest, Dr. Terry, delve into anxious attachment style and explain its impact on dating. They highlight that anxious attachment styles seek validation and reassurance from relationships, often entering into dating scenarios with elevated anxiety. The importance of building a sense of safety within oneself instead of relying solely on a partner is stressed. The hosts advise listeners to choose partners who can provide a secure foundation while also working on self-regulation and a sense of personal safety.
Summary of Part 3: Communicating Attachment Style
The hosts discuss the significance of effective communication regarding attachment styles. They encourage individuals to openly express what they find attractive and important in relationships, specifically emphasizing consistency and communication. It is advised to have conversations about these values early on, establishing a foundation for trust and emotional connection. The hosts stress the importance of curbing the urge to introduce attachment styles too soon in the dating process, allowing for a gradual deepening of understanding and comfort.
Summary of Part 4: Taking Responsibility and Setting Boundaries
This section focuses on taking responsibility for one's anxious attachment style and cultivating self-awareness. The hosts advocate for actively recognizing triggers and avoiding reliance on a partner for constant reassurance and validation. They suggest communicating openly about anxious attachment tendencies while dating, but without making it the defining aspect of one's identity. Taking responsibility also encompasses setting personal boundaries and becoming a healthy partner by working on self-regulation and emphasizing trust-building and emotional connection in early stages of a relationship.
Summary of Part 5: Watching and Assessing
The hosts emphasize the importance of being attentive and observant in dating relationships. Termed as 'watching and assessing,' this stage involves paying close attention to the behavior and actions of the partner. They posit that verbalizing needs and expectations and then observing how the partner responds is crucial. Consistency and effective communication are considered as significant qualifiers for a healthy relationship.
Summary of Part 6: Taking Action
The final stage of the process involves taking action based on the observed behaviors of the partner. If the relationship lacks consistency and good communication, and triggers the anxious attachment style, the hosts advise considering ending the relationship. Conversely, if the relationship shows positive signs, such as consistency and effective communication, the hosts prompt individuals to relish and enjoy the connection, practicing gratitude for the present moments. Taking action involves committing to self-growth and finding partners who appreciate and embrace one's attachment style.
Conclusion
The hosts conclude the episode by encouraging listeners to approach dating with excitement and authenticity. They emphasize the importance of finding partners who respect and love them for who they are, including their attachment style. The availability of PDF resources and promise of a forthcoming course on healing anxious attachment are mentioned as additional support for individuals exploring their attachment styles.
UPDATE: ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT THERAPY EBOOKS NOW AVAILABLE
⇢ The Ultimate Guide - How to navigate & heal your anxious attachment style when dating - A 26 page PDF guide created by clinical psychologist Dr Tari Mack & Louise Rumball - linked HERE
⇢ The Ultimate Script - How to communicate your anxious attachment style when dating - a 14 Page Script PDF - linkedHERE
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Do you feel full of dread every time you go on a date, or when it has ended? Do you constantly focus on whether they are into you or whether they’re going to text back or ask you out again - rather than focusing on getting to know you? Do you hate it when they don’t reply, or are sat online and constantly wonder if they are about to ghost you or reject you? If you’re anxiously attached and in the dating world- it’s painful, and you’re not alone.
Louise talks with Dr Tari Mack, clinical psychologist and relationship expert on how to make the dating world a little more manageable.
The pair talk:
⇢ Why dating and an anxious attachment style do not mix well together ⇢ The 6 things you need to understand to navigate the dating stage more easily ⇢ The concept of neutral, negative and positive cues when dating ⇢ How and when you can start talking about things they do that trigger you ⇢ When you should talk about your anxious attachment (and how) ⇢ The psychology of words and actions aligning ⇢ The concept of ‘communication’ and then ‘observation’
