How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make and Keep Friends | Dr. Marisa G. Franco
Feb 13, 2023
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Dr. Marisa G. Franco, a psychologist and professor at the University of Maryland, discusses the societal undervaluation of friendship compared to romantic love. She shares the impact of technology on relationships and explores how attachment styles shape our friendships. Franco highlights the importance of vulnerability in building connections, offers strategies to overcome loneliness, and emphasizes generosity in fostering meaningful relationships. She starkly reminds us of the devastating effects of isolation and the biological need for social connection.
Friendship is often undervalued in society, leading to negative impacts on individuals and society as a whole.
Technology and societal changes have contributed to a decline in friendships, resulting in increased loneliness and its detrimental effects on physical and mental health.
Understanding one's attachment style can help navigate friendships, with vulnerability and authentic connections playing a significant role in building and maintaining meaningful relationships.
Deep dives
The Importance of Friendship in Society
Friendship is undervalued in society compared to romantic love, which can be damaging on both individual and societal levels. The impact of technology on relationships and the increase in loneliness are explored. Loneliness has detrimental effects on physical and mental health, and it leads to a lack of trust in social institutions. Friendship is essential for personal wellbeing and can contribute positively to romantic relationships. The book emphasizes the importance of friendship in making us feel whole, being empathetic, understanding ourselves, and making our souls grow.
The Decline of Friendship and the Friendship Famine
The number of friends and close friendships has been decreasing in Western countries, leading to a 'friendship famine.' This decline can be attributed to factors such as technology and societal changes. Loneliness has become more prevalent, causing negative physiological and psychological impacts. The lack of shared vulnerability and repeated unplanned interactions in adulthood contributes to the difficulty of making friends organically. Taking the initiative, expressing vulnerability, and nurturing authenticity are crucial in building and maintaining meaningful friendships.
Attachment Styles and their Impact on Friendships
Attachment styles developed in early relationships influence how individuals perceive and engage with friendships in adulthood. Securely attached individuals have a positive outlook on friendships, while anxiously attached individuals fear rejection and cling to others. Avoidantly attached individuals avoid intimacy and may have trust issues. Understanding one's attachment style can help navigate friendships. Vulnerability plays a significant role in forming bonds, and authentic connections foster trust and deeper understanding of oneself and others.
Strategies for Making and Keeping Friends
Making and keeping friends requires effort, as friendship in adulthood does not happen organically. Taking the initiative to connect, assuming that people like you, and overcoming the fear of rejection are crucial steps. Expressing vulnerability cultivates closeness, but it should be discerning and genuine rather than oversharing. Authenticity plays a vital role in building and maintaining meaningful friendships. Additionally, understanding conflict, recognizing when to walk away from toxic relationships, and making friends across different backgrounds and overcoming social anxiety are important considerations.
Importance of Generosity and Affection in Friendship
Being generous and affectionate towards friends is crucial for building deeper connections. Acts of generosity, whether sharing knowledge or cooking a meal, can make others feel valued and loved, strengthening the bond. However, it is important to be mindful of our motives and ensure that generosity is authentic, not driven by anxiously attached behaviors. Investing in relationships with people who treat us well and reciprocate our affection fosters healthier connections.
Handling Conflict in Friendships
Conflict can actually deepen intimacy in friendships if handled effectively. Engaging in open and empathic conflict can lead to a greater sense of connection. Important aspects in addressing conflict include framing conversations with positive intentions, using 'I' statements to express feelings, seeking the other person's perspective, deescalating tense moments, and communicating your needs for the future. Conflict can be an act of love and reconciliation when approached in a respectful and understanding manner.
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Did you know that having friends can make you less depressed? One survey found that the average American had not made a new friend in the last five years but 45% of people said they would go out of their way to make a new friend if they only knew how.
Our guest today, Dr. Marisa G. Franco, has written a bestselling book about how understanding your own psychological makeup and attachment style can help you make and keep friends. Franco is a psychologist and a professor at the University of Maryland. Her book is called Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make–and Keep–Friends.
This is episode three of a four part series in which we are doing some counter programming against the typical Valentine's Day fair.
In this episode we talk about:
Why friendship is undervalued in our society (while romantic love is overvalued) and why this is damaging on both a societal and individual level
The impact of technology on our relationships as explained by something called “displacement theory”
The biological necessity of social connection and the devastating physiological and psychological impacts of loneliness
Attachment style and its relationship to our friendships
What you can do to make friends, including being open or vulnerable (without oversharing)
How to reframe social rejection
The importance of generosity
How to handle conflict with your friends
The difference between flaccid safety and dynamic safety in your friendships
When to walk away from a relationship
How to make friends across racial, gender, and socioeconomic lines
How to deal with social anxiety
And how our evolutionarily wired negativity bias can impact the process of making friends
