Breaking the Secret Cycle of Anger, Shame and Depression - Terry Real
Jun 16, 2023
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Terry Real, a renowned family therapist and author, dives deep into the emotional struggles men face due to trauma and societal pressures. He discusses how these pains can lead to issues like self-medication and aggression, emphasizing the need for connection and vulnerability. Real critiques the damaging aspects of patriarchy and traditional masculinity, advocating for emotional expression in boys and re-empowerment for girls. He also shares practical therapy techniques to help men navigate shame and grandiosity, ultimately promoting healthier relationships.
The podcast highlights how traditional masculinity fosters emotional disconnection in men, perpetuating patterns of hurt and isolation.
Therapeutic approaches that emphasize vulnerability and relational connectivity are essential for men's healing and personal growth.
Deep dives
The Cycle of Hurt in Men
Hurt people often perpetuate cycles of hurt, particularly in the context of men and boys. This dynamic is rooted in the emotional wounds inflicted on boys at a young age, causing them to become emotionally stunted and disconnected. Such wounds come from societal expectations and traditional notions of masculinity, which discourage emotional expression and vulnerability. Consequently, grown men often find themselves repeating patterns of emotional pain and disconnection, subsequently passing this hurt onto others.
The Impact of Patriarchy and Individualism
Patriarchy plays a significant role in shaping the emotional experiences of men, as it enforces harmful cultural narratives around individualism and dominance. The belief that one must be self-reliant and powerful leads men to become emotionally isolated and disconnected from those around them. Furthermore, this individualistic mindset often motivates men to neglect their relationships and emotional well-being, exacerbating feelings of loneliness and shame. Emphasizing the need for ecological humility, instead of a power-over attitude, can shift perspectives towards valuing connection and interdependence.
Reconnecting with Vulnerability
Vulnerability is seen as a fundamental aspect of human connection, yet traditional masculinity often equates vulnerability with weakness. Men are frequently taught to suppress their emotions, reducing their range of feelings to anger and lust, while overlooking fear, sadness, or joy. In contrast, fostering emotional openness is essential for intimacy and building healthy relationships. By encouraging men to embrace their vulnerability, they can ultimately reconnect with themselves and others, strengthening their emotional bonds.
Healing Through Relationships
Healing for men often involves confronting their past traumas and understanding the impact of their learned behaviors rooted in societal expectations. A therapeutic approach that balances accountability and empathy is crucial in facilitating personal growth and recovery. Through relational life therapy, men can be encouraged to dismantle harmful patterns, rediscover their emotional selves, and learn healthier ways of connecting with others. This transformative journey not only nurtures self-acceptance but also fosters stronger relationships with partners, families, and friends.
There’s an old AA saying: Hurt people hurt people. This presentation looks at the difficult men who present themselves for therapy either on their own or brought in by their partners. We will look at common themes of trauma in many men’s lives and how best to handle men’s wounds therapeutically; how trauma often translates into overt and covert depression which in turn fuels many typically male issues of self-medication and either sexual or aggressive acting out. Special attention will be paid to grandiosity in men and how to treat it. Practical techniques will be introduced to help men come up from the one down of shame, feelings of inferiority and also help men come down from the one up of grandiosity, feelings of contempt for others, or entitlement and being above the rules. The wound to girls is the loss of voice and disempowerment at the edge of adolescence. The wound to boys is not so much disempowerment but disconnection. The healing potential is reconnecting boys and men to their hearts, to their vulnerabilities, and to others. Connection heals trauma.
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Terrence Real is an internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and author. He founded the Relational Life Institute, offering workshops for couples, individuals, and parents along with a professional training program for clinicians to learn his Relational Life Therapy methodology. He is the bestselling author of I Don't Want to Talk About It, How Can I Get Through to You?, and The New Rules of Marriage.
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Links:
- Get our latest psychology lectures emailed to your inbox: http://bit.ly/new-talks5
- Check out our next event: http://theweekenduniversity.com/events
- Terry’s website: https://terryreal.com
- Terry’s books: https://amzn.to/3EE3jb1
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